To think my friend doesn’t want me as a bridesmaid because of my size...?

[Dandylioness1]

One of my very close friends got engaged a few months ago.

We’ve been friends for a long time and over the years she has always made references to me being a bridesmaid when she gets married.

This afternoon she tagged 4 friends on Facebook
introducing them as her “team bride”.

I felt really upset about it, but still, I messaged her to say congratulations on the team bride.

She replied saying she really wanted me to be a part of it but it wouldn’t have been right for me.
I replied asking her what she meant by that.

(SEE THE SCREENSHOT OF HER REPLY)

Last year I had a baby and I’ve gained weight since becoming pregnant (nearly 3stone ) I do feel awful about myself, which I’ve told my friend several times.

I appreciate she thinks she’s taking my feelings into consideration, but I feel so hurt at her reasons for not asking me to be a bridesmaid.

All 4 girls she’s picked are super stick thin (as is my friend) maybe size 8/10’s, I’m a size 16/18 and I can’t help but feel I’d ruin the “image” if she picked me and that’s exactly why she hasn’t asked me.

She is right that I wouldn’t feel great in that dress right now, but her wedding isn’t until May next year which would’ve given me plenty of time to lose some weight!!

AIBU to think she doesn’t want me in her team bride because of how I look, she’s thinking more about having “perfect” pictures, and just using my feelings as an excuse?

Would have returned all the dresses*

What an incredibly shallow person your friend is. I hope she reads the responses on this page and feels ashamed of herself.

Wow. What sort of ghastly bridezilla chooses BRIDESMAID dresses (not even her own dress) before she's even engaged? Your friend is horrible and her message is bullshit. Did she even offer you a different role in the wedding like doing a reading? I wouldn't reply to the message, I'd just dump her.

I chose bridesmaids then we all chose dresses they loved together. Your friend is vile.

I’d be ignoring for a while, whilst pondering. Though I’d be tempted to lose SHITLOADS and turn up looking hot, or send April’s response

Aprilwasverywet
Just message that you are more than happy to wear the dress of her choice. Whatever the size dress it may be... Tell her that your i friendship overrides any low esteem feelings you may have about your post baby weight..
Make her squirm.

There is zero chance I'd be going to that wedding

I agree it sounds like she's more worried about the aesthetic of her wedding rather than your friendship. Weddings have become really superficial since social media. Everything now has to be Instagram worthy.

Honestly, the best revenge is attending her wedding looking f*cking amazing and being your authentic self.

I pity her husband to be and future children with an attitude like that. Most of us on here know that life has a habit of turning round and biting us on the arse. What will she do in the years ahead when marriage and motherhood don't quite fit with what she's set her heart upon.
Wish her luck as you wave her goodbye....

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon

She sounds like she’s genuinely trying to put your feelings first.

I’d also feel uncomfortable in certain clothes and it would make me self concious.

I think she’s trying to be a good friend.

She really doesn’t. If she were she would have talked to the OP first. This represents everything that is wrong with the whole perfect day bollocks. Who plans bridesmaids’ dresses before their proposal?

Wow. What a shallow bitch!

Aside from how she's wrapped up a pile of bullshit in a sugary sweet, utterly fake message of caring about how you feel, the fact that she didn't say a word to you about not being her bridesmaid before she splashed her 'team bride' bragging all over social media says it all!!

What if one of her perfect 'team bride' skinny friends gets pregnant in the next year or, God forbid, puts on a few lbs? Will she 'consider their feelings' & heartlessly dump them via message, too?

Walk away with your head held high & your self esteem intact - you're not the one who needs to change. If it were me, I'd book a nice mini break with my family on the same weekend & RSVP a big NO!! (Or, you could turn up, looking amazing, in a white dress!!😄)

@Cheesecake53

I would write "I am really hurt by this and don't know what to say."

I think this is the best response

I would tell her you are hurt by her comments and leave it at that. Then I'd distance myself from her.

Wow. Just wow. Goodness knows what she'll do if one of her bridesmaids gains weight (or becomes pregnant but early 'bump' stages) before next year.

I would reply with something like 'I understand that it's your decision who is bridesmaid. But, to be honest, it's very hurtful, after all the years of chats around 'you'll be my bridesmaid one day', to find out I'm not even considered because of a dress without even a phone call."

