To think my friend doesn’t want me as a bridesmaid because of my size...?

[Dandylioness1]

One of my very close friends got engaged a few months ago.

We’ve been friends for a long time and over the years she has always made references to me being a bridesmaid when she gets married.

This afternoon she tagged 4 friends on Facebook
introducing them as her “team bride”.

I felt really upset about it, but still, I messaged her to say congratulations on the team bride.

She replied saying she really wanted me to be a part of it but it wouldn’t have been right for me.
I replied asking her what she meant by that.

(SEE THE SCREENSHOT OF HER REPLY)

Last year I had a baby and I’ve gained weight since becoming pregnant (nearly 3stone ) I do feel awful about myself, which I’ve told my friend several times.

I appreciate she thinks she’s taking my feelings into consideration, but I feel so hurt at her reasons for not asking me to be a bridesmaid.

All 4 girls she’s picked are super stick thin (as is my friend) maybe size 8/10’s, I’m a size 16/18 and I can’t help but feel I’d ruin the “image” if she picked me and that’s exactly why she hasn’t asked me.

She is right that I wouldn’t feel great in that dress right now, but her wedding isn’t until May next year which would’ve given me plenty of time to lose some weight!!

AIBU to think she doesn’t want me in her team bride because of how I look, she’s thinking more about having “perfect” pictures, and just using my feelings as an excuse?

How incredibly hurtful @Dandylioness1. These weddings where it's about the look or the photographs are miserable and the opposite of what a wedding and marriage is supposed to be about. If someone is more interested in how you look rather than how you feel then recognise that and distance yourself slowly.
Personally, I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of knowing how hurt you are. She sounds like she'd just turn it into a drama and it would be a bitchfest with Team Bride. It's hard but rise above. I genuinely mean this but her wedding will be a shit show, full of drama in the run up and the day will be ruined by the wrong shade of peonies or a cake layer being 10 degrees squint. You're well out of it. Cuddle your baby and find people who are worth your time - you sound lovely.

Say nothing then when the wedding invite comes reply.

I will decline due you previous message where you expressed you had concerns about my weight spoiling your wedding .
So I will bow out of your wedding and our friendship.

I would be so hurt by that. What will she do if one of the bridesmaids gets pregnant and doesn’t fit her aesthetic? She sounds like a shallow bitch but also has been incredibly hurtful in the way she has spoken to you (both that message but announcing her bridal party on Facebook).

In contrast, I wanted my bridesmaids to be happy. I picked a colour and then they had complementary dresses that suited them.

Thank your lucky stars she has shown you who she is. I suspect she’ll be a v demanding bride and the bridesmaids will be running around after her. I think you need to be prepared for this thread to go into the press.

That's the Most shallow thing I've ever read. I would t want to be friends with her anymore she is not a real friend. I would want my best friend no matter what size she was I would get her a dress that she liked I would t care about the bloody photos. How awful

I agree with others that silence is the best response for now. Don’t get into it. Let her reflect on what she’s said.

Don’t respond. Don’t go to the wedding. Ditch the bitch.

How would anyone want to marry her !

This is awful. Do you feel like even going to the wedding now?

@AntiStars

My bridesmaid was a size 16/18 post lockdown and has extensive scarring down her arms which I know she’s very self conscious about. I gave her complete choice over her dress then asked the florist to make the bouquets/colour scheme compliment whatever she chose. If she’s a true friend then she should want you to look and feel happy on her wedding day. My bridesmaid ended up with 2 x the same dresses in different sizes and I was very proud on the day when she told me it was the size 14/16 that she had worn. She was equally delighted to be able to take the 26/18 back unworn for a refund and she only had 6 weeks to lose the weight.

Does your friend know that you have posted these photos of her, showing her face, and also talking about her scarred arms? The actual post is great and you showed kindness and compassion to your friend, but it’s very identifying for her.

Did you reply?

I think I would have to reply something like...

I’ve slept on this message as I haven’t been able to really process it until now.

