WIBU - colleague told me not to use pregnancy as an excuse

[ReginaaPhalange]

Not NC for this, don't care if this puts me!

During the week, I had a meeting with another colleague in my team to discuss something that I am involved in at work. It is in my contract to assist with this certain process, but it is not my main task and I am employed for another project.

Basically, she pulled me into an office and laid into me for small mistakes I've been making and I admit I have been and my explanation for that is I am on my own at work (other team member is on long term sick) and I am feeling the pressure with trying to make progress and meet targets. I did explain this to her but she just went on and on saying that the minor mistakes I made are not what she expects from the level of someone on my salary. I agree. I admitted to her that I am trying to get her small part of the process done quickly so I can go back to my main job and work on that.

Anyway, I got out of character very emotional and started crying - she just looked at me, sighed and shook her head then went back to laying into me.

She told me she's feeding this convo back to the main boss - fine, she's entitled to as the process I am involved in contributes to her main job.

At the end of the meeting, I apologised for getting overly emotional and told her that I would be telling my colleagues today that I am in my first trimester of pregnancy so clearly my emotions are all over the place just now and again apologised for the out of character emotional outburst.

Her reply? "Well having never gone what you're going through, and having no desire to ever do, I don't expect you to use your pregnancy as an excuse to continue making mistakes and I want to see improvement from you".

I have had time to reflect on the chat but to be honest, I'm actually angry at her comment about me using my pregnancy as an excuse.

WIBU to pull her up about it on Monday and tell her that her comments were completely unacceptable and I will not tolerate someone speaking like that to me, pregnant or not?

Feel free to tell me that I am being overly sensitive and that IABU. I won't cry (much 😉)

I would speak to the manager and not get into any other conversation with her. I hope everything goes okay for you.

@ReginaaPhalange please if you are in a union, please contact them and pursue this! 💯 this is not how she should be treating you whether or not you are pregnant!!

I'm glad you are going to formally complain, her behaviour is appalling.

The fact you are pregnant and not taking your legal breaks is very poor.

Blaming you for mistakes that weren't yours and questioning your decision to have a family, not being a a choice she would make is astounding.

This woman is not your boss.
She has massively fxxked up and I agree with others, bullet point exactly what has occurred, tell your boss you expect to be protected from this colleague AND what are they going to do re your workload and supporting you so that you get to take your LEGAL breaks.

Provide as much detail as possible.

Involve HR.
Papertrails are your friend in these situations.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I will update tomorrow!

You made the mistakes, and you admit that you're trying to get her bit of work done as quickly as possible so you can get back to the main bit?? I can see why she's upset. Maybe she's been spending time correcting your errors for ages and has just lost patience. And it's unprofessional to blame pregnancy for making mistakes. How long have you been making these mistakes?

But she does sound like she could have handled it better.

Sorry - hadn't seen your later messages. So you weren't using pg as an excuse for the mistakes. But if a drip feed that she has form for this, that she waited months to tell you about errors and that other staff have problems with her too..

talk to your boss and let them know how unprofessional she has been.

@Yokey

I don't think you being pregnant (congrats btw) or her telling you that pregnancy is no excuse for sloppy work (correct) is the real issue here. Personally I would drop that aspect so as not to cloud the actual issue, which is that she spoke to you unprofessionally and in a seemingly irate manner. Certainly not constructive and could be considered bullying.

I think bringing your pregnancy into it if you were to share your concerns could seem like you want special treatment (i.e. she shouldn't have spoken to you like that because you're pregnant). It might also seem like you were in fact using your pregnancy as an excuse. It shouldn't really be brought into it imo.

I agree with this. Pregnancy is a side issue here, and should not be allowed to cloud the issue, which is her behaviour.

Good luck tomorrow ReginaaPhalange. There’s been some fantastic advice on this thread and I hope it all goes well. Remember, you are not in the wrong here

@MaMelon I have the feeling this will all be turned towards me. She has been there for years and has great relationships with our manager.

I will go with the approach of emailing her and attaching the summary sheet with my explanations which she didn't allow me to discuss in full, e.g. wasn't me who logged that, or I've done what you said there, not sure what the issue is, then as a final note I will say, in reference to your comment regarding the hope that I don't use my pregnancy as an excuse for any future mistakes, I found your comment to be highly inappropriate and I would appreciate if you did not make any more unprofessional comments towards me in future. I will be sharing the content of this email with X (our manager).

Pregnancy was brought into as the OP got very upset at being spoken to like shit about mistakes, some of which were not hers.
She explained her crying and getting upset on being pregnant and then had to put up with her lecturing colleague, not her boss tell her that her personal life choices weren't ones she would choose and not to use them as an excuse.

She's a cheeky bitch and she needs reporting.

The OP didn't ask for her approval for her life choices.

She sounds like a deeply unpleasant woman who should have involved her boss too, if she had such a problem with all ghat the OP is doing.

OP, when had you last eaten???

