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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Guy I've been on dates with has slept with someone else..aibu to be put off him?

521 replies

rachelsunshine · 30/05/2021 10:25

I've had 3 dates with a guy and had a good time each time.
Tomorrow we have a date and we have booked for drinks and a meal.

He was out last night on a lads night out.
He has just text telling me he slept with someone last night and he wanted to be honest.
He said he still wants to see me tomorrow and hopes I still want to see him.
Aibu to be put off?
Would you still go ?

OP posts:
Bizawit · 30/05/2021 19:07

Absolutely bizarre he would tell you this. YANBU to find it really off putting.

CanofCant · 30/05/2021 19:07

I would have found it more honest and respectful if he had told you upfront on the first or second date that he wasn't looking to date only you and intended to keep sleeping with other people.

DispensingShitAdviceSince2002 · 30/05/2021 19:09

God, I hate this "exclusivity" bollocks.

It's basic decency not to shag around while you're testing out the waters of a relationship with someone else. It shouldn't require a special conversation.

I would be tempted not to reply at all, but that would also be bad manners. So I'd text him something like: "Thanks for letting me know. I won't be seeing you tomorrow, but good luck with finding someone who is equally shitty someone else with whom you are a better match."

Novelusername · 30/05/2021 19:14

@CanofCant

I would have found it more honest and respectful if he had told you upfront on the first or second date that he wasn't looking to date only you and intended to keep sleeping with other people.
Absolutely agree with this. People put on their online dating profiles whether they're looking for something casual or more serious, so you know exactly what's on offer. He could have had a conversation very early along the lines of 'so what kind of thing are you looking for?' THAT would have been upfront and frank, rather than three dates building expectations then getting a message out of the blue saying 'I slept with someone else, but see you tonight, yeah?'
KungFuPandaWorksOut20 · 30/05/2021 19:14

This has been an eye opener.

I remember one on here a few years ago, a woman had found out her partner had slept with someone else when they was in the "dating" stage and she was absolutely furious! He explained they wasn't exclusive and wasn't technically dating, just had a few dates. She viewed it differently and as a massive betrayal.

Other posters agreed that he had betrayed her, he had should have told her and gave her the choice at the start etc.
Now she loves him, is attached and had her world pulled from her and he was the worst bastard in the world.

PurpleRainDancer · 30/05/2021 19:15

@rachelsunshine

Over the last 3 weeks. Seen him every weekend No we haven't slept together.
Lucky escape. Run
MadMadMadamMim · 30/05/2021 19:18

I wouldn't go.

Like you, I'd be put off by the fact that he's seen me for the last three weekends on the trot, made another date with me for tomorrow - and yet still couldn't keep his dick in his pants when he went on a lad's night out last night.

It's just a bit seedy. And clearly he didn't like me enough to think he'd just see where our relationship was heading.

I'd thank him politely for telling me and wish him all the best for the future but tell him I didn't want to see him again, thanks.

LipstickLou · 30/05/2021 19:19

Just not kind and not a gentleman. Don't waste your time.

Pretzelcoatl · 30/05/2021 19:21

No, I don't think it's a bad thing, but if he wants something casual he's handled it really badly. Rather than go on three dates where this wasn't mentioned, and then just sleeping with someone else and telling her about it out of the blue, he could have been upfront from the beginning about what he wanted, so nobody is wasting anyone else's time.

He didn’t say that he wanted something casual with the OP, they simply are casual at this point in time. That doesn’t mean that either of them necessarily want to keep it that way, but they haven’t progressed beyond that stage yet.

I just find it incredibly odd that he has told her after the fact that he's slept with someone, but in the same breathe he still wants to see her tonight.

I would find it incredibly odd if he gave her a blow by blow description of it, if you’ll pardon the wording, but it’s pertinent information for her to have, clearly, since it prompted the creation of this thread.

Unless you mean you find it odd that he’s slept with someone else and is still interested in seeing the OP, in which case, why is it odd? They’re still at the start, where everything is new and interesting, and they’re sussing out where things are going. Seems normal to me.

Oh yes, silly me, men never 'game' women, there aren't whole swathes of the internet dedicated to negging and abusively manipulating women, with men videoing themselves taking part in these tactics and posting them online, I must have imagined all that...

Except there’s been no negging or emotionally abusing of the OP described here. He slept with someone while he and the OP were still at an early casual stage, and he informed her of the fact. I’m not sure how informing her is in any way a bad thing, unless you’re of the sort who finds ignorance (of the facts in this instance) to be bliss?

In which case, you’re welcome to it, but between a choice of being forthcoming or concealing something that may matter to the person, give me forthcoming every time.

