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AIBU?

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Original poster

Help pls. Husband... (and his meetings with a She-friend)

346 replies

Aeropostale2021 · 30/05/2021 10:35

Yes, the friend in question is a She friend. What would you do or think about it?
They met about 3 years ago through a hobby in common. No problem at all, everything was fine then. Pandemic in between and they have just reunited again.
But now, this is my confusion, annoyance, perplexed feelings, etc. He just started seeing her again but as a friend for a coffee and a chat. Their hobby sessions are not happening at the moment but apparently they will keep up their meetings just like in the past but now as purely friends.
What do you do if your husband decide that is perfectly fine to continue meetings with a female friend of an activity that is not happening anymore? But I have to add the friend in an attractive and smart woman.
He denies any wrong doing with her. He clearly stated that she is like a sister for him and he enjoys talking to her as they share a leisure interest and that's all.
Utterly confused here, please help.
I don't what to make a drama but at the same time I feel puzzled by the situation and his behavior.
Thanks for reading! x

OP posts:
VenusTiger · 30/05/2021 20:56

I don't understand why she would want to meet up with a married man every single week on his own - if I was her I'd feel uncomfortable about it.
In my late teens, my closest friends were 5 males and 2 females - the females dropped out (long story) and I carried on socialising with 3 males - for years, but once I'd settled down with DH, I saw them less and less or mostly with him in tow.
If I was single, I'd find it weird going for a regular date (that's what it is I guess, a date in the diary to socialise) with a married man - I think at this point, I'd be tempted to invite his wife along, or at least suggest it.

fearfulfran · 30/05/2021 21:02

I don't think I've ever had a friend of either sex who's so close they're like a sibling to me, but who haven't met my partner...

a female friend of mine recently got fairly friendly with a married man and after a month or so when they'd met up maybe 2 or 3 times alone she asked to meet his wife, as in, asked them both over for drinks. She felt weird not having met the wife and wanted to make sure it was all above board. I'm a bit suspicious of this woman who has built up such a close relationship with a married man but who hasn't made the effort to get to know his family. Unless she has suggested it and hes said no... which in itself isn't good.

Tal45 · 30/05/2021 21:06

Why don't you suggest he invites her round to have coffee at the house with you as well?
What is your gut telling you? That there's more to this or that they're just friends?

welliesarefuntowear · 30/05/2021 21:08

@JamieFrasersAuntie posts are excellent. I really feel for you OP. You know something isn't right and my feeling is trust your instincts. Of course men and women can be friends. But this is bothering you and you need some honesty from him. Don't let him blind side you.

Sally2791 · 30/05/2021 21:08

Difficult one. Could be completely innocent, but weekly is high frequency, I don’t see my good friends that often. Cynically, I think men rarely are entirely platonic in their interactions. Keep an eye on it.

MinorCharacter · 30/05/2021 21:11

@GabriellaMontez

A weekly coffee.

This is a date.

Not a catch up with a friend who happens to be a woman but feels like a sister. Blah blah.

I dont know your circumstances but who has time for a weekly coffee with a friend?

Well clearly he does. He must really prioritise his time with her. How does this for in with your shared life OP?

I have weekly coffees with friends of both sexes. It’s not insanely time-consuming. And I’ve managed to keep my clothes on in all cases.
MinorCharacter · 30/05/2021 21:13

And the expression ‘She-friend’ makes the OP sound quite mad.

Delectable · 30/05/2021 21:18

Neither my husband nor myself will be comfortable with this.
My husband always has a third party attend if he has a meeting with a female. Even if it was an old friend he met once in a very blue moon we would expect it won't be alone.

Original poster
Aeropostale2021 · 30/05/2021 21:28

#MinorCharacter there is no need to call me mad, I am not.
"SHE friend" wording just meant that he is seeing a woman. Haven't you heard it before? Nothing twisted about in the title.

OP posts:
georgarina · 30/05/2021 21:28

And the expression ‘She-friend’ makes the OP sound quite mad.

Let's not gaslight a woman for her valid concerns.

Original poster
Aeropostale2021 · 30/05/2021 21:33

Thank youuuuu Georgarina

OP posts:
mightbealittlebitmad · 30/05/2021 21:34

[quote TigerMum8]@mightbealittlebitmad

Bit harsh on your husband that you can’t find time to go on dates with him but you find time to spend with other men, because of childcare. Don’t blame him for being funny if he is acting as babysitter whilst you are laughing it up with some bloke down the pub.[/quote]
Ok then.

Is it allowed if I'm laughing it up with a female friend at soft play or is it frowned upon because it's a pub/male?

JamieFrasersAuntie · 30/05/2021 21:35

Exactly DreamingNow. He has blatantly told the op that this friendship is different and special by describing her as a sister. There is an intimacy between siblings (whether you get on or not). You've grown up together in the same family with the same childhood experiences. You've often shared a bath or bedroom or wore their hand me downs or play fought. Then there is the whole " Big brother" bollocks and feeling protective of your younger sister thing going on.