Lack of food whilst pregnant wouldn't be helpful to how you were feeling and could leave you lightheaded and emotional,but then you aren't getting to take food breaks.

HR need to be informed as believe it or not companies have a duty of care towards their employees.

In which case you may need to take it to HR Regina - she can’t be allowed to hide behind your manager

YANBU Pregnant or not there is a way to speak to people. If you made a mistake and this needs to be addressed fine address it but do that in a respectful and professional way. Its irrelevant if she does or does not want to experience what you are experiencing. Telling you she hopes you do not use it as an excuse is not on either. If you doing that at a later stage then she can address that respectfully and professionally at that time. Definitely address it with her. If you don't this will not be the last of this behaviour from her. She wouldn't speak to her boss like that. Be respectful and professional stick to the facts don't get into how it made you feel. Just tell her you have no issue with her raising concerns over the mistakes which you accept but you found her unprofessional and her comments were inappropriate and you won't be spoken to like that.

@WeAllHaveWings

In our office she would be in trouble both speaking to you like that, then continuing when you were obviously distressed. They do not tolerate bullying in any form. Speak to your manager and HR.

Pregnancy aside, this was her first mistake. If you had apologised and a plan put in place to rectify mistakes, which you had admitted, then carrying on was plain bullying. As soon as your emotional response became extreme she should have stopped and made you comfortable. That is worth a complaint. The pregnancy comment was personal and separate from this. Both need to be challenged.

I haven't read all this yet but I will later. You are only just pregnant and this woman has started already. You need to deal with this now - ASAP. She will only get worse, whatever her problem is, it must be nipped in the bud right now. I have been self employed for years so I am not up to date with employment laws and pregnancy but I am sure in this day and age this is defintely not acceptable and she needs to understand that without delay. It is bullying.

I will go with the approach of emailing her and attaching the summary sheet with my explanations which she didn't allow me to discuss in full
PLEASE don't email the bully manager!!! You will just be giving her further ammunition.
This list should be sent to YOUR own manager/HR.

In addition, this woman took you into a closed room and harrangued you ignoring your attempts to answer her complaints and contiued bullying you until you cried.
Then sneered at your "excuse".

Whether she had a real complaint or not. There is no justification for for continuing after she had reduced a colleague to tears.

If she corners you again, demanding to speak to you in a closed door environment you must refuse and insist that anything she has to say to you can be said in front of your own manager. She cannot be allowed to treat you like this again.
I hope you are able to resolve this and stay healthy during your pregnancy.

I agree with @lazystar

She was very rude and condescending towards you in the first place - might have made me cry and I’m not pregnant.

Then using your pregnancy against you is unacceptable and I would make a complaint to HR and demand they take it seriously or you’ll take it further- this is discrimination based on a medical condition and that’s not on.

Also by the sounds of it she’s not only a nasty bully but sounds like she’s jealous of you.

Another thing to consider. She deliberately sent you the list with little notice for you to be able to formulate a measured response with evidence etc, having spent some time pulling it together it seems. It seems to me she was determined to pull the rug from under you, you must let your boss and HR know. In future she needs to go to your boss

[quote ReginaaPhalange]@MaMelon I have the feeling this will all be turned towards me. She has been there for years and has great relationships with our manager.

I will go with the approach of emailing her and attaching the summary sheet with my explanations which she didn't allow me to discuss in full, e.g. wasn't me who logged that, or I've done what you said there, not sure what the issue is, then as a final note I will say, in reference to your comment regarding the hope that I don't use my pregnancy as an excuse for any future mistakes, I found your comment to be highly inappropriate and I would appreciate if you did not make any more unprofessional comments towards me in future. I will be sharing the content of this email with X (our manager).[/quote]
I think the one person you should be contacting is your boss.

It’s clearly that she is a bully. Do you really think you will be able to solve this through a reasonable discussion? Bullies don’t do reasonable.
You would only give her more opportunities to show you ‘how crap you are’

I think you need to speak to your manager about:

1. being berated by colleague
2. being under too much pressure due to staff sickness
3. training/supervision having been inadequate
4. colleague's comments regarding your pregnancy

All of it will get worse if you don't make this known and understood by your manager.

Even forgetting the pregnancy comment, she's a bully.
A manager should not be allowed to get away with speaking to someone like that, and someone who is not your manager DEFINITELY shouldn't.

I wouldn't engage further with her. I'd contact your manager with your summary of your explanations and her comments (not just about your pregnancy). Make clear you want HR involved too.

And I meant to say, as TheChiefJo's post has reminded me! – definitely bring up pressure due to staff sickness and inadequate training/supervision.

Agree don't engage further with her and go directly to your manager.

Having never been pregnant she can't possibly understand how much being pregnant can mess with your brain. I got soo forgetful while carrying my 3 DC.
Not to mention tired and emotional. I don't think your BU at all. Of you can't mention the fact your pregnant; she can't either!