To think my friend doesn’t want me as a bridesmaid because of my size...?

[Dandylioness1]

One of my very close friends got engaged a few months ago.

We’ve been friends for a long time and over the years she has always made references to me being a bridesmaid when she gets married.

This afternoon she tagged 4 friends on Facebook
introducing them as her “team bride”.

I felt really upset about it, but still, I messaged her to say congratulations on the team bride.

She replied saying she really wanted me to be a part of it but it wouldn’t have been right for me.
I replied asking her what she meant by that.

(SEE THE SCREENSHOT OF HER REPLY)

Last year I had a baby and I’ve gained weight since becoming pregnant (nearly 3stone ) I do feel awful about myself, which I’ve told my friend several times.

I appreciate she thinks she’s taking my feelings into consideration, but I feel so hurt at her reasons for not asking me to be a bridesmaid.

All 4 girls she’s picked are super stick thin (as is my friend) maybe size 8/10’s, I’m a size 16/18 and I can’t help but feel I’d ruin the “image” if she picked me and that’s exactly why she hasn’t asked me.

She is right that I wouldn’t feel great in that dress right now, but her wedding isn’t until May next year which would’ve given me plenty of time to lose some weight!!

AIBU to think she doesn’t want me in her team bride because of how I look, she’s thinking more about having “perfect” pictures, and just using my feelings as an excuse?

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon

She sounds like she’s genuinely trying to put your feelings first.

I’d also feel uncomfortable in certain clothes and it would make me self concious.

I think she’s trying to be a good friend.

That's what I gleaned. Especially as the OP has mentioned how bad she feels multiple times.

As you say OP, the wedding is not until next may. There's nothing stopping you being comfortable for it, bridesmaid or not.

That a cunt.

I'd be tempted to lose the weight and turn up in the most fabulous white dress.

@AbsolutelyPatsy

she is a bridezilla

Of the highest order!

Op do you have many mutual friends with bridezillla?

have written, deleted and rewritten a reply 100000 times

I can’t find the right works. 🙁

Saying nothing always speaks volumes.

Oh op, what a difficult read. That must have stung. I think count your blessings now you're going to avoid having to deal with a bridezilla!!! I can't imagine being in her 'team bride' (ps how cringy is that name) is going to be much fun over the next few months. I imagine they'll all be treading on eggshells trying to make her vision a reality. I'd much rather be part of a fun laid back wedding. It's the people around her that should matter, not the aesthetics of it all.

She’s probably saved you a lot of drama. Imagine being in the wedding party of someone like this!
The hen party demands, the demands on your appearance up to the wedding. I know a bride who wanted her permission to be asked before the bridesmaids had haircuts/ dyes before the wedding and wouldn’t allow one of her bridesmaids to dye her hair red.
Madness.
Fuck her. She sounds awful.

She is an absolute bitch, my best friend didn't feel confident about herself so I chose the dresses around what she would feel most confident and comfortable in and she did the same when it was her wedding. She could have worn a pair of jeans and a hoody and I would still have wanted her there. It would have been inconceivable not to have her standing right beside me on my wedding day and vice versa because its about celebrating with the people you love not a fucking photo shoot. You need new friends

What I would do in this situation is try to lose some weight over the year, get a beautiful dress and attend the wedding. Make her regret the choice she made.

She is no friend. I wouldn't even be going to the wedding.

She’s a bitch. The dresses are clearly more important to her than who is wearing them.

But at least she’s honest.

I’d reply with “thank you for your honesty. I’m disappointed the style of dress seems to be more important to you than who your bridesmaids are and as a result I’ll miss out. But I’m sure I’ll get over it”.

Then you get yourself on a diet, sign yourself up for the gym, hide yourself away from your friend for the next however many months (she will be too busy wedding planning with her bridesmaids after all...) and you do a big reveal of your amazing figure in an amazing dress at the wedding.

In your face bridey.

Ouch, that's horrible

I would send a polite / curt reply eg "All noted. Sorry to hear that" and then seriously reconsider the friendship. A true friend would have asked you to be BM, and IF YOU felt uncomfortable, found another way for you to be included / important on the day

@TriteMale

I think it's a bit dramatic to make it 'the dress vs a friend'.

The bride chose the dresses she likes ages ago and doesn't want to cause her self conscious friend any embarrassment. Maybe the OP could just grit her teeth for this one occasion and wear the dress for her best mate's wedding.

Did you even read the OP? She's not a bridesmaid at all. The bride decided that she's having the bridesmaids dresses she wants and that as OP isn't uncomfortable at her current weight, is better off not being a bridesmaid as the dress wouldn't suit her. And this is AFTER announcing her bridesmaid on social media rather than sitting down with OP and having a proper chat about the whole thing.

