Guy I've been on dates with has slept with someone else..aibu to be put off him?

[rachelsunshine]

I've had 3 dates with a guy and had a good time each time.
Tomorrow we have a date and we have booked for drinks and a meal.

He was out last night on a lads night out.
He has just text telling me he slept with someone last night and he wanted to be honest.
He said he still wants to see me tomorrow and hopes I still want to see him.
Aibu to be put off?
Would you still go ?

Definitely man hating when someone giving information that you’d want to know (if it exists) is now considered to be diabolically grooming you, poor easily-led woman that you are. 🙄

I'm sure your point is very valid but it seems to me that being easily-led would be believing that a man would be honest about this after two dates for reasons other than self-serving ones. But then I guess that's what the society we live in has taught women to expect. Bit yucky isn't it. At least the OP can see through it, which is the main thing.

No, I wouldn't bother seeing him.

Would put me off op .
Block and move on

I wouldn’t bother seeing him again. I have multi dated before but only 1st or 2nd date (keeping options open), I wouldn’t sleep with someone the day before I was seeing someone else and I would no way discus other partners with the person I was going on a date with, why would he do that? He doesn’t sound very bright and sounds like he can’t keep his dick in his trousers.

@IAmFleshIAmBone

Definitely man hating when someone giving information that you’d want to know (if it exists) is now considered to be diabolically grooming you, poor easily-led woman that you are. 🙄

I'm sure your point is very valid but it seems to me that being easily-led would be believing that a man would be honest about this after two dates for reasons other than self-serving ones. But then I guess that's what the society we live in has taught women to expect. Bit yucky isn't it. At least the OP can see through it, which is the main thing.

*Pretzelcoatl At the risk of having an unpopular opinion, when I’ve been the guy in the casual relationship(s), I also made sure that everybody I was involved with knew precisely so that they could make informed decisions for themselves. It wasn’t a test to see what I could get away with, nor was it a harbinger of unsavoury behaviour to come - it was consideration towards people that there was no commitment (yet) with whom I thought had a right to maximum pertinent information.

I have also been on the receiving end of being told by someone I had a casual interest in that they had slept with someone within the envelope of time we had been casually seeing each other in - no harm no foul on their part, and it let me decide if that changed things for me and also double-and-triple check protection.*

As opposed to keeping information which is pertinent to your own ability to make the best decisions for yourself, because I would also want that?

Easily-led are the people who would prefer to remain ignorant of actual facts and make suboptimal decisions for themselves.

And to call a man giving a woman that information grooming is, in fact, man hating 101.

And to call a man giving a woman that information grooming is, in fact, man hating 101.
No, it's called having experience of men. There could be a number of reasons for him telling her, of course, and one of those could be wanting to be upfront and honest about being a casual shagger - though really, he could have done that earlier if he just wanted casual sex, lots of people do this on dating apps, after all. Strange that you think he deserves some sort of honour for admitting to putting his dick in someone else though, talk about low standards.

Yeah it would be a no from me, i knew after date 1 if i wanted to invest time into someone, after 3 week's i knew with my partner i wanted it to see where it would progress to. In no way was i thinking of sleeping with anyone else. And of he had i would have binned him off

Definitely not, he's a dog !

Not for me. The 'I'm being honest by telling you'. No thanks.

Up to you though.

*As opposed to keeping information which is pertinent to your own ability to make the best decisions for yourself, because I would also want that?

Easily-led are the people who would prefer to remain ignorant of actual facts and make suboptimal decisions for themselves.

And to call a man giving a woman that information grooming is, in fact, man hating 101.*

Easily-led people are easily persuaded, malleable, and trusting. Like the people who would believe that the man mentioned in the OP has good intentions... (of course it's possible that he's just really stupid, but either way he's not a good prospect.)

Oh, is it, in fact, man-hating 101? Did you ever consider that many women on here have had similar experiences as the OP and learned from them? Calling out toxic male behaviour isn't man-hating.

I would say it means he doesn't like you enough to not want to go somewhere else. But that might not be true, it's just my interpretation

Talk about low standards

Quite! As a PP said, tell him his medal's in the post and go and find someone who can keep it in his pants longer than three weeks.

@Novelusername

And to call a man giving a woman that information grooming is, in fact, man hating 101. No, it's called having experience of men. There could be a number of reasons for him telling her, of course, and one of those could be wanting to be upfront and honest about being a casual shagger - though really, he could have done that earlier if he just wanted casual sex, lots of people do this on dating apps, after all. Strange that you think he deserves some sort of honour for admitting to putting his dick in someone else though, talk about low standards.

