To think my friend doesn’t want me as a bridesmaid because of my size...?

[Dandylioness1]

One of my very close friends got engaged a few months ago.

We’ve been friends for a long time and over the years she has always made references to me being a bridesmaid when she gets married.

This afternoon she tagged 4 friends on Facebook
introducing them as her “team bride”.

I felt really upset about it, but still, I messaged her to say congratulations on the team bride.

She replied saying she really wanted me to be a part of it but it wouldn’t have been right for me.
I replied asking her what she meant by that.

(SEE THE SCREENSHOT OF HER REPLY)

Last year I had a baby and I’ve gained weight since becoming pregnant (nearly 3stone ) I do feel awful about myself, which I’ve told my friend several times.

I appreciate she thinks she’s taking my feelings into consideration, but I feel so hurt at her reasons for not asking me to be a bridesmaid.

All 4 girls she’s picked are super stick thin (as is my friend) maybe size 8/10’s, I’m a size 16/18 and I can’t help but feel I’d ruin the “image” if she picked me and that’s exactly why she hasn’t asked me.

She is right that I wouldn’t feel great in that dress right now, but her wedding isn’t until May next year which would’ve given me plenty of time to lose some weight!!

AIBU to think she doesn’t want me in her team bride because of how I look, she’s thinking more about having “perfect” pictures, and just using my feelings as an excuse?

It sounds to me as though she's aiming for the "perfect" wedding, including matching stepford wife bridesmaids, and is placing more importance on how the photos will look than her friendship with you. The message is as sensitive as could be considering she's basically telling you you're too fat for the photos, making up a "you won't be comfortable in the dress" BS excuse. So hurtful.

How awful of your ‘friend’ - it’s not enough for her to exclude you due to your appearance, she has to also make out like she’s doing you a favour.

I simply could not be friends with someone who chose a dress over our friendship.

I do think that people should be able to choose whoever they want in their bridal party and not feel obliged to do things in a particular way to keep others happy/included. However, her reasons are completely bonkers and it would make me question how much she values me / our friendship.

I'm not surprised your upset how awfull. Did you reply? I would put something like...ok, i just want you to know that i am very upset. Least i know where i stand, have a lovely wedding i hope the photos live up to your super slim expectations. Then block her, she no friend.

Woah. My jaw dropped at that message.

I’d have my friend as bm and be happy for them to choose whatever dress suited them and they felt happy in.

Stuff ‘team bride’. It’s cringey and wanky and she is going to be the biggest bridezilla of all time. You’re well out of it

Lose the weight, get a stunning dress and go to the wedding

Tell everyone you were meant to be a bridesmaid but the bride said you couldn’t as you were to fat...

'Friend' does sound like a superficial cow for sure. I'd leave this one to karma and hope that the bridesmaids all fall pregnant in November.

Personally I wouldn’t go as she is an awful person... wait to see how karma gets her and she puts on weight after having children

I think you have 2 choices.

Ditch her now.

Or

Lose that weight as you want to. Turn up to the wedding and 'accidentally' leave lots of printed copies of that text lying around - then never speak to her again!

That text is dreadful. It's all about her knowing how'll you'll feel to try and dress up what she actually feels.

Who gives a good what size anyone is and what dress they wear? Friendship should be more important and should last far longer than the 10 hours of a wedding day.

I just wanted to add to my previous post, I hope she shits herself in the street (Bridesmaids film style).

On a serious note, I've woke up this morning and still feel so so angry for you!

This "team bride" bullshit 😖 I'm 28, I was 21 when I got married. I asked my closest friends to be my bridesmaids (1 was maid of honour) and I look back on the pictures now with so many happy memories, they look beautiful, comfortable, we are laughing in the photos, cuddling, dancing, true friendship. You can see the love and happiness just looking at the photo album. I cannot imagine ever hurting my "friend" like this.

Does her groom know he's marrying such a selfish, shallow, stuck up bitch or is he blind to it?

You are worth a million of her. Run from this friendship, you are worthy and beautiful and a dress size means nothing.

If you're struggling with what to reply, then maybe don't. You don't owe her any further communication.

Do you want to continue being friends with her?

I personally would say something like "I'm really disappointed that you'd pick the dress and the way photos look over your friends. You didn't ask me how I would feel, it's just a convenient excuse. Dont worry though, I'll be having a lovely time on your wedding day, because I'll be on holiday far far away.''

Am I the only one wonder exactly what kind of dresses they are? Are they body con ?