She's chosen a dress and then thought "Who would make this look amazing in the photographs?" instead of choosing her dearest friends and then finding something they all like.

THAT is dress vs. friend.

I’m struck by the number of people who think that losing weight and trying to ‘outshine’ the bride is the best response, while telling the OP that she should be happy in her body.

@Jennyfromtheculdesac

I agree with your post . She will get her karma if OP tuns up in a stunning dress and all the guests wonder why she is not the bridesmaid.

Dandylioness1 I would leave it for a while so she can really stew and reflect on what she sent. Take your time with your response.

But I'm afraid this is no friend.

A friend of mine became a real pain in the neck over her wedding and it was exhausting and a couple of things went wrong (B&B cancelled booking two weeks before, baby sitter cancelled etc) and my husband refused to go in the end because the bride had become such a pain. We saved ourselves hundreds by not going. We haven't really seen her since.. and I have no regrets. It may be time to let her go and find some new friends..

Correct OP, she doesn’t want you as she’s prioritising a style of dress over having you. She’s no real friend.

She’s horrible.

"I understand your position; thank you for explaining it so clearly. Speak soon, OP"

Brief and enigmatic. If she's got any sense at all she will spot the ice in your tone!

When you do actually speak, offer no solutions at all to any problems and also smile and say 'Ah, that's lovely' a lot. Offer a civil minimum. If she then complains that you don't seem invested in her wedding, state politely that you're protecting your mental heath, and leave the sentence there. Make her squirm.

@TriteMale

I think it's a bit dramatic to make it 'the dress vs a friend'.

The bride chose the dresses she likes ages ago and doesn't want to cause her self conscious friend any embarrassment. Maybe the OP could just grit her teeth for this one occasion and wear the dress for her best mate's wedding.

OP hasn’t been given the option of ‘gritting her teeth and wearing the dress’. She’s been told she’d feel uncomfortable in it so hasn’t been asked to be a bridesmaid.

Absolute bitch! But remember - Revenge is a dish, best served cold.

If it was me, this would be what gave me motivation (my DD is 2 and I'm still carrying baby weight and know how hard it is).

I would start some healthy eating, get a cheap exercise bike and rock up to her wedding rocking a fabulous outfit! (Being me I'd probably go for something white purely to spite her, but hey, that's just how I roll)

You don't need that kind of shite in your life. Good luck to you x

[quote UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa]@Slipperydippery "Alternatively even if she really was trying to be kind, she should have spoken to you first, and ask how you’d feel about wearing the dress, not broadcast something about “team bride” all over Facebook."

Exactly this. She wants to behave terribly but pretend she is a good friend. A good friend would have had a conversation with you about it.[/quote]
Absolutely agree with this.

@TriteMale

I do wonder if the thread would have got different responses if it was the below:

I've had my heart set on these particular dresses for years now, but my friend is uncomfortable wearing hers and wants to change it.

I think a lot of people would be sympathetic but there would be a fair few saying "it's your big day and if she doesn't like it she doesn't have to be a bridesmaid" etc.

It's a tough one IMO and I see both sides.

Yes, but people would be saying "Just talk to your friend" NOT "Choose people that will look good in the dress and announce it in FB; your friend will get the hint."

I wouldn't reply.
She isn't a friend. Id cool things with her and personally wouldn't want to go to such a shit show type of wedding. My gut feeling is this marriage won't last anyway. Make new friends.

Wowzers! That is quite a message.

I think you know her best as a person and need to decide how to respond based on that. She does seem monumentally superficial and has certainly handled the situation really badly.

I love the suggestion of getting in shape and rocking up at her wedding in a white dress !

FWIW I didn't have my best friend as a bridesmaid, for multiple reasons - she strongly disliked the colour of my bridesmaids dresses admittedly, but more importantly lived 100 miles away and had a demanding job with lots of foreign travel which would have made fittings etc challenging.

I discussed it with her and we agreed that she would be my best woman instead - she did everything a chief bridesmaid would do (I just had two flower girls), wore her own choice of outfit, did a reading and was generally fabulous.

Same at her wedding...my DD, her Goddaughter, was a flower girl, whilst I did a reading.

At a minimum I think your friend should have discussed the situation with you rather than just announcing it on FB as a fait accompli, although judging by all the Team Bride BS it wounds like you may well have dodged a bullet.

Bloody hell!! OP, I'm so sorry your ex friend is such a bitch.

I've never been to a wedding where all of the bridesmaids wear the same dress (unless children), all women suit different styles depending on their figure or preferences, just usually try and match the colours. Fancy being that inflexible that you'd rather stamp all over your friend than consider a different dress