WIBU - colleague told me not to use pregnancy as an excuse

[ReginaaPhalange]

Not NC for this, don't care if this puts me!

During the week, I had a meeting with another colleague in my team to discuss something that I am involved in at work. It is in my contract to assist with this certain process, but it is not my main task and I am employed for another project.

Basically, she pulled me into an office and laid into me for small mistakes I've been making and I admit I have been and my explanation for that is I am on my own at work (other team member is on long term sick) and I am feeling the pressure with trying to make progress and meet targets. I did explain this to her but she just went on and on saying that the minor mistakes I made are not what she expects from the level of someone on my salary. I agree. I admitted to her that I am trying to get her small part of the process done quickly so I can go back to my main job and work on that.

Anyway, I got out of character very emotional and started crying - she just looked at me, sighed and shook her head then went back to laying into me.

She told me she's feeding this convo back to the main boss - fine, she's entitled to as the process I am involved in contributes to her main job.

At the end of the meeting, I apologised for getting overly emotional and told her that I would be telling my colleagues today that I am in my first trimester of pregnancy so clearly my emotions are all over the place just now and again apologised for the out of character emotional outburst.

Her reply? "Well having never gone what you're going through, and having no desire to ever do, I don't expect you to use your pregnancy as an excuse to continue making mistakes and I want to see improvement from you".

I have had time to reflect on the chat but to be honest, I'm actually angry at her comment about me using my pregnancy as an excuse.

WIBU to pull her up about it on Monday and tell her that her comments were completely unacceptable and I will not tolerate someone speaking like that to me, pregnant or not?

Feel free to tell me that I am being overly sensitive and that IABU. I won't cry (much 😉)

@MaMelon she gave me hardly any notice of the items in question. When I done research into it (she emailed after I left work and the meeting was 1hr after starting time the next day), some of the mistakes on the list weren't even mine, or the errors she highlighted "e.g you were meant to send the question to this dept", and I had! But I couldn't ask her on this cause she was fixated on a couple of the items that I had made small mistakes on. No feedback whatsoever!

Hi OP

I agree with others. Mistakes arent great obviously and she can ask about these but it sounded like you have a legitimate reason and a plan for overcoming them so it should have been left there.

If someone is crying in a meeting, for whatever reason (even if it's over the top, which this case wasn't) you stop the meeting and agree to follow it up another time, possibly with other people there, to protect both parties. You don't act in a completely dismissive way sighing and shaking your head then carry on. If someone is upset it's time to take a break, whatever the background.

And her response was shit. Firstly you weren't using your pregnancy as an excuse and even if you were, ffs companies are supposed to recognise the trials of pregnancy eg if someone is completely tired out, of course their error rate is going to increase...its part of being human and a fact rather than excuse. But in this case you were explaining the emotions not the mistakes. And people can never be blamed for having emotions. And secondly wrf has her own experience and desire to go through or not go through pregnancy got to do with anything? Own personal experiences are not supposed to come into it. So if she had no memory of her parents and someone was upset because their dad had died, she would be ok to say 'well I havent gone through it, so no time off to grieve / for the funeral I'm afraid!' Of course not.

What you do next depends on office politics but first things I'd do are -

1. Write an account of exactly what happened and who said what, like you would a play, with no emotion

1. Write to her to clarify that your mistakes were because of x reason, you have agreed y action, and you were referencing the crying when you advised of the pregnancy, not the mistakes

1. If she is discussing with her manager, I'd forward both to the manager and depending on the relationship have a separate chat about what happened

Fucking hell she sounds atrocious.

Her personal stance on having children is completely irrelevant to the situation, its totally inappropriate for her to raise it. You clearly weren't blaming the minor mistakes on pregnancy when you'd already explained you are short staffed.

She's not your manager. If I was your manager I'd be fuming with her!

Congratulations on your pregnancy. And let me guess, is your missing colleague off with stress by any chance?...

@1Morewineplease I acknowledged the mistakes. I mentioned my pregnancy after the meeting and as a explanation as to why I was emotional in the meeting. Not using it as an excuse for making the mistakes.

I've said in my original post the mistakes are down to me being under pressure in my main job with being short staffed.

Seen your update I'd definitely include her errors in your email back to her. Point by point. Eg item 1 yes this was my error and I will do x next time. Item 2 I did this, see attached email. Item 3, x was responsible for this, as per meeting notes dated x etc etc

@DrinkFeckArseBrick thank you! This sums it up exactly!

I will be emailing her on Monday and copying in our manager and then will discuss at my next 1:1!

