Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not tell DD's friend's mum I won't be there?

321 replies

SatansHelper · 30/05/2021 12:26

DD and friend having a sleepover to celebrate end of GCSEs and school etc. Both 16, both EXTREMELY responsible (DD more responsible than I sometimes). I'm having some issues with DP who has invited me to his the same night to discuss things and potentially stay over. I have never left DD overnight but feel comfortable doing so and even more so with her friend there.

DD is fine with me potentially not being there that night and I said I should mention to friend's mum that I may not be there overnight. I was asked not to as her friend's mum is a bit uptight and apparently took some convincing to let friend come over in the first place. They have not seen each other outside of school since last August and being completely honest I have inklings that there may be a relationship between the two of them which DD has not told me about but it's just my own theory. I have known this friend for four years and I've even taken the two of them on overnight trips both in England and abroad.

If I stayed at DP's I would be 10 miles away.

It feels deceptive not to say anything and it's no problem not to stay at DP's house, he can come to mine but it was more a case of being alone to discuss some issues.
YANBU to not say anything if it means friend can't come over
YABU to not tell friend's mother you may not be at the house overnight

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMoonCup · 30/05/2021 16:11

@SatansHelper

I should have said I have zero concerns about parties or alcohol.
[laughs hollowly]

You don't know many teenagers. Even the quietest, most well behaved ones can do things that sounded like a good idea at the time. Especially when there's unknown quantities like friends who are more strongly controlled or other teenagers who know they're home alone.

Coming back relatively early is a very good idea.

KaleSlayer · 30/05/2021 16:11

If you have reason to believe the other parent wouldn't be happy, then in my opinion you have a duty to check with them.

I think at 16, it’s on the other parent to check with me. And then I wouldn’t lie if asked directly, obviously. To be honest though, I really don’t expect to have to get involved with 16 year olds having sleepovers. They’re not 6.

Devlesko · 30/05/2021 16:14

Sorry, but you need to change your plans or tell your dd the friend can't stay over.
The other mother expects you to be at home, not 11 miles away.
There may be a very good reason that you are unaware of, and lying will turn your dd into a liar too.
I can't believe you are asking, tbh.
Why doesn't dp come over to you?

Sometimesfraught82 · 30/05/2021 16:18

@amylou8

I'm stunned people think a 16 year old can't be left alone. There must be some very bubble wrapped 16 year olds out there.
Did you bother to read the OP?
IveNameChangedAgain2020 · 30/05/2021 16:21

I would be furious if you didn't tell me you're weren't going to be home that evening, let alone being out for the whole night.

Fine if you're okay with that for your child, not fine for you to make that decision on behalf of my child. For those who say a 16 yo can get married at that age, they can also drink. Are you going to give them alcohol too?

I hate this trend of "I'm a cool parent and let me kid do what they want". It's not about having a tight grip, it's about everyone respecting other people's views about parenting and the right to make a decision about how they raise THEIR child.

JayAlfredPrufrock · 30/05/2021 16:24

Wow. Mine went to Leeds festival to celebrate the end of GCSES.

But you should tell the mum.

McCanne · 30/05/2021 16:24

If the mum took some convincing then there might be a reason for it that you’re not privy to. I wouldn’t say anything, I’d just make sure I’m in the house.

Sometimesfraught82 · 30/05/2021 16:28

@McCanne

If the mum took some convincing then there might be a reason for it that you’re not privy to. I wouldn’t say anything, I’d just make sure I’m in the house.
Exactly 16 year old girls not exactly known for always being completely transparent with the truth
KateTheEighth · 30/05/2021 16:30

@amylou8

I'm stunned people think a 16 year old can't be left alone. There must be some very bubble wrapped 16 year olds out there.

It's not about leaving them. It's about telling the other parent that the OP won't be there.

Cancel the cheque....

Subbaxeo · 30/05/2021 16:34

I’m amazed at the number of people who call a 16 yr old a child. It’s a good compromise though,OP to come back later.

Tsubasa1 · 30/05/2021 16:34

Yabvu

KaleSlayer · 30/05/2021 16:37

I would be furious if you didn't tell me you're weren't going to be home that evening, let alone being out for the whole night.

I would be fine with you expecting me to be there. I would respect your wishes and if I told you I will be there, then I will be. But at 16, don’t assume I will be, it is on you to check with me.

