To think my friend doesn’t want me as a bridesmaid because of my size...?

[Dandylioness1]

One of my very close friends got engaged a few months ago.

We’ve been friends for a long time and over the years she has always made references to me being a bridesmaid when she gets married.

This afternoon she tagged 4 friends on Facebook
introducing them as her “team bride”.

I felt really upset about it, but still, I messaged her to say congratulations on the team bride.

She replied saying she really wanted me to be a part of it but it wouldn’t have been right for me.
I replied asking her what she meant by that.

(SEE THE SCREENSHOT OF HER REPLY)

Last year I had a baby and I’ve gained weight since becoming pregnant (nearly 3stone ) I do feel awful about myself, which I’ve told my friend several times.

I appreciate she thinks she’s taking my feelings into consideration, but I feel so hurt at her reasons for not asking me to be a bridesmaid.

All 4 girls she’s picked are super stick thin (as is my friend) maybe size 8/10’s, I’m a size 16/18 and I can’t help but feel I’d ruin the “image” if she picked me and that’s exactly why she hasn’t asked me.

She is right that I wouldn’t feel great in that dress right now, but her wedding isn’t until May next year which would’ve given me plenty of time to lose some weight!!

AIBU to think she doesn’t want me in her team bride because of how I look, she’s thinking more about having “perfect” pictures, and just using my feelings as an excuse?

Reply ‘do you know it’s really funny and I’ve recently set my heart on the type of friendships I want to nurture in the future and it turns out, you just don’t fit the bill. Gosh what a coincidence. Hope you have a fabulous wedding (and life) all the best, byeeeeeeeeee xxxxxx

Wise and wonderful words. This is just perfect.

@Tal45

I would reply that you would have happily worn the dress for her because friendship is more important than looks to you. Bitch.

This!

What a cow. OP she is not your friend!
She's a cunt & narcissist. Get rid.

She’s a bitch. She’s using the ‘way you feel about yourself’ as a way to legitimise her horrible behaviour. I’m so sorry OP 💐. I would drop her like a hot brick.

I’m a longtime lurker but felt compelled to post after seeing that awful message from your friend! When I got married I had 4 bridesmaids ranging from a size 8 to a size 22. I found a company that does bridesmaids dresses in loads of different styles to suit all body shapes. I chose the fabric that I liked and then they all chose a style that they felt comfy in. My wedding photos (not that it matters) look great because they all look relaxed and happy! I think your ‘friend’ is showing her colours as a truly awful person.

That is so, so hurtful. If she cared so much about your feelings, why didn’t she ask you how you wanted to go about it, whether you would feel comfortable etc, before deciding for you and posting “ team bride” on Facebook. She must have known that seeing that post would hurt you, that being excluded would hurt you. Even if she sees the error of her ways, I don’t think you can get round this without you feeling even more uncomfortable and hurt. Sack her and her precious wedding right off!

@Egghead68

Don’t respond. Don’t go to the wedding. Ditch the bitch.

This. Absolutely this. She is not your friend.

Well someone has been drinking the Instagram kool-aid.

My one bit of advice is not to reply until you feel ready. You don't have to reply at all.

I hope this thread has given you the confidence to decide for yourself whether you want to maintain this friendship.

I think I would withdraw for a few months and let her get on with it. Build on other friendships. Enjoy your baby and (fingers crossed) a good year. A life well lived is the best revenge/antidote - It's trite but true

Shes not your friend, shes a bitch. Of course its about the look! She could easily of accommodated you, there are normally different options of sumilar BM’s dresses to suit all body types.

Lose the weight and go to her wedding being sure to get everything done, hair, face, nails, the works.

Upstage her, wear white if you must

Oh :( It's sad that she didn't even ask.

From now until the wedding is over you're just going to have to accept that the good, kind, reasonable friend you knew and loved has been replaced by a bat-shit crazy alien. She'll probably return after, but in the meantime be glad you dont have to deal with it. Focus on yourself, get your figure back if you want and in your own time. Go to her wedding in May with your chin up.

I use this word very infrequently, but you 'friend' is an absolute cunt.

On the bright side, not being part of thr wedding party would seem to be dodging a bullet - real life isn't a magazine shoot, and if you can't afford the Kardashian wedding planning budget but want the same overall effect, you need to spend a lot of time - I bet team bride are put to work for months before.

