Guy I've been on dates with has slept with someone else..aibu to be put off him?

[rachelsunshine]

I've had 3 dates with a guy and had a good time each time.
Tomorrow we have a date and we have booked for drinks and a meal.

He was out last night on a lads night out.
He has just text telling me he slept with someone last night and he wanted to be honest.
He said he still wants to see me tomorrow and hopes I still want to see him.
Aibu to be put off?
Would you still go ?

I’d be put off, especially if you’re in regular contact via text etc

At the risk of having an unpopular opinion, when I’ve been the guy in the casual relationship(s), I also made sure that everybody I was involved with knew precisely so that they could make informed decisions for themselves. It wasn’t a test to see what I could get away with, nor was it a harbinger of unsavoury behaviour to come - it was consideration towards people that there was no commitment (yet) with whom I thought had a right to maximum pertinent information.

I have also been on the receiving end of being told by someone I had a casual interest in that they had slept with someone within the envelope of time we had been casually seeing each other in - no harm no foul on their part, and it let me decide if that changed things for me and also double-and-triple check protection.

Another oldie and it would be a no from me.

If ANYTHING makes you feel uncomfortable, please do not question if you are being unreasonable. If your gut says walk please walk if not run. I wish I had listened to a "WTF" moment many, many years ago.

This has been an illuminating thread because I could very much see myself in his position without any of the connotations that are being attributed to him.
I would not consider three dates to be in serious territory, especially if you haven't slept together and haven't discussed exclusiveness.
Personally, some of the 'relationship baggage' I carry with me is an absolute hatred of dishonesty, especially around sex, mostly due to an ex who lied about his cheating for years.
If I were in his position, I would definitely have told you because I'd not want to start a relationship where the other person doesn't know something that might change their choices.

I’d actually see this is an honesty and I wouldn’t necessarily tell him to run. There are an awful lot of liars out there, and at least this means he isn’t one. Of course ideally I would like someone to date me, and only me but the current norm is that until there’s commitment there is a free for all.

It is, like a lot of posters said, a bit icky. You want to be feeling like attraction is warming up and then he hops off to sleep with his friend with benefits and that is not attractive.

I just know, having been in and out of the dating game, that it is brutal out there. And I’d weigh this one up with the whole package. Does he seem like in any way someone with good qualities otherwise? Many men get a bit carried away with the whole hey we can sleep with people with no commitment, and it’s not great, but it’s how it is. Plenty of women will accept this.

If the man is worth pursuing, then I’d be clear that we just keep it strictly friends and get to know each other but put off any romantic commitment. Be clear that if it gets to the stage where you both feel it is worth it with each other, than you any sexual activity can only begin with a clear run!

@C0nstance

I'm in my 50s too and when I did OLD in my 40s I stupidly slept with people a couple of times before having the ''are we exclusive''. these were men pushing 50. I didn't think i needed to. But men have taken to the ''we're not exclusive'' defense like ducks to water.

I am just so turned off dating now.

Agree. The whole idea of dating multiple people at once gives me the ick. If you like someone you'd be putting your effort into seeing where that goes not playing the field. I wouldn't be prepared to date someone who was simultaneously dating/ having sex other people. ⬅️ Not envy!

What do you think he would have said, if you had sent him the very same text.

I think there was an American dating show where she said ‘no sex without commitment’

And this is a great one for women especially I think. Jaded and stereotyped as it is, I think men give up the chase a bit once you’ve had sex with them.

But I wouldn’t give up on a man becasue he was having sex and telling me. But I certainly wouldn’t add myself to that list. Carry on dating and get to know him. An honest one is quite hard to find!

I'd say. That's fine as I did the same with someone last night and this honesty thing is very good. Let's see how we get on and go from there. See his response

Each to their own, and he’s done nothing wrong obvs, but it would be no from me.

I wouldn't be able to sit there, invest my time and energy into someone, knowing that, less than 48 hours ago, his cock was in some other woman.

I couldn't and wouldn't put myself through that.

