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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it OK for FIL to say this to me ?

130 replies

pregnantandsensitive · 30/05/2021 00:04

I'm pregnant, so bear with me. I really don't know if I'm being sensitive or not. Happy to be told I'm being unreasonable...

So we were having a family dinner and somehow the topic of boarding schools came up. ( I went from 12/13 until the end of school and loved it). My in laws know this and I know they think it's a bit weird. My husband made some kind of throw away comment that maybe we should send our baby to boarding school one day. To which my FIL piped up saying : ' oh you're definitely NOT going to do that, boarding school isn't good. Children need to be with their parents'. I then said straight to his face ' there's nothing wrong with boarding school and we get to decide what we do with our child '.

My SIL later cornered me about it again and asked ' so would you ever send your child to boarding a school ? '. I said, maybe from sixth form.. and she jumps straight on me and says ' oh right, didn't you go earlier than that ? Do you think you went too young ? Do you think it was a mistake ? '

I thought it was all pretty mean. It's also not yeh first time my SIL uses that kind of questioning. It's like she's always trying to catch me out. ' oh last week you said you liked grey windows, but now you're saying you prefer white ones ? '

Anyway, thoughts ?

OP posts:
FreekStar · 30/05/2021 07:26

SIL and FIL are just expressing an opinion. What's the problem? The questions are to determine your opinion?

custardbear · 30/05/2021 07:29

I think it's an emotive subject. You did the right thing by putting him straight. However in reality it should be your child's overall decision, my children would never go, but saying that I'd never send them anyway - DD is 12 and is already deciding about 6th form or college choices now, it's her choice, not mine - all I'll do is guide her to ensure she can do the subjects she wants. and DS is 9, he has seen a programme with boarding school in it and begged me not to send him ... we had the discussion already I'm against kids going to boarding schools but he was quite upset by the prospect.

HercwasanEnemyofEducation · 30/05/2021 07:31

Boarding school is quite a marmite topic, especially among people who went there. I'd only heard of people hating it until I met my BIL who loved it. In this context I'm not surprised by the comments. Your SIL sounds curious rather than judgemental.

Snoken · 30/05/2021 07:32

I don't think either of them were rude. If you can't talk about things like that within a family, what can you talk about? Having an opinion is OK, saying it is also OK, it doesn't mean you have to act accordingly. Just staying on the surface and having nice pointless conversations because you are scared to offend gets really boring.

Original poster
pregnantandsensitive · 30/05/2021 07:32

@SuperMonkeys

Perfectly normal family conversation, there's no point getting too het up about it at this stage. Boarding school is also quite a divisive topic for many.

They're entitled to an opinion, sounds like you jumped back rather aggressively.

I think people need to be careful what they say. I would never say I think it's not OK for 30 year olds to still live at home with their parents and have no opinions of their own. Or other things that apply to them. I don't say it, because I don't want to offend. There are many things like that, which you just keep to yourself.
OP posts:
Original poster
pregnantandsensitive · 30/05/2021 07:34

@custardbear

I think it's an emotive subject. You did the right thing by putting him straight. However in reality it should be your child's overall decision, my children would never go, but saying that I'd never send them anyway - DD is 12 and is already deciding about 6th form or college choices now, it's her choice, not mine - all I'll do is guide her to ensure she can do the subjects she wants. and DS is 9, he has seen a programme with boarding school in it and begged me not to send him ... we had the discussion already I'm against kids going to boarding schools but he was quite upset by the prospect.
Well, in my case. It was actually my decision. So..my parents did not ' send me away '. I couldn't wait to be there and loved it.
OP posts:
Geamhradh · 30/05/2021 07:34

Don't see the offence tbh.
Your husband's a bit of a prat though. If he hadn't said it to you, even as a throwaway comment, they wouldn't have been shocked that you're already thinking about doing it (in their eyes)

Eviebeans · 30/05/2021 07:34

From personal experience I would say being pregnant can make you emotional and sensitive. Wrt boarding school specifically establishments and experiences vary greatly. I would take no notice of them knowing that it won't ultimately be their decision.

phoenixrosehere · 30/05/2021 07:34

Yanbu.

Kid isn’t even here yet. None of their business what you both MIGHT choose to do 10 years down the lines. You didn’t say you would. You defended the idea because you yourself actually went and enjoyed it.

Too many people are so quick to say how bad a certain experience is despite never having said experience yet when someone who has says that’s not their experience, to them they must be lying because it doesn’t fit their view on what they think it is.

Would I send mine to boarding school?

Yes, if they wanted to go and we could afford it. Would I have wanted to go to boarding school? Hell yeah. My parents’ relationship was toxic and created a toxic environment. I planned from 11 how to graduate school early so I could get away from them, did and went to year round university. Regardless, still not mine, theirs, or anyone’s what you two may choose to do down the line.

FIL had no say and should wind his neck in. SIL should also do the same. You said what you said and she shouldn’t have come to you again over it to supposedly “clarify” when it is known you went to boarding school. In my experience and from what I’ve seen, when someone wants to “clarify” in such a way, they want to gossip about it to others.

TatianaBis · 30/05/2021 07:35

It’s normal to discuss schools and schooling in general terms. It’s normal to ask people about their experiences of school.

It’s not normal to declare ”oh you're definitely NOT going to do that, boarding school isn't good. Children need to be with their parents”

It’s rude, gauche and intrusive.

OP rightly set him straight.

Original poster
pregnantandsensitive · 30/05/2021 07:36

@phoenixrosehere

Yanbu.

Kid isn’t even here yet. None of their business what you both MIGHT choose to do 10 years down the lines. You didn’t say you would. You defended the idea because you yourself actually went and enjoyed it.

