To think my friend doesn’t want me as a bridesmaid because of my size...?

[Dandylioness1]

One of my very close friends got engaged a few months ago.

We’ve been friends for a long time and over the years she has always made references to me being a bridesmaid when she gets married.

This afternoon she tagged 4 friends on Facebook
introducing them as her “team bride”.

I felt really upset about it, but still, I messaged her to say congratulations on the team bride.

She replied saying she really wanted me to be a part of it but it wouldn’t have been right for me.
I replied asking her what she meant by that.

(SEE THE SCREENSHOT OF HER REPLY)

Last year I had a baby and I’ve gained weight since becoming pregnant (nearly 3stone ) I do feel awful about myself, which I’ve told my friend several times.

I appreciate she thinks she’s taking my feelings into consideration, but I feel so hurt at her reasons for not asking me to be a bridesmaid.

All 4 girls she’s picked are super stick thin (as is my friend) maybe size 8/10’s, I’m a size 16/18 and I can’t help but feel I’d ruin the “image” if she picked me and that’s exactly why she hasn’t asked me.

She is right that I wouldn’t feel great in that dress right now, but her wedding isn’t until May next year which would’ve given me plenty of time to lose some weight!!

AIBU to think she doesn’t want me in her team bride because of how I look, she’s thinking more about having “perfect” pictures, and just using my feelings as an excuse?

I would reply something along the lines of ' you know what, I'd wear a sack for you, because you're my friend. I'd understand your sentiment if you'd at least given me an opportunity to refuse your dream bridesmaid dress, but it seems that your wedding photos mean more to you than our friendship. So yes I understand completely ❤️. '

Jesus that's brutal!! I had 2 bridesmaids, size 16/18. Couldn't have cared less about their size, both dear friends and both looked beautiful. We picked the dresses together. Sounds like instagram perfect photos are more important to her than you are. I don't think I would want to attend the wedding! for you op, that's a really shit thing for her to do.

No dress is more important than a friend! She could have looked at different style dresses that flatter different sizes/ shapes but gone for all the same colour so all her bridesmaids are happy . I'm sorry this has happened to you. When my sister got married her other bridesmaids were all size 6-8 and wanted off the shoulder dresses, I wasn't comfortable with having not straps as am a size 12-14 snd had bigger boobs than the other bridesmaids- no problem I had little straps snd they all had strapless dresses It wasn't an issue snd everyone felt great

She is NOT your friend. What a cruel message to send. I can understand why you are upset, I would be too.

I think you've had a lucky escape. You don't need to be bridesmaid for someone so shallow and mean.
When I got married I would have gone out of my way to ensure my bridesmaid was happy in her dress because she means something to me, and I wanted her by my side.

If I was you I wouldn't be going to her wedding full stop, and I'd be ending contact. You don't need someone like that in your life.

@Aprilwasverywet

Just message that you are more than happy to wear the dress of her choice. Whatever the size dress it may be... Tell her that your i friendship overrides any low esteem feelings you may have about your post baby weight.. Make her squirm.

I was going to say don't reply- silence is your friend here.

If you do want to reply, say this!

She’s decided that dresses are more important than people. That’s what it comes down to.

Wow. That is not a friend! You don’t pick bridesmaids based on the bloody dresses! You’re better off without her to be honest, I bet she’ll be a nightmare bridezilla. Team bride, so cringe < not envy

I'm actually speechless someone could be this self absorbed, that she actually thinks the message she's sent you is somewhat sensitive and caring about your feelings.

I'd not even reply and cut ties. I'm so sorry for you

@NailsNeedDoing

I don’t think your fiend sounds like an awful person, she just doesn’t want her wedding to create stress for you. You say you’d have had time to lose weight, but would you really have wanted to be put in a position where you felt like you had to do that for someone’s wedding? There would be all the stress of alterations and worrying that you had to be a certain size for the dress that has been ordered, that’s a lot of pressure and there’s a fair chance of failure because losing weight is hard!

Your friend is right that you should be at her wedding feeling happy and in a place where you can be supportive rather than worrying about how you look, as it obviously is a big deal to you. You’re not wrong to feel hurt, but I don’t think your friend has done anything wrong either.

But why should OP have to lose weight to be a bridesmaid 🤦🏻‍♀️

It sounds like OP would like to lose weight, which is fine.

