Page 8 | Guy I've been on dates with has slept with someone else..aibu to be put off him?

rachelsunshine · 2021-05-30T09:25:05+00:00

I've had 3 dates with a guy and had a good time each time. Tomorrow we have a date and we have booked for drinks and a meal. He was out last night on a lads night out. He has just text telling me he slept with someone last night and he wanted to be honest. He said he still wants to see me tomorrow and hopes I still want to see him. Aibu to be put off? Would you still go ?

Cupcakeschocolate · 30/05/2021 12:25

Turn it around and say oh that's ok I had 2 guys last night. Hope that doesn't put you off.... then block and move on.

Or just say thanks but no thanks. You found out early he isn't going to be a one woman man I think

BananasAreEvil · 30/05/2021 12:26

he wants to make you jealous
he wants you to admit to sleeping with someone else too
he wants you to know that he'll be sleeping around even if you formalise your relationship
bin him

Novelusername · 30/05/2021 12:27

Game playing wanker. There could be a few different explanations for this. He could be trying to make you jealous so you'll sleep with him. He could be trying to set up a situation where he can behave however he likes and excuse by saying 'but I've always been honest'. He's devaluing you and inflating himself by letting you know how in demand he is. The best possible explanation would be that he only wants friends with benefits and he's letting you know, which is fair enough, and no, he hasn't done anything wrong in sleeping with anyone else while you're not exclusive yet. He's handled the situation terribly though, so I wouldn't want anything further with him for that reason alone. I wouldn't even reply to that, don't give him a reaction in case that's what he's looking for as narcissistic supply.

AngeloMysterioso · 30/05/2021 12:28

I mean, it’s great for you that he’s told you... now you know early on that he’s the kind of guy who shags randoms he doesn’t even know on a night out. That’s all well and good when you’re in your early 20s (God knows I did my fair share of it back in the day!) but we’re grown-ups now. He either wants to find someone he likes and develop a relationship or he wants to sleep around. You can’t do both at the same time.

AllOptionsAreOnTheTable · 30/05/2021 12:28

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@AllOptionsAreOnTheTable

I don't get this 'it's not exclusive so it's fine' stuff. Do people really have so little self control/such low self esteem that they have to see and maybe sleep with, several people at once?

They have had 3 dates. So you are expecting a life long commitment and a relationship after 3 dates?

And the OP has not slept with him.

It is possible to date more than one person while you are deciding who you like best. Not saying you have to have sex with them, but some responses here read as if from 100 years ago.[/quote]
I didn't mention lifelong commitment or a relationship, dont make stuff up.

ViceLikeBlip · 30/05/2021 12:30

Just be prepared for the onslaught of "but I only told you about her because I respect you so much, and I really do like you, and it was a mistake" etc etc. If you're looking for a proper relationship then just ignore any of that nonsense and move on from this one.

SappysCurry · 30/05/2021 12:30

@Novelusername

You have summed it up perfectly

osbertthesyrianhamster · 30/05/2021 12:32

@ViceLikeBlip

Just be prepared for the onslaught of "but I only told you about her because I respect you so much, and I really do like you, and it was a mistake" etc etc. If you're looking for a proper relationship then just ignore any of that nonsense and move on from this one.

There's a similar thread on just now from a woman dating a man who was similarly 'honest' with her about his background. People wisely pointed out what's behind such a ploy.

AndeanMountainCat · 30/05/2021 12:35

He has shown exceptional courage and great morals to have been so honest with you. Obviously a rare man of integrity.

Tell him his medal is in the post.

And BLOCK.

Iwantcauliflowercheese · 30/05/2021 12:36

Yuk. No. He's waiting for your response to see if you are a pushover or not.

custardbear · 30/05/2021 12:41

God no! I'd tell Him thanks for the honesty but I prefer a man with a better quality of moral fibre, feel free to delete my name from your phone

victoriaspongecake · 30/05/2021 12:42

Was it actually him that texted you though? If he was on a lads night out did one of the “lads” get his phone whilst he was drunk and texted you ??

aiwblam · 30/05/2021 12:43

Absolutely disgusting.

I don’t know how we got to a point in time where this behaviour is acceptable. This “non exclusive” stuff is absolutely foul and our society has become totally immoral. I am only in my forties, and things have fallen so, so far since I last dated. I won’t date again - if my dh dies or we get divorced, I’ll be happier with a dog than a human.

