DS has a child and doesn't want anything to do with him

[Minewo]

I've been lurking for a while but I'm posting as I need advice.

DS is 19 and split up with his girlfriend a few months ago. The other day the girls mum messaged me (we know each other but aren't close) telling me to tell DS to leave her DD alone and stop asking if they can get back together, as her DD doesn't want to get back with him especially as he cheated on her and has a child. I had no idea, I spoke to DS and he denied it at first but then he admitted he has a child but he doesn't want anything to do with it as he was drunk and he told the girl to have an abortion but she didn't.

I just don't know what to do and I just feel so sad as I thought I brought him up better than for him to just abandon his child

I would love to think that these men go through life being shunned and judged for abandoning a child but believe me they don’t. As they live their lives as if the
Child doesn’t exist no one knows and no one judges as they don’t tell anyone And satisfy their own mind but telling themselves “well it was her choice to keep it”

He has asked the girl for an abortion as he doesn't want the child. Why as a woman would we bring the child into the world knowing the father doesn't want it

Oh dear god, that's embarrassing!

These things are not a secret.
Women know that if they accidentally fall pregnant, they will be faced with the choice of keeping the baby or aborting, either of which may be traumatic or life-changing for various reasons.
Men know that if they accidentally impregnate someone, she may not want to abort the child, so they may have to help support that child.

Yes, those are different prospects for men and women. Yes, men do have to accept the woman's choice not to abort, the same as women have to make that choice whether they like it or not.

What's the moral of the story? That men should be extra bloody careful about contraception. NOT that women's choice as to whether to abort a baby should be based on whether they can afford to raise the child on their own.

@EmeraldShamrock No I am not at all. I think people get too emotional and emotive about these sorts of things.

2 people have sex , girl falls pregnant, man says don't want the child asks for an abortion, women says no I'm keeping the child ok fine but then will expect financial support. Why should any person be held account for a decision they did not make?

From my personal experience as a woman I make damn sure I use contraception because I am the one who has to make that decision and would not want to be in this situation. It is not victim blaming it is taking responsibility and ownership

why would you bring a child into the world when the father of the child doesn't want to know - seems very selfish to me. You have been told and warned that the dad doesn't want to know.

Yes there maybe a small chance he changes his mind but very unlikely

Didn’t realise everyone needed permission from a male before continuing their pregnancy(!).

Yes, the fact that men don’t get a say in fatherhood beyond contraception is “unfair” as in it isn’t decided 50:50 but that’s because pregnancy and childbirth is NOT a 50/50 experience. Men do not get to tell women what to do with their pregnancy even if they caused it. Men know how pregnancy works. They know how women get pregnant and they ALSO know that women have bodily autonomy.

The man gets to make his choice before sex, the woman gets to make her choice after sex. It's as simple as that.

Everyone knows that sex can result in babies, it's not as if this is some giant secret, so I never understand why it comes as a surprise that if you have sex (esp. unprotected), a pregnancy might occur.

Good lord I hope I wouldn't treat my sons the way some of you are advocating on this thread.

Grown adults get pregnant accidentally, grown adults walk away from their children every day. Calling a teenager scum and threatening to throw him out is not the way to deal with this.

Like most teenagers (male and female) he probably just thought if he ignored it long enough it would go away. But legally he is an adult. You can't tell him what to do or make him do anything at all. If he thinks you will kick off, be judgemental or demanding then you will never know because he won't talk to you. You can show disappointment without being cruel.

Have a conversation with him, find out what he was thinking, what he thinks should happen now, what steps he's going to take to sort it out and support him to make the right choices.

It's for him to deal with not you. You can't go ringing up random women or their mums asking if your son might be their child's dad. She may have decided she doesn't want anything to do with him or you.

@justsaymaybe

The man gets to make his choice before sex, the woman gets to make her choice after sex. It's as simple as that.

Everyone knows that sex can result in babies, it's not as if this is some giant secret, so I never understand why it comes as a surprise that if you have sex (esp. unprotected), a pregnancy might occur.

Amazing some people can't get their brains around this.

And the implied shame for bringing a fatherless child into the world. Awful.

What a mess - he’s got 18 years now of maintenance to pay for his baby.

[quote Loveacoseynightin]@EmeraldShamrock No I am not at all. I think people get too emotional and emotive about these sorts of things.

2 people have sex , girl falls pregnant, man says don't want the child asks for an abortion, women says no I'm keeping the child ok fine but then will expect financial support. Why should any person be held account for a decision they did not make?

From my personal experience as a woman I make damn sure I use contraception because I am the one who has to make that decision and would not want to be in this situation. It is not victim blaming it is taking responsibility and ownership

why would you bring a child into the world when the father of the child doesn't want to know - seems very selfish to me. You have been told and warned that the dad doesn't want to know.

Yes there maybe a small chance he changes his mind but very unlikely[/quote]
He has a choice not to sleep with the woman or at least wear a condom if he doesn't want a baby. He doesn't get to tell a women what to do with her body after he's impregnated her

I think first of all I would be trying to establish that there definitely is a baby. If this information has come from his ex girlfriend or her mum there wouldn't just be shit stirring maybe?
Anyway if there is a new wee life I agree that the first step is a DNA test and if the baby is his a conversation about how he plans to support financially if nothing else.
Good luck op - parenting is the hardest job

It's time for this little boy to grow up and understand that actions have consequences and it's not all about him and what he wants anymore.

