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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it OK for FIL to say this to me ?

130 replies

pregnantandsensitive · 30/05/2021 00:04

I'm pregnant, so bear with me. I really don't know if I'm being sensitive or not. Happy to be told I'm being unreasonable...

So we were having a family dinner and somehow the topic of boarding schools came up. ( I went from 12/13 until the end of school and loved it). My in laws know this and I know they think it's a bit weird. My husband made some kind of throw away comment that maybe we should send our baby to boarding school one day. To which my FIL piped up saying : ' oh you're definitely NOT going to do that, boarding school isn't good. Children need to be with their parents'. I then said straight to his face ' there's nothing wrong with boarding school and we get to decide what we do with our child '.

My SIL later cornered me about it again and asked ' so would you ever send your child to boarding a school ? '. I said, maybe from sixth form.. and she jumps straight on me and says ' oh right, didn't you go earlier than that ? Do you think you went too young ? Do you think it was a mistake ? '

I thought it was all pretty mean. It's also not yeh first time my SIL uses that kind of questioning. It's like she's always trying to catch me out. ' oh last week you said you liked grey windows, but now you're saying you prefer white ones ? '

Anyway, thoughts ?

OP posts:

saraclara · 30/05/2021 09:31

...enjoy the opportunity to take you down over this. Honestly, just ignore them.

Take her down? It was their SON they were responding to. It was an instant response to something HE said, that FIL had a visceral reaction to.

JennieLee · 30/05/2021 09:35

I think that conversations can be quite useful.

A younger relative who is about to start teaching at an independent day school - some miles away from where they live -that has provision from nursery age to 18 - was talking about whether eventually to send their 1 year old there.

We talked about the facilities offered by the independent school. We also talked about the pros and cons of local schools, and the advantages of having friends who live nearby - as well as some of the difficulties in local schools and the possibilities that changes in the area might result in positive improvements.

Everyone agreed that it wasn't something that could or should be decided in advance - there would be a lot of waiting and seeing.

It was the kind of friendly discussion that can take place in families. We had a variety of opinions and experiences. We respected what other people had to say. We recognised that different things suited different children.

lljkk · 30/05/2021 09:44

I only read OP's posts.
My thoughts are that...

The ILs rather dislike kids being sent to boarding schools.
It's good that OP knows the depth of their feeling on this topic.

The ILs expressed opinions about principles not about individuals.
It should be possible to express those opinions without falling out.

The context is important that OP was a child -- her at boarding school was her parents decision; OP doesn't have to defend it. Actually, no one had to defend it. Not OP's job to change their minds about the principle.

People can agree without disagreeing.

OP said:
I would never say I think it's not OK for 30 year olds to still live at home with their parents and have no opinions of their own. Or other things that apply to them.

That sounds more insensitive than what FIL & SIL said because they are decisions being made now by the people in the same room. Those are still opinions people could just shrug off, but is different than opinions about decisions made by people not there to hear the decision, made 20 yrs ago.

somersault · 30/05/2021 09:45

The thoughts expressed are roughly in keeping with my own, in terms about concerns about boarding schools in formative years, for most children. Like all parenting decisions, there is often no right or wrong answer. However, he was completely incorrect to make this about his own decision. I would say something like, 'we will make the decision with our child when the time comes', smile and repeat as needed.

lljkk · 30/05/2021 09:45

oops, meant to write "People can agree to disagree"

Viviennemary · 30/05/2021 09:48

Lots of people are very anti boarding school. So I don't think the reaction was surprising.

phoenixrosehere · 30/05/2021 09:55

*I only read OP's posts.
My thoughts are that...

The ILs rather dislike kids being sent to boarding schools.
It's good that OP knows the depth of their feeling on this topic.

The ILs expressed opinions about principles not about individuals.
It should be possible to express those opinions without falling out.

The context is important that OP was a child -- her at boarding school was her parents decision;*

So you missed the part in her posts where she clearly said it was her decision..?

IntoAir · 30/05/2021 10:00

To which my FIL piped up saying : ' oh you're definitely NOT going to do that, boarding school isn't good. Children need to be with their parents'. I then said straight to his face ' there's nothing wrong with boarding school and we get to decide what we do with our child '

Neither of you is either reasonable or unreasonable. You simply disagree.

It’s OK for people to express their opinions, and it’s OK to agree or disagree. It’s not something to be offended or upset about!

Although actually your response to your FiL was borderline rude ....

lljkk · 30/05/2021 10:07

I guess I did! Buried in the middle of OP's posts are you happy

Have I also missed the bit where OP describes how she previously explained to her ILs very clearly that it was always her own decision so they all know that fully.

Anyway, it's still just a set of opinions that kids need their parents. OP can see this as opportunity to educate her ILs about merits of other choices. I expect OP to get a lot of opposition on MN, though. There are plenty of MNers who would say that parents have a duty to make final decision about what school a child of 12/13 attends, that 12 yr olds won't know what is their best school option (we hear this a lot).

Hallyup6 · 30/05/2021 10:12

He's entitled to his opinion and sounds like he's got the measure of parenthood. Why would you even contemplate sending your child to boarding school? Any parent who does that is bloody awful imo.

