To think my friend doesn’t want me as a bridesmaid because of my size...?

[Dandylioness1]

One of my very close friends got engaged a few months ago.

We’ve been friends for a long time and over the years she has always made references to me being a bridesmaid when she gets married.

This afternoon she tagged 4 friends on Facebook
introducing them as her “team bride”.

I felt really upset about it, but still, I messaged her to say congratulations on the team bride.

She replied saying she really wanted me to be a part of it but it wouldn’t have been right for me.
I replied asking her what she meant by that.

(SEE THE SCREENSHOT OF HER REPLY)

Last year I had a baby and I’ve gained weight since becoming pregnant (nearly 3stone ) I do feel awful about myself, which I’ve told my friend several times.

I appreciate she thinks she’s taking my feelings into consideration, but I feel so hurt at her reasons for not asking me to be a bridesmaid.

All 4 girls she’s picked are super stick thin (as is my friend) maybe size 8/10’s, I’m a size 16/18 and I can’t help but feel I’d ruin the “image” if she picked me and that’s exactly why she hasn’t asked me.

She is right that I wouldn’t feel great in that dress right now, but her wedding isn’t until May next year which would’ve given me plenty of time to lose some weight!!

AIBU to think she doesn’t want me in her team bride because of how I look, she’s thinking more about having “perfect” pictures, and just using my feelings as an excuse?

@JellyTumble

Firstly, a size 8/10 isn’t “super stick thin”, it’s just a normal, healthy weight.

Secondly, I do think she is trying to consider your feelings.

Thirdly, even if she did ask you because of the weight and you say you’ll lose it, there’s no guarantee of that.

It’s not “normal”. A norm is an average and half the average female population in the U.K. are a size 16.

Bride to be would have discussed it first if she was considering the Op’s feelings.

There’s definitely no guarantee of weight loss. And the Op would look crap in the dress. Which as everyone has previously said, its pretty poor to put a dress over a friendship.

I’m so sorry OP - I really feel for you here. I totally agree that she’s approached this the wrong way round. When I got married, I chose the people I wanted as my bridesmaids first and then made the dress suit them. Not the other way around! Her priorities are all wrong and it does sound like she’s thinking about the pictures being worthy of vogue or something.

I would text her back saying I wish you had given me the opportunity to decide what I was comfortable to wear.

If she was a true friend she would have included you but said that if you didn't feel comfortable being a bridesmaid she would understand. She isn't a true friend

You sound really fun & kind & I’m really surprised you have a opted for a friendship with a “friend” that uses phrases like team bride and makes such a crap decision. I’d love to be a size 16/18 am sure you look fantastic.

Text back ‘thanks so much for understanding. I’m going to be in my onesie watching a movie instead of being at your wedding being my happy comfortable self.
Goodbye you shallow fat shaming bitch’

Bridezilla at its worst here.

She could have made up something about numbers / budget and told you before announcing 'team bride'

I'm all for honesty being the best but this is down right rude.

Honestly- you sound lovely and normal. I'd imagine the hen and wedding will be all about appearances.

Hope you can find best way to reply or ignore or cut her off

The right words?

F U

get new friends. I would rather have had happy friends in dresses they they were happy in than my friends not there.
She wants her pretty dresses and pictures, thats fine, but she’s not your friend.
Get a new one, one that actually cares about friends over looks!

What's your friend like in general, would she normally behave in a manipulative manner or is it possible she's genuinely thinking of your feelings? Either way her behaviour and message are very hurtful.

The message I would send would be,

Dear xx
Thank you for your message attempting to explain your decision I really do appreciate that you've tried to explain why you've changed your mind about having me as your BM which is of course your own personal choice and as your friend I would always respect that.
However I am very upset right now by what you've written about the dresses you've chosen and belief they won't suit my body type or I wouldn't be comfortable. Surely this was a discussion we could've had face to face and both been honest about our opinions, yours that you very much wanted these dresses and mine when I saw them to decide if they were something I would be comfortable wearing next year.
If there were other reasons behind your decision, I would've hoped that you'd have known I'd have completly understood and would just have been thrilled to be there to enjoy your big day and of course be so happy for you both.

My bridesmaids were very different sizes. One a size 8 and one a 22. I don't think it even occurred to me to think about it, I just wanted those two girls because they were my best friends and I loved them. We, between us, chose a dress that they both liked and was in the colour I wanted. 24 years on one filled out a bit, and the other lost loads of weight, however they’re beautiful. They always were.

Ive seen other people have their bridesmaids in the same colour or fabric, but different styles to suit their shapes. Your friend could do that if she wasn’t such a thoughtless, selfish bitch.

Shes horrible.