I wouldn’t be engaging with her any further. If any of my team were spoken to in this way by another manager I would expect them to tell me - and I would deal with her directly.

Boy would I deal with her.

@MoiraNotRuby surprisingly no, they are off following a procedure.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick definitely going to do that! Will also PDF it too and add a password in should the need to edit arise ...

She sounds awful

[quote ReginaaPhalange]@1Morewineplease I acknowledged the mistakes. I mentioned my pregnancy after the meeting and as a explanation as to why I was emotional in the meeting. Not using it as an excuse for making the mistakes.

I've said in my original post the mistakes are down to me being under pressure in my main job with being short staffed. [/quote]
I understand what you’re saying , truly I do, as I was in a similar situation to you.
However, I became pregnant during a tricky time at work where I’d dropped the ball, as it were, and suddenly finding that I was pregnant was not an excuse. When I announced my pregnancy I was met with eye rolling as it suddenly seemed convenient to blame my lacklustre performance on it. But pregnancy is not an excuse. It shouldn’t be . If pregnancy should be taken into consideration for poor workmanship / decisions in the workplace then all newly pregnant women should be maternitied off , on full pay , at 12 weeks .
Now I’d vote for that!

@1Morewineplease thank you for your comment, I will take your comments on board (and that's genuine, not as sarcy as it looks)

[quote ReginaaPhalange]@1Morewineplease thank you for your comment, I will take your comments on board (and that's genuine, not as sarcy as it looks) [/quote]
All good wishes to you 💐

Part I don't get is why the boss laid into OP who said of the relevant work "It is in my contract to assist with this certain process, but it is not my main task and I am employed for another project"

It's strange to take someone to so much task over their minor duty.

@lljkk without giving it away, my role in this is to log any requests then pass them onto her to take through the rest of the process.

Perfectly legitimate reason for being emotional - so she can feck off for shaking her head etc. And also could possibly be an "excuse" for making mistakes because one can be forgetful and tired etc etc and other symptoms of early pregnancy that could impact on your work performance. So again - she can frack off

Well that sounds like the meeting from hell! She sounds cut throat

@MaMelon

I wouldn’t be engaging with her any further. If any of my team were spoken to in this way by another manager I would expect them to tell me - and I would deal with her directly.

Boy would I deal with her.

This.

I wouldn't be emailing her. I'd make a written list of the errors she pulled you up on with, for each one, the info as to whether it was in fact your error or not, a note of the plan you have for avoiding errors in the future, and a written account of the conversation from memory, then I'd be booking a meeting with my manager, not waiting for my next 1:1 (unless that was imminent) and setting out everything that had happened.

She's not your manager, how very dare she tell you 'I want to see improvement from you'? She's having a go at throwing her weight around and needs reining in.

Absolutely agree with your approach Mithering

Are her initials CH by any chance? This is the exact sort of thing my sister says about her pregnant colleagues when talking about them, and the "having no desire to ever do it" is exactly her opinion on children!

@MitheringSunday I agree with this too! Thank you :)

She might be a salary pay above you but that's irrelevant to you, she is not your manager and does not have a responsibility over you based on what you've said so she has no business trying to manage you or pulling you up on things. She should have went to your shared manager with concerns over your performance for them to handle things. Furthermore, you did not use your pregnancy as an excuse for the errors, you were feeling emotional and overwhelmed with hormones which I'm sure is out of character for you, so you explained that's why you reacted that way. I can imagine you felt backed in a corner as well. Her then trying to suggest that you may start using your pregnancy as an excuse for further errors is highly inappropriate, you said nothing to suggest this, and I find her comment bordering on maternity discrimination... Also her comment about never wanting to get pregnant herself, there's no need for that. Overall, she conducted herself in an unprofessional manner.

Oh also, fwiw when I was pregnant a woman acted like this towards me as well including comments about her lack of desire for wanting to get pregnant herself. This culminated in her calling me a breeder on another occasion.

I don't think you being pregnant (congrats btw) or her telling you that pregnancy is no excuse for sloppy work (correct) is the real issue here. Personally I would drop that aspect so as not to cloud the actual issue, which is that she spoke to you unprofessionally and in a seemingly irate manner. Certainly not constructive and could be considered bullying.

I think bringing your pregnancy into it if you were to share your concerns could seem like you want special treatment (i.e. she shouldn't have spoken to you like that because you're pregnant). It might also seem like you were in fact using your pregnancy as an excuse. It shouldn't really be brought into it imo.

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