Someone who has planned their wedding details before they are engaged is all about the perfect day. This is a clear sign of a fucking nightmare. You are well out of it!

If you still haven't replied, I would leave it, or reply just "understood."

Nothing you can say will make her realise what she's doing. Just ride it out and hope once she's back from honeymoon she realises the damage she's caused and tries to rebuild bridges.

@Bluesheep8

Reply ‘do you know it’s really funny and I’ve recently set my heart on the type of friendships I want to nurture in the future and it turns out, you just don’t fit the bill. Gosh what a coincidence. Hope you have a fabulous wedding (and life) all the best, byeeeeeeeeee xxxxxx

Wise and wonderful words. This is just perfect.

This

Ouch, how heartless. She's no friend of yours. She'd rather have bridesmaids that fit her 'image' even if that means hurting your feelings.

She may look stunning on her special day next year but she's not beautiful on the inside and that's what counts. Looks face eventually.

Fade

For all those that are saying we don’t know what the bride is going through, blah blah blah. All she needed to do was open her mouth and have a conversation with her friend before announcing on social media. Simple.

Yes it is about her attitude to her friends weight gain and the carefully worded message to try and show herself in a positive light that she is thinking of her friends feelings. But this just shows that the dynamics are utterly screwed in this relationship.

She is very shallow, she clearly does not care and she is too coward to talk to one of her ‘closest’ friends before making the announcement.

I’d not care that I wasn’t bridesmaid, what I would care about it the all of disrespect your friend has for you.

Sadly, the way you respond now will lead the relationship going forward. If you are accepting of what she says, you’re a doormat, if you challenge she will get on her high horse and say your reading things into what she said. You don’t win in this situation.

As wise mumsnetters say, she has told you who she is. Listen to that, hear it. This is not a fabulous friendship (because she would never do that to you if it were).

Sorry she has put you in this position. Also work on body positivity, love yourself no matter what, will be easier to reach those goals if you do (otherwise you’ll never be satisfied with your achievements).

How very cruel. I would have nothing to do with her ever again.

Before you reply, decide what you want. Some options:

1. End the friendship
2. Tell her how hurtful it is, but not aim to end the friendship
3. Not confront her

AIBU to think she doesn’t want me in her pictures because of how I look

No, no you are not being unreasonable because that is just what she has told you. She cares more about her photos than her friends apparently. If the dress really didn’t suit you, she could have got something in same colour and material but slightly different shape. I thought that was quite normal, I have seen many wedding photos where the bridesmaids are coordinated in that way rather than identical.

Sometimes no response is the best response and I think this is one of those times. If you answer she will draw on the whole it is for your good and then spin it to others about how she was being so considerate. I wouldn’t reply, I would draw a line under this friendship. To me this is unforgivable.

I would not reply to it at all but i would use it as incentive to lose the weight and turn up in a fabulous frock to her wedding and totally outshine the bridesmaids.

I don’t agree with the suggestion of losing the weight and turning up at the wedding- not a good weight loss motivator also it gives credence to the vile view that you only look good if you are thin. That’s giving the bride some sort of power

Personally I would just not respond. Ever. And use the money that would have been spent on going to her wedding on a fabulous night out.

What should you reply to her text? 'You can fuck your stupid superficial wedding, you bitch'???

It just goes to show that you could look beautiful and like a model but be utterly ugly inside.

She's no friend if she puts looks before people who are close to her. It'll be a showy Instagram wedding. All fake. You've dodged a bullet OP!

I think I would do a polite(ish) reply that made it clear that the friendship was over.

Something like:

Thank you for letting me know. Hope the wedding goes well. Best wishes for your future happiness.

She won’t know what to make of it but also won’t be able to then bitch about you to her other friends/team bride.

Spare feelings?! Please!

Imagine being the sort of person that puts your desire for a style of a bridesmaid dress over having your best friends support you?!

There should be no feelings to spare, because only a psychopath cares more about dress style than friends.

What a bitch!!!
I wouldn't be her friend - friends don't do that they'd choose something else same colour for you or change all the dresses

She's selfish and cruel

And I wouldn't be going to the wedding either