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Original poster

Is it OK for FIL to say this to me ?

130 replies

pregnantandsensitive · 30/05/2021 00:04

I'm pregnant, so bear with me. I really don't know if I'm being sensitive or not. Happy to be told I'm being unreasonable...

So we were having a family dinner and somehow the topic of boarding schools came up. ( I went from 12/13 until the end of school and loved it). My in laws know this and I know they think it's a bit weird. My husband made some kind of throw away comment that maybe we should send our baby to boarding school one day. To which my FIL piped up saying : ' oh you're definitely NOT going to do that, boarding school isn't good. Children need to be with their parents'. I then said straight to his face ' there's nothing wrong with boarding school and we get to decide what we do with our child '.

My SIL later cornered me about it again and asked ' so would you ever send your child to boarding a school ? '. I said, maybe from sixth form.. and she jumps straight on me and says ' oh right, didn't you go earlier than that ? Do you think you went too young ? Do you think it was a mistake ? '

I thought it was all pretty mean. It's also not yeh first time my SIL uses that kind of questioning. It's like she's always trying to catch me out. ' oh last week you said you liked grey windows, but now you're saying you prefer white ones ? '

Anyway, thoughts ?

OP posts:
Rewis · 30/05/2021 08:35

I agree the father in law was being rude and he should have kept his mouth shut. But it sounded like a reactive comment that just came out. I'm guilty of that myself occasionally. As for the SIL, hard to say.

Of course it is your decision only but boarding school are a divisive topic and off the cuff comments might trigger this reaction especially since they know that to you that is an option. Should they keep their thoughts to themselves? Sure, but in this specific situation it sounded a bit like involuntary reaction

billy1966 · 30/05/2021 08:42

Sounds like you spend too much time with them.

Firm up your boundaries before the baby arrives.

They sound as if they could be intrusive.
Flowers

Brefugee · 30/05/2021 08:51

in this scenario it's the SIL not the FIL who is really out of order. Does she live at home? why not make a comment about how weird that is at 30?

And if anyone moans about it, tell them to stop the stupid comments about boarding school

lazylump72 · 30/05/2021 08:52

Hi OP just to say everyone is entitled to their opinion but it doesn't mean they are right or you have to listen!! Being pregnant and even when you have delivered your baby going forward you will sadly get a lot of "advice" you really don't want or need,people just can't help themselves from knowing sod all about whats best! I find the best way to deal with it all is least said soonest mended method followed by a nod,smile and then do what the hell I want and was going to do anyway and carry on regardless of what they say! Been at this as a parent for 31 yrs now and its worked for me! Also as an aside to all this start now with this tip and you will save yourself so much grief going forward...tell people only what you want them to know, reason for this is if they know bugger all of the important stuff they can;t have an opinion or intrude in any way whatsoever.This too works!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/05/2021 08:58

@ConfusedAdultFemale

I get it, they’re probably panicking a bit at the thought of a child being shipped away from their family. I understand you had a different experience of it but to the majority sending your child to live away from you is unpalatable
This ^
Hoppinggreen · 30/05/2021 08:58

Despite the fact that I agree with your in laws it’s not their place to say it and they were quite rude

phoenixrosehere · 30/05/2021 09:01

I get it, they’re probably panicking a bit at the thought of a child being shipped away from their family. I understand you had a different experience of it but to the majority sending your child to live away from you is unpalatable

She chose to go which is a massive difference than sending a child off.

Chamonixshoopshoop · 30/05/2021 09:01

My MIL and FIL give me their opinions, we’re a pretty open and honest family. I don’t always like it, but actually it’s better than built up resentment and not being honest.
I don’t always agree and I’ll say, don’t be quiet about how you feel either, be open and honest back.

Brefugee · 30/05/2021 09:01

I don't believe in sending children to boarding school as I had my children because I wanted them and to be with them during their growth to adulthood.

thanks for dumping on those of us who went to boarding school, though. Just because you think like that, it's not like that for everyone.

ittakes2 · 30/05/2021 09:02

I am guessing this is your first baby. Grandparents and parents get super sensitive around first babies. But it all falls away once the child is about 1 years old. He's imagining you sending his grandchild away from him. He won't feel the same when that grandchild is throwing toddler tantrums or a 13 year old with attitude. You might not feel the same about boarding schools then either. As children start going to school and building their lives grandparents are also older and often become less emotional about things to do with grandkids.

diddl · 30/05/2021 09:05

SIL sounds worse to me-cornering you & trying to get you to admit that boarding school at the age you went was wrong!

NewlyGranny · 30/05/2021 09:06

They're baiting you for their own amusement, OP. It must be tiring walking on eggshells around their barbed questioning.

I'd call it nicely, by turning things back on them, e.g. " I've never given (topic) much thought, to be honest - what's your opinion?" That makes them do all the work while exposing their own views on a topic they've chosen, and you can sip your drink and watch them tie themselves up.

If they start to bully, you could go a step further and ask, "What is it you want to hear me say, and why?"