I changed my dress colour/choice to suit my friends. Whole wedding colour theme changed so my friend felt comfortable- that's what you do when having your friend as a bridesmaid is more important.

I haven't rtft but just wanted to say that your friend is a superficial cow.

She is prioritising the image she wants to present over friendship, which is beyond ridiculous and also very cruel to you.

I'd reply : I didn't mind not being asked to be a bridesmaid at all but now I know it's because I'm too fat for the image you want to convey, I'm appalled by how superficial and cruel that is.'

Up to you whether you never speak to her again or turn up on the day looking better than any of them.

It's the "I wouldn't want to compromise and change my dresses" that does it for me. Who gets so attached to bridesmaid dresses before they've even been proposed to!

@wishes1111

I just wanted to add to my previous post, I hope she shits herself in the street (Bridesmaids film style).

On a serious note, I've woke up this morning and still feel so so angry for you!

This "team bride" bullshit 😖 I'm 28, I was 21 when I got married. I asked my closest friends to be my bridesmaids (1 was maid of honour) and I look back on the pictures now with so many happy memories, they look beautiful, comfortable, we are laughing in the photos, cuddling, dancing, true friendship. You can see the love and happiness just looking at the photo album. I cannot imagine ever hurting my "friend" like this.

Does her groom know he's marrying such a selfish, shallow, stuck up bitch or is he blind to it?

You are worth a million of her. Run from this friendship, you are worthy and beautiful and a dress size means nothing.

Also on the back of this, I never had "dream bridesmaid dresses", I had an idea of my "dream wedding dress" like most women when planning their wedding.

I went with the styles my bridesmaids loved and matched the colours.

I would reply that you would have happily worn the dress for her because friendship is more important than looks to you.
Bitch.

What an absolute bitch! She's shallow and self centred. I'm sorry op what a cow. New friends needed.

@gildalily

'Friend' does sound like a superficial cow for sure. I'd leave this one to karma and hope that the bridesmaids all fall pregnant in November.

And actually, as your friend, it was her job to choose a dress you could feel great in, and give you the choice of whether you wanted to be a bridesmaid or not. As an adult I'm sure you're capable of deciding whether to accept or decline due to anxiety about the day. This is what all right-thinking brides I've ever known have done anyway. Honestly, my jaw hit the floor when I read her text. I'd be tempted to share it on sm it's exactly the sort of thing that would gain traction and help her to see what a dick she is.

There is the danger that if she chooses bridemaids to match the dresses that they may outshine her on the photos (evil )

Sorry if this has been said,haven’t had time to read every page as I am getting ready for work.
She sounds like a bride from Say Yes To The Dress ( Bridesmaids)

I wouldn’t be able to get over the fact that she’s used the confidences I had shared with her regarding my weight insecurities as a reason to exclude me. You may consider her a close friend but she doesn’t seem to be a good friend.

Some might say she was trying to be sensitive, but if so wouldn’t she have:

1. Spoken to OP and asked her opinion on the situation, the wedding is a year away after all, and sometimes a goal can be very motivating

1. Proactively told OP she’s not in team bride before the bridesmaid post was made public, even via an actual conversation and not on a text exchange that OP prompted.

She may not be an awful person, but she’s not conducted herself well here.

That’s so unbelievably cruel. She’s not a real friend.

@Aprilwasverywet

Just message that you are more than happy to wear the dress of her choice. Whatever the size dress it may be... Tell her that your i friendship overrides any low esteem feelings you may have about your post baby weight.. Make her squirm.

This ! Put her on the spot so she's forced to admit her shallow priority of aesthetic over friendship.

Oh OP, that is just wicked and you must be so hurt. She is no friend of yours. Some context, my lovely friend married some years ago and asked me to be bridesmaid alongside a couple of cousins. When we went shopping for dresses, her first words were “Right, the bridesmaid dresses need to suit you because they’ll look great in whatever we choose”. Insensitive? Not at all, an acknowledgement of fact. The others were tall, skinny late teen girls whereas I was a short, overweight 35 year old. We all looked great and the photos were gorgeous.

The bigger point was that the others looked pretty on the day but did fuck all else. I went to the dress fittings, organised the hen do, went to wedding fairs, helped with endless organisation, attended rehearsals and (crucially) made sure the Mother of the Bride was kept under control during the day. All the stuff that best mates do (and I didn’t resent a moment of it, she was no bridezilla). The others did nothing except wear their dresses, spend way too long on hair and makeup so the bride was rushed (and I did my own) and whinge about not being able to hang out with their boyfriends while we were doing photos and having the reception.

So good luck with Team Bride.