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AIBU?

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Original poster

DS has a child and doesn't want anything to do with him

448 replies

Minewo · 28/05/2021 10:53

I've been lurking for a while but I'm posting as I need advice.

DS is 19 and split up with his girlfriend a few months ago. The other day the girls mum messaged me (we know each other but aren't close) telling me to tell DS to leave her DD alone and stop asking if they can get back together, as her DD doesn't want to get back with him especially as he cheated on her and has a child. I had no idea, I spoke to DS and he denied it at first but then he admitted he has a child but he doesn't want anything to do with it as he was drunk and he told the girl to have an abortion but she didn't.

I just don't know what to do and I just feel so sad as I thought I brought him up better than for him to just abandon his child Sad

OP posts:
ANiceCupOfCoffee · 28/05/2021 16:11

[quote BadNomad]@ANiceCupOfCoffee

The pregnancy has nothing to do with him. That's her physical condition. Equally if he wanted to keep the baby and she wanted to abort it has fuck all to do with him either.

If he didn't want a baby he should have made sure he didn't get her pregnant. That's where his responsibility lies. He made the baby.[/quote]
Women can’t have it all ways. Your first statement says it all. To rephrase you 'if she wants to keep the baby and he wants to walk away, it has fuck all to do with her'.

ANiceCupOfCoffee · 28/05/2021 16:12

@BadNomad

He didn’t 'get her pregnant'. They both engaged in an act which ended up in her pregnancy. They both made the baby.

And that's why she has a baby now. As does he. He can't nor should he be able to walk away at this point. The child is here. 50% hers and 50% his. As soon as a pregnancy occurs it is too late to prevent it.

She has a baby now because she kept it. She didn’t need to continue with the pregnancy (and it’s her decision to go through with it or abort). If he doesn’t have a say in her continuing with the pregnancy, then she doesn’t have a say in him walking away.
BadNomad · 28/05/2021 16:13

@CandyFIosss

And that's why she has a baby now. As does he. He can't nor should he be able to walk away at this point. The child is here. 50% hers and 50% his. As soon as a pregnancy occurs it is too late to prevent it.

People keep saying this but no one is saying how they will force someone to take responsibility for a child they don’t want? you can’t force someone to be a parent and the child will end up either being neglected or worse abused, the child will also know that their other parent doesn’t actually like or love them and is just being forced into having a relationship.

No one is saying he has to parent it. The bare minimum he should be doing is providing for the child finacially.
KidneyBeans · 28/05/2021 16:14

I find it bizarre that there are posters on this thread arguing that:

Men shouldn't take responsibility for contraception

Men shouldn't ever suffer financial consequences of not taking responsibility for contraception

Women should be responsible for protecting men from their own decisions not to use contraception

Women should be responsible for protecting men from the UK legal system when they choose not to take responsibility for contraception

I feel like I'm in a parallel universe of misogyny.

SmokeyDevil · 28/05/2021 16:15

He would get one hell of a bollocking if that was my son, and he'd be kicked out of the house. If he's adult enough to go and make kids and stupid enough to not provide for them, he can fend for himself.

KidneyBeans · 28/05/2021 16:15

She has a baby now because she kept it. She didn’t need to continue with the pregnancy (and it’s her decision to go through with it or abort). If he doesn’t have a say in her continuing with the pregnancy, then she doesn’t have a say in him walking away

This is a broken record.
Numerous posts have already pointed out the flaws in your 'logic'

Naunet · 28/05/2021 16:15

Loveacoseynightin
*@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius he told the girl he didn't want the baby. The women has decided to keep the baby which is her fine it's her choice

In this instance the man should have the choice and not pay. He asked for an abortion she decided against it so now the father has to pay

So you think men should be able to have unprotected sex and instead utter the words “have an abortion” as their form of protect? As long as they say that, that’s all they need to do to justify walking away from the baby they created? Where is his responsibility then? The woman’s responsibility after unprotected sex, is going through an abortion, or giving birth and raising a child. What’s his? Purely those words?

