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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU - colleague told me not to use pregnancy as an excuse

183 replies

ReginaaPhalange · 29/05/2021 20:02

Not NC for this, don't care if this puts me!

During the week, I had a meeting with another colleague in my team to discuss something that I am involved in at work. It is in my contract to assist with this certain process, but it is not my main task and I am employed for another project.

Basically, she pulled me into an office and laid into me for small mistakes I've been making and I admit I have been and my explanation for that is I am on my own at work (other team member is on long term sick) and I am feeling the pressure with trying to make progress and meet targets. I did explain this to her but she just went on and on saying that the minor mistakes I made are not what she expects from the level of someone on my salary. I agree. I admitted to her that I am trying to get her small part of the process done quickly so I can go back to my main job and work on that.

Anyway, I got out of character very emotional and started crying - she just looked at me, sighed and shook her head then went back to laying into me.

She told me she's feeding this convo back to the main boss - fine, she's entitled to as the process I am involved in contributes to her main job.

At the end of the meeting, I apologised for getting overly emotional and told her that I would be telling my colleagues today that I am in my first trimester of pregnancy so clearly my emotions are all over the place just now and again apologised for the out of character emotional outburst.

Her reply? "Well having never gone what you're going through, and having no desire to ever do, I don't expect you to use your pregnancy as an excuse to continue making mistakes and I want to see improvement from you".

I have had time to reflect on the chat but to be honest, I'm actually angry at her comment about me using my pregnancy as an excuse.

WIBU to pull her up about it on Monday and tell her that her comments were completely unacceptable and I will not tolerate someone speaking like that to me, pregnant or not?

Feel free to tell me that I am being overly sensitive and that IABU. I won't cry (much 😉)

OP posts:
honeygirlz · 29/05/2021 21:34

I agree with pp, she has behaved very badly.

Definitely take it further. Why can't her team do the task?

Nomorepies · 29/05/2021 21:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

Mammyloveswine · 29/05/2021 21:41

If she's not your manager she has no right speaking to you like that!!! Write the whole thing down (dates and times) and go to hr.. can't stand workplace bullies!!

(Even if she was your manager she'd be on shaky ground but she is bullying here and it's not on).

Hope you're ok op! Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Pebbledashery · 29/05/2021 21:45

I've just left a job due to work place bullying from my CEO.. She was completely out of order.. BUT you shouldn't have mentioned your pregnancy at all. Especially early pregnancy. She didn't have to know. You didn't use your pregnancy as an excuse for mistakes, but there was no reason at all to mention it to her.

Cherrysoup · 29/05/2021 21:45

I don’t think you should email her, you should email your manager, tell him/her that you said the mistakes were due to pressure, not pregnancy and that the woman who bollocked you told you not to use pregnancy as an excuse, despite you saying it was down to the pressure. I think it’s unreasonable of her to have said that to, plus she’s bypassed your mutual manager, so is not following protocol and is therefore unprofessional.

HappySwordMaker · 29/05/2021 21:48

I admit I haven’t read the full thread, but why the hell has crying or showing emotion become so bloody unacceptable, especially for women? My manager (woman) cried after after a staff meeting in which she cut all our hours, and no part of me thought she was weak or incapable of leadership. She is human, cares about her team and understand our lives. A few years ago, a male police detective (not in the UK) broke down and sobbed during a press conference, after delivering the news they’d finally found a young woman’s body who was the victim of murder. He was a compassionate human being and he and the police force were widely praised and no one declared him weak or unsuitable for the job. It is not weak or some sort of character flaw to feel things deeply - I would have cried, pregnant or not, if a work colleague or manager basically told me I was useless at my job, because I’m a sensitive person.

Do you need more training at your job? Or just to focus more? Either way, it’s pretty shitty that a woman can’t cry in the workplace or anywhere else, and has to somehow justify it if they do out of fear of being seen as some mad unstable loon.

Bluntness100 · 29/05/2021 21:52

Surprised at these responses? Why are you under perfoming so badly at work and causing others issues? And no I don’t buy pregnancy in the first trimester makes you cry in work when challenged on poor performance.

Dora33 · 29/05/2021 21:54

I would talk to your manager about how your colleague gives you feedback on errors.
She brought up your errors and you apologized for them. For her then to continue to go on complainting had no purpose other than being negative. Instead the talk should have been on how these errord would be resolved and on how they could be avoided in the future.
That you ended up responding tearfully does not paint a good picture of your colleague. She was totally out of order to talk about your pregnancy being used as an excuse in the future.

Original poster
ReginaaPhalange · 29/05/2021 21:55

@Bluntness100 I suggest you take the time to read the full thread. You will see I have mentioned lack of training and I have not used pregnancy as an excuse of poor performance.

OP posts:
toiletbrushholder · 29/05/2021 21:56

@1Morewineplease what a load of shite, pregnancy is a protected characteristic.

WeAreTheHeroes · 29/05/2021 21:58

From the OP's posts, she's been given the additional work with no training or guidance and when she's asked for help she's been told to use her initiative. Unsurprisingly, she hasn't got everything right. However the embarrassment of crying in a dressing down meeting with someone who sounds completely unreasonable is the thing she's focusing on.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 29/05/2021 22:02

The only time I've cried at work, I was pregnant. I got caught in the crossfire between two colleagues who hate each other, I knew their anger wasnt at me and I hadn't done anything wrong, and the rational part of my brain wasn't upset. It wasn't even that bad a situation and everyone was surprised about it including me. Of course changing hormones makes you feel more emotional. It's been proven in puberty and menopause so why is pregnancy any different

Lurcherloves · 29/05/2021 22:06

@TwinsAndTrifle gosh you sound like a right b*h
OP was saying she’s been under loads of pressure in her role because she is doing more than she should be. In addition to that she is pregnant. I think the other woman sounds awful too. Maybe you should hook up

QioiioiioQ · 29/05/2021 22:09

time to drop off her radar but start making lots of notes....

Thehawki · 29/05/2021 22:11

I don’t understand why people think that ‘pulling people up on their mistakes’ means berating and bullying. This ‘professional criticism’ guise is absolute shite. Compassion should have been shown, its not hard for any woman to understand that hormones can play a role in our emotions, and it doesn’t sound like she even gave a shit that she criticised you to the point of crying! I would take this up with HR. There is a right way to tell people to get their shit together and this was not it, in fact, she sounds like a bully. Any normal person would have had a conversation, not actively told you off like a school child.

LittleCatDog · 29/05/2021 22:12

100% document this in an email, times, states, quotes, how it made you feel and send to HR and tell your manager! If it happens again raise a grievance, it's completely out of order

QioiioiioQ · 29/05/2021 22:22

If I was treated like that I'd probably Not do anything about it, and then I'd make sure I paid her back in full and with interest.

Muffintopsheretostay · 29/05/2021 22:40

@NeonStones

As a a manager I would be livid with anyone who pulled one of my reports aside and laid into them about anything. She should have spoken to your manager if she was so concerned and had them speak to you. A quiet chat between colleagues to try and address issues is one thing, but this sounds like she went way beyond that.
Fully agree
Muffintopsheretostay · 29/05/2021 22:41

@Bluntness100

Surprised at these responses? Why are you under perfoming so badly at work and causing others issues? And no I don’t buy pregnancy in the first trimester makes you cry in work when challenged on poor performance.
You're such an arse! Tch
Cactusesi · 29/05/2021 22:42

Of course you will make mistakes if you are doing 2 people's work.

Calmate · 29/05/2021 22:45

@ReginaaPhalange
Hello OP, as so many other posters are saying, go to HR and report this "colleague" for bullying. Put it in writing as a grievance and get your union involved if you are in one. When you recount what she said and her general sneery attitude, try to speak or write, as if it had happened to someone else, to try and guard your emotions. She sounds like a total nightmare, and you are not being unreasonable to put your own duties first before you help anyone else.

TheLastLotus · 29/05/2021 22:54

Pregnancy and crying aside - why is she pulling you up for minor mistakes? What was the impact?
Nobody should be 'laying into' anybody who isn't their direct report (and even line managers shouldn't be doing so - you're not children who need telling off). This is very unprofessional behaviour.

user145678945648945645789456 · 29/05/2021 22:59

Hang on, if it's understandable for someone to occasionally be overcome by emotion in the workplace in the form of crying, why is it not understandable for someone else in that workplace who is also under pressure to be overcome by emotion on one occasion in the form of frustration?

Bullying is repeated behaviour intended to intimidate, coerce, upset, etc. Posters on MN are quick to label any moment of frustration (or "emotional outburst" as you put it, op) or less than perfect expression as "bullying" , which helps nobody. This was one single conversation, where one person let frustration overwhelm them and the other let a different emotion overwhelm them.

Op is under pressure due to staff absence. By rushing the tasks this colleague relies upon to do her job and by repeatedly making mistakes, op is passing that pressure onto her. From the way the op sets out that situation it doesn't seem that she has considered or cared about the impact on her colleague of her consistently bodging work - the ongoing stress of that.

Why is that deliberate course of conduct not classed as bullying? Op holds power over this colleague in terms of how achievable & manageable their workload is and has made a repeated choice to make it harder.

Simply being a human being having an off day doesn't make this person a bully, any more than the op crying and exercising poor judgement in bringing her pregnancy into an already overwrought situation makes her manipulative.

Both people behaved in ways that aren't them at their best. It doesn't represent how they are on a normal day. Nobody comes off looking great from this encounter/situation, but that's not the end of the world because as humans that happens!

It would be better for everyone to put this isolated incident behind them rather than using it as an excuse to create some kind of silly feud, trying to get 'revenge', or getting into more arguments.

Besides which, op, if you are blaming the pregnancy for crying then you can't say the fact you cried is evidence her behaviour was the cause. You can't have it both ways.

user145678945648945645789456 · 29/05/2021 23:02

@TheLastLotus

Pregnancy and crying aside - why is she pulling you up for minor mistakes? What was the impact? Nobody should be 'laying into' anybody who isn't their direct report (and even line managers shouldn't be doing so - you're not children who need telling off). This is very unprofessional behaviour.
The impact is that this colleague relies on the work op is sending her way and which the op has made a conscious choice to rush and make mistakes because she doesn't value it. Therefore it affects the colleague's ability to do her job and the pressure she is under.

I'd say that's fairly significant and hardly professional. It would be picked up at my workplace.

Babbly · 29/05/2021 23:10

@Elouera

I agree that she doesn't sound very nice, but it was YOU that used the excuse of being overly emotional on the pregnancy!
I agree with this. She's unnecessarily rude but you did use your pregnancy as an excuse.
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