Too many people are so quick to say how bad a certain experience is despite never having said experience yet when someone who has says that’s not their experience, to them they must be lying because it doesn’t fit their view on what they think it is.

Would I send mine to boarding school?

Yes, if they wanted to go and we could afford it. Would I have wanted to go to boarding school? Hell yeah. My parents’ relationship was toxic and created a toxic environment. I planned from 11 how to graduate school early so I could get away from them, did and went to year round university. Regardless, still not mine, theirs, or anyone’s what you two may choose to do down the line.

FIL had no say and should wind his neck in. SIL should also do the same. You said what you said and she shouldn’t have come to you again over it to supposedly “clarify” when it is known you went to boarding school. In my experience and from what I’ve seen, when someone wants to “clarify” in such a way, they want to gossip about it to others.

We sound similar...
OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 30/05/2021 07:38

Your sil was asking a reasonable question. You're being sensitive about it. So what if they don't approve/wanted to ask questions about it. Your kid, you do what you want, obviously.

Crowsaregreat · 30/05/2021 07:40

Just ignore them. When the baby comes you'll be too busy to give a shit. They'll have plenty of opinions about everything to do with child rearing and you have to decide how much energy you're going to give it.

Crowsaregreat · 30/05/2021 07:41

I would also ask if it was a family dinner where everyone apart from you was drinking, people can get a bit uncharming and indiscreet in a way you wouldn't notice if you were sozzled too.

saraclara · 30/05/2021 07:46

...but I have to say if either of my DC had decided to or mentioned the possibility of sending one of the DGC to boarding school I would have been totally gutted and might have come out with a similar comment before I could stop myself.

Yep, me too.

Also what people have said about normal family conversation. You mind it more being the DIL I suspect, OP. It was their son who made the comment and it's perfectly okay to respond to your own child in an honest way.

I also can't see what was wrong in what SIL said. I don't see her accusing you of lying. You said maybe from sixth form. Knowing that you went earlier she was simply teasing out your reasons for you preferring later for your own child.

JustPoppingToWaitrose · 30/05/2021 07:51

People can get really nasty about school choices. Our DS goes to a private school which caters for his mild SEN. My MIL hates the fact that he’s there. She tells everyone that it’s not the right school for him and even tried to convince him that he’s at the wrong school.

She bangs on about a state school 20 miles away that her friend works at that would be better for him. But refuses to listen when told that a) they have a very strict catchment area that we’re not in; and b) they have very long waiting lists.

She’s so venomous about his school, I really don’t understand it.

phoenixrosehere · 30/05/2021 07:55

@pregnantandsensitive

Flowers
Summerfun54321 · 30/05/2021 07:56

I couldn’t get worked up about this sorry. Obviously your FIL shouldn’t tell you where you should or shouldn’t send your child to school but you know he doesn’t have a say. It’s obviously something he feels strongly about and boarding school IS a controversial subject that brings out strong opinions and has people very divided.

My in-laws say lots of things that don’t fit with my views, especially politically and on many levels. But they’re my in-laws and they mean well and I want my DH and my children to have a good relationship with them. I think you need to just let this go.

DandelionRose · 30/05/2021 08:02

If you feel a bit under pressure from the SIL trying to catch you out, just have a stock answer of bland things to say if you're pressed, like "Hard to say, really" or "Lots to think about there", or "Not sure, things change so much don't they", or "I haven't really thought too hard about it yet".

DandelionRose · 30/05/2021 08:06

Phoenix totally agree with this: "from what I’ve seen, when someone wants to “clarify” in such a way, they want to gossip about it to others."

Absolutely. You eventually recognise when someone is asking intently (and listening intently) and it's not just for their own personal interest, it's so they can quote you when running back to report on what you said.

Hence the stock bland responses I suggested in my post - this is exactly why! There's no point giving your heartfelt, genuine or carefully thought out reasons to some people, they will look to twist it or trash it. The last thing they will do it take it on board.

Original poster
pregnantandsensitive · 30/05/2021 08:08

@DandelionRose

If you feel a bit under pressure from the SIL trying to catch you out, just have a stock answer of bland things to say if you're pressed, like "Hard to say, really" or "Lots to think about there", or "Not sure, things change so much don't they", or "I haven't really thought too hard about it yet".
Thank you. This will be useful in general. It's better to keep things vague with my sil and in laws in general. As soon as they have a bit of info, they jump on it like hawks to find some way to use it.
OP posts:
Zzelda · 30/05/2021 08:11

If your FIL said it in a jokey way, I can't see what the problem is.

Bourbonic · 30/05/2021 08:21

I think you can't expect people to change their opinion on something to suit you. They don't agree with boarding schools (nor do I) but you went and enjoyed it.

Just accept you have different opinions on it and move on.

Standrewsschool · 30/05/2021 08:24

Fil comment just sounded like a reaction comment, nothing to worry about. He’s entitled to his opinion. Maybe he momentarily forgot you went to boarding school.

Original poster
pregnantandsensitive · 30/05/2021 08:28

@Bourbonic

I think you can't expect people to change their opinion on something to suit you. They don't agree with boarding schools (nor do I) but you went and enjoyed it.

Just accept you have different opinions on it and move on.

I understand that. But they'd be miffed if I said my opinions on a lot of things. I don't do it. I don't do it in life in general unless I'm asked. Even then I'm careful not to offend.

I'll let this go. To be honest, I already had- but I wondered what other people think about that kind of situation. I personally think it was an off the cuff comment from him, which didn't even register properly for him, before he even said it. My SIL on the other hand was more calculated and basically trying to get me to say it was a mistake I was sent. That may not be obvious from my post about it, but I know her and have known her for a long time. I somehow always feel corners by her interrogations. And no, she's not just curious, she tries to catch me out. But whatever.

OP posts: