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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist he makes proper arrangements?

130 replies

CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 13:08

I’ve been split up with my ex for over 4 years now (we have 4 children) since we’ve been split up he has never had them over night (not once at all) due to his living arrangements he is unable to have them at his house, his ideal situation would be seeing them in my house but that didn’t work because we don’t get on, he saw them for a bit at my house but it wasn’t working, I told him he needed to start making other arrangements and he could take them out for the day instead, he has been unable to stick to this due to the fact he lives 2 hours away and it was too much effort for him to travel 2 hours down to take the kids out for the day and 2 hours back home. We have tried this 3 times and he just doesn’t stick to it, he will do it for a bit and then stop seeing them for months as it because too much effort, he currently isn’t seeing them at all but still makes half hearted attempts at contact. Wibu to say that until he is able to have the children at his house then contact can’t happen? I really don’t know what other solution there is as the children are being hurt by him seeing them for a bit then not bothering because it’s too much work. There’s a lot more to the situation but that is the basics of it.

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 30/05/2021 14:54

It is not OP responsibility.

He is an adult.

He needs to grow up.

BluebirdHill · 30/05/2021 14:54

@Scattyhattie

Surely he could get a cheap room for the night and see them both days if he wanted to.
I think @Scattyhattie meant he could just book a Travelodge room for himself the night before so he could come straight to pick them up in the morning? And the same that evening if he didn't want to drive back, but at least one night would help.

it was too much effort for him to travel 2 hours down to take the kids out for the day and 2 hours back home

This is pathetic of him though tbh. If I saw my kids once a fortnight, I'd be prepared to drive a lot further than that to make it happen.

newnortherner111 · 30/05/2021 15:12

I think you should insist, otherwise no contact or a formal arrangement via the courts.

Original poster
CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 15:16

Ah that makes more sense about the hotel, I doubt he would spend the money like I said but I guess it’s something to bare in mind. He doesn’t drive btw.

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 30/05/2021 15:20

@CandyFIosss

He’s not having them at mine. That’s not happening, we tried it and it didn’t work and I no longer feel comfortable with him in my house. We both agree the kids can’t go there as he rents out every single room.
Nor should you op.

If this went to family court no judge would insist that you accommodate the ex's contact in your own home.

LookItsMeAgain · 30/05/2021 15:33

@CherieBabySpliffUp

Would you trust him in your house if you weren't there? A four hour round trip is doable if he wanted to see his children badly enough.
It's not up to the OP to provide a location where the father of the children can meet up with his own children so trusting him or not doesn't factor into this.

If he wants to see his kids, he sets up proper arrangements - a regular date and location where this can happen.

If the OP wants to help, she could agree that she could drive half way to this new meeting location & wait for the kids to be returned but in all honesty that would also not be a requirement, more like a 'nice to have her help with' kind of scenario.

That's my take on it.

Original poster
CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 16:06

I’m not willing to meet him anywhere

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/05/2021 16:06

So he chooses to have the money from several lodgers over having his DC EOW, he really isn't interested is he?

JustLyra · 30/05/2021 16:12

He could book a premier inn once a month at least and then he’d have a place to stay and take the kids.

A friend of mine does that regularly atm as his ex is caring for her mother and it’s an 8 hour round trip.

I wouldn’t stop his contact as that could very well come back and bite you when the kids are older, even doing it for the best of intentions may not work out well.
I would start having a back up plan so that when he doesn’t turn up you can take the kids out and distract them. When my ex used to play that I used to pull the dough mixes for homemade pizza out the cupboard - distracted he kids. Eventually they made their own decisions about contact with their father.

You absolutely don’t need to facilitate him in your home.

nimbuscloud · 30/05/2021 16:15

What age are the children?

Original poster
CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 16:18

10 and under

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 30/05/2021 16:29

@CandyFIosss

I’m not willing to meet him anywhere
If you both moved, can I ask why not?

TBF he sounds like an utter waste of skin but for the kids I might try a bit. I wouldn't let him in the house to nap though!

chickenyhead · 30/05/2021 16:30

Because he won't sodding turn up and she would have to organise her entire life around his failures!

hellcatspangle · 30/05/2021 16:32

If he's renting out all the rooms in his house, I'm sure he can afford to book an air bnb close by for one weekend a month. If he chooses not to, then that's up to him to explain to the dc. But no YANBU to insist he sorts something out properly or doesn't bother at all. The kids need some routine.

Original poster
CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 16:33

I wouldn’t mind meeting him half way or even alternating the journey if he was having them overnight or for the weekend but not for a few hours no. I’m not willing to hang around on the street.