He is telling her there is an inappropriate level of intimacy there, a familiarity that should not be, because they are NOT siblings. And they shouldn't act like they are. When someone describes a fucking random that they haven't seen for nearly a year as "like a sister" it should ring alarm bells. Because something has significantly changed from her being a general member of the hobby group a year ago. And it hasn't happened overnight.

It's fairly obvious they have spent a significant amount of time chatting during the lockdown. It probably was initially about the hobby but has clearly changed into something else. It sounds like he has a lot of time on his hands op. I would be very surprised if he is only meeting with her once a week.

It's marriage, not prison. If he's going to stray, then he's going to. You either trust him or not. What's your alternative? You are going to ban him from seeing anyone you don't approve of and punish him if he doesn't obey you? I'd guess that would end the marriage anyway

There are other options in between blindly trusting someone and banning them from seeing people.

mightbealittlebitmad · 30/05/2021 21:37

Me too. I have a weekly catch up over a coffee/walk with a female friend when we are childfree during the day. I could be cleaning the windows I suppose like a good wife but meeting her for coffee in the day means I'm not going to be out in the evening meaning more time spent with our husbands. Can't argue with that.

JamieFrasersAuntie · 30/05/2021 21:44

There are some nasty posts on here. The mad comment is awful.

I have noticed frequently, on here and in real life that when woman dare to assert themselves other women often respond with anger. I don't know if it's denial or the topic but I see it all too often.

Peach01 · 30/05/2021 21:46

I wouldn't be happy and in all honesty it doesn't matter what anyone else's opinion is, if you makes you uncomfortable then that's an issue.
My DP doesn't have female friends and I would feel strange if he struck up a new friendship with a female. Even more so if they were spending a lot of time together. He would feel the same way. Even if I were single I would never meet up with a married man, it would feel wrong to me.
I know people who have friendships with people of the opposite sex through meeting at courses etc and there's been nothing in it. They don't meet up regularly though and are more acquaintances as time goes by.
It could all be innocent but your feelings need to be taken into account.

fearfulfran · 30/05/2021 21:48

Just thinking about describing a friend as "like a brother". never have, apart from my oldest friend's brother who I've known since I was 8 years old. We grew up together. A new friend would never be like a brother or sister. Agree it's a huge red flag

MinorCharacter · 30/05/2021 21:53

@georgarina

And the expression ‘She-friend’ makes the OP sound quite mad.

Let's not gaslight a woman for her valid concerns.

I made no mention of the OP’s concerns . I said the expression ‘She-friend’, which she uses twice, does sound quite mad, as if this woman is some kind of sinister new species, rather than some woman who met and bonded with theOP’s husband through their shared love of macramé or darts.
Figgygal · 30/05/2021 21:56

I have always had a mixture of male and female friends
One of my best friends I’ve known since I was 15 is male there’s never been even a sniff of anything between us and yes actually I do have a better relationship with him that I do my own brother

I don’t get this whole men and women can’t be friends brigade and I don’t understand not trusting my partner with someone just because they’re of the opposite sex.

manicwhatday · 30/05/2021 22:10

@Aeropostale2021

But I have to add the friend in an attractive and smart woman

Why do you have to add that? If she was unattractive and not smart, would that change how you felt about your husband being friends with this woman?

gingganggooleywotsit · 30/05/2021 22:26

It would really irritate me, and my dh wouldn’t do it in the first place. None of the married men I know have regular coffee dates with female friends, even though on here apparently everyone’s husband does it.

Original poster
Aeropostale2021 · 30/05/2021 22:26

Oh I feel sooo bad... Ok for those who follow the thread, first time in my life I spy on his phone.
She appears in her WhatsApp contacts, very pretty.
The messages there are of time and place of meeting that is a public cafe and that's great I think.
There is a tone of complicity and mutual understanding so their bond is clear and they mention that they will repeat the coffee next week.
I'm too nervous to talk with him about her, I'll wait until tomorrow.

Maybe I should not be so worried after all?? But definitely feel jealous of their coffee times!

OP posts:
gingganggooleywotsit · 30/05/2021 22:28

I would hate it, invite yourself along next time!

TellmewhoIam · 30/05/2021 22:29

Some people like routine. A walk on Sundays or games night on Saturdays. I don't see meeting weekly as suspicious in itself. That said, most of my friendships began as activity-based and I genuinely haven't noticed my friends as 'men', 'women', 'other', so much as noticing 'the one who likes walking but not swimming' and so on.

Babygotblueyes · 30/05/2021 22:38

I have a male friend from work I meet every month or so for coffee, strictly platonic, his wife is fine with it, our relationship is no more sexual than mine with any other friends.

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