Help pls. Husband... (and his meetings with a She-friend)

[Aeropostale2021]

Yes, the friend in question is a She friend. What would you do or think about it?
They met about 3 years ago through a hobby in common. No problem at all, everything was fine then. Pandemic in between and they have just reunited again.
But now, this is my confusion, annoyance, perplexed feelings, etc. He just started seeing her again but as a friend for a coffee and a chat. Their hobby sessions are not happening at the moment but apparently they will keep up their meetings just like in the past but now as purely friends.
What do you do if your husband decide that is perfectly fine to continue meetings with a female friend of an activity that is not happening anymore? But I have to add the friend in an attractive and smart woman.
He denies any wrong doing with her. He clearly stated that she is like a sister for him and he enjoys talking to her as they share a leisure interest and that's all.
Utterly confused here, please help.
I don't what to make a drama but at the same time I feel puzzled by the situation and his behavior.
Thanks for reading! x

@jacks11 but there’s zero possibility of an affair with a man and there’s a possibility of an affair with a woman and that’s the difference. I think a weekly meet up with a new male friend would be a bit excessive tbh though ! May be that’s because I meet different friends and monthly

I don’t understand why there’s such mistrust around mixed sex friendship. It’s perfectly possible to be platonic friends with a member of the opposite sex. I enjoy chatting to a few male friends and have never once considered them to be of any romantic interest. You need to trust each other and that seems to be the real issue

I wouldn't be happy with this. DH has a couple of female friends who he texts, usually about rugby.

However we all know each other and have met as families occasionally.

I have no male friends because like a PP said, nearly all made a move at some point.

This wouldn’t bother me, but only based on his Body language and attitude towards it. If he’s reserved, secretive or dismissive then it’s a red flag.

The real decided would be; if you asked him if you could join him one day for a coffee with him and his she-friend. What would his reaction be? If he brushed you off and refused. I’d be worried. But of her said yes or if you admitted it makes you uncomfortable so would like to join once in a while , and he lets you.. then it wouldn’t bother me.

There’s always so much more to “my husband has a female friend should I trust him?” It’s unfortunately just not that simple.

I have a lunch planned with a former colleague this week, male. My husband couldn't be less concerned. We both have friends of the opposite sex. Similarly, I have no worries about him and his female pals.

ill be honest, i wouldnt be happy, why isnt this a group meet? how would he feel if the situation was reversed?

Unfortunately it sounds like an emotional affair that is on a steady trajectory towards a physical one. I’m sure he’d be thrilled with you meeting a chiselled specimen from one of your classes for dates and intimate chats. What do they talk about? Does he discuss your marriage and it’s details? Are you painted in a negative light to justify his need to meet up with her? I think you need to stop being so passive and put your foot down. Your gut instinct is that this weird and I think your gut instinct is correct.

Op there is lots of information online about emotional affairs. Before you decide whether it is or what to do you might find is useful to find out more about them. The situation is not unique, in fact it's fairly predictable which is why they refer to it as a script. It's also why some posters have been concerned about the comparison to a sister.

www.nayaclinics.com/post/emotional-infidelity-emotional-affairs-what-is-it-and-what-to-do-about-it-naya-clinics

Emotional affairs have stages, and if you do some googling it unfortunately looks like he's at stage 3 where he's now incorporating her into his life and they're spending time alone.He has been able to develop this emotional intimacy with her without any scrutiny from you by being secretive about it (stage 2)

You should not underestimate the amount of deception, time and emotional investment it takes to develop this sort of emotional intimacy with someone behind a spouses back. This is what posters who are calling you jealous are not understanding.

The more you know the better equipped you will be to deal with it. You should also know that many emotional affairs involve the dysfunctional role of what they refer to as White Knight and Dumsell in Distress. Do you know if she confides in him or he supports her with personal problems?

If you google you will either recognise the script or you won't. I hope you won't. But if you do recognise it you will also read all sorts about how they're something wrong in your marriage or unmet needs. Don't take any of this on. The something wrong is in the cheater, not the marriage.

And this is why I am so relieved gay, and therefore can hang out with my male friends without being accused of trying to steal them!

Not sure why you’re being labelled as paranoid here OP they have a sexual history. For that reason, I wouldn’t be ok with it.

Oops wrong thread🤦‍♀️

@Peachesarepeach

Hmm, in theory I wouldn't have an issue with this but I think the weekly frequency might set off some questions. Is he someone who would usually meet friends with such regularity? Neither my husband or I see anyone near that frequency (tho I accept we might be the weird ones) so if he suddenly started to see a woman weekly for a chat I'd be surprised.

This exactly. It's the frequency of it I'd wonder about. But then I don't have adult friends who, with working and kids, would ever have that much time for another adult friend each week. Seems excessive on that basis but your lifestyles may be different.

@Tigertalk

So the issue is about trust? Refusing to allow him to have a female friend won’t stop him having an affair, if he wants to. If he is going to, then he will anyway.

