WIBU - colleague told me not to use pregnancy as an excuse

[ReginaaPhalange]

Not NC for this, don't care if this puts me!

During the week, I had a meeting with another colleague in my team to discuss something that I am involved in at work. It is in my contract to assist with this certain process, but it is not my main task and I am employed for another project.

Basically, she pulled me into an office and laid into me for small mistakes I've been making and I admit I have been and my explanation for that is I am on my own at work (other team member is on long term sick) and I am feeling the pressure with trying to make progress and meet targets. I did explain this to her but she just went on and on saying that the minor mistakes I made are not what she expects from the level of someone on my salary. I agree. I admitted to her that I am trying to get her small part of the process done quickly so I can go back to my main job and work on that.

Anyway, I got out of character very emotional and started crying - she just looked at me, sighed and shook her head then went back to laying into me.

She told me she's feeding this convo back to the main boss - fine, she's entitled to as the process I am involved in contributes to her main job.

At the end of the meeting, I apologised for getting overly emotional and told her that I would be telling my colleagues today that I am in my first trimester of pregnancy so clearly my emotions are all over the place just now and again apologised for the out of character emotional outburst.

Her reply? "Well having never gone what you're going through, and having no desire to ever do, I don't expect you to use your pregnancy as an excuse to continue making mistakes and I want to see improvement from you".

I have had time to reflect on the chat but to be honest, I'm actually angry at her comment about me using my pregnancy as an excuse.

WIBU to pull her up about it on Monday and tell her that her comments were completely unacceptable and I will not tolerate someone speaking like that to me, pregnant or not?

Feel free to tell me that I am being overly sensitive and that IABU. I won't cry (much 😉)

I have been a manager of multiple teams and if one of my staff had behaved like that to another, her feet would not have touched. Its exceeding her authority and bullying. In your situation, i would have expected her to go to her (and your) manager and express her concerns.

She was a bullying cow

Bullying a pregnant woman. She's a piece of work.
You didn't use your pregnancy as an excuse for your work. It merely explained your emotional outburst.

That bitch can fuck off.

She had no right to speak like that to you, she should have sent you an email and Cced your manager into it. That's bullying behavior, saying "I hope you don't use your pregnancy as an excuse". Did you use your pregnancy as an excuse? No. So what's the point in saying something inflammatory like that? To someone who's so obviously distressed no less. You should make a complaint immediately, she sounds like a sadistic individual who's probably using bullying tactics each time she thinks she can get away with it.

As others have suggested I would raise this as a grievance with HR. Make sure you write everything down.

We’re there any witnesses to this incident?

[quote ReginaaPhalange]@MaMelon she gave me hardly any notice of the items in question. When I done research into it (she emailed after I left work and the meeting was 1hr after starting time the next day), some of the mistakes on the list weren't even mine, or the errors she highlighted "e.g you were meant to send the question to this dept", and I had! But I couldn't ask her on this cause she was fixated on a couple of the items that I had made small mistakes on. No feedback whatsoever! [/quote]
She sounds like a bit of a hard cow which doesn't help you.

Don't fall into the trap of taking the rap for all of the mistakes and let her know on an email, one by one which small mistakes you own and the reasons for this ie more work for you as your colleague is off sick.

Speak to your manager too, tell her whats happened and maybe ask for a review to put your mind at rest and do some next steps so you take back some control. Xxx

@MoiraNotRuby

Fucking hell she sounds atrocious.

Her personal stance on having children is completely irrelevant to the situation, its totally inappropriate for her to raise it. You clearly weren't blaming the minor mistakes on pregnancy when you'd already explained you are short staffed.

She's not your manager. If I was your manager I'd be fuming with her!

Congratulations on your pregnancy. And let me guess, is your missing colleague off with stress by any chance?...

Thats exactly what i thought! Has she stressed the other colleague out too?

@Pebbledashery

I've just left a job due to work place bullying from my CEO.. She was completely out of order.. BUT you shouldn't have mentioned your pregnancy at all. Especially early pregnancy. She didn't have to know. You didn't use your pregnancy as an excuse for mistakes, but there was no reason at all to mention it to her.

