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Original poster

DS has a child and doesn't want anything to do with him

448 replies

Minewo · 28/05/2021 10:53

I've been lurking for a while but I'm posting as I need advice.

DS is 19 and split up with his girlfriend a few months ago. The other day the girls mum messaged me (we know each other but aren't close) telling me to tell DS to leave her DD alone and stop asking if they can get back together, as her DD doesn't want to get back with him especially as he cheated on her and has a child. I had no idea, I spoke to DS and he denied it at first but then he admitted he has a child but he doesn't want anything to do with it as he was drunk and he told the girl to have an abortion but she didn't.

I just don't know what to do and I just feel so sad as I thought I brought him up better than for him to just abandon his child Sad

OP posts:
honeybuns007 · 28/05/2021 16:30

@shouldistop

*CandyFIosss Would people really start paying for a child on their sons behalf or even seeing the child without first having a dna test? This baby was from a drunken on night stand, personally I wouldn’t be seeing or paying for a child without confirmation it was actually my sons child. I’m not sure that would go down well with the mum though 🤔*

Why would the mum claim this prince among men is the baby's father if he wasn't? He's a 19yo idiot that wants nothing to do with the baby. What possible advantage would it give the woman to have that as her baby's father.

She might think it was his. Then again, she may have had sex with someone the week before who she likes even less so decided the OPs son is the father. They were 17/18. They make weird decisions. Do you really not know how irrational young people are?
caringcarer · 28/05/2021 16:32

Can you find out the Mum of the baby name and number and ask her if you can see your grandchild. Tell her you are sorry your son is shirking his responsibility towards the child but offer to help her out.

secular39 · 28/05/2021 16:33

@ANiceCupOfCoffee

Parents like the above poster (shame on you!) are the reasons why time and time again men get away with not bearing any responsibilities for their children and it has become the societal norm.

ANiceCupOfCoffee you most likely have sons by the time of your comments. But how would you feel if your daughter (teen or adult) was married/in a relationship/one night stand with a man and he abandons her child (your grandchild). Are you going to tell her "Well, he told you to get an abortion, what do you expect?). Dispensable. Tut, tut, tut.

secular39 · 28/05/2021 16:35

@CandyFIosss

secular39 But women who are like this man and just don’t want to be a parent have abortions instead which is equally opting out of being a parent.
Then they are shameful and will rightly be vivified.
Naunet · 28/05/2021 16:35

a woman chooses to continue with a pregnancy that the man doesn’t want, then no he shouldn’t be forced to contribute financially

Don’t worry about the poor, poor menz, they can and do walk away without paying. Hence the 4 BILLION that was owed in unpaid child support recently being halved because 2 billion was simply written off.

ANiceCupOfCoffee · 28/05/2021 16:36

[quote secular39]@ANiceCupOfCoffee

Parents like the above poster (shame on you!) are the reasons why time and time again men get away with not bearing any responsibilities for their children and it has become the societal norm.

ANiceCupOfCoffee you most likely have sons by the time of your comments. But how would you feel if your daughter (teen or adult) was married/in a relationship/one night stand with a man and he abandons her child (your grandchild). Are you going to tell her "Well, he told you to get an abortion, what do you expect?). Dispensable. Tut, tut, tut.[/quote]
If he didn’t want an abortion and she did, he’d get not choice. Dispensable baby, but her choice. If he wants and abortion and she doesn’t, then he gets no choice in the matter. But he gets the choice to walk away.

They were both equally involved in the one night stand. They are both equally involved in sorting contraception. She actually has more contraception choices.

Naunet · 28/05/2021 16:38

CandyFIosss
secular39 But women who are like this man and just don’t want to be a parent have abortions instead which is equally opting out of being a parent

Well why doesn’t he just get an abortion then? What’s that? He can’t? He’s not the one who gets pregnant? How tough for him 🙄

ANiceCupOfCoffee · 28/05/2021 16:38

@Naunet

a woman chooses to continue with a pregnancy that the man doesn’t want, then no he shouldn’t be forced to contribute financially

Don’t worry about the poor, poor menz, they can and do walk away without paying. Hence the 4 BILLION that was owed in unpaid child support recently being halved because 2 billion was simply written off.

Once a poster starts talking about 'the menz' you know they are getting desperate.
SuperstoreFan · 28/05/2021 16:38

I wouldn't be doing anything until a DNA test was completed, if it turns out that your son is the father then he needs a kick up the arse and he needs to support the mother and his child.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 28/05/2021 16:39

Then they are shameful and will rightly be vivified.

Women who have abortions are shameful? Wtf?!

