Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it OK for FIL to say this to me ?

130 replies

pregnantandsensitive · 30/05/2021 00:04

I'm pregnant, so bear with me. I really don't know if I'm being sensitive or not. Happy to be told I'm being unreasonable...

So we were having a family dinner and somehow the topic of boarding schools came up. ( I went from 12/13 until the end of school and loved it). My in laws know this and I know they think it's a bit weird. My husband made some kind of throw away comment that maybe we should send our baby to boarding school one day. To which my FIL piped up saying : ' oh you're definitely NOT going to do that, boarding school isn't good. Children need to be with their parents'. I then said straight to his face ' there's nothing wrong with boarding school and we get to decide what we do with our child '.

My SIL later cornered me about it again and asked ' so would you ever send your child to boarding a school ? '. I said, maybe from sixth form.. and she jumps straight on me and says ' oh right, didn't you go earlier than that ? Do you think you went too young ? Do you think it was a mistake ? '

I thought it was all pretty mean. It's also not yeh first time my SIL uses that kind of questioning. It's like she's always trying to catch me out. ' oh last week you said you liked grey windows, but now you're saying you prefer white ones ? '

Anyway, thoughts ?

OP posts:
YourSexNotGenderIsOnFire · 30/05/2021 01:45

I get it, they’re probably panicking a bit at the thought of a child being shipped away from their family. I understand you had a different experience of it but to the majority sending your child to live away from you is unpalatable

^ This. DF went to boarding school at 8 and was miserable. I actually think it's quite cruel and so it's not surprising that it evokes strong emotions.

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 30/05/2021 01:50

Yabu I cannot fathom how he offended you, and in my opinion I agree with him.

nahno123 · 30/05/2021 02:02

@pregnantandsensitive

I'm pregnant, so bear with me. I really don't know if I'm being sensitive or not. Happy to be told I'm being unreasonable...

So we were having a family dinner and somehow the topic of boarding schools came up. ( I went from 12/13 until the end of school and loved it). My in laws know this and I know they think it's a bit weird. My husband made some kind of throw away comment that maybe we should send our baby to boarding school one day. To which my FIL piped up saying : ' oh you're definitely NOT going to do that, boarding school isn't good. Children need to be with their parents'. I then said straight to his face ' there's nothing wrong with boarding school and we get to decide what we do with our child '.

My SIL later cornered me about it again and asked ' so would you ever send your child to boarding a school ? '. I said, maybe from sixth form.. and she jumps straight on me and says ' oh right, didn't you go earlier than that ? Do you think you went too young ? Do you think it was a mistake ? '

I thought it was all pretty mean. It's also not yeh first time my SIL uses that kind of questioning. It's like she's always trying to catch me out. ' oh last week you said you liked grey windows, but now you're saying you prefer white ones ? '

Anyway, thoughts ?

I think your FIL was being rude but SIL was probably just curious.

I went to boarding school too and when people first found out about it, they all ask questions similar to what your SIL asked. Boarding school is still not the norm and for people who never went they don't have first hand experience of what it's actually like. For me, i love my boarding school years.

HeartvsBrain · 30/05/2021 02:20

I don't believe in sending children to boarding school as I had my children because I wanted them and to be with them during their growth to adulthood. I have other more political reasons for not sending them, but that is another conversation.
Based on my above statement, I have to say that I think what the OP's father-in-law said to her was very rude. He didn't blurt out emotionally (as I might have done) "oh no, please don't do that, they need to be with their parents", he said that his grandchild definitely would not be going to boarding school - who the hell does he think he is? He might be the Patriarch of the husbands family, but that does not give him any rights over the parents decisions about their child.
OP, I think you did the right thing, hopefully they will think twice before being so rude again, but I think that you should try and put it behind you now, and maybe forgive your FiL his ignorance (unless he keeps on doing it). Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. xx

everythingbackbutyou · 30/05/2021 02:54

Missing the point much, some of you? OP didn't ask for a debate on the relative merits of boarding school, she was asking whether FIL was out of order with the way he spoke to her.

MrMucker · 30/05/2021 05:36

OP I am struggling to understand your reactions. Genuinely.
FIL- It is some words which do not match the words in your head at that particular moment.
SIL - it is some questions from someone about you, formulated to clarify some things about you.
Personally I have to encounter these things on a daily basis. Y'know, "other people"
I suppose the other option is to sit in a room completely alone all the time.

Pinkypink · 30/05/2021 06:01

Fil sounds like he made a knee jerk comment.
Sil seems immature and stunted by her life situation.
A few stock answers would be good for her:
It's ok for us to have different experiences and opinions sil
And it's ok for those opinions to develop and even change

colouringcrayons · 30/05/2021 06:12

I don't think the comments were out of order. If someone might bring my grandchild up very differently I would be interested to know. As a a GP it would affect them a lot as they'd have less time with the GC if sent away. I think boarding school vs living in a family is an enormous difference.

I had a relative who went to boarding school, you could really tell they'd not had a family upbringing, maybe they can see the boarding school in you but obviously can't discuss it?