She did have a reason to mention it as she was a bit emotional and out of character for her. Give the girl a break! X

i wouldnt let a team member talk to me that way, i would professionally tell them to watch their tone.

very recently i had a situation where there was a misundertanding - i hadn't done anything wrong. but i apologised ( the situation was being used to assert dominance, the actual subject matter was unimportant - so benign that it wasn;t on my radar at all)

my colleague laid into me in a zoom mtg with another colleague whom i'd never met before also in the mtg. I apologised for the misunderstanding - but she wouldnt let it go and kept on and on and bloody on. so i professionally yet sternly ( mum voice) said " i have apologised. i do not want to discuss this further as it is not productive. Of course he was momentarily stunned before starting going over it again so i said " i must with all due respect interrupt. i have stated that this is unproductive, i have apologised, we need to move on."

as a manager i very much dislike cryers. i am a very understanding accomodating boss - i try not to be a cowbag, i try to treat others the way i would like to be treated. But i think crying is emotional manipulation and i have zero tolerance. but she isn't your manager. and i think i would be more sympthetic with a pregnant cryer. She sounds like a horrible colleague. you should make sure that you cover your own back though, if the mistakes are being made becuase you are very busy and underresourced, you should put these concerns in an email to your manager before you get brought in under the capability policy. also remember pregnancy is a protected charicteristic so you should look up your works policies on this btw. in short, if someone is being ovverbering and rude, professionally pull them on it they have no right to. i love the phrase " did you mean to say that" or " did you mean to say it like that" are great phrased. but once ive apologised - move on. i remember about 15 years ago i parked rther inconsideratley at work as i was in a rush, someone pulled me on it - thats fair, i apologised - i was genuinley just running in to get a big box into my car i didnt want to carry a long distance. but this guy went on and on and on - so again i said "ive apologised, this is no longer a productive conversation" and drove away. it the way these things are broached, not that they are brought up. you deserve to get pulled if your work is shit, but its the manner in which it's done. one human should not be able to treat another this way. i learned that the hard way after years of bullying at one old job, never again will i let another professional talk to me in a shit way

@ReginaaPhalange Contact ACAS to confirm, but sounds to me like she broke Equality Act 2010. Go to your manager and HR. She sounds like a very unhappy bully, get support to stand up to her.

@Bluntness100

Surprised at these responses? Why are you under perfoming so badly at work and causing others issues? And no I don’t buy pregnancy in the first trimester makes you cry in work when challenged on poor performance.

Shes not under performing at work. She made a couple of minor mistakes and has been wrongly blamed for others.

This app is for supporting women and mums so why are you here?

I've only read the OP's posts.

From that it is clear that the errors are deriving from that fact that OP is carrying out two employee's roles with 'no training' in some areas.

The company are apparently trying to get 2 employees work out of 1 person, and without offering appropriate training for the role.

This is the fault of the manager and the company.

You need to be clear OP that this is too much work for 1 person and it is unreasonable to be expected to cover 2 roles with insufficient training. If you don't say that they will not know.

The whole pregnancy crying rudeness is really a sideshow.

If management have 1 long term sick and another pregnant - if you resign they will be 2 men down and up shit creek.

You have more clout than you think in this scenario.

I'm going to get shot down in masses of flames for this but shouldn't we be encouraging society to accept that women who work whilst pregnant are different in some ways be emotionally and/or otherwise. I hate the idea that women have to pretend to be like men all the time. We are not men, but they're no better than us and I think pretending all the way through the creation of a new life that nothing is different merely inflates male egos that somehow because they can shoot and run and nothing changes that women are inferior to them!

Baby brain... maybe she is making mistakes because of the pregnancy?

I know my head completely went when i was pregnant i didnt know what i was doing

You didn't use your pregnancy as an excuse, you used it as your reason for being emotional. How dare she speak to you like that.

