To think my friend doesn’t want me as a bridesmaid because of my size...?

[Dandylioness1]

One of my very close friends got engaged a few months ago.

We’ve been friends for a long time and over the years she has always made references to me being a bridesmaid when she gets married.

This afternoon she tagged 4 friends on Facebook
introducing them as her “team bride”.

I felt really upset about it, but still, I messaged her to say congratulations on the team bride.

She replied saying she really wanted me to be a part of it but it wouldn’t have been right for me.
I replied asking her what she meant by that.

(SEE THE SCREENSHOT OF HER REPLY)

Last year I had a baby and I’ve gained weight since becoming pregnant (nearly 3stone ) I do feel awful about myself, which I’ve told my friend several times.

I appreciate she thinks she’s taking my feelings into consideration, but I feel so hurt at her reasons for not asking me to be a bridesmaid.

All 4 girls she’s picked are super stick thin (as is my friend) maybe size 8/10’s, I’m a size 16/18 and I can’t help but feel I’d ruin the “image” if she picked me and that’s exactly why she hasn’t asked me.

She is right that I wouldn’t feel great in that dress right now, but her wedding isn’t until May next year which would’ve given me plenty of time to lose some weight!!

AIBU to think she doesn’t want me in her team bride because of how I look, she’s thinking more about having “perfect” pictures, and just using my feelings as an excuse?

It’s a horribly shallow and hurtful message. Personally I would reply something like “I understand” and leave the friendship there.

However I hope this doesn’t make it into the press and I wouldn’t show her this thread. Nobody deserves online abuse by hundreds of strangers or to be publically shamed and dragged through the mud without impunity. Totally disproportionate and this stuff ruins lives. We have no idea who this woman is or what is happening in her life.
People make mistakes. We’re all dicks to a greater or lesser extent at some point in our lives. Let she who has never regretted being thoughtless or hurtful to a friend cast the first stone. Some of the vitriolic comments on here are horrible. Rise above, OP.

Do you watch Motherland?
Your relationship reminds me of Amada and Anne 😳

How hurtful op.

I think I would reply something like

Yes I absolutely understand a dress is more important than friendship for you right now.

I hope her skinny friends either get pregnant or put on a significant amount of weight between now and the wedding.

My bridesmaid was a size 16/18 post lockdown and has extensive scarring down her arms which I know she’s very self conscious about. I gave her complete choice over her dress then asked the florist to make the bouquets/colour scheme compliment whatever she chose. If she’s a true friend then she should want you to look and feel happy on her wedding day. My bridesmaid ended up with 2 x the same dresses in different sizes and I was very proud on the day when she told me it was the size 14/16 that she had worn. She was equally delighted to be able to take the 26/18 back unworn for a refund and she only had 6 weeks to lose the weight.

How about "Don't worry friend, I'm not offended - I'll get the weight off in time for your next one & be your bridesmaid then".

“Team Bride” 🤮

Obviously if she really cared about your feelings she would have spoken to you before announcing her ‘team bride’ on Facebook.

I’m not sure what I’d reply to be honest. I certainly wouldn’t be going to Hen parties etc (if invited)

I think I’d just not reply, be too busy with your baby to go to any events etc and have another event that that’s booked for her wedding date and just distance yourself. She’s not worth your time, energy or friendship.

Xx

I think your reply needs to reflect how you are feeling and why her response can be seen as so hurtful. Eg ‘I was really looking forward to being your bridesmaid as has previously been planned/discussed and was hoping to use it as the final kick of motivation I needed to lose my extra weight as I know how important the wedding pics are to you. To be honest finding out that I am now not to be included because of my suitability to the dress chosen has really hurt and I would be happy to source my own dress/get one made in a matching colour if this suits as would hate to think that a dress could stop me being a significant part of your wedding when our friendship over the years has mattered so much more’

I just wouldn’t reply OP. Dignified silence

Ouch.
I couldn't imagine saying something so hurtful to a friend. Then making out like l was doing her a favour.
Think l would have to write sarky reply to that.

Or keep a dignified silence as pp suggested!

But why would anyone want to be friends with a dick like this?

I mean all of it - bloody obsessing about bridesmaid dresses, 'team bride', 'the girls' - is just tedious, vacuous crap.

She's not a friend I would want.

Shallow, shallow, shallow.

What a bitch. The friendship would be over for me.

Speechless after reading her response. I’d cut the friendship (although that’s not what it is as no one would treat a friend that way) right there. Removing that from your life is no loss, can only be a gain.

@Superfoodie123

If I were you, this would motivate me to lose a few pounds and rock up to the wedding looking hotter than any of her 'team bride'

Or just don't go at all! What a cow, don't understand why she's even discussing your weight

And wear a stunning white dress.

Block and move on! She is no friend!

Dignified silence is the way to go op. Move forward and leave her to the wayside.

My 'best' friend did this to me. Had someone taller & slimmer as her bridesmaid even tho we had always said we would have either other. We were both always bigger girls and then she lost loads of weight for her wedding and suddenly didn't want a fat bridesmaid so she chose someone else.

Firstly, a size 8/10 isn’t “super stick thin”, it’s just a normal, healthy weight.

Secondly, I do think she is trying to consider your feelings.

Thirdly, even if she did ask you because of the weight and you say you’ll lose it, there’s no guarantee of that.

The problem is that she didn't give you the option.
She has handled it extremely insensitively. What she should have said IN ADVANCE (and certainly before posting her bride team on social media ) is ' the bridesmaid dresses I've chosen are very fitted; just checking that you're happy to wear it, or if you'd rather be a normal guest then I'd understand.'
As good former friends, you should be able to be open and honest with each other. The issue is that she didn't bother taking your views into account from the start'. Or give you the chance to lose weight if that's what you wanted to do.

@ragged

Fat ppl are always planning to lose weight & it doesn't quite happen. Can't rely on a plan to lose weight. Not all styles do suit all body sizes.

I dunno... friend is bridezilla to want a specific dress style so much. OP is guestilla to presume OP should be a bridesmaid. OP asked for honesty but can't take it.

:( that OP might lose entire friendship over this issue.

Wow have u actually thought that its not a requirement of a fat people to loose weight we can be ok in our body without the assumption we should loose weight. U have totally missed the point that the bride has choosen a dress over a person. The friendship isnt a real friendship, if thats a friend who needs enemies!

What a bitch - what a horrible manipulative message. If I bothered replying it would be something like, ‘Your message was cruel and I’m devastated. Never in a million years did I think you were the kind of person who would prioritise a dress over a friendship’. She will look back on this and cringe.

Horrible. Putting her dress choice above a friendship.

I can't believe she chose people to go with the dresses rather than pick the people then find something for them to wear.

My bridesmaids all wore dresses they chose themselves in a particular colour scheme. Because I wanted them to be comfortable, so they chose. I like to think that's how you're a good friend, but by excluding someone because 'it's better for you this way'.

I’ve had similar weight gain after children. Married at size 8/10 and now 16/18.
I am really sorry how painful for you.
But I can’t help but feel if my best friend had of put on weight before my wedding I would have changed her bridesmaid dress for her. Unfort I would be querying the shallowness of a friend who is more interested in her wedding photos than a close friendship.
You do you. And if you fancy losing the weight what brilliant motivation to lose it before the wedding.