I’d prefer to spend my life alone than with a guy who thinks this kind of thing is decent. 🤮

RunningInRain · 30/05/2021 12:45

@rachelsunshine

I felt a bit eugh I feel like to him I'm not special enough to just not have sex with a random. The fact he has told me he likes me ...well he didn't like me last night much did he. After many shit Ex's I'm not settling for shit this time. I'm nobody's second /fifth choice

Looks like you have answered your own question. Trust your gut

Happycat1212 · 30/05/2021 12:46

Was it actually him that texted you though? If he was on a lads night out did one of the “lads” get his phone whilst he was drunk and texted you ??

😂 sorry but yeh that doesn’t happen. Please don’t give this guy an opportunity to say “sorry that wasn’t me it was a friend” when he realises the op isn’t interested anymore

BertramLacey · 30/05/2021 12:47

Exactly! A lot of people seem to think others need to audition/do the Pick Me dance before they'll deign to suggest a relationship. Fuck that.

I think the idea of exclusivity/ dating multiple people at a time has come over from the US. I can remember watching Ally McBeal and SATC and being befuddled by talk of 'exclusivity' and 'oh we're just dating'. It's also become much more common with internet dating. So long as there are ground rules I do not see the problem.

Have you tried OLD? It really is a numbers game. There's nothing wrong with going for dinner with one person one night and another person the next. You're not committing to someone beyond the basic realms of human politeness and consideration - unfortunately even that escapes some people, but wankers will be wankers. And you have no way of knowing until you're dating someone whether or not you like them enough to continue dating them.

Thelm · 30/05/2021 12:47

@RedcurrantPuff

Maybe I’m old fashioned but if I was seeing someone romantically I wouldn’t really be expecting him to be sticking his cock in random women as well.

I agree. I don’t understand this and wouldn’t be at all comfortable with it.

Get in the sea.

LigPatin · 30/05/2021 12:49

Something about it just doesn't feel quite right.
He's within his rights to sleep with someone else at this stage but it's weird he made a point of telling you.
Which speaks of underlying issues of some kind... Just doesn't feel right.

tentosix · 30/05/2021 12:49

The fact he did it would put me off as there's no reason he wouldn't continue with this behaviour, however the fact he told you and gave you the option to continue points to his honesty, which is a good quality.

It depends on what you value more and whether you are the jealous insecure type.

AlmostSummer21 · 30/05/2021 12:51

@Tuckedinbelly

He's done nothing wrong by shagging someone else. He has however done wrong in telling you. No emotional intelligence. Bin.

See, we're all different.

Your 'no emotional intelligence' is my 'at least he was honest'

I'd rather know, than not.

AlmostSummer21 · 30/05/2021 12:53

@rachelsunshine

I felt a bit eugh I feel like to him I'm not special enough to just not have sex with a random. The fact he has told me he likes me ...well he didn't like me last night much did he. After many shit Ex's I'm not settling for shit this time. I'm nobody's second /fifth choice

That's how I'd feel too.

I'd want him to feel like he didn't want to sleep with some random.

Novelusername · 30/05/2021 12:54

I don't think there's anything wrong with not being exclusive in the beginning so long as there's no love bombing by someone who's just being manipulative whilst shagging around on the sly. I've dated and slept with more than one man at once when it was understood all round that things were casual. If you've been on three dates already and there was no sex, that would imply that you're more interested in a relationship. These are unwritten rules, but it's fairly obvious. He's shown by his actions and telling of them that he's more interested in sex - with anyone - than a relationship with you. Not worth it.

malificent7 · 30/05/2021 12:56

All of the above...after 3 dates i'd want him to be in that slightly giddy stage.. wanting me and noone else. It's not exactly flattering is it?

toocold54 · 30/05/2021 13:01

I’d see that as appalling behaviour.

It’s not appalling behaviour he is single.

I would be a bit miffed and I’d tell him so and I’d say I’m not sure you’re as interested in me as I am of you. But at the end of the day he’s single and he told you. He could have easily done it and kept it to himself and still not been in the wrong.

YellowScallion · 30/05/2021 13:03

I'm not sure why people are talking about "can't expect a lifelong commitment after 3 dates". Nobody is expecting that. The guy only had to keep it in his pants for 3 weeks, hardly a lifelong commitment.