@ReginaaPhalange
Congrats on your pregnancy.
Your colleague is a bit of a bully for sure.
I've got a view on this whole idea of you making mistakes though.
There's a member of staff who has a (presumably full-time but perhaps not?) and you are being expected to do their work and yours?
That just doesn't compute. I'm fed up with workplaces just assuming other people can soak up extra work and that it doesn't require extra support or training.
Then there's a mistake. Hardly a surprise.

So I'd focus on that with your manager. Say you're happy to help out but that the workload is higher than expected and that you need support.
Say also that you found your colleague very aggressive, you got more upset than you usually would because of your hormones and that you'd prefer she didn't speak to you like that again as given you are both on the same team you should be working together, not in conflict with each other.
Good luck.

How dare she take you to one side and say that!
She isn’t your manager and that’s not her role. You cried, nothing wrong with that, pregnant or not. Speak with your manager and tell her all about this.
Best of luck.

@Duemarch2021

Baby brain... maybe she is making mistakes because of the pregnancy?

I know my head completely went when i was pregnant i didnt know what i was doing

I think the OP made it clear that the minor errors were made due to lack of staff and training, not related to her pregnancy.

When I was pregnant, someone at work tried to accuse me of doing something I hadn't, when I denied this they said I must have baby brain therefore forgotten I did the thing they were accusing me of!

@Custardo
Why would you assume crying is a manipulative act? To have a zero tolerance approach towards crying is unkind, we are human not robots. And it's because of managers with an attitude like yours that people feel compelled to explain and apologise for crying, like OP disclosing her pregnancy. Unless a staff member is having frequent emotional outbursts in front of the whole team or spending the entire shift in tears, then so what. And who can blame someone for crying when they have been treated appallingly at work?

@Custardo
Two things

• you are much less likely to have someone emotional in front you if you don’t start with bullying them and putting them in a corner
• crying is NOT the same as emotional manipulation

Op if she continued laying into you whilst you got upset that is something that needs to be taken further.
It is not on.

Unbelievable that this woman gets away with treating people like that. She’s not a manager she’s a bully! Disgusting behavior! I agree with PP, she needs reporting to HR and senior manager!

I don’t think being pregnant is an excuse for making mistakes. It sounds like you’ve made a few. If this is because they are expecting you to do the work of two people then that’s an issue that clearly needs addressing.

As for her being a complete bitch to you, I do think women generally have an issue with other women being lacking in empathy towards other women who are pregnant. Personally I have an issue with anyone lacking in empathy for any reason. I wonder whether there is an underlying reason for her coldness, or whether she’s just super efficient and expects everyone else to be the same.

Going forward you’re going to have to put your tough girl pants on and keep your emotions under control or it’s going to be a long few months for you. I would put in writing to a higher up boss the ways in which you found her to be lacking and unsympathetic. She definitely needs pulling up on it.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Hope all goes well.

@freecuthbert because of years of experience. i can have little time for it and not be unkind - they are not the same thing.

@DreamingNow my opinion is (not including pregnancy and hormones and speaking more generally) . in a professional environment, giving negative feedback in a constructive manner ( not like the bullying the op described) should not elicit tears and i have little time for it.

in this circumstance the bully colleague was also not professional. on that we agree and i stated this above

@Bluntness100

Surprised at these responses? Why are you under perfoming so badly at work and causing others issues? And no I don’t buy pregnancy in the first trimester makes you cry in work when challenged on poor performance

A couple of minor errors isn’t the same as underperforming badly, is it?

She explained that she made errors because she is short staffed. Is there something about that you don’t understand?

And you may not “buy” that pregnancy makes you cry, but hormonal changes and excessive tiredness during early pregnancy are medical facts. Unless all the doctors are wrong and you know something they don’t.

OP your boss sounds like a pathetic little jobsworth who has pounced on your mistakes as an excuse to take someone else down, and make herself feel important. She’s pathetic. Much like some of the posters on this thread.

I’ll bet she has nothing going for her outside of work.