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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know what to do with DH at weekends?

329 replies

Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 17:59

I might be being a bit UR here. Feel free to tell me so, nicely would be preferred!

This sounds a bit brutal but to be blunt DH feels a bit surplus to requirements. During the week I have a nice little routine going with DD (6 months.) We do as much as possible with baby classes and when we aren’t there we go for long walks in the pram or sling.

Then the weekend comes and it takes DH until around 10/11 to wake up, then another couple of hours faffing around deciding what we want to do and we always end up on a walk. And tbh after the last year I have really fallen out of love with walking.

And what can I do about it? I’ve tried suggesting stuff we could do but he umms and ahhs and then it is booked up!

OP posts:
Ellpellwood · 29/05/2021 20:02

Well unfortunately as loads of people suggested just booking it for a time to give him an incentive, and you can't, it's relevant.

TimeForTeaAndG · 29/05/2021 20:03

Cross-posted with your update. Continue being poor with a lazy DH, he won't change and we can't suggest anything if you aren't open to the suggestions.

KidneyBeans · 29/05/2021 20:06

@Sheeeeeep

Kidney tbh I wasn’t ignoring you on purpose.

This is probably ridiculously British but I’m really not comfortable discussing money. So I’d rather draw a line on that discussion.

I am not being financially abused and I do have access to money but my money is very limited, as it would be as I’m not earning anything ATM.

I don’t want to discuss it, it’s personal (I’m pretty sure it’s generally accepted that finances and health are private and yeah it’s anon and all but still ... I’m not OK with it. OK? Smile)

@Sheeeeeep

I haven't suggested that you're being financially abused and I haven't asked you any specific questions about your finances.

I've asked:

What does he pay for your child and her activities?
(And related to that, would he pay for your farm visit)
When does he parent her?
Why does he (and you) think it's acceptable for you and you alone to receive reduced income and pension whilst raising your joint child?

Perhaps if we can understand your thinking and relationship then we can give you better advice

At the moment you seem to be fairly defensive. No one can advise you if you aren't willing to have a discussion

Dishwashersaurous · 29/05/2021 20:06

You are being financially abused.

You are not earning because you are looking after his child and yet you have no access to any of his money. Not even £14 for a farm visit.

It may not be his intentions but that is the consequence.

If you don't want to do a joint account then tell him that as everything has to be booked in advance now, restaurants, galleries etc because of social distance etc that you need to book and pay for things in advance. So if he transfers you say 200 a month then you can do the organising.

Alternatively you put things on your credit card and he pays it off.

Original poster
Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 20:07

@Ellpellwood

Well unfortunately as loads of people suggested just booking it for a time to give him an incentive, and you can't, it's relevant.
Yeah I do get that but I do think seven pages later if you (general you not you personally!) won’t accept different couples do things differently then it’s time to move on!

kidney but most of that is about my finances tbf.

OP posts:
JellyTumble · 29/05/2021 20:07

You are being financially abused.

You should have joint finances.

You should expect better.

Original poster
Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 20:08

I can assure you I’m not being financially abused and I’m not afraid of DH. I’m just not in the habit of saying fuck off to people!

OP posts:
Motherissues2020 · 29/05/2021 20:09

I get that you wouldn't ask OP, but (if I try and think the best of your DH) maybe he doesn't realise you don't have £14 for a farm park visit. Is it possible he thinks you've got enough money but aren't that bothered either. Maybe he'd be horrified you don't have enough money and would want to rectify things. I'd talk to him honestly about money and see where you stand.

Also, you're married and have a baby. He has literally promised to share all he has with you. Your baby isnt only yours, they are his too. That's what marriage is about, sharing things, sharing good times, bad times, money, your life. Yes there are always compromises, but I would never leave my DH short if I had money because I love him and he would never do that to me.

Have the conversation. He should want to help.

Ickythefirebobby · 29/05/2021 20:09

Blimey what kind of parent wakes up at 10 or 11am when they have a young baby. More fool you for letting him sleep in that late.

cocoloco987 · 29/05/2021 20:09

No, we’ve never told each other to fuck off and it shows what you think of us that you think that’s normal.

I'm sure that comment wasn't serious. But if you sat on Friday night and said DH can I have your card as I'm booking farm park for tomorrow for us all, what would he say?

Original poster
Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 20:09

He probably doesn’t, I’m the one who should be saying ‘oi im skint’ but tbh it’s hard enough doing that on here.

OP posts:
JellyTumble · 29/05/2021 20:10

@KidneyBeans I don’t think he actually does parent her Confused

And OP let’s that happen and uses the excuse she’ll miss baby when she goes back off mat leave. And of course she will, but that doesn’t mean her DP gets a free pass on parenting.

notanothertakeaway · 29/05/2021 20:10

@TownTalkJewels

Ask him to plan things!

I can’t abide by men who expect women to do all the life admin. If he wants to be entertained, that’s his responsibility.

To be fair, perhaps OP'S DH is happy with a lie in, relaxed morning, followed by a walk. And, in a long term relationship, compromise is important. OP's preference isn't the only way to live
MrsTerryPratchett · 29/05/2021 20:10

What do you thing financial abuse looks like OP?

Original poster
Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 20:10

Oh, he’d almost certainly tell me I had to have DD for all of Sunday to earn the £14 I had demanded from his cold, tightly drawn fist.

OP posts:
KidneyBeans · 29/05/2021 20:11

@Sheeeeeep

No it's about your thoughts, values and relationship

What does he do in terms of parenting? how is that financial?

Asking you if your partner would give you a sum of money for a joint outing is about your relationship not your finances

Asking why you and he think it's acceptable for you to be penalised for your biology is a question about your values not your finances

Confused
Shadedog · 29/05/2021 20:12

No, we’ve never told each other to fuck off and it shows what you think of us that you think that’s normal.

Believe me, I don’t think ANYTHING about your circumstances is normal. You can’t or won’t ask the father of your child for £14. You have no access to family money. That’s so abnormal I don’t even know where to start.

Ellpellwood · 29/05/2021 20:12

@Sheeeeeep

He probably doesn’t, I’m the one who should be saying ‘oi im skint’ but tbh it’s hard enough doing that on here.
You're MARRIED. Fgs. DH was the one checking my episiotomy stitches and I wouldn't be up for posting those on here for opinions. Grin Talk to him!
cocoloco987 · 29/05/2021 20:12

Oh, he’d almost certainly tell me I had to have DD for all of Sunday to earn the £14 I had demanded from his cold, tightly drawn fist.

But I'm actually interested in what the real answer would be, not the one deflecting from the reality with an attempt at humour

KidneyBeans · 29/05/2021 20:12

@Sheeeeeep

He probably doesn’t, I’m the one who should be saying ‘oi im skint’ but tbh it’s hard enough doing that on here.
If you aren't willing to talk why bother to start a thread? Confused

It sounds like you don't even want to be honest with your partner - so what exactly are you expecting from a bunch of strangers on the internet ?

Original poster
Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 20:12

Great when you come on MN to have a whinge and get told you’re a freak of nature and doomed for all time isn’t it Hmm

OP posts:
AbsolutelyPatsy · 29/05/2021 20:13

i think you need to book things in advance op, during the week, or even the weekend before.

i have booked this.

Original poster
Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 20:13

kidney because the thing I wanted to talk about isn’t and instead I’m being pushed to talk about money, which as I’ve explained I’m really not OK with (sorry, I don’t mean to be arsey but I can’t think how else to put it.)

OP posts:
KidneyBeans · 29/05/2021 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 29/05/2021 20:14

you can turn up at a pub