So many questions pop up and the main one I keep coming back to is how does the dress trump a friendship? And since when do you tell me how I feel about wearing this or that? You’ve made quite the assumption about me, my size, my feelings. All whilst not actually talking to me. I’m baffled. And trying to wrap it all up in some disingenuous “I’m just thinking about you” is as offensive as it is transparent.
I haven’t got the headspace to help you work out why you’ve been so shallow and nasty.

Nothing but good wishes for you and your fiancé.

God that's a horrible message. And there's no denying it, she's laid out in black and white that looks are more important to her than people.

At least you know. She is not your friend. I would just reply with OK, understood, and leave it at that. And focus on your own life, get fit/lose weight if you want to and definitely replace this god awful excuse of a friend.

I'm actually on the fence here. I'm not convinced that she's done it for exactly the reasons that people have assumed. You were always going to get people calling her awful things on here because anything about weddings, automatically on MN the bride is awful... so I would step away from some of the more awful ideas on this thread.
Only you know your friend and truly can talk with her about her intentions as it's not clear from text messages really.
I had a friend who I wanted as a bridesmaid but who I asked to do a reading instead as she is very self conscious, has always been completely conscious of her weight and comparing herself and we had an honest conversation about how she would feel. Which was that she absolutely did not want to be a bridesmaid! I also had my SIL who was a couple of sizes bigger that the rest and spent the whole time worrying, worrying me and generally doing it because she felt obliged...! Which she shouldn't have! I thought I was being Nice asking her! So I just don't think it's as clear cut as calling her a c*nt....
Hope it all works out.

This would be like a red rag to a bull for me.
I'd shift the weight and be planning THE wedding guest dress to end all wedding guest dresses. After that I'd ditch the cow.

she is a bridezilla

What a b1tch. She's more worried about the wedding photos than good friends?

Find yourself a new friend - someone who is kind and genuine. You deserve better.

Wow! I can't believe what I have just read. Firstly she's not a friend I would want, she's fake, superficial and is trying to dress it up as she's thinking if you.... I know her type!
One of my bridesmaids was a size 18 but I didnt care, she's my friend and I wanted her to be my bridesmaid regardless of her size.

Honestly OP I hope you do not go to her wedding and tell her to do one! You dont need her in your life. Take care x

I'd be hurt
I was a bridesmaid for one of my best friends 5 weeks after giving birth. I was fat and wobbly and didn't look the same as the others as I wore underwear with shoulder straps on a strapless dress but the bride didn't care as she is my friend!

Nope nope nope nope nope! @Dandylioness1 when I got married they could wear what they wanted. I’m sorry, but having people there who I loved was so much more important than as the aesthetic.

@Dandylioness1 She is not a friend. If this was genuine, she would have contacted you first and spoken to you about ‘Team Bride’ (puke) before announcing it on Facebook. She has repeatedly hurt your feelings.

She is not a friend.

I don’t know if you have replied, but I would not be upset about not being part of her wedding. This friendship is not one I’d be mourning. She hasn’t considered you at all in anything. She’s not nice.

Don't respond to her text but when the invitation arrives, decline with a note, "unfortunately your wedding falls on the same day as a very good friend so I won't be able to attend yours"

That’s no friend. You deserve better. I’m so sorry she’s done this to you

OP,
Some of your messages suggest that she is somewhat justified for treating you this way.
You don't deserve this, and she is being hideous. Stop 'agreeing' with her assessment that you are less than because of your size.
If you want to lose the weight, by all means, do it, but not for her, or out of revenge.
And I would suggest that you don't attend her wedding- no good can come if it.
Do something wonderful and fun surrounded by the people who love you.

• some of your messages suggest that YOU THINK she is justified 🥴

I'd be tempted to go, weight lost or not, and when asked why you're not a bridesmaid tell people that the "Bride said didn't want me as a bridesmaid because I'm too fat for her photos."

The fact she already decided who her bridemaids were going to be without discussing it with you shows she had no intention of letting you into the bridal party and is now trying to twist it round to make it look like she was trying to spare your feelings. A real friend would have had the conversation with you before, talking honestly about whether you'd want to be bridesmaid or not given the dress etc. I wouldn't reply and I also would no longer have a friendship with her.