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Original poster

Is it OK for FIL to say this to me ?

130 replies

pregnantandsensitive · 30/05/2021 00:04

I'm pregnant, so bear with me. I really don't know if I'm being sensitive or not. Happy to be told I'm being unreasonable...

So we were having a family dinner and somehow the topic of boarding schools came up. ( I went from 12/13 until the end of school and loved it). My in laws know this and I know they think it's a bit weird. My husband made some kind of throw away comment that maybe we should send our baby to boarding school one day. To which my FIL piped up saying : ' oh you're definitely NOT going to do that, boarding school isn't good. Children need to be with their parents'. I then said straight to his face ' there's nothing wrong with boarding school and we get to decide what we do with our child '.

My SIL later cornered me about it again and asked ' so would you ever send your child to boarding a school ? '. I said, maybe from sixth form.. and she jumps straight on me and says ' oh right, didn't you go earlier than that ? Do you think you went too young ? Do you think it was a mistake ? '

I thought it was all pretty mean. It's also not yeh first time my SIL uses that kind of questioning. It's like she's always trying to catch me out. ' oh last week you said you liked grey windows, but now you're saying you prefer white ones ? '

Anyway, thoughts ?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 30/05/2021 00:05

They sound a bit odd

Lollypop4 · 30/05/2021 00:08

Your FIL was out of order, glad you put him straight.

I don't think your sil was too bad, maybe she did just want to hear about your experience?

fallfallfall · 30/05/2021 00:09

sounds like a reasonable follow up to your dh's throw away comment.

Halo1234 · 30/05/2021 00:10

Don't dwell on it. You like what you know I think. Boarding school is normal to you and therefore fine. Its more unusual to them. Ultimately you have nothing to prove. Sleep well knowing its not their decision. A little rude but not worth an drama. They just don't know boarding and its benefits they way u do. They only know their family culture. Its not personal

Enough4me · 30/05/2021 00:10

Sounds like gameplaying from them. I wouldn't get drawn into subjects that they find amusing to push you on.

WorraLiberty · 30/05/2021 00:12

Did he really say oh you're definitely NOT going to do that?

You don't really get to 'send' kids anywhere at 6th form as the choice would be theirs.

Not sure your SIL's questions were anything out of the ordinary really, especially considering your husband brought the subject up, but I guess you were there to witness her 'tone'.

A bit odd that your husband should be talking about sending his unborn baby to boarding school though. I mean there's plenty of time to think about that in the distant future.

Original poster
pregnantandsensitive · 30/05/2021 00:12

It's tricky isn't it. I would never pipe up and say I don't think it's good for a 30 year old to still live at home and never have moved out. But I don't, because it's personal. You try and steer away from those things I guess. But they don't sometimes.

OP posts:
SpinachAndMushroom · 30/05/2021 00:13

I think it’s a bit silly that everyone got worked up about some far flung future possibly for a child that’s not even born yet!

firsttimeoptimist · 30/05/2021 00:14

I think you are a little sensitive. Schools are just something you discuss in families and people have opinions on. Some people had good experiences of Boarding schools and some have terrible - the stories you are told can also colour your experience. Ultimately you and DH will decide but i hope after listening to all opinions and thinking what best suits your child!

Original poster
pregnantandsensitive · 30/05/2021 00:14

@WorraLiberty

Did he really say oh you're definitely NOT going to do that?

You don't really get to 'send' kids anywhere at 6th form as the choice would be theirs.

Not sure your SIL's questions were anything out of the ordinary really, especially considering your husband brought the subject up, but I guess you were there to witness her 'tone'.

A bit odd that your husband should be talking about sending his unborn baby to boarding school though. I mean there's plenty of time to think about that in the distant future.

He mentioned it in a jokey way, it was really an irrelevant tiny comment. He didn't even make it to the whole table, it was kind of between us.
OP posts:
firsttimeoptimist · 30/05/2021 00:16

N.b. i boarded and had a horrible time, so did my father. My sibling LOVED it!

WorraLiberty · 30/05/2021 00:17

And looking back again at your SIL's questions, lots of people do resent being sent to boarding school as young children.

Equally lots don't, so I don't think the questions were rude or anything.

If it's a sensitive subject for you, you'd be better off asking your husband not to mention it to people.