But if she doesn't, it should be totally cool for her to be there, celebrating with her friend - it's what this friend (thundering bitch) should want. Figure, size, type of dress - irrelevant.

Are you actually saying that someone who isn't size 8/10 can't be comfortable around people that size?

Of course not; what I asked was whether OP would feel uncomfortable, bearing in mind what she's said about feeling so bad about herself

"Maybe you could have asked me how I'd feel about wearing that dress, rather than assume you know how I'd feel? For the record, you assumed wrong"

If she'd asked you first, and you'd expressed that you felt uncomfortable in any dress, then fair enough.
She hasn't asked you, other than in her own head, and then given herself your answer from herself.

She's not your friend. This isn't how true, close, friends behave. I can't ever imagine sending a message like that to an actual friend. Or even an enemy. What a cow.

I don’t think your fiend sounds like an awful person, she just doesn’t want her wedding to create stress for you.

Bollocks. If she didn’t want the wedding to create stress, she’d have gone with a dress that OP felt fabulous in.

Her ‘dream’ dresses, and having mannequins to wear them, were more important to her than her friend.

Who chooses who is bridesmaid based on who fits in the bridesmaids dresses?! So weird. I really want to see these dresses now. They must be amazing! But then that would upstage the bride. So maybe they are hideous.

As for replying back to your friend screenshot a few of the replies from here 😉

I'd lose the weight and turn up to her wedding in a white gown.

That's so awful, I'm sorry OP I had 5 bridesmaids, all different shapes, sizes, ages from 13 to 30. I picked them all because I wanted them with me on my special day. I took them shopping, told them to try on whatever dresses they thought they'd like to so long as they were navy. They did all settle on the same one but if they'd chosen all different ones, that would have been fine too. My dsis wasn't quite comfortable in the smaller size she tried on but said she wanted to try and lose a bit of weight so it was more comfortable but said she wasn't sure she'd manage. I sourced the next size for her and let her choose which one she wanted nearer the time, it cost me extra to buy an extra dress but I just wanted everyone to he comfortable and happy. Two were trying for babies and I'd have paid to alter the dresses if either had been far along enough to need it. I absolutely had no idea that people had "dream bridesmaid dresses". You can do so much better than her, please don't let her get you down

She is absolutely not your friend. I have bought my two friends bridesmaids dresses in a larger size and will pay for them to be adjusted to look good. I've let them choose what they think will look nice. One of them is being funny with me but that's a different story. My point is your 'friend' is an insensitive bitch and all this 'team bride' crap is shallow bullshit. She doesn't deserve you as a bridesmaid.

@NailsNeedDoing

I don’t think your fiend sounds like an awful person, she just doesn’t want her wedding to create stress for you. You say you’d have had time to lose weight, but would you really have wanted to be put in a position where you felt like you had to do that for someone’s wedding? There would be all the stress of alterations and worrying that you had to be a certain size for the dress that has been ordered, that’s a lot of pressure and there’s a fair chance of failure because losing weight is hard!

Your friend is right that you should be at her wedding feeling happy and in a place where you can be supportive rather than worrying about how you look, as it obviously is a big deal to you. You’re not wrong to feel hurt, but I don’t think your friend has done anything wrong either.

@NailsNeedDoing

I actually think I work quite well under pressure

A few days ago I bought myself some sports wear, i’m going to start doing some walking / work outs on an evening. The intention has always been there to get them weight off, for myself, but it’s always good to have something to aim for too, right?

Wow.
Fucking hell.

I'm not sure how you could be friends with her after this. She didn't even ask you to be bridesmaid, just plonked a status on Facebook announcing everyone else that she'd asked!! She didn't give a flying fuck about hurting your feelings. You are supposed to be one of her really good friends. That is so awful.

I am so angry for you. Please don't write anything nice back. Tell her how she has made you feel and then I would genuinely move on. I could not be friends with someone as vile as that.

I wouldn't reply to say "message received loud and clear." Or as PP said send her a link to this thread. Then don't even bother going to her wedding.

My DD iss a size 6. Her BMs ranged from size 6 to18. They all looked gorgeous and so happy.

Your friend is a cow, OP.

How awful of her

As someone else just said - I would 100% not go to the wedding. Get rid of her