WeAllHaveWings · 30/05/2021 19:22

Quick text - thanks for the belated honesty, have a nice life, bye - then block

Fieldsofstars · 30/05/2021 19:23

I’d cancel. If he was that into you he wouldn’t have done what he did last night.

Pretzelcoatl · 30/05/2021 19:23

@KungFuPandaWorksOut20

This has been an eye opener.

I remember one on here a few years ago, a woman had found out her partner had slept with someone else when they was in the "dating" stage and she was absolutely furious! He explained they wasn't exclusive and wasn't technically dating, just had a few dates. She viewed it differently and as a massive betrayal.

Other posters agreed that he had betrayed her, he had should have told her and gave her the choice at the start etc.
Now she loves him, is attached and had her world pulled from her and he was the worst bastard in the world.

This!

This is exactly why you keep all affected parties in the loop!

Thisisworsethananticpated · 30/05/2021 19:23

Ew
Why did he tell you ?
To gloat , mess with head ?
I’ll bet so

SunnydaleClassProtector99 · 30/05/2021 19:24

But does Carrie know?

KarmaNoMore · 30/05/2021 19:28

It doesn’t matter how single and free he still could be after 4 dates, if you are also playing the field is not a big deal but if you are looking for something more than shagging someone with no commitment, this guy is not the right person for you.

You are entitled to feel icky and bin him, at the of the day, it is you not us who is dating him. If he doesn’t work for you, it doesn’t work for you. Simples.

InFiveMins · 30/05/2021 19:41

I wouldn't be interested in him any longer. He's been honest for telling you I suppose - but he's not that into you if he can sleep with someone else, sorry. We all know when we like someone they are the only person we are interested in and sex with anyone else isn't appealing. Sorry OP - move on and find someone better.

Standrewsschool · 30/05/2021 19:46

@Aprilx

No I wouldn’t go. I am in my fifties and find it odd to be seeing more than one person at a time never mind sleeping with them, this wasn’t how it used to be done. The strangest thing though is that he told you, his motives for that have me curious and a bit suspicious.
Was about to say the same (similar age).

In the good old days, when you start seeing someone, from the first date, you’re off the market, so technically, I would consider that he has been cheating.

He wouldn’t be getting another date.

Novelusername · 30/05/2021 19:49

Pretzelcoatl Even if he is as pure as the white driven snow, butter wouldn't melt in his mouth in his intentions for telling her, if he is interested in her but not committed yet, he's still handled this really badly, tactlessly and insensitively.
Except there’s been no negging or emotionally abusing of the OP described here.
Well, neither of us know that for sure, do we, and given the mass abuse of women by men who use tactics found on aforementioned 'manosphere' websites, it would be prudent to consider what his motivations are from a number of different angles.

mobear · 30/05/2021 20:03

No, you aren't that invested at this stage - avoid getting more so before he does it again.

YellowPurple · 30/05/2021 20:05

You arent committed but to have a drunken shag ‘just because’

Nah, Not for me !

Move on!

Pretzelcoatl · 30/05/2021 20:10

@Novelusername

Pretzelcoatl Even if he is as pure as the white driven snow, butter wouldn't melt in his mouth in his intentions for telling her, if he is interested in her but not committed yet, he's still handled this really badly, tactlessly and insensitively. Except there’s been no negging or emotionally abusing of the OP described here. Well, neither of us know that for sure, do we, and given the mass abuse of women by men who use tactics found on aforementioned 'manosphere' websites, it would be prudent to consider what his motivations are from a number of different angles.
What we know is the information the OP has provided us. And “the mass abuse of women by men who use tactics found in aforementioned ‘manosphere websites’ isn’t a given.

To clarify, it’s the mass abuse part that isn’t a given, and it certainly doesn’t seem indicated in this particular case based on the information the OP has provided thus far.

The guy told the OP he’d slept with someone. That’s it. If you are going to read nefarious motives into just that, then how can you progress?

If you flipped the OP’s story so that it was a man getting told this by a woman, would your default position be that ‘women love men to fight over them, because they’re all heartless snakes with tits, who only want to trap a man to take his assets’? Because you can find accounts of all of that online, and anecdotally, as well.

Judge people as individuals, not as members of a group they didn’t have a choice in joining, please.

Blankscreen · 30/05/2021 20:12

I think his behaviour has upset and for that after 3 dates, he's not worth it

motogogo · 30/05/2021 20:14

Er no, unless you want a friend with benefits type relationship

duodunical · 30/05/2021 20:16

'When someone shows you who they are, believe them'. That well worn saying really applies here OP, he's actually told you who he is.

motogogo · 30/05/2021 20:16

@RampantIvy

Me too, I never dreamed of arranging dates with multiple people. I deleted the dating apps the day I met dp in person

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