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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist he makes proper arrangements?

130 replies

CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 13:08

I’ve been split up with my ex for over 4 years now (we have 4 children) since we’ve been split up he has never had them over night (not once at all) due to his living arrangements he is unable to have them at his house, his ideal situation would be seeing them in my house but that didn’t work because we don’t get on, he saw them for a bit at my house but it wasn’t working, I told him he needed to start making other arrangements and he could take them out for the day instead, he has been unable to stick to this due to the fact he lives 2 hours away and it was too much effort for him to travel 2 hours down to take the kids out for the day and 2 hours back home. We have tried this 3 times and he just doesn’t stick to it, he will do it for a bit and then stop seeing them for months as it because too much effort, he currently isn’t seeing them at all but still makes half hearted attempts at contact. Wibu to say that until he is able to have the children at his house then contact can’t happen? I really don’t know what other solution there is as the children are being hurt by him seeing them for a bit then not bothering because it’s too much work. There’s a lot more to the situation but that is the basics of it.

OP posts:
BusyLizzie61 · 30/05/2021 22:33

@CandyFIosss

You know he could just remove the lodgers then see his kids properly, how can he have 4 kids in one room? Where would they all sleep? I’m genuinely asking how that would work? our children are 10 girl 9 boy 7 boy 4 girl
That's really not so insurmountable tbh. I managed 6 children when they wanted a sleepover in the same room. Not ideal, but do-able given is alternate weekends only.
CandyLeBonBon · 30/05/2021 22:34

And it's STILL not op's problem to solve @BusyLizzie61

Starlightstarbright1 · 30/05/2021 22:36

This is what is wrong. As a rp you make the children available for contact. Thats it.

If the nrp doesn't care enough to sort out contact its sad for the kids but sad nrp doesn't care enough.

Original poster
CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 22:37

He doesn’t even have his own bed, and the fact that 3 strange men from the Internet live there? They are not his friends he knows nothing about them. It’s funny on other threads people seem to think it’s highly unreasonable for kids to share rooms but on here 4 kids should sleep in a room with their dad mixed sexes 🤔 anyway he’s not actually asking to have them there.

OP posts:
BusyLizzie61 · 30/05/2021 22:43

@Starlightstarbright1

This is what is wrong. As a rp you make the children available for contact. Thats it.

If the nrp doesn't care enough to sort out contact its sad for the kids but sad nrp doesn't care enough.

It's not about rp or nrp. It's about being a good parent and doing what's in the best interests of the children!

He sounds like an ass from what the op is portraying him like. Op doesn't sound like she's as angelic as she'd like us to believe either. She moved further. She knew the distance between them. She doesn't think she should have to do anything to facilitate the contact, even though it's in the children's best interests. She'd rather say he's buggered off for good and damaged the children, rather than the children benefitting from a relationship.

Original poster
CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 22:46

I moved further away because I was in a property that was too small and I was living in a top floor flat with no lift, I moved to a ground floor, I had to move and I moved to be closer to my family. I moved half an hour from my old house.

OP posts:
Original poster
CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 22:47

I was facilitating contact as well by the way by allowing him to come to my house to see them, I don’t know a single person that allows their ex in their house to see the kids, I don’t know anyone who does that.

OP posts:
BusyLizzie61 · 30/05/2021 22:48

@CandyFIosss

I moved further away because I was in a property that was too small and I was living in a top floor flat with no lift, I moved to a ground floor, I had to move and I moved to be closer to my family. I moved half an hour from my old house.
So now, the father has to travel an hour extra as a result. Yet you don't believe that you should have to be accountable in anyway for that choice?
Original poster
CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 22:49

No I don’t.

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 30/05/2021 22:50

Righto- so in spite of all the info the op has given about how she's facilitated contact, you are STILL determined to find her at fault instead of looking at the feckless ex.

So much bloody internalised misogyny. It's depressing.

Original poster
CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 22:51

When he wants to come and do the school run that is 1 hour and 20 minutes 5 days a week, do all the hospital appointments, all the dentist, drs, hospital appointments, school appointments, clubs etc then I will share the journey. He moved an hour and a half away, back to where he lived, I moved half an hour 😑

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 30/05/2021 22:51

@CandyFIosss

I was facilitating contact as well by the way by allowing him to come to my house to see them, I don’t know a single person that allows their ex in their house to see the kids, I don’t know anyone who does that.
I used to do it too op. I hated it but at the time it was what was best for the kids.
HerMammy · 30/05/2021 22:54

Why are you tying yourself in knots trying to find ways for this waster to see his DC?
He can easily arrive by noon on a Saturday take them out for the afternoon and return them by 6/7pm.
He obviously cannot be bothered, his lose, just leave him to his selfishness.