You say “casual shagger” as though sleeping with someone while not in a relationship is a bad thing.

There’s no indication that he just wanted casual sex from the OP either, as she didn’t indicate any discussion of sex between them other than they hadn’t yet.

And nowhere did I indicate that I thought he “deserves some sort of honour” for telling her - I think that given he slept with someone it’s better that he informed her of that rather than keeping it to herself. If it’s something that doesn’t matter to her, fine. But if it is something that matters to her, better she knows than she doesn’t.

As for “having experience of men”, I’m sorry that it’s led you to have such a dim view of open frankness from one of them to a woman he’s casually seen three times.

@IAmFleshIAmBone

*As opposed to keeping information which is pertinent to your own ability to make the best decisions for yourself, because I would also want that?

Easily-led are the people who would prefer to remain ignorant of actual facts and make suboptimal decisions for themselves.

And to call a man giving a woman that information grooming is, in fact, man hating 101.*

Easily-led people are easily persuaded, malleable, and trusting. Like the people who would believe that the man mentioned in the OP has good intentions... (of course it's possible that he's just really stupid, but either way he's not a good prospect.)

Oh, is it, in fact, man-hating 101? Did you ever consider that many women on here have had similar experiences as the OP and learned from them? Calling out toxic male behaviour isn't man-hating.

What specifically is the toxic behaviour? That he slept with someone else, or that he told her?

Way too thirsty for my liking. Bin.

Nah.

After 3 dates he sould be gagging for you. Literally, you should be the only female he's sexually attracted to.
The fact he can shag a random on a night out and the TELL you, does not win him any rewards or even date number 4.
You can do better OP, and you know it 😜

It's not the fact he slept with someone else, it's the fact he told you, just seems a bit weird, pervy somehow.

www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/books/greg-behrendt/he-s-just-not-that-into-you/9780007431854?gclid=Cj0KCQjw78yFBhCZARIsAOxgSx3TrKyIxxKM6xl2Ym43nb_Ei00XyicH1GYwRBOjYl-KmKrejRUJgVYaAjeQEALw_wcB#GOR004436471?keyword=

But this. Read it. Take the advice with a pinch of salt but take it onboard.
I met my husband after reading this. It wasn't a coincidence. Once you realise you deserve what you put in back sorting the grain from the chaff is easy.

He's just not that into you op. You deserve better.

So bizarre that he hold you

I would just not bother even replying

Err noo get rid

@MeadowLines

I agree with *@Aprilx* and Im mid thirties. As far as I'm concerned if youre going on dates with someone then youre dating that person and find this whole thing of having to secure exclusivity ridiculous! Also the fact that he had a one night stand with a random person would put me off him totally!

I agree with you all too. This Americanised establishing exclusivity/officialness nonsense is grim and perplexing to me and my friends too and we are all in our 20s and 30s. If you’re going on multiple dates with someone and getting more intimate emotionally and socially then you’re dating them. When did this “exclusivity conversation” nonsense become a thing?!

He’s done a massive favour by being honest with you in that it’s stopped you making a gigantic mistake. I’d put him straight in the bin too. Absolutely no way do I want to be dating someone who’s sleeping with other people.

He sounds like a prince among men

Yuk.

Dump without a second thought. When I met DH, he was only interested in me, which is the way it should be. Don’t settle for poor quality men.

You say “casual shagger” as though sleeping with someone while not in a relationship is a bad thing.
No, I don't think it's a bad thing, but if he wants something casual he's handled it really badly. Rather than go on three dates where this wasn't mentioned, and then just sleeping with someone else and telling her about it out of the blue, he could have been upfront from the beginning about what he wanted, so nobody is wasting anyone else's time.
I think that given he slept with someone it’s better that he informed her of that rather than keeping it to herself. If it’s something that doesn’t matter to her, fine. But if it is something that matters to her, better she knows than she doesn’t.
I just find it incredibly odd that he has told her after the fact that he's slept with someone, but in the same breathe he still wants to see her tonight. You're right in that now she can decide if she wants this kind of man or not, but any kind of relationship, casual or serious, would involve discussion rather than a 'take it or leave it' type confession.
As for “having experience of men”, I’m sorry that it’s led you to have such a dim view of open frankness from one of them to a woman he’s casually seen three times.
Oh yes, silly me, men never 'game' women, there aren't whole swathes of the internet dedicated to negging and abusively manipulating women, with men videoing themselves taking part in these tactics and posting them online, I must have imagined all that...

@pringleslover

I would just not bother even replying

most sensible advice on this thread.