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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist he makes proper arrangements?

130 replies

CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 13:08

I’ve been split up with my ex for over 4 years now (we have 4 children) since we’ve been split up he has never had them over night (not once at all) due to his living arrangements he is unable to have them at his house, his ideal situation would be seeing them in my house but that didn’t work because we don’t get on, he saw them for a bit at my house but it wasn’t working, I told him he needed to start making other arrangements and he could take them out for the day instead, he has been unable to stick to this due to the fact he lives 2 hours away and it was too much effort for him to travel 2 hours down to take the kids out for the day and 2 hours back home. We have tried this 3 times and he just doesn’t stick to it, he will do it for a bit and then stop seeing them for months as it because too much effort, he currently isn’t seeing them at all but still makes half hearted attempts at contact. Wibu to say that until he is able to have the children at his house then contact can’t happen? I really don’t know what other solution there is as the children are being hurt by him seeing them for a bit then not bothering because it’s too much work. There’s a lot more to the situation but that is the basics of it.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/05/2021 18:08

I'd start small, but firm.

"On the first weekend of the month, pick the DC up at 9am on Saturday and Sunday, and return them to me (fed), by 6pm each day - I assume you would need a hotel for the night in between, X Traveldoge is closest to the house"

If he is able to stick to the once a month both days then add in a second one.

Dont let him do it at your home.

Original poster
CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 18:14

He’s not having them overnight or for the weekend, I won’t be meeting him anywhere I do everything all the rest of the time and all he wants to do is take them out for a few hours once a fortnight and then me to meet half way when I do all the school runs all week and all the hard work? I don’t think so.

We both agree he shouldn’t go there due to the lodgers he’s not asking or wanting to have them there as that would mean 4 kids in his room.

He can get a hotel but 5 people can’t go in a hotel room?

I don’t get child maintenance.

OP posts:
Original poster
CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 18:16

So you do need to stop being obstructive. You cannot just say what is unsuitable in your opinion and assume that this means you have no responsibility for the maintaining of the relationship, you do, as you chose to enter into a distance relationship and as a consequence, the contact now is also your responsibility as well as his.

So you think I should meet him half way and stand on the street and wait for his contact to finish? I do all the hard work all day every day, he’s never done a school run (never been to the school) never had them overnight never done a hospital or drs or dentist appointment

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 30/05/2021 18:18

On every thread you post people tell you this is not your issue to solve its his

Original poster
CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 18:19

Well apparently it’s is and I’m being obstructive 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 30/05/2021 18:22

He is a flake.

You are exasperated and fed up with trying to deal with your children's disappointment.

You are not obstructive.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/05/2021 18:23

I don’t get child maintenance.

Why not? I assume the lodger money is treated as income.

Original poster
CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 18:24

Because he doesn’t work

OP posts:
BusyLizzie61 · 30/05/2021 18:26

@CandyFIosss

So you do need to stop being obstructive. You cannot just say what is unsuitable in your opinion and assume that this means you have no responsibility for the maintaining of the relationship, you do, as you chose to enter into a distance relationship and as a consequence, the contact now is also your responsibility as well as his.

So you think I should meet him half way and stand on the street and wait for his contact to finish? I do all the hard work all day every day, he’s never done a school run (never been to the school) never had them overnight never done a hospital or drs or dentist appointment

Ultimately, yes. And liklihood is a court would say similarly.

You're resident parent and it means that you do get to do the drudge.

You're equally responsible. Had you both been local, a court may still see things this way, but even more so as you entered into it knowing this and then have both moved fourth apart.

This isn't about what's easiest or best for you or the father. It's about what's best for the children and that's you also working cooperatively for their contact.

The fact he has had MH issues, this also could be construed as you using this against him. He probably needs some good support, advice and advocacy tbh going forward. You say you both agree re the lodgers, I wonder if that's due to you being so insistent and forthright about this and he's gone along with it, not wishing to have to argue about this too....

What's best for the children? Quite obviously contact with both parents.

Whose responsibility to act in the childrens best interests? The parents who need to coparent and that means your restrictions on the contact equal limited "down time" for you as a consequence. Address the issues and you may get your wish.. M

Original poster
CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 18:28

Well if they stayed at his house it would mean 4 children staying in his bed room, where would they all sleep? He’s never asked to take them to his, he’s ideal world would be seeing them at mine.

Either way I’m not willing to travel half way and stand on the street for 2/3 hours. He won’t go to court as he isn’t that bothered, my oldest is 10, he’s never bothered.