@StellaLeonte I was just thinking this will be in the DM in the next day or so

@StellaLeonte

I was also thinking she should shag the husband to be as well.

This is really horrible!

She's putting dresses before you - that tells you every thing you need to know about her priorities.

The answer is to loose weight and turn up looking better than the bridesmaids and the bride I'd try to find out what style of dress they were wearing and chose something similar but more flattering. I bet it's super skimpy if a size 16 won't look good in it.

I was doing a reading at a friends wedding and had put on weight, so only had one dress which fitted and really couldn't face going to buy another dress in a large size while I was working on losing the weight. I spoke to the bride about it and she said "I really don't care what you wear, I just want you at my wedding and really hope you'll do a reading." That is how proper friends reacts to a friend who has put on weight.

@Dandylioness1 last year you had a baby! I read that and it reminded me how I felt with extra weight that wouldn't come off after my first.

I just could not get rid of it and it upset me that I kept failing. However when I look at those baby photos of me and her today, 27 years later, all I see is my beautiful baby daughter, a miracle that I grew inside me. I wish I had just focused on her and not on the stupid three stone extra I couldn't shift.

I'm quite sad about your friend's message. It is definitely 'bridezilla' behaviour for her to focus on the image she wants to project about her big day and she has clearly lost the plot. Maybe it is time for you to cool the friendship a bit and move on with your life. You have a very special one year old to care for and nurture. Don't let that three stone excess stop you valuing yourself. You are worth it.

The message? Don't reply. Move on. Enjoy your (now) toddler. Make new friends.

I think whatever your reply is (if any) you should leave it for a good few days/weeks to make her worry! It will be interesting to see if she sends another message if she doesn't hear back from you for a while - that would be very telling about her feelings for you.

I think your choices here should be based on how this affects YOU going forward, i.e. is this a friend group situation where you are friends with the 'chosen' bridesmaids and/or other wedding guests so that you would feel sad not going to the wedding? If so I'd maybe reply with a simple 'OK' and be quiet but dignified and sit back and enjoy the guaranteed drama llama bridezilla shit show that this will inevitably be and enjoy having a great laugh ripping the piss out of it all with your other friends on the day of this spectacular event!

If she is the only person you know properly who'll be at the wedding then I'd ditch her, and I'd agree with pp's that being completely silent will probably piss her off the most and you'll maintain the moral high ground, but if it feels good to tell her what you think of her nasty shallow behaviour then go for it!

Either way if you want to lose weight do it but not for her for you, and if you do or don't lose weight and do go to the wedding be fabulous whatever, weight does not define us! And she has no right to make you feel this way!

I also might be tempted to go to the wedding in a size 16 dress and wander about looking miserable and telling anyone who'd listen how sad you are about being too fat to be a bridesmaid, possibly questioning everyone there over a size 12 if they too are sad about being too fat to be a bridesmaid, but I have been known to be petty so .......

Don't let this twat get you down OP, she's probably jealous of you in reality! And you sound lovely

What a bitch! She could have had that conversation with you to see how you felt about it, not assume.

Send the vile cunt a link to this thread accompanied with 'So long, fucker!' And get on with your life.

Does she have a point OP?

What that dresses are more important and as long as the photos look good thats more important than real people, real friends and friendship?

I would send her fiancé the link to this thread so he can see what sort of person he’s marrying.

Horrible behaviour, sorry OP.

Incidentally, @Dandylioness1, when I married I was 7 months pregnant with my second and my bridesmaids were given money to buy whatever they wanted to wear because I wanted them to be comfortable. It was much more important that they were there beside me than 'insta ready' (or whatever . My DD was nine months old at the time and wore a beautiful frilly 'bridesmaid' dress. I love my wedding pics now, mismatched as we were, we were all special friends.

Seriously, is giving the overweight friend a reading to do, a thing now? Because if it is, how patronising and humiliating. Unless the friend actually asks to do a reading rather than be bridesmaid, it's little better than what OP's 'friend' has done. Get's her out of the way of the photos while seeming 'kind'.

It will be interesting to see if, at any future weddings I attend, the reading is given by the fat friend.

What a superficial cow. Send her a link to this thread and block her

"I may well lose the weight in my own time, but sadly you'll always be a cunt" And block!

Would be amazed if this doesn’t end up in the Mail. The good thing about this is you totally get to see how she is and you are definitely best off out of it as she is going to be more horrendous than she already is by the time the wedding actually arrives (assuming the Groom sticks around that long when he sees her in action).

I wouldn’t reply as really best not to dignify that message but if I did say anything it would be just ‘OK’ or :

Ok hun, I understand - perfectly. Dandylioness (Team Groom) xxxxx

Then spend time on your family and nurturing your friends who are proper friends.