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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say I'll never bother again

288 replies

Rosebel · 30/05/2021 11:16

Yesterday discussed with my older children and husband about going out today. They all seemed enthusiastic about it.
Except none of them bothered to get up until now. DD2 asked when we're going out but I said we weren't going now.
Weather is shit now and I'm pissed off with them. Yes I could have got them up earlier but they are teenagers and husband is supposed to be an adult. They all knew we were supposed to be going out.
My husband is bitchimg at me saying I should have woken him but FFS he knew the plan.
Got myself and baby ready but now just think why did I bother? So shall I just say fuck it, no more days out?

OP posts:
boredbuttercup · 01/06/2021 01:37

I think part of it is the fact I have to get up with our baby and sort him out every day but everyone else can't sort themselves out

You can only apply this annoyance to your DH (I assume it's his baby). Your teenagers are not responsible for your choice to have another baby and frankly it's probably been quite a big disturbance to their life. You really should've just knocked rather than seething and winding yourself up.

Posieandpip · 01/06/2021 05:00

Seems very dramatic. Teens are teens and it was only 11!

Posieandpip · 01/06/2021 05:01

This post makes me sad. My mum used to do this - have dramatic and irrational responses to minor issues and make me feel AWFUL. It's such a horrible feeling.

Roselilly36 · 01/06/2021 05:54

My teens are like this, not interested in family days out at all, unless it involves lunch somewhere they like! We let them get on with it, and DH & I go out instead, makes me laugh when they ask what time we will be back, I always say before midnight & shouldn’t I be asking you that! All part of growing up OP, but I get the frustration when they day they will come & then not get up.

Wife2b · 01/06/2021 06:04

I think you sabotaged the day yourself. It wouldn’t of been a big deal to bang on their doors as a reminder.

BigHeadBertha · 01/06/2021 06:16

If I wanted to go out with the family and I was awake, I'd definitely wake them all up.

LunaLula83 · 01/06/2021 06:19

You're a bit passive agressive aren't you.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 01/06/2021 06:36

It isn't your job to wake everyone up. Presumably they get themselves up for work and school. Why didn't your husband help by rousing the teenagers while you got the baby up.
Does he usually lounge about in bed whe you do everything? Id be having words with him about the need to partake more in family life.
This kind of laziness can really chip away at a relationship.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 01/06/2021 06:39

She isn't passive aggressive Luna. She been up with the baby for hours sorting all of that and herself ready while her husband is doing fuck all.

PurrBox · 01/06/2021 06:49

The problem is the husband, not the teens, as the OP said.

The pattern to avoid-

Mum is the person responsible for organising life
People want to do something
Mum organises
People let her do everything
Other family members don't help make it work (sleeping late, being slow, forgetting their walking boots, etc), so something important is shortchanged
Mum cares because she has taken the trouble to think and plan, so for the first 10 years Mum tries to remember everything and be good humoured about mishaps, (people enjoy this without being aware of the effort that goes into it)
Mum gets frustrated
Mum is accused of being 'controlling'
Mum gets more frustrated
Mum stops organising things
People drift apart because no one is making the effort
Dad has an affair (because the joy and excitement has gone from family life)

Cowbells · 01/06/2021 07:06

Next time, set the baby on them while you have a cup of coffee and put your favourite music on at top volume.

Peppapeg · 01/06/2021 07:08

I agree it's DH rather than the teens, he is a grown man and my ex was the same, I'd have to wake him up for things and it was pathetic.

KaleSlayer · 01/06/2021 07:17

I can’t imagine watching it get later and later, not waking them but being annoyed. Just wake them up. Its like game playing, letting it happen so you could have a strop. I think it’s pathetic.

IgglePiggleHater · 01/06/2021 07:28

Still not sure why her family's inability to organise themselves is the OP's problem...could someone clarify this?

OverTheRubicon · 01/06/2021 07:29

@Posieandpip

This post makes me sad. My mum used to do this - have dramatic and irrational responses to minor issues and make me feel AWFUL. It's such a horrible feeling.
Why is is always the mum's fault? I see a family that agreed together to be ready to go out by 10am, but then no-one bothered except the mum, who also got the baby ready.

If it was a one off - then yes overdramatic and irrational. But with a DH who also didn't bother to get up or help, I'd be willing to bet that this is a massive pattern.

Instead of the posters blaming her for not getting the others up or even for having a baby, I'd see more of the responsibility as lying with her DH in particular and with a degree to her teenagers too.

