Guy I've been on dates with has slept with someone else..aibu to be put off him?

[rachelsunshine]

I've had 3 dates with a guy and had a good time each time.
Tomorrow we have a date and we have booked for drinks and a meal.

He was out last night on a lads night out.
He has just text telling me he slept with someone last night and he wanted to be honest.
He said he still wants to see me tomorrow and hopes I still want to see him.
Aibu to be put off?
Would you still go ?

@Italiangreyhound

Pretzelcoatl

"I have also been on the receiving end of being told by someone I had a casual interest in that they had slept with someone within the envelope of time we had been casually seeing each other in - no harm no foul on their part, and it let me decide if that changed things for me..."

And had it changed things for you? You don't need to answer that, if you don't want to!

It didn’t, although with the person I was specifically thinking of when I wrote that, we never turned into anything more serious anyway. Just like how some people I’ve casually dated who didn’t inform me they were sleeping with other people didn’t turn into anything more serious.

I prefer frank conversations to the tune of “If we are going to continue to see each other, I would like exclusivity” rather than nebulously assume it.

That said, if someone isn’t okay for any reason with the behaviour of the other person they are in some stage of a relationship with, they are entitled to not continue. What may not be a big deal to some may be a dealbreaker to others. But that will be on a case to case basis, not a broad brushed standard for everybody.

No judgement if you do it differently or want to wait, but what do you do if you've spent ages building up an emotional connection, decide that you're ready to make that commitment.... and the sex is just awful?

3 dates is hardly ages 🙄

@CandyFIosss

No judgement if you do it differently or want to wait, but what do you do if you've spent ages building up an emotional connection, decide that you're ready to make that commitment.... and the sex is just awful?

3 dates is hardly ages 🙄

I didn't mean only three dates and didn't say that but thanks for the eye roll. . It was a genuine question. I do know people who've dated for months before having sex and it's the reason I wouldn't want to wait that long.

He hasn't done any thing wrong as you're not 'official' but I'd take it as a sign he isn't as in to you as you thought? But then men and women work differently- they're more likely able to 'just have sex' where as if I have feelings for someone else- I'd find it really difficult to be sexual with someone else.

I was seeing my fella for about 6 weeks before we became official and I know there was a night he nearly set up to meet someone he used to have sex with every now and then whilst single- I saw the messages on his phone. I asked him about it and he said he was about to meet her and didn't go through with it because he liked me too much. Not long after he asked me to officially be his gf too. ( date wise- not finding the messages wise)
I know he didn't meet this woman because I could see they didn't set up the meet- I could see in the messages he made excuses not to meet her in the end and the date the messages were happening - I looked and me and him text all evening and night that night and I saw him the nights before and after .... would have been near on impossible

BUT even so we had a wobble because I saw this and he did say 'we weren't official and I'm not hiding any thing from you - and he's right.

BUUUUUUUUUT had he slept with her and then told me I don't think I could have carried on seeing him. I just couldn't ... can't even fully explain why.

Had he slept with her and then asked me out and NOT told me. And I found out..... again I'd probably have left.

It all irked me for some time but I had to cut it down to - he didn't do it and I know all the details and have proof he didn't.
Just hurt he even considered it but I felt positive that he reeled it in and realised he liked me BECAUSE of it.
He said ' I was about to set it all up and then I thought of you and that made me stop because I liked you a lot and didn't wana fuck around any more'

Don't know if that helps at all

Me and him were also sleeping together before we because official- I'd have found it icky if he slept with me - her and then me again.

I think he is asking you if you are up for a 'no strings', 'shag other people' relationship , at least at first, so I'd answer with that in mind, depending on what I was looking for.

It is at least honest

If he were more serious about a relationship, he might have slept with another person and then you and then quietly drop whoever he is least compatible with. Nowhere near as honest but quite common I'd say.

Std's

In today's dating rules, you're not exclusive after three dates unless you've discussed it, so he hasn't technically done anything wrong. However, it does mean that after three dates, he isn't thinking of you all the time. If there was potential for something good, you'd be the only woman on his mind right now. Instead, you're just one of many options - and there are easier options out there.