I hate this trend of "I'm a cool parent and let me kid do what they want".

I don’t try to be a ‘cool’ parent. My kids have to try their best at school, be respectful, let me know where they are and if plans change etc. On school/college nights, they have to be home at a reasonable time to get enough sleep. My son had some alcohol at home from about 15, not because I am ‘cool’ but because I’m realistic that he was going to drink outside of the house at some point and I wanted him to know what 1 drink or 2 or 3 felt like whilst he was safe at home with us. He’s really responsible and we’ve genuinely never had any issues around these things. He texts me when he’s out to let me know he’s ok, drinks responsibly and is a good kid. Just because you let your child have some freedom, it doesn’t mean you’re doing it to be a cool parent. I always feel happier once he’s home, I worry, but I know it’s good for him.

sunlight81 · 30/05/2021 16:38

As other have said ... I wouldn't contact friend's mum to inform her that you won't be there, but I also wouldn't lie to her if she happens to speak to you about it.

Feather12 · 30/05/2021 16:40

Who is arranging their kids lives at 16? I would not have known who was at my house when my kids were 16, we often woke up and there were extra people there. With this in mind I would definitely not have told other parents if I was not going to be at my house.

Mamanyt · 30/05/2021 16:40

IF I were the other mum and found out about this, I would be livid. I really would. You have every right to make this decision for your daughter, but NOT for hers. Go to DP's, come home at an early hour, if you will, but don't stay over (or late). The other mother WILL find out about it, and there's a friendship lost to your daughter. It isn't worth it.

Sometimesfraught82 · 30/05/2021 16:42

@Subbaxeo

I’m amazed at the number of people who call a 16 yr old a child. It’s a good compromise though,OP to come back later.
I was still a child at 16 And my children will be too

My parents had to give me lifts
They knew where I was
And who I was with
They could say no to me going out and even if I was desperate to go and argue with them - I’d have respect it
I ate the food my mum cooked for me every night
I didn’t do any laundry
I had never grocery shopped in my life

And now single professional working parent of two primary school children - very financially able and capable of doing laundry.

Point is - I was a child at 16

Thatswatshesaid · 30/05/2021 16:45

Tell the friend that you are not okay about lying so she needs to tell her mum. I wouldn’t phone her though. She might lie but that’s her business.

Deadringer · 30/05/2021 16:45

Go to your dps a different night.

BigHeadBertha · 30/05/2021 16:49

Well, the laws and norms differ according to where you live. Here in the USA, sixteen-year-olds are not considered adults in most cases and for most things and their parents can be held liable.

I would go with that, when deciding how to handle this. If it was here, you should definitely tell the other girl's mother you won't be there when she is expecting that you will be.

A sixteen-year-old is not six but also not thirty. With all due respect, they can surprise you, so careful with being overly confident that your angel would never do anything wrong. It makes people howl with laughter behind your back (especially the sixteen-year-olds).

Also, with something going on here that's enough of an issue to do a thread about, why can't you just tell your boyfriend you'll see him another night? He must have a magical dingus!

2bazookas · 30/05/2021 16:52

Of course you must tell the other parent, because you know she won't approve.

How would you feel if DD went to a sleep over where the parents concealed from you the fact they would not be there?

IveNameChangedAgain2020 · 30/05/2021 16:54

Magical Dingus 😂😂😂

MintyMabel · 30/05/2021 16:54

I should have said I have zero concerns about parties or alcohol.

Aww bless. My mum thought that too. I even have used the “other mum is uptight” bullshit excuse as well.

Inertia · 30/05/2021 16:55

You already know the mother is uncomfortable about sleepovers, so it’s a fair bet that she would not be happy about the girls being left alone. It takes a pretty spiteful mother to sabotage her teenage daughter’s friendships by deliberately making plans which would upset the other parent. It really doesn’t matter when any of us would leave our children overnight , it’s a decision for that parent to make.

It’s also irrelevant how sensible the girls are- they wouldn’t be the first teenagers to be overwhelmed by other people turning up at the house.

OhHarry · 30/05/2021 16:57

@SatansHelper

I should have said I have zero concerns about parties or alcohol.
That is stupid in itself. No offence, but I don't think saying your daughter has more sense than you is indicative of much.
nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 30/05/2021 17:01

You can get married and have kids of your own at 16! She's not a child!