Guy I've been on dates with has slept with someone else..aibu to be put off him?

[rachelsunshine]

I've had 3 dates with a guy and had a good time each time.
Tomorrow we have a date and we have booked for drinks and a meal.

He was out last night on a lads night out.
He has just text telling me he slept with someone last night and he wanted to be honest.
He said he still wants to see me tomorrow and hopes I still want to see him.
Aibu to be put off?
Would you still go ?

You’re entitled to feel that this is not for you, and as that seems to be the case, I’d say a cheery byebye to him, and no hard feelings.
Like a pp, I’m wondering what his motives were in telling you. Either he messed up, wants to be honest, and actively wants a relationship with you, in which case you’d both need to agree to be exclusive m if that’s important to you. Or, he’s telling you because he wants to get rid of you, and this is the easiest way?
After 3 dates. I’d have just said, thanks but no thanks. The best response perhaps would have been a smouldering, ‘’So did I!’

Good luck, whatever you decide.

Tbh I'd be more put off by the fact that he chose to inform you of his ONS than the ONS itself. If he hadn't slept with you yet it's technically not cheating (I'd say....?) but it feels like he is testing out how much you will put up with before he has even bothered to work out whether you two are sexually compatible. It reeks of power games.

YANBU

The sleeping with someone else is fine if you're not exclusive - but very weird and possibly manipulative behaviour to tell you about it. That in itself would be enough for me to end it. Feels similar to negging.

I too think it's the telling you that's weird - he's obviously playing some kind of game there to see how you'll react. As you hadn't agreed to be exclusive, he really should have just kept his mouth shut! Discretion is the better part of valour after all. However now he has told you, you really have no other option but to not see him again - unless you want to look like you have zero self respect. "Yes that's fine you shagged Jane since our last date 6 days ago - now what do you want to drink?"

God no. Yuk.

I don’t mean this in a conceited way, but everyone I have ever dated has been all about me and wouldn’t do this. They would be excited about sleeping with me frankly - This is the point in your “relationship” where you both should be excited about that and constantly thinking about each other

Like he couldn’t wait 24 hours to have sex with you instead?

We have no way of gaining access to his thoughts or knowing for sure why he did this or said this, especially without knowing him.

It's entirely possible that there is no hidden agenda and he just thought it was fair to tell you.

That said, what went through my mind was that his intent might also be to let you know not to take your connection with him too seriously, that he sees it as and casual only and wants it to remain that way.

How do you feel about it? You are always free to stop seeing someone for any reason but you might also be throwing away something good based on an incorrect interpretation.

If you like him, I'd probably keep this in mind but continue on with him for a while and see what else develops.

Maybe its just me but I couldn't develop a relationship with someone knowing they'd been playing the field at the start.

How do you move forward thinking 'oh he was sleeping with other women at the start but that's fine, he liked me best'

Nah not for me

Once I was fully in single mode.

I did something similar.

Got a bit drunk, inhibitions out the window.

I told the person I was seeing as I genuinely liked them so much I couldnt lie even though we had only seen each other a few times and really I wasn´t obligated to tell him. No commitment etc.

He didn´t NEED to tell you. He´s telling you because he has feelings for you.

Otherwise he´d just happily sweep it under the rug and see you like nothing had happened.

Anyone can withhold the truth, especially when there are no commitments and he has no obligation to tell you stuff like this.

It takes someone who really likes you to own up to it, in order to get a fresh slate so you can proceed, in my opinion.

Should add, I don´t do things like that often and it´s no reflection of me as a person. But I was just used to being single, had only been on a fe dates with this guy I really liked, and as we all know, mistakes happen when we are drunk.

If I was a disrespectful idiot or not serious about the guy, I´d have said nothing.

But I wasn´t and I was so I did.

I would find it really odd that he told me. How on earth are you supposed to respond to that? It would put me off of him.

While I agree with a lot of posts why the horror that he has told her? He has been honest. Better than finding out later when she has slept with him or developed feelings.

There was no need for him to tell you, he did it for a reason. Whether it was to pressure you, put you down, manipulation, make you jealous, or in his own subconscious way tell you what to expect from him, it was unnecessary and stupid. And you now have the ick, and I'm not surprised.

Geez, there are a lot of man haters on here.

I would say 'not today thanks' but see if he is still pursuing you in a few weeks. If you like him I wouldn't write him off because of it. He didnt' have to tell you.

yeah nah, you’re not being unreasonable to be put off. plenty more people out there!

Certainly not a man hater here.

He told the OP and it has given her the Ick.

Understandably IMO.

I can't imagine how he expected her to react really.

After 3 nice dates I think it unlikely a person would be delighted and flattered.

I would think, he's not really interested, I will leave him off.

No drama but no longer interested either.

But odd that he told you. I’d give him a massive swerve.

It is good that he was 'honest' and told you he is seeking a casual arrangement with you, where he can have sex with anyone else too. He told you to groom you into a dating arrangement where that is ok. It reminds you that you are aiming for a monogamous relationship with a man solely interested in you sexually, and who is protective of your feelings too. He has shown you who he is. Not too much of a disaster after a few dates. Be thankful for the notice he has given you and refuse to see him again.

Man-haters or women who can see right through men's bullshit and aren't willing to settle for it?

Unacceptable imo

Just because somebody is honest with you doesn't mean it's OK! You could say, I've murdered somebody and I'm being honest with you but that's not OK! Would you like somebody's penis inside you that's been inside somebody else a few days earlier?!

Honestly? I'd be fairly put off someone who goes out and shags a stranger. It's not something I'd do and therefore probably speaks of sexual incompatibility, or certainly social incompatibility.

@IAmFleshIAmBone

Man-haters or women who can see right through men's bullshit and aren't willing to settle for it?

Yep. man hater for not fancying a date with a bloke who had his cock in someone else 48 hours ago - seriously!!

If anyone male or female is comfortable with that sort of situation then its their call but nah not for me thanks

Definitely man hating when someone giving information that you’d want to know (if it exists) is now considered to be diabolically grooming you, poor easily-led woman that you are. 🙄

@Bluntness100

Play it back to him op. See how he reacts. Say oh I’m glad you told me. Me too, I slept with someone I met. But we aren’t exclusive so feel it’s ok.

Guarantee he bins you off.

this would be an interesting strategy... I think he's trying to make out he's so hot that he'll be gone if you dont snap him up soon?