Hope you tell him to do one! If you carry on seeing him, he will cause you pain.

This little snippet is the introduction to your dating story with him. Close the book!!

If he liked you that much he wouldn't have wanted to sleep with someone else.

3 dates in and presumably chatting/flirting by text etc in between? This is usually the stage where you're excited to meet, sexual tension is growing, you keep thinking about that other person.

Text back. 'Thanks for letting me know. Let's leave it there. See you around maybe.'

@ChaToilLeam

I’d think he is testing you. I’d bin him.

Exactly this. Both sexes do this to see what standards the other has and what they can get away with. As someone else has said, he hasn't technically done anything wrong, but just evaluate what you want from a relationship and what your boundaries are.

Pretzelcoatl

"I have also been on the receiving end of being told by someone I had a casual interest in that they had slept with someone within the envelope of time we had been casually seeing each other in - no harm no foul on their part, and it let me decide if that changed things for me..."

And had it changed things for you? You don't need to answer that, if you don't want to!

@WalkthisWayUK

I think there was an American dating show where she said ‘no sex without commitment’

And this is a great one for women especially I think. Jaded and stereotyped as it is, I think men give up the chase a bit once you’ve had sex with them.

But I wouldn’t give up on a man becasue he was having sex and telling me. But I certainly wouldn’t add myself to that list. Carry on dating and get to know him. An honest one is quite hard to find!

It was millionaire matchmaker ,the host said repeatedly to the males and females no sex before committing...or words similar.

OP sounds like he wants sex no commitment and the fact he slept with someone and told you is grim.what does he want a medal for telling you ?
I'd be worried about catching a std off him .
Just bin him ...there are others

I wouldn't be able to sit there, invest my time and energy into someone, knowing that, less than 48 hours ago, his cock was in some other woman

And that in 48 hours it could well be in the same woman again or another woman.
I couldn't sit and look at him without thinking about it.

For me it would be a no-go. Yes, I'm old-fashioned and back in my day people didn't date several people at once.
It doesn't really matter if others say it's the norm these days. If it makes the OP feel uncomfortable/ick then she can cancel the date.

Wish him well, block, move on.

Whether you're dating officially or not, he knows it was an off thing to do or he wouldn't even have mentioned it.

If nothing else he's one of these brutal honesty guys and they can get exhausting. He should have put your feelings first.

No I would t go, what he has done shows no respect for you

I wouldn’t be angry because he hasn’t done anything wrong but I would definitely be put off!

No. He sounds horrible. Morals of an alley cat. Avoid.

@WalkthisWayUK

I think there was an American dating show where she said ‘no sex without commitment’

And this is a great one for women especially I think. Jaded and stereotyped as it is, I think men give up the chase a bit once you’ve had sex with them.

But I wouldn’t give up on a man becasue he was having sex and telling me. But I certainly wouldn’t add myself to that list. Carry on dating and get to know him. An honest one is quite hard to find!

The issue I have personally with the 'no sex without commitment' is what if the sex is terrible? I always wonder about this. Personally I prefer to have sex relatively early in the dating process so we at least know we're sexually compatible before going any further. No judgement if you do it differently or want to wait, but what do you do if you've spent ages building up an emotional connection, decide that you're ready to make that commitment.... and the sex is just awful?

Yes I'd be terminally put off. On paper he's not wronged you, it's just a bit grim - and telling you is attention-seeking, for what reason? Wouldn't be for me at all.

I couldn't sit and look at him without thinking about it.

Me, neither. And all sorts of questions would be whizzing around my head. Questions that I'd have no right asking.

OP, you're better off bouncing. You deserve better.

As pp said, go with your gut. Any behaviour which makes you uncomfortable is a perfectly good reason to say farewell.

It’s true, he hasn’t broken the law but ime if a bloke is keen on you then he immediately goes into “hunter “ mode and all focus is on you and he is blinkered to other temptations. If he is still out there with other women then you are not the one for him, just a one.