BusyLizzie61 · 30/05/2021 22:58

@CandyFIosss

When he wants to come and do the school run that is 1 hour and 20 minutes 5 days a week, do all the hospital appointments, all the dentist, drs, hospital appointments, school appointments, clubs etc then I will share the journey. He moved an hour and a half away, back to where he lived, I moved half an hour 😑
Without being facetious, that's why you get the disability benefits, general benefits and disability allowances of these and not the father!

That's the choice you made. You didn't leave the children with him did you?

Harsh as it sounds, that's the reality of being RP. And is a poor argument to justify you being an accomplice in their pain/upset/angst re their father.

I hope that you may be able to at least see that yes he's an ass, but you don't have to be as well.

Your children will remember if you've tried facilitating the contact. They'll also remember that you haven't and may hold you as more accountable than him in years to come... Surely being able to say I even tried by meeting midway or similar once a month is worth it for them?

Original poster
CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 23:01

Leave the children with him. 😂 he doesn’t want them! He didn’t see them for a year after we split and when we arranged contact HIS choice was every other weekend for the day. I can’t leave them with him he wouldn’t have them 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 30/05/2021 23:04

Ffs @BusyLizzie61 have you not read the tread properly or something?

The op has clearly stated, several times, the efforts she's made to facilitate contact. You're coming across as a bully right now.

Tistheseason17 · 30/05/2021 23:11

OP - he's a grown man and he needs to facilitate contact. It's his choice to move further away and rent rooms that his children could have stayed in.

Some awful comments from posters. Your children will remember you bringing them up happy and their father blaming his lack of effort on you. He clearly has money coming in from tenants that could support his kids but that's not happening. And it's your home - he does not get to kick you out of your home to facilitate his lazy arse.

I'd put onus on him and not chase contact.

BluebellsGreenbells · 30/05/2021 23:12

I think you need to send him a text every other weekend stating

The children will be ready at 11am for contact.

Let me know if you intend to visit.

Then forget about it, I wouldn’t tel the kids or mention him coming.

You’ve made them available and he’s chooses not to come

Why you are trying to justify your own actions is beyond me! You don’t own him anything.

Original poster
CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 23:20

Thank you, I don’t know what that poster problem is but they certainly have an issue with me! Here are some texts from him to prove he only wanted every other weekend, he doesn’t want to see them more, and also to prove he doesn’t want to take them

To insist he makes proper arrangements?
To insist he makes proper arrangements?
OP posts:
StopPokingTheRoyalTitDear · 31/05/2021 01:14

You don’t have to prove anything. Some people on here are just knobs who like to pick a fight over nothing. Your children will remember their mum was always there through the good times and the bad and that you love them and they love you. The older ones are probably already realising that their father isn’t and won’t be there for them when push comes to shove and you know what? Not your fault. That’s all on him. You’ve done your bit which is plenty.

PinkSatinMoon · 31/05/2021 03:04

@StopPokingTheRoyalTitDear

You don’t have to prove anything. Some people on here are just knobs who like to pick a fight over nothing. Your children will remember their mum was always there through the good times and the bad and that you love them and they love you. The older ones are probably already realising that their father isn’t and won’t be there for them when push comes to shove and you know what? Not your fault. That’s all on him. You’ve done your bit which is plenty.

Agreed 🌸

BigHeadBertha · 31/05/2021 03:41

I think you are already fully taking care of your responsibilities to your children and then some.

His arrangements for visiting with his children are his problem. If he doesn't want to put himself out for it, that's because he doesn't want to put himself out for it and has nothing to do with you.

Tbh if he can't even handle that, I doubt he'd be that great for them to spend much time alone with anyway.

Original poster
CandyFIosss · 31/05/2021 09:55

Thank you I know I have nothing to prove but I don’t like the way a certain poster was acting as if my ex is desperate to have them at his house and I was preventing it. That just isn’t the case, in his ideal world he would have them at mine, when I said that couldn’t happen anymore He wanted to take them out for the day. I would be more than willing to meet him half way if he was having them overnight like I’ve said many times but due to his living situation that is not possible. He can change that if he wanted to and have space for the children, see the messages, he doesn’t want to.

OP posts:
TeachesOfPeaches · 31/05/2021 10:05

If he really wanted to see his children he would OP. He could very easily book a night at a premier inn for £30 and make a weekend of it. The issue is that he doesn't want to and you can't force him unfortunately.

Happycat1212 · 31/05/2021 10:51

No Yanbu at all op, If he’s only bothering with them for a couple of hours once a fortnight and can’t even stick to that then I wouldn’t be meeting him half way either.