Original poster
pregnantandsensitive · 30/05/2021 00:17

FWIW, I'm not against it for my child. But can't even really contemplate it yet. On balance, I would probably rather have child close to us.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 30/05/2021 00:19

He mentioned it in a jokey way, it was really an irrelevant tiny comment. He didn't even make it to the whole table, it was kind of between us.

In a 'jokey' way how?

I think the answer to that is important. Did he say it in a jokey 'Let's pack him/her off to boarding school if they're too much trouble', kind of way?

WorraLiberty · 30/05/2021 00:20

@pregnantandsensitive

FWIW, I'm not against it for my child. But can't even really contemplate it yet. On balance, I would probably rather have child close to us.
So what's the problem?

It sounds as though your FIL and SIL feel the same way?

Ostara212 · 30/05/2021 00:34

OP "It's also not yeh first time my SIL uses that kind of questioning. It's like she's always trying to catch me out. ' oh last week you said you liked grey windows, but now you're saying you prefer white ones ? ' "

Sounds like a troublemaker. Are these family gatherings a bit grim generally?

xprincessxjanetx · 30/05/2021 00:41

I think it's a bit peculiar tbh especially that they think they have the right to tell you what you should do with your child. Perhaps SIL was genuinely interested but I wouldn't be at all surprised to find out that FIL put her up to asking questions.

Original poster
pregnantandsensitive · 30/05/2021 00:53

@WorraLiberty

He mentioned it in a jokey way, it was really an irrelevant tiny comment. He didn't even make it to the whole table, it was kind of between us.

In a 'jokey' way how?

I think the answer to that is important. Did he say it in a jokey 'Let's pack him/her off to boarding school if they're too much trouble', kind of way?

No it wasn't really like that either. We were talking about the possibility of child being a gifted dancer, in reference to another joke. Then he joked about special boarding schools for dancers / actors. The joke was on us for being so untalented and it therefore being unlikely our child would be talented. Something along those lines.
OP posts:
Original poster
pregnantandsensitive · 30/05/2021 00:54

@xprincessxjanetx

I think it's a bit peculiar tbh especially that they think they have the right to tell you what you should do with your child. Perhaps SIL was genuinely interested but I wouldn't be at all surprised to find out that FIL put her up to asking questions.
Nah he definitely wouldn't put her up to it. They just think the same about everything. ( she doesn't really have opinions of her own that are different to the parents ). She probably just asked what he was thinking. Because as I said, they think the same.
OP posts:
Original poster
pregnantandsensitive · 30/05/2021 00:56

@Ostara212

OP "It's also not yeh first time my SIL uses that kind of questioning. It's like she's always trying to catch me out. ' oh last week you said you liked grey windows, but now you're saying you prefer white ones ? ' "

Sounds like a troublemaker. Are these family gatherings a bit grim generally?

Up and down. Generally, I try to look past these things and I try not to do it back to her. But it's annoying at times. I feel on guard a lot and think 10 times before sharing anything. It always seems to get used as ammunition.
OP posts:
WalkthisWayUK · 30/05/2021 01:00

Honestly I think it’s not the end of the world he said that. Crikey he was being honest about what he thought and if that’s the first time you’ve heard someone so stridently disagree then you’ve been lucky!

Of course if someone is going to be so bossy, you just then tell them straight too to butt out.

However if he isn’t usually like this, then he probably had a horrible time or heard of people having bad times in boarding, and it is quite a huge decision. Challenge isn’t the worst thing the world.

Ostara212 · 30/05/2021 01:10

OP "Generally, I try to look past these things and I try not to do it back to her"

No, I'd not do it back. But I have said to someone who does similar "I don't know what I said last week, it was too dull a conversation to remember".

Gothichouse40 · 30/05/2021 01:22

The baby isn't even born yet. I don't understand why you are talking about schools at the moment anyway.

ConfusedAdultFemale · 30/05/2021 01:30

I get it, they’re probably panicking a bit at the thought of a child being shipped away from their family. I understand you had a different experience of it but to the majority sending your child to live away from you is unpalatable

everythingbackbutyou · 30/05/2021 01:35

My ex in laws fucked me right off with their holier than thou attitude and misogyny. Consequently, I would have happily told ex MIL that I was returning to work the day after my baby was born just to be spiteful. You have my sympathies.