Most importantly, why is he explicitly telling you he's sleeping with other people?

To pressure you into sleeping with him too, so he stops looking elsewhere?

To get you to be the cool girl and say that's fine, so he has your blessing to sleep with even more random one night stands during the period of time in which he's supposed to be getting to know you better?

To make you feel like you'll never be his first choice? Because that's not at all how an unhealthy relationship starts...

To ease his own guilt?

Although I'm all for honesty, I feel like there's no good reason why he's been honest with you three dates in. Everyone dating these days knows there's a chance that the person they're casually seeing is casually seeing other people - actually talking about it seems to have some underhand motives attached.

@rachelsunshine

I felt a bit eugh I feel like to him I'm not special enough to just not have sex with a random. The fact he has told me he likes me ...well he didn't like me last night much did he. After many shit Ex's I'm not settling for shit this time. I'm nobody's second /fifth choice

He's just letting you know this is the type of shit he'll pull. He didn't need to tell you but by doing so he can do it and be like, I'm an honest kinda guy, you knew what I was like, I told you so it's ok, if you don't put out I can get it here... etc etc

Get rid

His sex life is his business..I don't know why he told you- I'd hate that. You need to be clear with yourself about what you find acceptable, and be clear about this with potential partners. Don't ever assume exclusivity.

Nothing wrong with what he's done, I just think it's weird that he told you.

Perhaps it's because it was unprotected and he worrying he's took home more than a hangover.

@Teessider

The red flag for me would be him telling you. If you're just dating and no promises made on either side , then he is free to do as he likes, same as you.

But telling you? Absolutely no need really. It doesn't show 'honesty.' It shows a lack of boundaries and also hints at possibly testing boundaries

^^ This

I don't understand why he told you he had sex, this is so far removed from when I was dating what now seems a hundred years ago when I read stuff like this on here.

In response I think I would have responded with 'Oh, snap' and bin him off tomorrow.

I don’t really get why he told you

Sounds like he has no restraint at all.
Bin.

Unless you have had the 'exclusive chat' he has done nothing wrong.

No way it would put me right off.
He'd think you were a soft touch in my opinion.

I think it's kind of weird he told you. I mean, if you want to "be casual" and sleep with multiple people, then that's your choice and you should convey that to your dates in... some way, I guess, but I don't think texting them to outright tell them is the right way.

Anyway, he clearly doesn't see you as someone to put any real consideration into, it's not like he's thinking you might 'go somewhere', so sack him off.

@SuperstoreFan

Unless you have had the 'exclusive chat' he has done nothing wrong.

So you would be happy to be dating someone who is sleeping with other people?

Not a chance.

Would give me the Ick.

Why did he tell you? Is he trying to very opportunities a discussion about your relationship or suggest sex?

I don't have a problem with a guy I've been on three dates with in the past 3 weeks having sex with someone else. He is free to do so and clearly he thinks it's fine. The telling part in this case is weird.

If I liked him i might go out with him again however, can't blame you for this being a turnoff.

He's told you to see if you are ok with him doing what he wants. Totally bin him. He's gross

If he's not interested enough to keep it in his pants for the period of time it takes to decide whether you're a long term prospect, he's not interested enough.

I had to stop hanging round with an old friend of mine for a while when he was doing this with two separate women. He wasn't interested enough and it didn't last with either his first or second choice.

On so many levels, ewww

I wouldn't be interested in him after that, and since you can stop seeing someone for any reason whatsoever, no matter what anyone else would think of your reasons, why even ask?

To me, it would demonstrate a lack of self-control that I wouldn't like. Also a lack of respect for me. I wouldn't sleep with someone else if I was seriously interested in the person I was dating and wanted to continue dating them. It indicates that he's not that bothered about you, really. At least he's not keeping secrets, but if he's so honest why not have a discussion regarding whether or not you're exclusive before sleeping with someone else? It's gross.

If he can have sex that easily, it would make me think he could cheat just as easily