Or the never failing defence to any barbed comment or intrusive question, which is, "That's interesting. Why would you say/ask that?!" which stops people in their tracks.

Remember, you're family, you aren't being paid to provide entertainment.

I have resorted, when being grilled in a hostile manner about my specialist area by someone blatantly wanting to catch me in some slip or contradiction, to using a line adapted from the milkshake song: "I could tell you much more about that subject, but I would have to invoice you for my time."

Original poster
pregnantandsensitive · 30/05/2021 09:11

@NewlyGranny

They're baiting you for their own amusement, OP. It must be tiring walking on eggshells around their barbed questioning.

I'd call it nicely, by turning things back on them, e.g. " I've never given (topic) much thought, to be honest - what's your opinion?" That makes them do all the work while exposing their own views on a topic they've chosen, and you can sip your drink and watch them tie themselves up.

If they start to bully, you could go a step further and ask, "What is it you want to hear me say, and why?"

Or the never failing defence to any barbed comment or intrusive question, which is, "That's interesting. Why would you say/ask that?!" which stops people in their tracks.

Remember, you're family, you aren't being paid to provide entertainment.

I have resorted, when being grilled in a hostile manner about my specialist area by someone blatantly wanting to catch me in some slip or contradiction, to using a line adapted from the milkshake song: "I could tell you much more about that subject, but I would have to invoice you for my time."

This is really good advice ! I find myself in those situations a lot and it would really help to respond like this.
OP posts:
Doggitydog · 30/05/2021 09:14

Those are normal questions though aren’t they? Not rude at all.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 30/05/2021 09:15

FIL was out of order imo

Ozanj · 30/05/2021 09:20

Most grandparents would have that reaction I think if their son begins to randomly say he’s sending the kid to b /s when the child isn’t even born yet. I think your Oh did this on purpose because he probably didn’t have the guts to tell you he disagrees with b/s entirely. You need to have this out with him not his family

Original poster
pregnantandsensitive · 30/05/2021 09:21

@Ozanj

Most grandparents would have that reaction I think if their son begins to randomly say he’s sending the kid to b /s when the child isn’t even born yet. I think your Oh did this on purpose because he probably didn’t have the guts to tell you he disagrees with b/s entirely. You need to have this out with him not his family
Not at all. We've spoken about it lots of times. I know his opinion on it. It really was just a silly comment.
OP posts:
JennieLee · 30/05/2021 09:23

I think it you're about to give birth to a helpless vulnerable being and are already thinking about sending it away then people may well have strong reactions.

Which isn't to imply that there aren't excellent schools of that type, and that some children - especially older ones - might not flourish in such an environment.

Perhaps just wait for the baby a) to be born and b) get to an age where you need to start thinking about schools, before you start doing battle.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 30/05/2021 09:23

"We get to decide what we do with our child" appears to be to be a bit of an over the top response to what you say your fil said in a jokey way?
It all seems a bit daft. It seems a bit of an over reaction to normal family conversation. Boarding school can be quite a controversial subject, I don't know why your dh brought it up if it wasn't to invite conversation.

Original poster
pregnantandsensitive · 30/05/2021 09:23

@JennieLee

I think it you're about to give birth to a helpless vulnerable being and are already thinking about sending it away then people may well have strong reactions.

Which isn't to imply that there aren't excellent schools of that type, and that some children - especially older ones - might not flourish in such an environment.

Perhaps just wait for the baby a) to be born and b) get to an age where you need to start thinking about schools, before you start doing battle.

It wasn't an actual discussion. It was a joke !
OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 30/05/2021 09:24

Your DH knew the reaction he'd get from his parents.
I'd let it go since DH invited discussion on the subject.

Original poster
pregnantandsensitive · 30/05/2021 09:24

@Ihopeyourcakeisshit

"We get to decide what we do with our child" appears to be to be a bit of an over the top response to what you say your fil said in a jokey way? It all seems a bit daft. It seems a bit of an over reaction to normal family conversation. Boarding school can be quite a controversial subject, I don't know why your dh brought it up if it wasn't to invite conversation.
No, my FIL did not say it in a jokey way though. My husband made a joke comment TO ME.
OP posts:
yoyo1234 · 30/05/2021 09:25

It is up to you and DH to decide what you think is best when the time comes for your DC. I would not want to be told what to do by my parents or in-laws.

Muchasgracias · 30/05/2021 09:26

Well, it’s ok for your FIL to say this in the context of your DH making a jokey comment. But you in turn just need to ignore it. Of course he has no control over your decisions about your DC, and you know this, so don’t stress about it.

It sounds like FIL and SIL are insecure about your experiences of which they know nothing about and enjoy the opportunity to take you down over this. Honestly, just ignore them.

EmeraldShamrock · 30/05/2021 09:28

It wasn't an actual discussion. It was a joke¡
They don't know it is a joke given you had a great experience they've probably wondered will you send DC away.
FIL should have kept his opinion to himself it sounds like it hit a nerve for him.