OP posts:
StopPokingTheRoyalTitDear · 30/05/2021 16:41

Yanbu to expect him to have regular contact with the children outside of your house. I think even if you got on ok it’s a lot to ask to have your ex in your house, invading your space every weekend/eow/whatever. I wouldn’t put up with that even if I didn’t hate my ex.

As far as I’m aware, it’s his responsibility to maintain contact and it’s your responsibility to facilitate it. As in, make the children available for contact- to be picked up and returned at the appointed times. I’d leave it for him to organise and if you don’t hear anything, meh. Probably not a huge loss to the children if he doesn’t bother as he’d then clearly be a loser they could do without. I hope he’s paying appropriate child support.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/05/2021 16:55

@chickenyhead

Because he won't sodding turn up and she would have to organise her entire life around his failures!
She already did organise her life around his failures by having 4 children with him. I'm quite sure he didn't start parenting by not talking and falling asleep on the sofa in the last year.

OP I was thinking more, "oh I fancy a bit of shopping/nice activity in x town that's halfway, exP can have the kids for two hours there while I do it". If it's an industrial park, don't.

WingingItEveryDay7 · 30/05/2021 16:57

Why can't he make plans to stay local occasionally when he has them? Are there any zoos, farms etc nearby that he could take them too? He then halves his driving time because let's face it, it's 8 hours of driving a day to pick them up and take them back. My dad lived 2 hours away from us and I doubt very much he'd have driven 8 hours only to have us for a couple.... Not making excuses, but not all dad's have their priorities straight do they 😔 x

Original poster
CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 17:02

OP I was thinking more, "oh I fancy a bit of shopping/nice activity in x town that's halfway, exP can have the kids for two hours there while I do it". If it's an industrial park, don't.

No he wasn’t like this before no but he became mentally unwell (one of the reasons why we broke up) which he uses as a reason for a lot of his behaviour.

I don’t want to do shopping, I don’t enjoy it especially at the moment and I don’t really have the money or want to walk around the shops.

OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 30/05/2021 17:03

He sounds like a shit deadbeat dad. Nothing on earth would keep me away from my DS.

2bazookas · 30/05/2021 17:06

He could take them away for a weekend in a caravan/tent

Starlightstarbright1 · 30/05/2021 17:08

Op .. you have posted a few times on this same subject over months.. He has never stepped up.

It isn't your problem to solve. Start documenting every time he lets the kids down.

Don't contact him because he isn't going to change.

Phineyj · 30/05/2021 17:09

Sounds difficult. It's not your problem to find somewhere they can stay, but if he actually wanted to, Youth Hostels are very nice nowadays, have private ensuite rooms for 2-6, are very cheap and have facilities for self-catering plus things like pool tables and outside space (they've only just reopened though and obviously it depends if there's one nearish).

I've found them a better option for my hyper 8 year old than hotels - not many hotels that have a place to safely play football etc.

www.yha.org.uk/2021-private-rooms

I don't know what he can have thought would happen with access with the moving away, not driving, lodgers and lack of relatives tbh!

BusyLizzie61 · 30/05/2021 18:02

@CandyFIosss

He has lodgers at his house. He has no interest in changing that.

The reason why I want to stop contact unless he can make suitable arrangements is because he won’t stick to the contact we have had, he will go months without seeing them and then pick them up again see them for a bit and then stop again because it’s too much effort, in the mean time my children are hurt and confused about why he keeps stopping contact with them. He didn’t see them for the pretty much the whole of the pandemic because he had nowhere to take them with everything being closed.

Are the lodgers the reason you've decided the accommodation isn't suitable? Be aware that if it is, that a family Court will most likely say otherwise.

And you choosing to restrict the contact, would be viewed as obstructive to the contact, which it is.

Why couldn't he have the children overnight in a cheap hotel or similar?

Is he paying maintenance? Is it via cms? If he is, I'd be advising him that he can have reductions for travel costs and perhaps contributing towards overnight hotel if the reason for no overnights at his home is due to YOU stating the accommodation is unsuitable.

BusyLizzie61 · 30/05/2021 18:05

@CandyFIosss

I’m not willing to meet him anywhere
If he went to court you'd be required, most likely, to facilitate the contact and do at least half of the travel.

So you do need to stop being obstructive. You cannot just say what is unsuitable in your opinion and assume that this means you have no responsibility for the maintaining of the relationship, you do, as you chose to enter into a distance relationship and as a consequence, the contact now is also your responsibility as well as his.