WIBU - colleague told me not to use pregnancy as an excuse

[ReginaaPhalange]

Not NC for this, don't care if this puts me!

During the week, I had a meeting with another colleague in my team to discuss something that I am involved in at work. It is in my contract to assist with this certain process, but it is not my main task and I am employed for another project.

Basically, she pulled me into an office and laid into me for small mistakes I've been making and I admit I have been and my explanation for that is I am on my own at work (other team member is on long term sick) and I am feeling the pressure with trying to make progress and meet targets. I did explain this to her but she just went on and on saying that the minor mistakes I made are not what she expects from the level of someone on my salary. I agree. I admitted to her that I am trying to get her small part of the process done quickly so I can go back to my main job and work on that.

Anyway, I got out of character very emotional and started crying - she just looked at me, sighed and shook her head then went back to laying into me.

She told me she's feeding this convo back to the main boss - fine, she's entitled to as the process I am involved in contributes to her main job.

At the end of the meeting, I apologised for getting overly emotional and told her that I would be telling my colleagues today that I am in my first trimester of pregnancy so clearly my emotions are all over the place just now and again apologised for the out of character emotional outburst.

Her reply? "Well having never gone what you're going through, and having no desire to ever do, I don't expect you to use your pregnancy as an excuse to continue making mistakes and I want to see improvement from you".

I have had time to reflect on the chat but to be honest, I'm actually angry at her comment about me using my pregnancy as an excuse.

WIBU to pull her up about it on Monday and tell her that her comments were completely unacceptable and I will not tolerate someone speaking like that to me, pregnant or not?

Feel free to tell me that I am being overly sensitive and that IABU. I won't cry (much 😉)

WIBU* 🤦🏻‍♀️

And for the record, I'd never use a pregnancy as an excuse. If I mess up, I own up!

Is she senior to you? She sounds dreadful. I would report the whole lot to your boss in a factual, unemotional way. Plenty of people would be upset if berated at length by a colleague.

I agree, she overstepped a line and pregnancy is a medically recognised condition so for her to try and label as it as an "excuse" is unacceptable and I'd be informing HR. I'd also suggest she gets some more training if she is talking to people like that.

She is a bully. That is not OK
She drove you to a point where you felt forced to disclose your. Early pregnancy.
I would make a complaint to her senior.
I am sorry that this happened to you.

YANBU. Your manager should be supporting you - I don't mean your mistakes should be glossed over but she should be working with you to overcome the issues.

@TestingTestingWonTooFree yes, she's a salary pay band up from me.

Was the pregnancy explanation for the mistakes or the crying? Being a bit more emotionally fragile while pregnant is definitely legitimate. Making mistakes, less so.

I wouldn't speak to her,I'd go straight to her immediate manager and HR.

@MinesAPintOfTea I apologised for crying and explained my hormones are all over the place due to pregnancy.

I acknowledged the mistakes and my 'excuse' for that was the pressure at work with my main focus of work

Does a pay band above you means she manages you? Either way she's a bully and you need to speak to your manager & HR.

@iklboo no, she's not my manager and has no dealings with me. We both have the same manager.

In our office she would be in trouble both speaking to you like that, then continuing when you were obviously distressed. They do not tolerate bullying in any form. Speak to your manager and HR.

Evening, @ReginaaPhalange - just to let you know that we've edited your thread title as requested; hope that helps!

I agree that she doesn't sound very nice, but it was YOU that used the excuse of being overly emotional on the pregnancy!

[quote ReginaaPhalange]@iklboo no, she's not my manager and has no dealings with me. We both have the same manager. [/quote]
Does she have any authority to "manage" you then in the way she was trying to?

Definitely complain to your manager and/or HR. That's not on at all.

Sounds like she's trying to punish you for choosing to have a family when she doesn't want one. Twat.

She right though. She didn't say you couldn't use your pregnancy as an excuse for being emotional. She said, essentially, she hoped you wouldn't potentially use it to excuse further mistakes, which you both agree are unacceptable, and preventing her from doing her job properly.

I think she felt like you needed pulling up, and essentially, you cried and said you were pregnant. That's kind of irrelevant to your mistake making, so I think she was quite within her rights to say that she hoped you wouldn't try and use your pregnancy to justify the mutually acknowledged errors you are making, as you'd just cried when she discussed it with you and brought your pregnancy into it. Crying through hormonal imbalance is ok. Continuing to prevent someone else doing their job, is not. After you crying about it, she's checking that this level of error will not continue with pregnancy expected to be an acceptable excuse.

You're continually, negatively, affecting her job and don't seem that bothered. I'd be seriously pissed if I were here. And I'm a mother of 3.

@Elouera yes, for being emotional, not for making the mistakes at work. She's telling me not to use my pregnancy as an excuse to make mistakes.

As I've said in the post, I acknowledged the mistakes and gave my reasonings behind it with being under pressure - not because of my pregnancy.

Fucking hell - that’s awful. Totally inappropriate way to speak to anyone in the workplace. She is a bully and you need to make a formal complaint to HR and your manager ASAP. I would not be engaging with her and would be refusing to work with her again until my complaint is resolved.

I’m so sorry this happened to you ☹️

@TwinsAndTrifle I totally get where you're coming from. There is more to this with lack of training and when I do ask questions I get asked "well what do you think? Do what you think and I'll let you know". Thing is she doesn't let me know and she leaves it to build up for 2 months then tell me I'm wrong.

I wasn't using my pregnancy as an excuse during the meeting. I said it after the meeting once we had discussed next steps and the reasoning behind the silly errors (under pressure).

I fully acknowledge the impact of my silly mistakes and take full ownership of it and will make sure I take more time on jt

She sounds awful. Disrespectful and bad conduct. I'd be reporting her for inappropriate conduct if I was a fellow colleague and you told me this.

I’m a mother of 3 too - and that was bullying behaviour. There is a way to address staff performance appropriately and constructively and that wasn’t it.

As a a manager I would be livid with anyone who pulled one of my reports aside and laid into them about anything. She should have spoken to your manager if she was so concerned and had them speak to you. A quiet chat between colleagues to try and address issues is one thing, but this sounds like she went way beyond that.

Irrespective of when you used the excuse of being pregnant, you were called out on your mistakes.
I feel for you and it's not nice to be shown up. I've been there but pregnancy is not an excuse.

She sounds disgusting. You shouldn't let her bully you and should report her for it. I would. Why are women so horrible to fellow women in the workplace... If you don't put her in her place by going straight to her senior, it'll get worse as your pregnancy progresses. You should warn them that this could become an hr problem and they'll get the hint. Hope you're working in a place with proper corporate hr practices.