Guy I've been on dates with has slept with someone else..aibu to be put off him?

[rachelsunshine]

I've had 3 dates with a guy and had a good time each time.
Tomorrow we have a date and we have booked for drinks and a meal.

He was out last night on a lads night out.
He has just text telling me he slept with someone last night and he wanted to be honest.
He said he still wants to see me tomorrow and hopes I still want to see him.
Aibu to be put off?
Would you still go ?

Which is better he lied then you discovered it, or he was actually truthful ?

Im guided by my feelings about people.
If youre ok with it or not ok with it then thats what counts.
I think its good he told you. If it was me, id ask him what the deal was in his opinion.
Im not interested in a guy that wants to keep me on my toes or is always looking over his shoulder, but on the other hand if its just casual dating, i might see it as just less serious relationship and id keep my options open and keep dating others too

I would also say "thanks for being honest and upfront. I think I'll give today a miss. I hope you have move evening" THEN maybe if he wants to see you again he will have to work hard for it. There is something to be said for an honest person though so I wouldn't completely write him off

@Hawkins001

Which is better he lied then you discovered it, or he was actually truthful ?

Does it matter which is better if they're both shit options that she doesn't want?

So you would be happy to be dating someone who is sleeping with other people?

I have done this and it didn't bother me. Personally I wouldn't sleep with someone who was sleeping with someone else - apart from anything else I'd be worried about STDs. But if I'm going on a date with someone who is using OLD then I assume there's a good chance they're dating other people. I don't want the details of what they're up to, but I would want to know if they dating or not, just so I knew where I stood.

but the current norm is that until there’s commitment there is a free for all
It was always thus. I was a student in the seventies and definitely had a free for all! But never cheated on anyone because I did not form exclusive relationships with anyone. I openly played the field.

Please bin him, he’s testing you .

Absolutely not (and I would consider it a lucky escape).

@rachelsunshine

I felt a bit eugh I feel like to him I'm not special enough to just not have sex with a random. The fact he has told me he likes me ...well he didn't like me last night much did he. After many shit Ex's I'm not settling for shit this time. I'm nobody's second /fifth choice

Exactly, you said it girl

What a disappointing twat. Tell him to get stuffed!

And don't let him persuade you otherwise ...

"When somebody shows you who they are, believe them the first time" Maya Angelou

x

Not everyone wants to be in a committed relationship. As long as they are honest there isn't a problem.

He doesn't owe you monogamy at this point, but that is so strange he would tell you that he had sex with someone.
I have to go with - He is testing your boundaries. He wants to see your reaction.

I thought our dates had gone well and he couldn't even be arsed to wait a week or two to have sex with me.
I don't expect a life long commitment but I can't be dealing with that.
It makes me think he has a wandering eye tbh

Single guy has sex shocker!

Clearly the guy can get casual sex when he wants. So I wonder if him telling you means he's thinking he would like things to become more serious with you. If you like him then now is the time to discuss expectations and boundaries.

He's disappointed you and made you feel yuck. That's enough to be done with him.
Maybe he wants you to dump him and he'll be all like- but we weren't exclusive. He's a dick.

I really dislike the new normal of relationships being open until you have a conversation to make it exclusive. The assumption always used to be not to cheat on your new partner, whether they reminded you not to or not.

@Ytrigging

I really dislike the new normal of relationships being open until you have a conversation to make it exclusive. The assumption always used to be not to cheat on your new partner, whether they reminded you not to or not.

Except that three dates spread across three weeks doesn’t make anyone a partner, nor does it make them exclusive by default any more than than going to a pottery class with a friend three times means they have to go to pottery class exclusively with you.

Open conversation about expectations and preferences beats “I just assumed everybody thought the way I do” every time.

I wouldn't see him again, just not a great start to any relationship.

It’s fine to be put off and it’s fine to listen to your instincts. Technically he hasn’t done anything wrong, but in reality a lot of women would be put off and that’s fine. You don’t owe him anything any more than he apparently doesn’t owe you anything.

@Ytrigging

I really dislike the new normal of relationships being open until you have a conversation to make it exclusive. The assumption always used to be not to cheat on your new partner, whether they reminded you not to or not.

Absolutely agree. If I'm having dates with someone and I still want to sleep with other people then I wouldn't continue to date that person.

if that makes me old fashioned then guilty as charged - I think dating more than one person at a time is a bit grubby but that's just me

@rachelsunshine

I thought our dates had gone well and he couldn't even be arsed to wait a week or two to have sex with me. I don't expect a life long commitment but I can't be dealing with that. It makes me think he has a wandering eye tbh

Good for you. This US-imported dea of "exclusivity" having to be discussed is nonsense and a cultural anathema to the UK in terms of expecting basic decency and manners. I'm glad that you can see that you deserve better than this, OP.

No, I wouldn’t. That just shows she’s not that into you.

@Ytrigging

I really dislike the new normal of relationships being open until you have a conversation to make it exclusive. The assumption always used to be not to cheat on your new partner, whether they reminded you not to or not.

Totally agree. If someone has the urge to be having sex with other people then there isn't enough of an initial connection to continue dating them. It's so disrespectful that it's obvious any potential spark would vanish as a result and kill off anything that might have developed.

I wouldn't expect exclusivity after three dates and no discussion whatsoever. And he's honest, which means you can be, as well. Have your date, enjoy the company, and set some ground rules. If he respects them, fine. If he doesn't like them, move on. If he says he respects them, the breaks them, kick him in the balls and move on.

@Ytrigging

I really dislike the new normal of relationships being open until you have a conversation to make it exclusive. The assumption always used to be not to cheat on your new partner, whether they reminded you not to or not.

I kinda dislike the new normal of three dates constituting a "relationship." Three dates is still figuring out if you even like a person.

@OldWomanSaysThis

He doesn't owe you monogamy at this point, but that is so strange he would tell you that he had sex with someone. I have to go with - He is testing your boundaries. He wants to see your reaction.

It's not expecting monogamy - which refers to long-term relationships - to expect someone who supposedly is interested in a relationship potentially developing with someone to keep it in their pants for a few weeks while they see whether that happens or not. 🙄🤣 If that's an unreasonable expectation then any possible relationship is highly unlikely to have a happy ending.