To think my friend doesn’t want me as a bridesmaid because of my size...?

[Dandylioness1]

One of my very close friends got engaged a few months ago.

We’ve been friends for a long time and over the years she has always made references to me being a bridesmaid when she gets married.

This afternoon she tagged 4 friends on Facebook
introducing them as her “team bride”.

I felt really upset about it, but still, I messaged her to say congratulations on the team bride.

She replied saying she really wanted me to be a part of it but it wouldn’t have been right for me.
I replied asking her what she meant by that.

(SEE THE SCREENSHOT OF HER REPLY)

Last year I had a baby and I’ve gained weight since becoming pregnant (nearly 3stone ) I do feel awful about myself, which I’ve told my friend several times.

I appreciate she thinks she’s taking my feelings into consideration, but I feel so hurt at her reasons for not asking me to be a bridesmaid.

All 4 girls she’s picked are super stick thin (as is my friend) maybe size 8/10’s, I’m a size 16/18 and I can’t help but feel I’d ruin the “image” if she picked me and that’s exactly why she hasn’t asked me.

She is right that I wouldn’t feel great in that dress right now, but her wedding isn’t until May next year which would’ve given me plenty of time to lose some weight!!

AIBU to think she doesn’t want me in her team bride because of how I look, she’s thinking more about having “perfect” pictures, and just using my feelings as an excuse?

Bridesmaid is an honor suppost to be bestowed on those that have offered significant support through the bride or grooms life or relatonship.

Its nothing to do with aestetics and people who put looks above celebrating their support network are assholes.

@Fruityfriday

Am I the only one wonder exactly what kind of dresses they are? Are they body con ?

I bet they are those slip style ones that look like nightwear

I’d send a very brief text “ok thanks for letting me know, hope the wedding is a success” and seriously Id send a copy of this thread to her. Your friendship is over but she needs to know it was her not you.

If she did actually care about you, rather than just being as shallow as a plate, she would have told you her decision before going public and offered you another role at the wedding such as being her witness or doing a reading.

She is no friend. She sounds like the kind of person who needs someone who they perceive as needy in their life so that they can brag to other people how much they help you. So she can tell people how thoughtful she is, putting your need not to feel self conscious above her desire to have you as a BM. This kind of person hates it if you demonstrate that you are not their charity project.

If she's not got children, I would be very inclined to say something along the lines of "Now I'm a parent I can really see how silly getting excited about wearing a pretty dress for some pictures is, so I am grateful that you didn't put me in the awkward position of having to turn down an offer to be a BM"

I've been best woman twice and a bridesmaid once as an adult. Best woman 1 I chose the dress and the colour. Best woman 2 my friend wanted us to wear blue jeans. Bridesmaid the material was bought and we all chose the style, so 7 different dresses but the same colour. We were all different sizes. A wedding is about you being there not the dresses! We all did so much to help because we were friends who wanted our friend to have a lovely day.

She is no friend of yours. I wouldn't go to the wedding. Plan a lovely day somewhere else.

I’d send a very brief text “ok thanks for letting me know, hope the wedding is a success”

Just do this, it's making it clear you're unhappy whilst not getting overly emotional! And then honestly, I'd cut her loose. I don't think she is sparing your feelings at all, but if she is she's got it very very wrong that message is awful!

Rest easy in the knowledge that team bride are going to be in for quite the ride over the next few months 👍 and please, don't do any little favours that typically a bridesmaid would do, she knows you'll say yes over her other bridesmaids who fit the asthenic and she doesn't get to have her cake and eat it too

Wow, that's horrible. The fact she didn't let you know before posting about team bride is also really nasty, hope you are okay OP, no one deserves to be treated like that.

Aesthetic even...

@howtocomplain

Before you reply, decide what you want. Some options:

1. End the friendship
2. Tell her how hurtful it is, but not aim to end the friendship
3. Not confront her

This.

Personally I think it would be difficult to continue the friendship as it was before because of her decision and explanation, and trying to bite back your reaction to stay friends will make you feel even worse than you do about yourself, and hardly nurture a close friendship.

Do you genuinely think you can be such good friends again, as she has a whole year of being busy with Team Clothes Horse between now and the wedding? I think you need to be realistic about that.

Has she ever shown any tendency to be like this before?

I would send a very calm but open and honest reply, possibly in a card. “Dear xxx, I will always wish you well, in your life, your marriage, and for the wedding day of your dreams.

But I cannot pretend that I was not upset to be excluded from ‘team bride’ as announced on Facebook after so many years of talking about it.

And I was not reassured by your explanation. Care for my feelings would have nee. To have asked me how I felt about the dress style, not made the decision for me. Care for your friends would be to prioritise friendship over dress style. Care for your friends might mean believing that I can get myself closer to how I feel better with a year of work between now and your wedding. As it is your decision and explanation made me feel very hurt.
I wanted to be truthful with you about that.
Xxxx OP”

Some possible replies:

Friendship ending:

Wow, I had no idea you were so superficial. I thought you saw me as a genuine friend, not a clothes hanger for photos. I'm curious, do the others know you objectify their bodies like this?

