To think my friend doesn’t want me as a bridesmaid because of my size...?

[Dandylioness1]

One of my very close friends got engaged a few months ago.

We’ve been friends for a long time and over the years she has always made references to me being a bridesmaid when she gets married.

This afternoon she tagged 4 friends on Facebook
introducing them as her “team bride”.

I felt really upset about it, but still, I messaged her to say congratulations on the team bride.

She replied saying she really wanted me to be a part of it but it wouldn’t have been right for me.
I replied asking her what she meant by that.

(SEE THE SCREENSHOT OF HER REPLY)

Last year I had a baby and I’ve gained weight since becoming pregnant (nearly 3stone ) I do feel awful about myself, which I’ve told my friend several times.

I appreciate she thinks she’s taking my feelings into consideration, but I feel so hurt at her reasons for not asking me to be a bridesmaid.

All 4 girls she’s picked are super stick thin (as is my friend) maybe size 8/10’s, I’m a size 16/18 and I can’t help but feel I’d ruin the “image” if she picked me and that’s exactly why she hasn’t asked me.

She is right that I wouldn’t feel great in that dress right now, but her wedding isn’t until May next year which would’ve given me plenty of time to lose some weight!!

AIBU to think she doesn’t want me in her team bride because of how I look, she’s thinking more about having “perfect” pictures, and just using my feelings as an excuse?

@AntiStars

Did you seriously mean to include those full body, full face photos in your post about being a kind friend?

Photos of the friend whose insecurities, scars and journey you were discussing?!

I would be absolutely furious if I was her especially as you didn't even take the time to crop out highly identifiable links!!

I would contact MN immediately to get the photos removed if I was you, and be more mindful in future of the fact that sharing those was as shitty and thoughtless as much of the behaviour being discussed on here!

Team bride... I would have to pick myself up off the floor, I would be laughing or cringing so much. Maybe you have had a lucky escape?

It's hurtful but do what you want to do for yourself. If you want to lose the weight, for yourself not for how anyone else thinks you should look, then go for it.
Then swan in to the wedding in the most fabulous outfit you can find. In relation to her message, I would probably reply very non committally. I probably would feel not quite the same about her in the future.

Shallow and brutal - but she has been honest rather than skirting around the issue.

I don't agree with her values and priorities personally, but it's her wedding - and if a perfect instagrammable image is more important to her than the feelings of her friends and family, well that's her choice

What I'd take from this is that she's not perhaps the person, or friend, you thought she was and I'd be thinking of her more as an acquaintance from here on, and invest your energies elsewhere in friends who have the same values as you.

I'm sorry this happened, I'd be utterly hurt to the core too.

Shallow and brutal - but she has been honest rather than skirting around the issue.

She hasn't been honest at all. She's pretending she's being thoughtful and has made this decision for OP's benefit, when clearly it's just about having the perfect coat hanger bridesmaids for her photos.

I wouldn't reply to her. Ever again. She shown you how little she values you. Believe her!

Op I am so sorry - you must be so so hurt. I would hold your head high - you are the better person and no, I would not go to the wedding!

Apologies for not reading the whole thread (31 pages!) so sorry if I'm repeating what others have said. I suggest losing as much weight as you choose, buy an amazing dress then soak up the compliments on the day. If she gets arsey, tell her it's the dress you planned to wear to her wedding, even before matey proposed ...

Op, you said you are unhappy with your weight gain and have shared this with your friend. You said you feel awful about yourself. Only you know if your friend is so shallow that she doesn't want you as her bridesmaid because of your appearance or could it be that she has listened to you and thinks that she would have made you feel under too much pressure as a bridesmaid? Talk to her, be honest about how you perceive her motives. She might be very shocked if that isn't what she intended.

That is the most horrible message I have ever read. I really feel for you. I have put on a lot of weight too.

Why the fuck didn't she tell you all this before if she had always known? And why not warn you? Why not make you maid of honour in a different dress?

What are they wearing? Strippers outfits? Bikinis? What?

She really is a prize cunt.

@ThankGoodnessForCricket just wanted to say your parents rock.....

@scoobydoo1971

Time to call it quits on that friendship. It is game over. Who would want a friend that is so selfish and superficial as to care what impact you have on the photographs etc? A wedding is one day of a person's life, but a friendship should be a lifetime of mutual care and respect. She sounds about as bridezilla as it gets.

So this.