There is no way I’d tolerate my DH telling me who I could and could not be friends with. Not woukd I be happy if he started trying to dictate when or how often I could see my friends. I would never presume to do that to him either.

Though I would say, if there is a sexual history between them, that would change things somewhat. But it still comes down to whether you trust your partner or not- if you don’t, or if you think he is having/wants to have an affair, then the fact his friend is female is a secondary problem.

@jacks11 affairs are as much about opportunity as anything and not trusting your guts that something seems off and setting some boundaries. I agree you can’t ban someone from seeing friends. However, you can question what’s happening like op is - the weird frequency, the fact they aren’t meeting with the rest of the group, the fact the hobby isn’t even happening. Op will know if this is normal for him and his other friends or not and go with her gut ( I’m guessing it’s not and hence posting)
I see a lot of threads on here where women don’t discover affairs for years and they’ve probably ignored their gut feelings.
At the very least op needs to share her concerns with her dh or meet the friend. If my dh was anxious about a male friend, I’d go out of my way to be transparent and make him feel relaxed about it ( in fact I have done this ) I wouldn’t stop seeing the friend or expect him to but I would be sensitive to the person I actually love

I have a male friend who I tend to meet weekly. Usually we have one or more of the 3 kids with us but occasionally we are alone. Went out for drinks the other week to the pub we work in, husband knew all about it. 2 days later I met a female friend for dinner and drinks.

Husband and I don't have weekly dates because we have kids and it would be a nightmare to sort out childcare. We spend time together when the kids are in bed and save proper nights out for once in a while when we can sort childcare.

Now he is funny about this friendship because he doesn't think men and women can be friends because the man will always try it on. Not sure what that says about me but whatever. I'm not giving up a friendship just because the person has a penis, it's ridiculous. I have another male friend I meet for lunch semi frequently too as well as my female friends who I have playdates with, coffee with, dinner, nights out etc. My behaviour is no different if it's a male friend.

Of course your husband could be having a raging affair with her but stopping him from seeing her isn't going to prevent it. He will just find ways around it, depends if you think he will do it or not. If you think he will and you aren't ok with it (open relationship etc) then you need to end it. If you have no reason to think he will then just let him be.

@Tigertalk, agreed, this is sound advice. The issue isn’t about trust or insecurity or dictating to a spouse. It’s just about common sense and gut feeling. The shared hobby is a fig leaf for OP’s husband to spend time with an attractive woman that isn’t his wife. Posters smugly bleating about trust are missing the point and the classic warning signs. Why isn’t OP invited to these cosy chats? I agree with your main point that even if they both started out with the best of intentions, they are on a predictable path to creating an issue and OP would be justified in nipping these regular exclusive meetings with a new friend in the bud.

@mightbealittlebitmad

Bit harsh on your husband that you can’t find time to go on dates with him but you find time to spend with other men, because of childcare. Don’t blame him for being funny if he is acting as babysitter whilst you are laughing it up with some bloke down the pub.

If you think you are capable of meeting a male friend socially without any ulterior motives or romantic notions then you should assume your husband is capable of the same.

Absolutely no bloody way!!!! I’d be fuming!!

No, I wouldnt like it. Dh's friendship group is Male. If he suddenly started to hang out with a woman i wouldnt appreciate it! I also know he wouldnt be impressed if i started a friendship with a man. We're both on the same page with this though, so it's not an issue.

I think the main issue here is a distrust of your husband. Even if she threw herself, naked and begging, at him, would he turn her down? If so, I think you need to back off. Maybe they really are just pals, with a shared interest?

I’ve got make friends who I do activities with, and wouldn’t think twice about having lunch/coffee/drinks with. I now wonder if their wives/partners worry about our friendships. They have no need to!

It's marriage, not prison. If he's going to stray, then he's going to. You either trust him or not. What's your alternative? You are going to ban him from seeing anyone you don't approve of and punish him if he doesn't obey you? I'd guess that would end the marriage anyway.

What @JamieFrasersAuntie said.

Meeting a female friend is one thing. Meeting with her EVERY WEEK is another.
Having a female friend from a hobby is one thing. Having one that you have grown so close to ‘she is like a sister’ is another.

FWIW it’s that last one ‘like a sister’ that sits very badly with me. Because he needs to grown very lose to her. But also because he felt he needed to label that relationship in this way. Like he had to hide something iyswim.

@Moondust001

It's marriage, not prison. If he's going to stray, then he's going to. You either trust him or not. What's your alternative? You are going to ban him from seeing anyone you don't approve of and punish him if he doesn't obey you? I'd guess that would end the marriage anyway.

No but knowing and stating your boundaries makes a huge difference imo.

Her dh needs to know if by seeing said woman every week, on a 1-1 basis, he is going over boundaries.
Up to him to chose to ignore them after....