Mumoblue · 28/05/2021 16:39

Children need paying for. So we either say that men are responsible for the kids that they create, or we all absorb the cost of all the kids that men decide they don’t want if we set up a legal financial abandonment system. That money has to come from somewhere, even if it makes some men sad that they can’t financially disappear (although plenty do anyway) or make women get abortions (horrific for obvious reasons).

I think what we’ve got now will just have to do.

CandyFIosss · 28/05/2021 16:39

He can’t get an abortion but he can walk away when the baby is born. Which is what he’s done. The woman then can’t be surprised when he expressed his feelings very clearly.!

ANiceCupOfCoffee · 28/05/2021 16:40

@CandyFIosss

He can’t get an abortion but he can walk away when the baby is born. Which is what he’s done. The woman then can’t be surprised when he expressed his feelings very clearly.!
Exactly
JustLyra · 28/05/2021 16:42

[quote Loveacoseynightin]@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius he told the girl he didn't want the baby. The women has decided to keep the baby which is her fine it's her choice.

In this instance the man should have the choice and not pay. He asked for an abortion she decided against it so now the father has to pay.

It just seems morally wrong to me that as women we crave for equality etc but then if the man doesn't want the child we can go ahead against his will and then expect financial support for said child.

I know in an ideal world this shouldn't happen plus contraception should be down to both individuals not one.
[/quote]
Of course he should be paying

He had his choice about not fathering a child - he should have used protection properly and then he wouldn’t be a father. The failure rate for properly used condoms is tiny.

nokidshere · 28/05/2021 16:43

@Librariesmakeshhhhappen if a man won't support his child then he should be made to. All child maintenance should come out at source, regardless if that's from a wage packet or a benefits payment. I firmly believe that every single parent should be made to contribute financially to the child.

Ostracised on a global basis, not so much. Especially for younger people who have the opportunity to change and make better choices as they mature.

Naunet · 28/05/2021 16:44

Once a poster starts talking about 'the menz' you know they are getting desperate

Once a poster starts criticising your choice of words rather than your argument, you know they’re getting desperate.

Naunet · 28/05/2021 16:48

If he didn’t want an abortion and she did, he’d get not choice. Dispensable baby, but her choice. If he wants and abortion and she doesn’t, then he gets no choice in the matter. But he gets the choice to walk away

The way you talk about women who have abortions (dispensable baby) compared to your defence of men walking away, tells us everything about you.

Owlina · 28/05/2021 16:53

My dad didn't want me. He didn't pay any money for me either and my mum never got maintenance. Can't say I care much. You can't miss what you never had.

ANiceCupOfCoffee · 28/05/2021 16:54

@Naunet

If he didn’t want an abortion and she did, he’d get not choice. Dispensable baby, but her choice. If he wants and abortion and she doesn’t, then he gets no choice in the matter. But he gets the choice to walk away

The way you talk about women who have abortions (dispensable baby) compared to your defence of men walking away, tells us everything about you.

I was quoting a previous poster who referred to 'dispensable baby' in regards of the man walking away.

Abortion is a woman's choice (so is the pill, using condoms, the coil etc and abstaining). Walking is a man's choice (as is using condoms and abstaining).

Owlina · 28/05/2021 16:55

I wouldn't ask a man for money if I chose to keep a baby they didn't want personally.

toocold54 · 28/05/2021 16:56

You can’t force someone to be involved with their child but you can try and have a relationship with the child and show him what a responsible adult does. Chances are he’s just a bit freaked out and is worried being involved will stop him getting back with his gf. Hopefully once you start seeing the child he will start acting better.

secular39 · 28/05/2021 16:59

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

Then they are shameful and will rightly be vivified.

Women who have abortions are shameful? Wtf?!

Women who neglect their children are shameful. Don't get too excited Confused
CandyFIosss · 28/05/2021 17:00

I wouldn't ask a man for money if I chose to keep a baby they didn't want personally.

agree absolutely. I’ve actually cancelled my back claim recently because my ex is not involved so I don’t wish to claim money from him for children he doesn’t want to see. I don’t get why people are so insistent on child maintenance no matter what. If I had a child with someone and they don’t want to know then I wouldn’t claim as I would see it as I made the choice to continue.

secular39 · 28/05/2021 17:02

I was quoting a previous poster who referred to 'dispensable baby'

Sorry that was an iPhone typo. I meant despicable.

secular39 · 28/05/2021 17:04

@CandyFIosss

I wouldn't ask a man for money if I chose to keep a baby they didn't want personally.

agree absolutely. I’ve actually cancelled my back claim recently because my ex is not involved so I don’t wish to claim money from him for children he doesn’t want to see. I don’t get why people are so insistent on child maintenance no matter what. If I had a child with someone and they don’t want to know then I wouldn’t claim as I would see it as I made the choice to continue.

Because the innocent child should not suffer the consequences.