How did weddings get to be like this ? Anyone remember the good olde days when it was about celebrating your love in front of family and friends. Even children were allowed ! ( I will never understand childfree weddings). We didn't care what people looked like in the photos, so long as they'd 'scrubbed up!' Everyone having a great time. No one even cared about presents; bride and groom received 6 toasters and 3 towel sets and the stag and hen do's were in the local, cheap and cheerful. No one had to take out a second mortgage to attend. The buffet was simple but the vol-au-vents to die for ! A great time had by all. The married couple slipped away later on in the evening to their honeymoon weekend in Blackpool and the guests carried on dancing to the YMCA, secure in the knowledge that the couple had a wonderful future ahead of them.
Op, if I were you, I would be really hurt. Only you know how or if you want to reply, or carry on the friendship. But you are justified in feeling hurt.
It's disgraceful and I would find new friends; ones who deserve your friendship and are not shallow betches.

My reply would be ...

Thanks. I hope the dresses are able to support and comfort you when, in the future, your DP dumps your narcissistic arse.

I can't believe this! She isn't a real friend. I had 3 bridesmaids, one was a size 8, one a size 14 and one a size 20. I found dresses that suited them, because I loved them and wanted them to be part of my wedding.

This might not have been so bad if she had discussed it before hand with you but to tag the friends on Facebook 😱

I’m sorry she sounds like a total bitch. I can’t help but notice how the message is worded, everything is ‘you, you, you’ like this is all somehow your fault???

I think my reply would be, I do feel hurt that you would prioritise a dress style before our friendship. I may feel differently given time but at the moment I feel too hurt to commit to attending your wedding.

I get the feeling there’s more to it than what she put in the text because she could have spoke to you about the dress before she made her Facebook announcement. If she is so self absorbed to choose a dress and size for her bridesmaids then I wouldn’t be surprised if she already has a list as long as her arm for duties assigned to the bride tribe and maybe she thinks a baby would get in the way of that.
Go to the wedding, look fabulous and think yourself lucky that you haven’t got to spend the day bowing to her demands.

Shallow and brutal - but she has been honest rather than skirting around the issue.

She wasn’t honest, she made it sound like the OP would feel uncomfortable, without asking her, so made it the OPs fault and left her own conscience clear. She’s an absolute fucking narcissist.

@Bluepeterfan

I get the feeling there’s more to it than what she put in the text because she could have spoke to you about the dress before she made her Facebook announcement. If she is so self absorbed to choose a dress and size for her bridesmaids then I wouldn’t be surprised if she already has a list as long as her arm for duties assigned to the bride tribe and maybe she thinks a baby would get in the way of that. Go to the wedding, look fabulous and think yourself lucky that you haven’t got to spend the day bowing to her demands.

I agree. I'd watch out @Dandylioness1 if you do decide to continue the friendship. There may be an element of her still wanting you to 'help' with the wedding prep I.e doing all the grunt work for her perfect wedding without actually wearing a bridesmaid dress.

OP I’ve read all your posts but not others’ comments so apologies if this has been said already, but if she really was a close friend who cares about you she would have SPOKEN to you about this, not made a FB announcement and followed up with a text message. She is a callous coward who has created a narrative in her head that she is all caring about you when it’s clear that all she wants are Insta-perfect wedding pics. She did not have the grace to call you to explain because there was a risk that you would question or contradict her and she is not remotely willing for your ACTUAL feelings to intrude on her decision. That is not how a friend acts. Real friendships are not nurtured and sustained via Facebook and texts. she has shown her colours here and you need to have the self respect to see her for what she is and remove yourself from her toxic orbit.

Good luck and congrats on your baby.

In all honesty I would not even dignify this with a reply.

I’d block and hope she gets the message when she reads this thread in the Daily Mail.

Plus she sounds utterly superficial and immature. Choosing your bridesmaids’ dresses before the proposal? The marriage will probably not last once she’s had her big day.

She is more concerned about a dress style than your friendship. She is not worthy of any more of your time.
Send her a link to this thread, and then block her, and never speak to her again. You deserve lovely friends in your life, not shallow bitches like this.
And get going on the exercise program you're planning, its great for your health and boosting your self esteem.

I wouldn't respond. I'd delete her off Facebook and decline any invitations coming. She's no friend.

Shallow and brutal - but she has been honest rather than skirting around the issue.

She has been the opposite of honest! She's pretended to do this out of kindness concern when it's really about appearances and vanity.

Gosh I wouldn't know what to do in your shoes op. I'm not sure I would want to attend the wedding at all after the smug "team bride" (puke fest ) who "are super happy" (urgh) in their dresses. And the way she let you know is almost worse than what she said.

Whether to rise above it, attend the wedding and never speak to her again?

Or to send a scathing reply along the lines of "I can lose weight but you will always be shallow" or more directly "thanks for the faux concern, but my usual happy self won't be attending and nor will the pissed off version".

Whatever you decide, good luck to you op and please don't take this sorry episode to heart. You are better with this mean-spirited woman out of your life.