To think my friend doesn’t want me as a bridesmaid because of my size...?

[Dandylioness1]

One of my very close friends got engaged a few months ago.

We’ve been friends for a long time and over the years she has always made references to me being a bridesmaid when she gets married.

This afternoon she tagged 4 friends on Facebook
introducing them as her “team bride”.

I felt really upset about it, but still, I messaged her to say congratulations on the team bride.

She replied saying she really wanted me to be a part of it but it wouldn’t have been right for me.
I replied asking her what she meant by that.

(SEE THE SCREENSHOT OF HER REPLY)

Last year I had a baby and I’ve gained weight since becoming pregnant (nearly 3stone ) I do feel awful about myself, which I’ve told my friend several times.

I appreciate she thinks she’s taking my feelings into consideration, but I feel so hurt at her reasons for not asking me to be a bridesmaid.

All 4 girls she’s picked are super stick thin (as is my friend) maybe size 8/10’s, I’m a size 16/18 and I can’t help but feel I’d ruin the “image” if she picked me and that’s exactly why she hasn’t asked me.

She is right that I wouldn’t feel great in that dress right now, but her wedding isn’t until May next year which would’ve given me plenty of time to lose some weight!!

AIBU to think she doesn’t want me in her team bride because of how I look, she’s thinking more about having “perfect” pictures, and just using my feelings as an excuse?

I wouldn’t bother replying. What can you say to that? Don’t appease her by thanking her for trying to save your feelings etc. That’s not what she’s doing.

If you wanted motivation like a wedding to lose weight you still have it. Turn up slim in a gorgeous white dress 😛 only joking of course but seriously don’t let her put you down. Choosing bridesmaids on aesthetics is just shallow. She’s not a good person based on these actions.

Wow. 8 pages, so I can't add anything but .............. she is not living in the real world. She wants an instagramable wedding and she thinks that it's worth hurting a REAL friend in her real life to have an aesthetically instagrammable wedding.

@Pottedpalm

What would you think of a bride who excluded a friend because the style of dress chosen would reveal extensive tattoos, and she didn’t like that ‘look’?

If I were the bride, I'd change the dress style to cover the tattoos, but I'd still keep the friend as a bridesmaid.

AIBU to think she doesn’t want me in her team bride because of how I look, she’s thinking more about having “perfect” pictures

I'm inclined to think it's this too, sorry OP.

I wouldn't bother responding to that message as it sounds like her heads too far up her own arse to care about including you as long as she gets her image of perfection.

I would distance yourself in fairness, unless that sort of person is your cup of tea.

send a scathing reply along the lines of "I can lose weight but you will always be shallow"

Nailed it @Structuredsward !

That is mean of her. I hope the bridezilla sees this thread.

That runs the full gamut of shallow superficiality. I think you are far better off 'Team Bride'. It's not going to be a smooth ride.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/COXM-4H7Vg/?utmmedium=copy_link

I am genuinely aghast.

When I was married, I let the BM chose what they were comfortable in, I just picked the colour. I also let them choose their hair and makeup.

Equally, when I have been a bridesmaid, there has been no hassle. I wore what the bride wanted, but they equally checked I was ok. (Except my cousin who put me in a peach bow peep style dress, but I was 13 and this was pre social media.)

And 'team bride'? Ugh. She sounds like she is utterly self obsessed.

I hope that the media pick this up and I hope you find some friends who truly value you for the person who are. You have had a lucky escape.

There isn’t much to say to her

I would tell her you are hurt but you are not a fool

Enjoy your day

Love from .....

I wouldn’t get into a discussion wish her well and move on

Well clearly she has her priorities wrong. Very wrong. And I suspect one day she'll regret this. Take some satisfaction in that if you can.

But careful with judgy language about slim people. Size 8/10 does not equate to 'stick thin'. It's likely just a healthy size.

But yeah. I'd be miffed.

Would anyone else really want to let the other bridesmaids know they were only selected due to fitting the dresses?!

She is not your friend she's awful

@Hsjdb7483939

She is not a friend! Who on earth prioritises the dress they want their bridesmaids to wear above having actual close friends as bridesmaids!

My first thought as well. I chose my bridesmaids and then found dresses they liked and felt good in. I’m actually shocked.

@youvegottenminuteslynn thanks for your concern but I do have her permission and the pics are shared from a public Facebook site her trainer uses to show people what great results they can get. Her arms were covered in both these and her bridesmaid dress at her choice not mine and I am proud of how fantastic she looks but as I did not have her permission to share the bridesmaids pics I won’t be sharing them

Sorry, but she is thinking of herself not you. You may not suit the style of dress that she wants, but she could have found something different for you that fitted in, or had something made in the same colour.

I can understand your hurt, and from her text, it is very clear that she wants a certain look and won't compromise that, so the look is more important to her than her friend being bridesmaid.

When I was a bridesmaid in my late 20's and overweight, ( think I was a 26 at the time), my friend gave all the bridesmaids the material from JL, and said we could have the dresses made up any way we want, she just wanted them to be sleeveless. She also provided us with velvet wraps, and I had a lace one to wear indoors because I was conscious of my upper arms. She wanted us to look nice, but also comfortable, and the main thing was, she wanted us there!

Had the same thing, best friend of 13 years didn’t pick me as a bridesmaid as I was to fat for the dress, as her maid of honour so eloquently pointed out.
I no longer talk to any of them.

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon

She sounds like she’s genuinely trying to put your feelings first.

I’d also feel uncomfortable in certain clothes and it would make me self concious.

I think she’s trying to be a good friend.

A good friend would want her dearest friends with her and would find ways of customising dresses so each was comfortable. They wouldn't be so fixed on bridesmaids dresses ( who does this?) that they favour the dress over the friend?

This is what I'd do, but I can be a bit passive aggressive....
Reply saying thanks for understanding my feelings and really appreciate it. Looking forward to the wedding etc.
Then over the next year loose weight, stick a picture of the reply on my fridge for motivation.
Turn up to the wedding in a white or bridesmaid colour dress looking 🔥🔥🔥
And I wouldn't given them a wedding present.

She's an absolute fucking bitch and no friend of yours.

I'm surprised that some would consider going to the wedding and deliberately upstaging the bride where's your dignity??
if I was the OP I would just not go to the wedding

She could have asked you first and asked how you felt about the dress she had chosen. Also it is so unimaginative of her, as you could have had a complementary but different one that suits you.

What a superficial way to start a marriage.

Lots of people put on a lot of extra weight with pregnancy. Please don’t let her or this whole issue upset you now. Just have a lovely time with your darling baby. I am sure you are lovely in every way.

You’ve made it into The Sun!

Guessing your issue will be sorted pretty soon and you won’t have a wedding to worry about.

Who puts a dress ahead of a friend?! She's not a true friend @Dandylioness1 not to you and not to those she picked because she wanted their image, not them.

Definitely send her a link to this thread and then move on. You deserve so so much better than someone like that.

FYI several close friends had people of all shapes, sizes and preferences (one never wears dresses or skirts and identifies as non-binary). The photos are beautiful, same material, different dresses/outfits and one friend in particular said so many people reached out to her to say how seeing that was so special. Truly valuing people and how it made the wedding stand out as even more special. That's something your friend can't see and it's her loss.

If she really wanted you as a bridesmaid but thought you wouldn’t want to be, she surely could have just asked you and said that you didn’t have to do it if you weren’t comfortable. So of course it’s just about looks.