To think my friend doesn’t want me as a bridesmaid because of my size...?

[Dandylioness1]

One of my very close friends got engaged a few months ago.

We’ve been friends for a long time and over the years she has always made references to me being a bridesmaid when she gets married.

This afternoon she tagged 4 friends on Facebook
introducing them as her “team bride”.

I felt really upset about it, but still, I messaged her to say congratulations on the team bride.

She replied saying she really wanted me to be a part of it but it wouldn’t have been right for me.
I replied asking her what she meant by that.

(SEE THE SCREENSHOT OF HER REPLY)

Last year I had a baby and I’ve gained weight since becoming pregnant (nearly 3stone ) I do feel awful about myself, which I’ve told my friend several times.

I appreciate she thinks she’s taking my feelings into consideration, but I feel so hurt at her reasons for not asking me to be a bridesmaid.

All 4 girls she’s picked are super stick thin (as is my friend) maybe size 8/10’s, I’m a size 16/18 and I can’t help but feel I’d ruin the “image” if she picked me and that’s exactly why she hasn’t asked me.

She is right that I wouldn’t feel great in that dress right now, but her wedding isn’t until May next year which would’ve given me plenty of time to lose some weight!!

AIBU to think she doesn’t want me in her team bride because of how I look, she’s thinking more about having “perfect” pictures, and just using my feelings as an excuse?

@bendmeoverbackwards

When did this fashion for adult bridesmaids start anyway? I had 2 little girls for bridesmaids at my wedding (both daughters of friends). No drama with dresses etc and they looked cute.

Choosing some friends over others to be be bridesmaids is only going to end in tears inevitably.

Years ago? My parents got married in 1969 and my mum had her friend as a BM.

As someone said upthread, who even remembers what bridesmaids wore?
I’m genuinely struggling to remember what my own bridesmaid wore! Without looking at the photos downstairs all I can remember is Something red?! (December wedding).
But I’m still married 10 years on and they’re still my best friends, the important stuff!

Wow. She is selfish.

Apparently some stupid dress is worth more to her then not hurting your feelings and she’s trying to gaslight you into believing that she has YOUR best interests at heart which is total bullshit.

I would consider ending the friendship over this. She sounds awful.

Actually yes- OP, are you friends with the other bridesmaids then? Because I'm a size 8ish, and id be really pissed off to think id been picked as a bridesmaid just because id fit the dress she wanted, not because I was a real friend.

If she is expecting the bridesmaids to do a lot of work and prep for the wedding, they might be reluctant to give up their free time to help her have her "dream day" if they thought they were only being asked because they look a certain way, not because she particularly cares about them.

(And no, a size 8-10 is not "stick thin", unless you are above average tall, its comfortably within the healthy range for woman)

Time to call it quits on that friendship. It is game over. Who would want a friend that is so selfish and superficial as to care what impact you have on the photographs etc? A wedding is one day of a person's life, but a friendship should be a lifetime of mutual care and respect. She sounds about as bridezilla as it gets.

Jesus, ouch! I don't think I would come back from this although she probably thinks she's been extremely diplomatic.

What a superficial individual. Who chooses a dress over a friend?

I would neither pretend this is fine, nor get into a dialogue. Essentially it is her wedding and she can have who she likes and if you say much, she will probably start pulling emotional crap about you being difficult if you say how hurtful it is.

I would be scrupulously polite over text and disengage. Perhaps simply say 'no problem Jane, all the best.'

Then I would reconsider the friendship, personally. I don't lightly say that but I can't imagine any of my close friends insulting me like this over my weight. I put on about 4 stone with meds (about half lost now) and my beautiful friend asked me to pick my own dress so I would feel comfortable.

If she cared about your friendship and it wasn't all about the photos she would have asked you if you wanted to be a bridesmaid not assumed you would say no because you'd said something about your weight.
That's such a cop out.
If she'd asked you could have made that decision for yourself.

Who needs friends like this?!
The fact that you found out about "team bride" on FB proves this so called friend was never bothered about your feelings.