It just seems morally wrong to me that as women we crave for equality etc but then if the man doesn't want the child we can go ahead against his will and then expect financial support for said child

Do men get pregnant? Do they give birth? Do they suffer the risk of life long conditions from the result of that pregnancy/birth? Do they have abortions? No, because there is no equality when it comes to pregnancy, it’s biology. There’s nothing we can do about that. That does not mean men should get the advantage of being able to o solve themselves of the consequences of unprotected sex.

I know in an ideal world this shouldn't happen plus contraception should be down to both individuals not one

It is, but one of the couple gets lumbered with far more risk and consequences than the other. I’ll let you guess which sex that person is.

CandyFIosss · 28/05/2021 16:16

Maintenance payments is legally his responsibility and it’s pointless debating as that is the law but There does seem to still be a lot of posters that seem to think he should be forced to raise the child.

KidneyBeans · 28/05/2021 16:18

@Naunet

Loveacoseynightin *@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius* he told the girl he didn't want the baby. The women has decided to keep the baby which is her fine it's her choice*

In this instance the man should have the choice and not pay. He asked for an abortion she decided against it so now the father has to pay

So you think men should be able to have unprotected sex and instead utter the words “have an abortion” as their form of protect? As long as they say that, that’s all they need to do to justify walking away from the baby they created? Where is his responsibility then? The woman’s responsibility after unprotected sex, is going through an abortion, or giving birth and raising a child. What’s his? Purely those words?

It just seems morally wrong to me that as women we crave for equality etc but then if the man doesn't want the child we can go ahead against his will and then expect financial support for said child

Do men get pregnant? Do they give birth? Do they suffer the risk of life long conditions from the result of that pregnancy/birth? Do they have abortions? No, because there is no equality when it comes to pregnancy, it’s biology. There’s nothing we can do about that. That does not mean men should get the advantage of being able to o solve themselves of the consequences of unprotected sex.

I know in an ideal world this shouldn't happen plus contraception should be down to both individuals not one

It is, but one of the couple gets lumbered with far more risk and consequences than the other. I’ll let you guess which sex that person is.

Absolutely

Posters here are confusing equality with equity.
'One choice for him, One choice for her' like @ANiceCupOfCoffee

Whilst totally missing the point that that isn't equality because the biological consequences are not the same.

ThreeLocusts · 28/05/2021 16:19

OP this must be heartbreaking for you.

As others have said, 19 is still very young and there's no reason for you to write your son off; some of the comments above are quite harsh. But it does sound like he needs the riot act read to him. I'd make it clear to him that whether or not he wants to meet the child, you expect him to contribute at least minimum maintenance out of his wages.

As long as you're tactful about it (and you sound like you would be), I think it's possible that the mother of your grandchild will be glad to have someone around who is interested and supportive.

What a life-changing discovery for you. I hope everyone can grow into the situation somehow.

ANiceCupOfCoffee · 28/05/2021 16:19

@KidneyBeans

I find it bizarre that there are posters on this thread arguing that:

Men shouldn't take responsibility for contraception

Men shouldn't ever suffer financial consequences of not taking responsibility for contraception

Women should be responsible for protecting men from their own decisions not to use contraception

Women should be responsible for protecting men from the UK legal system when they choose not to take responsibility for contraception

I feel like I'm in a parallel universe of misogyny.

both men and women are responsible in making sure they have protection.

If a woman chooses to continue with a pregnancy that the man doesn’t want, then no he shouldn’t be forced to contribute financially.

In the same way, a man shouldn’t be able to force a woman to continue with an unwanted pregnancy.

Why did you think that women are not capable or sorting their own contraception?

Thewinterofdiscontent · 28/05/2021 16:19

Not read the thread but my DP walked out on me when I was pregnant ( after asking me for an abortion). Never seen me or his child since he went ( said child us almost adult).
It’s really the best for all concerned. DS is not bothered about his dad at all. Never known him, never missed him. So much better for me too.