Ragoo · 30/05/2021 10:14

I think you handled it right. It's your child and your choice

MrDarcysMa · 30/05/2021 10:21

I think too both need to accept that boarding school affects different kids differently and it's not a one size fits all scenario so neither of you are 'right'.
However I agree he doesn't get to say what you do and don't decide about your children.

yoyo1234 · 30/05/2021 10:22

I think the issue is the "definitely NOT" in:
To which my FIL piped up saying : ' oh you're definitely NOT going to do that, boarding school isn't good. Children need to be with their parents'.

I think well handled OP. The wording by FIL was not to start a discussion but to take control of the schooling of a child (yet to be born) away from the parent!

SoapboxFox · 30/05/2021 10:24

Doesn't your husband correct them or stand his ground (and yours) if they say something too pushy?

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 30/05/2021 10:27

Ah, I misinterpreted that.
Having said that I still think your response was over the top, if anything it was you being rude.
Like I said it can be a contentious subject and perhaps you have some sensitivity over it? If you have a good relationship with your in-laws don't let it spoil it.
We have fabulously animated discussions in our family, but that doesn't work for everyone. If your dh knows things get heated and he likes to stir things up he needs a quiet word.

Original poster

pregnantandsensitive · 30/05/2021 10:29

I dread the next time it could come up. Because I know they'll ask my opinion on it again. And if I say that I wouldn't send my child, they'll ask me again if it was a mistake then that I was sent. I'll get so pissed off. I need to find a better way to respond. I've screen shorted some posts here that might help me.

It's likely to come up soon because we are moving and always talking about schools in the area. I need to keep my cool about it. I need to plan good responses so it doesn't escalate. But I know how it's going to go and the line of questioning that will be used is likely to back me into a corner and somehow make me admit that boarding school was bad for me and a mistake.

Perhaps if I say, I'm not categorically against it. It depends on the child and the time. They'll let it go. Hopefully !

OP posts:

Original poster

pregnantandsensitive · 30/05/2021 10:31

@Ihopeyourcakeisshit

Ah, I misinterpreted that. Having said that I still think your response was over the top, if anything it was you being rude. Like I said it can be a contentious subject and perhaps you have some sensitivity over it? If you have a good relationship with your in-laws don't let it spoil it. We have fabulously animated discussions in our family, but that doesn't work for everyone. If your dh knows things get heated and he likes to stir things up he needs a quiet word.

I'm just against it when they try to push me into somehow admitting that a huge chunk of my life was somehow wrong of below their standards. Opinions on boarding schools are fine. But this has come up before and the line of questioning is always the same. Trying to get me to say it wasn't right- because that's what they believe.

OP posts:

saraclara · 30/05/2021 10:36

"Going to boarding school was my choice, so what you think about parents sending their children away is irrelevant to my experience. Our child isn't even born yet, so what school they'll go to hasn't even crossed my mind"

Then change the subject. I think you're all over reacting. Your FIL blurted out something in shock in response to a joke, and you're overreacting to his overreaction.

Original poster

pregnantandsensitive · 30/05/2021 10:38

@saraclara

Then change the subject. I think you're all over reacting. Your FIL blurted out something in shock in response to a joke, and you're overreacting to his overreaction.

That's a good response. I know I'm overreacting. But this will come up again and it has come up before. I need to respond calm and cool. I'm trying to prepare myself for this again. So I don't fly off the handle when they try to question me again in that way, with the goal for me to tell them it was a mistake. That's what they want to hear.

OP posts:

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 30/05/2021 10:41

Well they're a bit daft if they can't see that it worked for you and you were happy.
Just stick to your guns. Like you say the trick is for you to keep your cool, hopefully it won't come up for some time or you could bat it off with "we'll cross that that bridge when welcome to it blah blah"
Don't get yourself worked up, you've got the rest of your pregnancy to enjoy.
You've still got all the well meaning advice/interference to look forward to get once the baby is here !

Holly60 · 30/05/2021 10:42

How about you say ‘it was absolutely right for me - I loved it. But not all children or families are the same and we haven’t fully decided what we are going to do yet, although in all honesty we probably won’t send them at the same age that I went, because selfishly we just love spending time with them’.

That then suggests that your reasons for not sending your DC is nothing to do with your own experience of boarding school and all to do with your experience of your own DC and parenting here and now. By saying ‘selfishly’ it also reiterates the fact that your parents made a sacrifice for your benefit but also acknowledges that you are different and want to keep your children at home if you can.

Holly60 · 30/05/2021 10:43

I think you might be feeling a bit defensive because any criticism of you going to boarding school seems to be a veiled criticism of your parents but I’m sure your FIL hasn’t even really thought of it this way.

Original poster

pregnantandsensitive · 30/05/2021 10:53

@Holly60

That's definitely it. I don't like my parents being criticised by my in laws. I also don't like being pushed into a corner to admit that it was somehow wrong.

OP posts:

JennieLee · 30/05/2021 10:56

I think its understandable that there will be some negative reactions.

There's been a lot of bad publicity about the abuse committed at independent boarding schools and day schools. They can make boys feel entitled and at boarding places, girls don't even have the limited safety of going home. It's all on

www.everyonesinvited.uk/

For some children the emotional separation can be damaging.

And yes, for others there are great educational opportunities and it can be a happy time in an establishment with good pastoral care.

I think all you can do is say that your child's welfare and happiness is always going to be your first concern, but that you haven't yet got their future mapped out.

No one can argue with that!

lljkk · 30/05/2021 11:00

Changing conversation topics is a skill worth cultivating.

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