I probably wouldn't even bother sending a reply, sometimes it's better to say nothing. Block her on social media and have nothing more to do with her.

Concentrate on your own life/family and forget about her, she's not worth any more of your time.

I was a bridesmaid at a wedding where we were given the colour and could then choose any dress we liked in that colour. So everyone was wearing their best style and felt comfortable. It looked lovely too.

As pp’s have said she is prioritising her aesthetic idea of a bridesmaid dress and a bridesmaid look over actual friendship. It’s incredibly hurtful and yanbu at all to feel upset. I’d bin her off!

Sorry OP! She is a crap friend. Superficiel.
I wouldn't respond and would walk away from the friendship. I feel for you.

@HomeSliceKnowsBest

Send the vile cunt a link to this thread accompanied with 'So long, fucker!' And get on with your life.

Classy.

@saraclara

Seriously, is giving the overweight friend a reading to do, a thing now? Because if it is, how patronising and humiliating. Unless the friend actually asks to do a reading rather than be bridesmaid, it's little better than what OP's 'friend' has done. Get's her out of the way of the photos while seeming 'kind'.

It will be interesting to see if, at any future weddings I attend, the reading is given by the fat friend.

Im not sure if you posted that because of my post- I wasn't given the reading for being fat - the only bridesmaid was much larger than me.

@LagunaBubbles

Omg. Not a lot shocks me these days on MN. But what an absolute horror. So a "dream bridesmaids" dress means more to her than true friendship? Fuck her.

Same. What a batch.

Lol typo

It’d be a shame if that screenshot was shared on FB, right underneath “Team Bride”. Awful.

@Ladypuggerz

Ditch the bitch.

More solid advice has never been spoken.

@Dandylioness1

What do I even say back to that? I really do feel so upset by it. 😔

'Loooooooool fuck you. Best of luck in your marriage ✌️'

God, weddings have become so ridiculous. YANBU, OP. She's shown you exactly who she is here - someone who cares more about the perfect photo and being princess for a day than actually celebrating with the people she cares about. I would not want to go to the wedding after this.

Sorry OP but she's not a real friend.

If I were you I'd want to reply "Phew thank goodness, saved me an awkward conversation as everyone knows you have dreadful taste in clothing, and all those times you mentioned me being a bridesmaid I cringed. No-one wants to look like a hooker on their close friends big day, even if the bride REALLY wanted the dresses!" But I'd actually send nothing and forget the cow ever existed. Leave her hanging for a reply!

@user1471447924

It’d be a shame if that screenshot was shared on FB, right underneath “Team Bride”. Awful.

Oh yes, that would be terrible...

I would write "I am really hurt by this and don't know what to say."

OP, it's not just the dresses. Your life and hers have just taken a huge jump apart. You've had a baby which is of course all encompassing and at the same time she's embarking on a full wedding planning Bridezilla period. She's going to want hen dos and pampering and help with prep and mostly to be the centre of 'Team Bride's universe for months....I'm guessing you have been talking about babies and body image when all she can see right now is bridesmaid dresses and favours, and she senses that you are drifting apart at the moment.

Stay friends if you can. She's behaved really badly but is still your friend underneath. She'll get over the wedding in due course, just as you won't be a new Mum for ever.

The wedding is a year away. So much can change by then.

I’d seriously consider doing it too! She’s a really nasty person so there’d be nothing to lose!

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon

She sounds like she’s genuinely trying to put your feelings first.

I’d also feel uncomfortable in certain clothes and it would make me self concious.

I think she’s trying to be a good friend.

OP should’ve been given the opportunity herself to decide how she feels in the clothing. Not be dictated to.

That's absolutely horrendous OP!

One of my bridesmaids was plus size and the dresses I'd picked didn't fit. I let her choose her own dress and she walked up the aisle and was in all the pictures with me as my bridesmaid regardless of what dress she was wearing. She is one of my closest friends and I wouldn't have returned all the dresses before leaving her out.

She's a total bitch to do this to you. And to post it on Facebook without speaking to you first is just nasty.

Sorry OP but I'd be running a mile from her.