If you're still invited to the wedding, accept it and spend the time finding a super dress that really shows you off to your best - whether you've lost weight or not. Not to outshine her - I've never seen anyone outshine a bride, but just to show her you're a beautiful new mum who can look stunning even if you're not a Stepford Bridesmaid (i.e all look the same and are just there for show).

Eat her food, enjoy her wine then after that, if she's not come to realise how hurt you've been by the lack of thought on her part, let the friendship drift away. You're worth more.

Anyway, to be honest, all the dress fittings, organising everything, dealing with the mini wedding dramas make being a bridesmaid a faff sometimes (having been one 3 times). I enjoy myself much more when I can just pull up on the day and enjoy the party!

Sorry, OP.

I bet it’s a child free wedding too,

Wow she is awful. I am so sorry OP. If a dress is worth more to her than your friendship, I don't think you should have anything more to do with her. In a few years she will look back on her behaviour and be ashamed of herself.

Oh my goodness.

What a horrible person.

I am so sorry you have had to see that message and go through this. Please please please don't let it knock your confidence in how you are.

Just horrible. Horrible, horrible, horrible.

That won't be a very nice wedding if these are the kind of choices she is making.

I hope you get some good advice here on how to proceed.

That's really upsetting. I don't think I could stay friends with that person if I were you.

I was a bridesmaid last year. The other bridesmaid and I have completely different body types. The bride chose the dresses for us, not the other way around!

But what if she'd asked you to be a bridesmaid? There was a thread recently where a bridesmaid was horrified by the dresses and how she would look in them. And if you'd said 'my friend is getting married next year and I need to lose 3 stone to feel happy and look good in the dress she's picked for me' she would also have been a b&£tch. Or if she'd posted 'my best friend doesn't like the bridesmaid dresses I've picked, as they don't suit her body' responses might have been 'your friend doesn't get to dictate your wedding etc.
I think it's a tricky one because you've said you are unhappy with your weight gain, you feel you need to lose 3 stone to be your comfortable weight, you think you could lose three stone by next year but your friend would never ask you to do that... I don't think she meant to be mean- bridesmaid or not bridesmaid- both could have caused you to feel bad.

She is an absolute bitch

Another poster has said this - she has done you a favour. You now know how much she truly values you and your friendship. It can really never feel the same as before now, no matter what happens.

I would not go the wedding. I would not remain friends. I could not.

I was a bridesmaid for my closest friend. I had put on a lot of weight due to medication and definitely didn't look or feel my best self. Yet I was so honoured to be asked and we had a great time because it didn't matter that my size 18 5ft10 self looked huge next to my 5ft2 size 10 friend because the day was not about some perfect image. Your friend is being incredibily shallow and more concerned about image than the actual meaning of the day doesn't exactly show promise for the marriage.

And if you were my beat friend, I would have chosen the dress with you that you (and the others) were all happy and comfortable with.

Dresses don't matter. Friends (and their feelings) do. Coming out of the pandemic and reconnecting, healing and repairing as communities and friends and human beings that have lived through this is so important now.

And I kind of hope this IS picked up by the Daily Mail as an example!

Announcing her bridesmaids on Facebook as team bride says it all frankly.

There’s a photo of me and my best friend at a fancy dress party. We’ve been friends for the best part of four decades. In it I’m dead skinny as I was very ill and she’s beautifully and healthily glowing and curvy as she’d just given birth to one of her wonderful children. Someone else could look at that photo and think there’s a slim girl and an overweight girl. I love that photo. We were SO happy. She looked SO gorgeous.

I think you deserve better friends.

@somethingischasingme

But what if she'd asked you to be a bridesmaid? There was a thread recently where a bridesmaid was horrified by the dresses and how she would look in them. And if you'd said 'my friend is getting married next year and I need to lose 3 stone to feel happy and look good in the dress she's picked for me' she would also have been a b&£tch. Or if she'd posted 'my best friend doesn't like the bridesmaid dresses I've picked, as they don't suit her body' responses might have been 'your friend doesn't get to dictate your wedding etc. I think it's a tricky one because you've said you are unhappy with your weight gain, you feel you need to lose 3 stone to be your comfortable weight, you think you could lose three stone by next year but your friend would never ask you to do that... I don't think she meant to be mean- bridesmaid or not bridesmaid- both could have caused you to feel bad.

Well a) bridesmaids are generally chosen for their relationship to the bride not their body type and b) no weight needed to be lost as a flattering dress could have been found with a bit of discussion and experimentation.

It all hinges on whether you prize a specific dress over a specific relationship.