So many British families have such low expectations of teenagers. In my home country many teenagers are helping to raise younger siblings, or tend to animals every day or take on a job to contribute money to the family, here they apparently can't even be expected to get up within 2 hours of when they should have for a fun day out Hmm

Peppapeg · 01/06/2021 07:39

@KaleSlayer

I can’t imagine watching it get later and later, not waking them but being annoyed. Just wake them up. Its like game playing, letting it happen so you could have a strop. I think it’s pathetic.
It's probably the tip of the iceberg. When you all agree on something and no one else bothers, you're probably sick of waking a grown man for the hundredth time when he has the same tools, ie alarm clock (or helping with his baby but that's another issue) as OP.
KaleSlayer · 01/06/2021 07:39

Still not sure why her family's inability to organise themselves is the OP's problem...could someone clarify this?

It just didn’t need to be an issue. OP was awake, it would have taken seconds to wake the others up. I’m usually awake before everyone else so I give them a shout if they need to be up.

KaleSlayer · 01/06/2021 07:42

It's probably the tip of the iceberg. When you all agree on something and no one else bothers, you're probably sick of waking a grown man for the hundredth time when he has the same tools, ie alarm clock (or helping with his baby but that's another issue) as OP.

But if it’s part of a bigger issue, then obviously it needs addressing. But I’d say choosing to make an example of it on a planned day out, doesn’t seem like the best way to do it.

diddl · 01/06/2021 07:51

"It just didn’t need to be an issue. OP was awake, it would have taken seconds to wake the others up."

Isn't the point though that if they had been at all bothered about going then they would have managed to get themselves up & ready?

KaleSlayer · 01/06/2021 08:04

Isn't the point though that if they had been at all bothered about going then they would have managed to get themselves up & ready?

I suppose if you all live quite separately then 🤷🏻‍♀️. If we are all going out for the day, we set an alarm in our room, whoever gets up first, wakes everyone else. I’m often awake early so I just give everyone a shout. There’s 4 people in our house, I would think it a bit overkill to have 4 separate alarms going off.

diddl · 01/06/2021 08:09

Well I suppose it depends what time everyone is up & about.

But then my husband would be up & ready & get the kids up if necessary.

It wouldn't all be left to me to think about everyone else as well as myself & a baby!

looptheloopinahulahoop · 01/06/2021 08:18

If I wanted to leave the house at 10, I'd have knocked on everyone's doors by 9 and told them to get up. It's really not an imposition.

Also, if I were a teenager, I am not sure a day out with a baby sibling would make it worth my while to get up early. Maybe leave the baby with dad and take the teens out?

Thisisus909 · 01/06/2021 08:18

If you have agreed a time with your DH and he oversleeps it is annoying. If that happens multiple times it feels very disrespectful. So I think YANBU if this is part of a pattern.

diddl · 01/06/2021 08:24

Of course it's not an imposition to knock on someone's door.

But if Op is busy with other stuff, why should she also be clock watching & thinking about others?

It's like when someone offers to help-but you need to write a list/say where stuff is/explain how to do it.

You want o just get on with your own stuff & the other people get on with theirs!

IgglePiggleHater · 01/06/2021 08:29

This post makes me sad. My mum used to do this - have dramatic and irrational responses to minor issues and make me feel AWFUL. It's such a horrible feeling.

This pattern occurred in our house growing up. What usually happened was that we had pushed our lovely, hardworking mum too far and she lost it over something insignificant.

Looking back -

  • She worked full-time.
  • She did 90% of the housework.
  • She carried 100% of the mental load.
  • She was keeper of the family enthusiasm and was expected to make special occasions special. We always woke up on holidays to fresh orange juice, croissants and jam and a cheery 'good morning'. She chose all the presents, arranged all the trips out and was everyone's shoulder to cry on and complain to.

We were a moany ungrateful bunch. Our mum was fantastic 99% of the time and then, every now and again, she'd have a big blow-out over something small, shout at us all and go to bed and ignore us for the rest of the day. We'd all feel awful too and wish she would go away and not make us feel bad. "Silly mum is having one of her moments again".

It was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Looking back, I don't blame her. I'm actually quite ashamed of how we all took advantage of her. I'd say she ought to have given us a kick up the backside much earlier on, but that feels a bit like victim-blaming. Why do women have to be responsible for absolutely everything, including making sure other people behave decently to them?