AnyOldPrion · 30/05/2021 06:28

Seems to me that FIL was definitely rude, but I am a bit Hmm about your husband bringing it up. Does he have form for prodding his parents into reacting? Does he know it’s a prickly topic? Even in the context you’ve given, it doesn’t sound like a conversation where I’d have mentioned boarding school.

TheoMeo · 30/05/2021 06:33

Was FIL a totally hands on DF to your DH? So it's not boarding schools but the thought that he would't spend all his spare time with his DCs that distresses him.

Holly60 · 30/05/2021 06:38

This is a difficult one. Normally I’d be the first to jump in and say your FIL has no say in how you bring up your child, but I have to say if either of my DC had decided to or mentioned the possibility of sending one of the DGC to boarding school I would have been totally gutted and might have come out with a similar comment before I could stop myself. They are also possibly aware that you went and loved it so although it was a throw away comment, they may already be a bit concerned that you would be more keen than many to do just that. It may be a genuine worry of theirs that their GC will be sent away. In this case FIL sounds quite caring in my opinion, but that might be because I sort of agree with him

Bogeyes · 30/05/2021 06:48

I'm glad you put your FIL in his place...it's none of his business...it's none of your SIL business....tell them to sod off!

Anycrispsleft · 30/05/2021 06:50

You say you often feel under pressure to stay quiet around them in order not to give them ammunition. And the comment itself was following a "joke" about how untalented you and tour DH are. He's not very nice, is he, FIL? I suspect that if you hadn't been to boarding school, he'd have just picked on something else that was slightly controversial about you. Allows him to be unpleasant while "just expressing his opinion."

Winkywonkydonkey · 30/05/2021 06:53

I'd have fun with this. I would get a ton of boarding school brochures and private school nursery brochures and leave them casually around your house when fil and sil visit. I'd pretend to take a call and let them hear me ask about when their intake was, how many weeks would they be away at 2 years old etc.

Springchickpea · 30/05/2021 06:58

I think I probably have a similar relationship with my in laws. We don’t really agree on a lot of things and finding ‘safe’ topics of conversation is a minefield. There is a cultural gap - they came to the U.K. 30 years ago and have different beliefs and ideas on some things. Different life experience, different expectations.

When I was pregnant (and for a while after having my children) I was extremely sensitive and our relationship really suffered. I found them overbearing and pushy, suffocating even. They found me highly strung and rude. Our relationship was awful for a good half a decade.

I’m fairly neutral towards them now, but 18 months of not seeing them b/c covid has probably helped a bit to break the cycle.

Just really really do your best to smile and nod during this incredibly difficult time. Don’t engage in conversation topics that stress you out. Don’t engage on long term plans for the future like schooling before baby is even here.

Checkingout811 · 30/05/2021 07:02

Sounds like your DH is possibly looking for a reaction. Most of us know our parents thoughts on certain things so to bring it up in front of them was possibly a little goady.
I don’t think SIL said anything wrong, just curious.

millymollymoomoo · 30/05/2021 07:04

People are allowed to have opinions and disagree without necessarily being rude.
I don’t really see the issue here. I think you sound over sensitive

RowanAlong · 30/05/2021 07:07

I think the thought of your child being sent away to school frightens them, so they took that opportunity to make sure you knew that...in a not very polite way. They’re anxious to keep family close and are expressing it badly.

TatianaBis · 30/05/2021 07:10

If they want to keep family close they might try not being rude to them.

TatianaBis · 30/05/2021 07:11

I’d ignore if OP. I’m not interested in what my PIL think I should do with my kids.

Needanedittbuton · 30/05/2021 07:18

It just sounds like a normal family conversation to me. It would be pretty boring if people didn't express an opinion.

Gizlotsmum · 30/05/2021 07:20

On the surface I don’t think either of those conversations were out of order, you dh mentioned boarding school and FIL as you say made a jokey comment. SIL was asking questions but it sounds like you have other issues with that relationship? Which might be clouding your view. I would just have said you hadn’t really thought about it...that would have closed it down. Do you feel judged by the inlaws?

TatianaBis · 30/05/2021 07:21

@Needanedittbuton

It just sounds like a normal family conversation to me. It would be pretty boring if people didn't express an opinion.
Depends on the opinion. I’d welcome opinions on a wide range of topics - politics, culture, science, literature, art, music etc. But I’m not interested in my PIL views on child rearing.
fourminutestosavetheworld · 30/05/2021 07:22

I think your dp invited comments when he mentioned it.

I wonder whether your fil responded too quickly, giving his honest opinion without thinking that it could offend you due to your own history with boarding schools. If he's usually kind, I'd put this down to a 'foot in mouth' moment.

I don't think your sil did anything wrong. She was interested and asked questions. Asking questions instead of making assumptions is always a good idea imo.

Of course you and dp will make the decisions about your baby's education, I doubt anyone seriously thinks otherwise.

SuperMonkeys · 30/05/2021 07:22

Perfectly normal family conversation, there's no point getting too het up about it at this stage. Boarding school is also quite a divisive topic for many.

They're entitled to an opinion, sounds like you jumped back rather aggressively.

Swipe left for the next trending thread