Or

[Friend name] please don't dress this up as being nice to me, you are basically saying you value superficial images more than our friendship. I'm gutted, I thought our friendship meant more to you than that. Never mind, I'll go find other people to be friends with who don't need it explained to them that this is an outrageous way to treat someone.

Or, slightly more diplomatic

I'm sure you didn't mean it like this, but this message reads as if you value looks over our friendship. How would you feel if I sent to you, I didn't want you to be my bridesmaid as your hair was the wrong colour? I really don't want to fall out over this but I need to let you know that this has really hurt my feelings. I value our friendship and I can't get my head round you feeling this way. I'd want you as my bridesmaid if you could only wear a sack for some reason! Because I'd want you there. Can you understand why this hurts? It makes me feel perhaps I've been wrong to think you value me as a friend - have I been?

Or, text for brushing it under the carpet

OK.

She's an absolute bitch. I don't think I cld continue being her friend. U are absolutely right she has decided u wouldn't be comfortable without even discussing with u. She wants the skinny girls only.

I'd tell her I can't believe she's excluding u because of this. Yes she's right that u may not be comfortable but as she's ur friend u wld do it for her. U feel like ur being left out because of ur weight (which is the truth). She's trying to make it sound like she's thinking of u and being a gd friend but she is not a gd friend or even a friend doing that to u!

If I were the bride it wouldn't matter to me. To be honest if u weren't keen on the dress I'd get same fabric, colour etc and maybe do a slightly different style for u. That's the nice friend that I am. I would also have thought (like urself) that u may see this as a good incentive to lose the weight you've gained.

Also I would be tempted to say something along the lines of:

I am really upset that you didn't feel you could talk to me about this, it's evident from your message that the others have seen the dresses already, and that they had been asked to be 'team bride', yet I wasn't given a second thought.

Yes as posters have said do not get roped in to doing bridesmaid duties because Team Bride can't/won't/are less dependable/don't know her as well as you do.

If she wants you as a guest and if you are prepared to go as a guest that is all you do.

I would show her message to the other bridesmaids. Wouldn’t reply to her

Only you know your friend and whether she is likely doing this for the reasons she says or if it's an appearance thing. My gut instinct though is that if she really was doing it for the reasons she says then she could have gently expressed her concerns to you and asked you if you wanted to be a bridesmaid or not and made it your choice. Good luck with the reply .

Last year I had a baby and I’ve gained weight since becoming pregnant (nearly 3stone ) I do feel awful about myself, which I’ve told my friend several times.

After being unhappy about your weight for a year, what makes you think you can drop 3 stone in 11 months for someone else's benefit? You have to want to lose weight for yourself or it doesn't work. I say this as a lifetime yoyo dieter - until you find the motivation to do something for you, you can't keep it off.

Maybe this is the moment you find your motivation - but for different reasons. Not for the pressure of looking good at someone else's wedding and to fit into a dress they have bought that is too small, but because your weight has finally made you miss out on something you really wanted to participate in. My advice is to forget about being bridesmaid, and to refocus all your hurt feelings into making yourself feel better about yourself by tackling your weight.

If you show up at her wedding as a normal guest wearing a stunning dress that proves you could have been a stunning bridesmaid, great, but don't make that your focus. Make this about you and how you feel.

I understand her reasons, but springing it on you the way she did was unkind, especially when she'd led you to believe you would have been on team bride. However, how would a conversation in private beforehand have gone? It would still have been upsetting for you, and she would either have still made the same decision, or felt pressured into letting you be a part of her wedding when her heart was already set on those dresses and other people.

It's entirely possible she's a bitch. It's entirely possible she really is your friend and has decided to do this because she genuinely cares about you. You say you've spoken to her several times about how awful you feel - how often is often? If you've slated yourself on a regular basis, as a friend, I wouldn't be putting you in a situation where you felt even worse about your looks either. Weddings are all about photos - and the most flattering dress can't make anyone feeling awful about themselves feel happy in front of a camera.

Make today the day you start making better food choices, and crack on with your own beautiful life. I'm rooting for you - never mind team bride, I'm team you. You can find your motivation.

And as has already been said, get this thread deleted soon, or it will be in the Daily Fail if it hasn't already been, and you'll have outed yourself to your friend.

Nrtft.
Sounds like Mean Girls.

End ,I won't use the word 'friendship' ,this toxic connection with her op.It will come back to bite her in the bum in the future.
Move onwards and happily without her.You have happy times ahead of you.🌈

"Weddings are all about photos "

No they really are not.

This is one of the worst things I've read from a so-called friend on here. Who puts their idealised vision of the wedding party over their friend? Nobody with an ounce of self-awareness.

I wouldn't even dignify it with a response. That message would genuinely be the last word in our friendship.

"So you've dressed up your own need for an instaworthy wedding as consideration for me? If you were thinking of me, you'd have asked me how I'd feel about those dresses, not decided how you think I would feel"

I wouldn't respond either, I'd decline the wedding invitation and sure as he'll won't be buying a wedding present

Weddings are all about photos no they really aren't.

‘I won’t be available to attend your wedding but hope I can make it to the next one’

I'm Team Bye , Bitch! Wrt this.