OP posts:
Original poster
CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 18:29

He’s mental health issues meant he went for almost a year without seeing his children yet it’s me using that against him 🙄

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 30/05/2021 18:30

Then dump your expectations of him he is simply never going to live up to them

StopPokingTheRoyalTitDear · 30/05/2021 18:32

@CandyFIosss

Well apparently it’s is and I’m being obstructive 🤷‍♀️
You’re really not being obstructive. His lack of effort, picking up and them dropping the children over and over without warning or explanation is hugely damaging and will be seen as far worse in family court than you saying “no, I don’t want to meet halfway and hang around in an area I don’t know with no money while he sees them”. My ex is similar: expects everyone else (me basically) to sort everything out to make his life easier and if I don’t my kids don’t see the useless shit for dust.

Besides, what are the chances he will take this to court? It’s not cheap and he doesn’t sound massively invested in his relationship with the children so I doubt you have much to worry about there. But if it does go to court I still think you’ll probably be fine. Just raging at what a bastard he is.

Original poster
CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 18:32

You know he could just remove the lodgers then see his kids properly, how can he have 4 kids in one room? Where would they all sleep? I’m genuinely asking how that would work? our children are 10 girl 9 boy 7 boy 4 girl

OP posts:
Original poster
CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 18:33

He wouldn’t take me to court, he’s said that before when I suggested getting contact arranged properly.

OP posts:
JustLyra · 30/05/2021 18:35

If you wanted you could apply to CMS for maintenance. When he gets a nil award you’d apply for a variation and ask them to consider the lodger income - they’ll take any taxable income into account. How easy it is depends on how properly he’s doing everything and declaring income?

How many lodgers does he have?

Original poster
CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 18:38

Im not certain on how many lodgers, he rents out every room, the last time I spoke to him he had 3 and was sleeping in the living room but that was a while ago, I haven’t asked since as he doesn’t like telling me too much.

I’ve claimed child maintenance in the past, they weren’t interested in the lodgers and told me to report him to HMRC, I’m not going to do that.

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 30/05/2021 18:46

2 hours isn't too far to travel. Could he not just at least come every second Sunday and take them out to lunch then to a park etc and back home. At least he would see them. I have a friend whose exh did that alternate Sundays all through childhood and the teen years and they still have Sunday lunch regularly with their Dad in their 20s.

Muchmorethan · 30/05/2021 18:52

Good God...I would NEVER have my XH at mine... and it was our family home.

That is the OP private and personal space. Like hell should she be made to feel guilty and uncomfortable in her own home.

JustLyra · 30/05/2021 18:55

@CandyFIosss

Im not certain on how many lodgers, he rents out every room, the last time I spoke to him he had 3 and was sleeping in the living room but that was a while ago, I haven’t asked since as he doesn’t like telling me too much.

I’ve claimed child maintenance in the past, they weren’t interested in the lodgers and told me to report him to HMRC, I’m not going to do that.

You can bat that back to CMS if you want. Ask them, I’m writing, to do a variation taking into account his unearned taxable income from the lodgers
Original poster
CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 18:58

No 2 hours isn’t far, he was doing that, coming down once a fortnight to take them out but he never sticks to it.

OP posts:
kerbearr · 30/05/2021 19:05

Can he not take them out for a while, take them for dinner, some soft play, the cinema, swimming saying everything is open now

Original poster
CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 19:06

Yes that is what he was doing but he refuses to stick to it and says it’s too much effort/travelling in one day

OP posts:
Original poster
CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 19:09

He hasn’t seen them since the end of January because he couldn’t keep up with it and has made excuses since then, he plans to come down and see them but never makes an arrangement to, I don’t think I’m making it clear that his arrangement was to come down and see them and take them for the day but he doesn’t stick to it, he does it for a few months then just stops and doesn’t see them again for a few months, rinse and repeat.

OP posts:
StopPokingTheRoyalTitDear · 30/05/2021 19:12

@CandyFIosss

Yes that is what he was doing but he refuses to stick to it and says it’s too much effort/travelling in one day
Then he doesn’t see them 🤷‍♀️ And yes, it is awful for the children that they are not a big enough priority for their own father but that is on him, not their mother. I’d not contact him, wait for him to make contact with you and tell him what you expect from him and it’s that or nothing. He brings nothing to the table, not even child support. He can’t even be arsed to visit them for a few hours at a time because “it’s too much hassle”.

You’re never going to change the useless sack of minge so all you can do is change how you react to him and your expectations.