I think you should drag him over, by the ear if necessary, and have a meeting with the girl, the baby and possibly her parents and your son's father as well. Work out the child support payments and visitation and be there to enforce it with your son. And don't leave him alone with the baby until he gets past being one himself.

why would you bring a child into the world when the father of the child doesn't want to know - seems very selfish to me. You have been told and warned that the dad doesn't want to know

Well I brought my first ds into the world on my own. His father was older than me, and I was just a teenager. I was a damn good mum, I now have 3 kids and a lovely dp, home and career. DS's biological father died of a drug over dose recently. How selfish of to bring him into the world knowing that waster didn't want anything to do with him.

@BigHeadBertha

It's time for this little boy to grow up and understand that actions have consequences and it's not all about him and what he wants anymore.

I think you should drag him over, by the ear if necessary, and have a meeting with the girl, the baby and possibly her parents and your son's father as well. Work out the child support payments and visitation and be there to enforce it with your son. And don't leave him alone with the baby until he gets past being one himself.

He's 19, you can't drag him anywhere and with his attitude that won't work. Would also be stupid to do all this without having a DNA test first.

I think you should drag him over, by the ear if necessary, and have a meeting with the girl, the baby and possibly her parents and your son's father as well. Work out the child support payments and visitation and be there to enforce it with your son. And don't leave him alone with the baby until he gets past being one himself.

Don't be ridiculous. This is not a child this is a 19yr old adult. You can't just insert yourselves into a young mother's life without her permission. The very most that you might be able to do is to let the woman know that you are aware of the child and would like to have some involvement. But even that's a stretch.

[quote Loveacoseynightin]@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius he told the girl he didn't want the baby. The women has decided to keep the baby which is her fine it's her choice.

In this instance the man should have the choice and not pay. He asked for an abortion she decided against it so now the father has to pay.

It just seems morally wrong to me that as women we crave for equality etc but then if the man doesn't want the child we can go ahead against his will and then expect financial support for said child.

I know in an ideal world this shouldn't happen plus contraception should be down to both individuals not one.
[/quote]
So you are happy for an innocent child to suffer, @Loveacoseynightin? Really?

NO ONE has a fucking moral obligation to have a medical procedure on his or her body that he or she does not want.

No, he's not acting like an adult at all, he's acting like the teenager that he is. His parents can most certainly try this and should try this and also, no one ruled out a DNA test.

I say this as the parent of two lovely grown sons, who are likely at least partly that way because they had strong parents who would not simply stand by and allow him to behave so abominably. And speaking of "rights," no, this is not his right at all, is it.

My guess is those arguing with my have no experience parenting teenagers. I stand by my post.

[quote Loveacoseynightin]@Iminaglasscaseofemotion so it is only the responsibility of the male for contraception then is it?

I don't know I mean if I don't want to get pregnant I damn make sure I don't.[/quote]
He is 100% responsible for his use of contraception, @Loveacoseynightin. If he didn’t use a condom, he is taking the risk of a pregnancy. He should have used a condom anyway, for his own protection. He didn’t.

He failed to take any responsibility then, and there is no reason the child should pay the price for his reckless stupidity.

Do you think the child deserves to suffer?

@Loveacoseynightin You really don't get it at all. My point was that there are all kinds of situations where someone makes a mistake and that mistake's consequences might be exacerbated by something out of their control. But if the mistake was theirs in the first place, the person doesn't get the option of saying, "oh, but it shouldn't have been a big mistake." That person is still stuck with the responsibility of owning the consequences.

Eg, a child does something a bit naughty - eg turns on the stove. If he's lucky, worst that will happen is he will burn his finger. But it's possible the entire kitchen might go up in flames and he will be badly burnt. Consequences are unpredictable. Which is why we try to teach our children not to do things that could lead to negative consequences. For every consequence that might be relatively minor, there's still the chance that through unforeseen/unpredicted events, it will be much more serious.

@BigHeadBertha

No, he's not acting like an adult at all, he's acting like the teenager that he is. His parents can most certainly try this and should try this and also, no one ruled out a DNA test.

I say this as the parent of two lovely grown sons, who are likely at least partly that way because they had strong parents who would not simply stand by and allow him to behave so abominably. And speaking of "rights," no, this is not his right at all, is it.

My guess is those arguing with my have no experience parenting teenagers. I stand by my post.

That doesn't matter! He's legally an adult. You can't go in there inserting yourself into the mother's life, she may not want that.

Oh, please, here's your Parent of the Year award. Yes, it's all due to you, nothing to do with their own personalities, not even addressing the utterly ridiculous idea that anyone who doesn't go bamboozling and barging into another adult's life or doesn't agree with that has no experience of parenting teenagers .

Err woman get a choice before sex as well. Unless it was rape. She could have not had unprotected sex as well. She’s just as irresponsible as the boy. Unfortunately she’s left holding the baby with no guarantees of any support from the father. That was her choice when she decided to have unprotected sex with a stranger on the first night.

He should have used a condom anyway, for his own protection. He didn’t.

Well he might have, there's no way of knowing since the op didn't say that.