DS has a child and doesn't want anything to do with him

[Minewo]

I've been lurking for a while but I'm posting as I need advice.

DS is 19 and split up with his girlfriend a few months ago. The other day the girls mum messaged me (we know each other but aren't close) telling me to tell DS to leave her DD alone and stop asking if they can get back together, as her DD doesn't want to get back with him especially as he cheated on her and has a child. I had no idea, I spoke to DS and he denied it at first but then he admitted he has a child but he doesn't want anything to do with it as he was drunk and he told the girl to have an abortion but she didn't.

I just don't know what to do and I just feel so sad as I thought I brought him up better than for him to just abandon his child

In this instance the man should have the choice and not pay. He asked for an abortion she decided against it so now the father has to pay.

The man had the choice when he had sex with her?

As humans we take a minimum 1%(?) chance that having sex can result in a baby you will need to pay for. Everybody has that choice (unless rape, ofc).

The man already made his choice.

@CandyFIosss

how often do women give their children up for adoption or abandon them? It's very rare unlike feckless father's which seems to be common

Women absolutely do give their children up for adoption or leave them with family members to care for them instead, from my own experience I know of women who are having to raise their grandchildren as the mums wouldn’t, women also abandon their babies there’s been cases of newborns being abandoned, one very recently, so yes it does happen.

How often do you actually hear about it though? I'd argue it is more common for men to swan off it is somewhat socially acceptable for men not to see their children. It isn't for women.

[quote Loveacoseynightin]@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius he told the girl he didn't want the baby. The women has decided to keep the baby which is her fine it's her choice.

In this instance the man should have the choice and not pay. He asked for an abortion she decided against it so now the father has to pay.

It just seems morally wrong to me that as women we crave for equality etc but then if the man doesn't want the child we can go ahead against his will and then expect financial support for said child.

I know in an ideal world this shouldn't happen plus contraception should be down to both individuals not one.
[/quote]
He had a choice not to sleep with her or to use a condom

He has to learn actions have consequences he cannot ignore the baby and must be responsible.
So many men/boys believe they have the choice walk away or ignore.

Have you spoke to him about the cheating? That kind of thing can scar someone for life.

[quote Loveacoseynightin]@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius he told the girl he didn't want the baby. The women has decided to keep the baby which is her fine it's her choice.

In this instance the man should have the choice and not pay. He asked for an abortion she decided against it so now the father has to pay.

It just seems morally wrong to me that as women we crave for equality etc but then if the man doesn't want the child we can go ahead against his will and then expect financial support for said child.

I know in an ideal world this shouldn't happen plus contraception should be down to both individuals not one.
[/quote]
Oh dear. I'm sure one day you will understand.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion so it is only the responsibility of the male for contraception then is it?

I don't know I mean if I don't want to get pregnant I damn make sure I don't.

how often do women give their children up for adoption or abandon them? It's very rare unlike feckless father's which seems to be common.

To also add to this the reason why adoption and abandonment don’t happen as often is because women have abortions instead, of the women I know most of them have had an abortion at some point in their lives, no one would agree that they should have been forced to be a parent because they chose to have unprotected sex like what people say to men. The fact is the reason why men abandoning children is more common is because they don’t get the choice to abort.

It just seems morally wrong to me that as women we crave for equality etc but then if the man doesn't want the child we can go ahead against his will and then expect financial support for said child.

It astonishes me that people still think like this. You have unprotected sex, there is a risk. It's a risk you need to accept. Just like if you drive a car, there's a risk you'll cause an accident and be punished accordingly - potentially for the rest of your life. If you cause an accident and the other person dies because they had an existing condition that meant they were more badly hurt than someone else would be, do you think the person causing the accident should be able to walk away on the basis that they shouldn't be punished because someone else had a health condition?

But then, I've seen this attitude elsewhere where one "silly mistake" is apparently no reason for someone to expected to take responsibility for more serious long term consequences.

How often do you actually hear about it though? I'd argue it is more common for men to swan off it is somewhat socially acceptable for men not to see their children. It isn't for women.

Because women have abortions when they don’t want to be parents which many do and they are common, men don’t have that choice hence why it looks like it’s mainly men who opt out of parenting, women do it to but it’s called an abortion when a woman does it!

so it is only the responsibility of the male for contraception then is it?
They are both foolish.
I hope you develop a good relationship with your DGC hopefully DS will grow up soon.

I can only assume that poster has a son or partner who has a child he's chosen to have no involvement with and this is how she justifies his shitty behaviour to herself.

'IT'S HER FAULT'

[quote Loveacoseynightin]@Iminaglasscaseofemotion so it is only the responsibility of the male for contraception then is it?

I don't know I mean if I don't want to get pregnant I damn make sure I don't.[/quote]
Well in this case it's the male who isn't taking responsibility so he didn't want a baby then yes he should make sure he has a condom on no matter what the girls is or isn't taking for contraception

@Triffid1

It just seems morally wrong to me that as women we crave for equality etc but then if the man doesn't want the child we can go ahead against his will and then expect financial support for said child.

It astonishes me that people still think like this. You have unprotected sex, there is a risk. It's a risk you need to accept. Just like if you drive a car, there's a risk you'll cause an accident and be punished accordingly - potentially for the rest of your life. If you cause an accident and the other person dies because they had an existing condition that meant they were more badly hurt than someone else would be, do you think the person causing the accident should be able to walk away on the basis that they shouldn't be punished because someone else had a health condition?

But then, I've seen this attitude elsewhere where one "silly mistake" is apparently no reason for someone to expected to take responsibility for more serious long term consequences.

Who is taking on the responsibility here though?

The man has asked for an abortion the woman decides nope not doing that fair enough. You would hope that the man has a change of heart but if he doesn't you can't say you were warned.

I agree more people should be responsible for their actions however in this instance the man doesn't really have a choice once the woman is pregnant.

@Loveacoseynightin Are you in a relationship with someone who rejected their DC.
You read like someone I know who'll defend her OH's actions with similar crap.

It just seems morally wrong to me that as women we crave for equality etc but then if the man doesn't want the child we can go ahead against his will and then expect financial support for said child.

As women we can aim for equality and/or liberation in a lot of areas. However, nobody with any brains between their ears is aiming for equality in reproduction because that's biologically impossible. The fact that they don't have any control over whether a conception ends in abortion or a birth is just something that men have to live with. Just as we women have to live with the fact that if we want children we are the ones who have to gestate and birth them with all the enormous accompanying burdens and risks (up to and including the risk of death) and that if we want an abortion the physical burden is 100% on us there too.

Could you try explaining to him that he’s not going to be a good prospect in the future if he has a history of harassing exes and abandoning children? Almost focussing on the future if he continues this path rather than hashing over the past. Making the behaviour a present/future issue because this is what he’s (still) doing. That still holds him to account for his past behaviour but also shows him that he needs to make a choice now for what kind of person he wants to be. And if he chooses to continue you can be clear that you will not condone it nor keep his secrets for him.

Many men say they want a child then piss off later this happened to a friend of mine who didn't want a baby but her ex said they would make it work together . Child had complex needs he fucked off and met another woman.

Well said @SaucyHorse

[quote Loveacoseynightin]@Iminaglasscaseofemotion so it is only the responsibility of the male for contraception then is it?

I don't know I mean if I don't want to get pregnant I damn make sure I don't.[/quote]
Not sure who said that

Everyone can make sure they don't have a child if they don't want one. Men and women, but once the child is created, it should have both people that created it supporting it.
Women have the option of abortion, men don't so they should make sure there's no chance of getting someone pregnant in the first place.