BadNomad · 28/05/2021 16:20

I cant tell if you three are sockpuppets or just equally dense. You are confusing pregnancy with childbirth. The ability to abort is a medical issue. It has absolutely nothing to do with anything. Once a pregnancy occurs the default/natural progression of that is a child is born. It's too late at that point for the male to decide he doesn't want to father a child. He has already done that. What abortion does is it give the woman the option to not go through childbirth. Abortion is not a woman making the choice to make a man a father.

secular39 · 28/05/2021 16:21

Also women can chose to walk away from kids as well and have them adopted, not a single person thinks a woman should be forced to bring up a child she doesn’t want so why should a man have to?

There's a difference between a mother giving up her child for adoption and neglecting her child. A mother who has placed their kids in adoption would have thought about- what type of family would be suited for their kids, the process with social services.There's an act of responsibility here and it's much more complex....vs a parent who, in effect, neglects their child, does not support them in one way or another- it's almost as if the child does not exist in their brain. If a woman were to do that, they would be toasted.

Cowbells · 28/05/2021 16:21

He has a child. He doesn't get to decide whether or not to be involve din the child anymore than its mother does. He knows what happens when you have sex! Hmm Please help him understand that he must do the right hting and support his child and its mother.

CandyFIosss · 28/05/2021 16:22

He can’t decide not to be a father no but he can decide not to raise the child or be part of its life.

CandyFIosss · 28/05/2021 16:23

secular39 But women who are like this man and just don’t want to be a parent have abortions instead which is equally opting out of being a parent.

Naunet · 28/05/2021 16:24

Abortion is not a woman making the choice to make a man a father

Exactly this. He already made that choice himself.

Thewinterofdiscontent · 28/05/2021 16:24

a woman chooses to continue with a pregnancy that the man doesn’t want, then no he shouldn’t be forced to contribute financially

I disagree with this. There would be zero consequences for twatty men who make promises and then bugger off.
There would also be no reason to do DNA tests ( they’d refuse). It’s important children know who their fathers are, even if said father isn’t interested. At least the child can draw their own conclusions.
You’d get men claiming they had “no idea” they had children without solid DNA testing. Or claiming the woman was lying ( without wanting to or I’ve otherwise ). Money is the least of it.

Lovemusic33 · 28/05/2021 16:25

@Thewinterofdiscontent

Not read the thread but my DP walked out on me when I was pregnant ( after asking me for an abortion). Never seen me or his child since he went ( said child us almost adult). It’s really the best for all concerned. DS is not bothered about his dad at all. Never known him, never missed him. So much better for me too.
This..

It’s better for a child to have no father in their life than have a father who didn’t want them to be born. You can’t force a man to see their child, the child will end up more damaged having a rubbish father than they would not having one.

Maybe the mother doesn’t want him to see the child? Maybe she doesn’t want his support or money? She made the choice to go ahead with the pregnancy knowing he didn’t want to.

He sounds immature (well he is only 19), so would he even make a good father? Maybe if he doesn’t want any children he should start wearing a condom?

RosaBudDrood · 28/05/2021 16:25

@CandyFIosss

He can’t decide not to be a father no but he can decide not to raise the child or be part of its life.
But he still should pay.
waitingforthenextseason · 28/05/2021 16:25

I would have a very difficult time not telling him to either start financially start supporting his own child immediately or to get to fuck himself. As in move out and support himself. He expects his own baby to struggle but expects to be put up by his parents?

Nope.

CandyFIosss · 28/05/2021 16:26

She can claim maintenance

CandyFIosss · 28/05/2021 16:27

And she may not even want maintenance. I do not claim maintenance from my ex, she may not want his money.

guiltynetter · 28/05/2021 16:28

It seems a bit far fetched that your 17 year old son had a baby with someone and didn't mention it one tiny bit and you didn't know at all? You didn't hear from the girl? Or the girls parents? Very odd