DS has a child and doesn't want anything to do with him

[Minewo]

I've been lurking for a while but I'm posting as I need advice.

DS is 19 and split up with his girlfriend a few months ago. The other day the girls mum messaged me (we know each other but aren't close) telling me to tell DS to leave her DD alone and stop asking if they can get back together, as her DD doesn't want to get back with him especially as he cheated on her and has a child. I had no idea, I spoke to DS and he denied it at first but then he admitted he has a child but he doesn't want anything to do with it as he was drunk and he told the girl to have an abortion but she didn't.

I just don't know what to do and I just feel so sad as I thought I brought him up better than for him to just abandon his child

@nokidshere

"Lots of adult males do it too" is not an excuse.
This is a huge problem within our society. The way men abandon all responsibility for a child. Yes, some women do it too, but men are doing it on an almost industrial scale.

If society reacted differently then maybe things would change. These men should be ostracized by society, by their friends, by the public.

They can abandon their children but they are still welcome home by their parents, brothers and sisters. They're still supported and helped by family. Their friends still welcome them down the pub. That needs to stop.

If the man wont support his child then the OP shouldnt support or welcome him.

My son would have to go along with a decision made by someone else and face the consequences

Nope. Everyone has a choice. You may not like it, but that’s life.

Every abortion could be seen as the woman abandoning responsibility for a child.

God there are some misogynistic responses on here, sorry your thread is being derailed by people who think the man shouldn't face responsibility after creating a baby

He made his bed now he has to lie in it, which means financially contributing to a child he is 50% responsible for creating.

I really hope you manage to talk some sense into your son and have a relationship with your grandchild

@ANiceCupOfCoffee

So yes then, you are saying that women should either subject themselves to a medical procedure (which they may not want and which may have emotional or physical consequences) or undertake to raise the child alone bearing solo responsibility for the financial implications of pregnancy and childbirth.

And that there should always be an option for the man's life to remain entirely unaffected (whether that's through abortion or absolving himself financially), but that a women should never be obliged to receive support for the outcome of their mutual decision to have sex as this is 'unfair' to the Nan and so she should bear the emotional, physical and financial consequences alone.

If nothing else I think you've made a beautiful case for the inherent and biological oppression of women in society.

Well said kidney some of these posters are making me feel sick with their vile comments.

Good I’m glad she is. I don’t think it makes fathers bad parents to subsequent children they choose to have with a woman they choose to have children with, In the same way I don’t think abortions/adopting out makes a woman a bad person or a deadbeat or feckless mother or whatever. She will likely be a good mother to the future children she wants/ keeps.

He chose to have drunken sex like she did. He didn’t want a child. He has the option to walk away. She had the option of the morning after pill, the coil fitted or an abortion. She chose to keep the child that’s her choice and I support that. He has the choice to not be in the child’s life. That’s his choice, probably one he will regret later on.

@ANiceCupOfCoffee

The pregnancy has nothing to do with him. That's her physical condition. Equally if he wanted to keep the baby and she wanted to abort it has fuck all to do with him either.

If he didn't want a baby he should have made sure he didn't get her pregnant. That's where his responsibility lies. He made the baby.

@ANiceCupOfCoffee

Every abortion could be seen as the woman abandoning responsibility for a child.

Right - so you're arguing that if women have abortions they're abandoning their child and if they don't they should raise that child alone

God forbid the Menz should ever be troubled by responsibility or consequence eh?

[quote KidneyBeans]@Loveacoseynightin
You haven't actually answered any of my questions.

Here's another one
If as you suggest there should be zero consequences for men who impregnate women as a result of consensual sex then why on Earth would they ever practice responsible contraception? [/quote]
No one is saying there should be zero consequences however they have had a discussion after a ONS and quite sensibly I would suggest he recommended an abortion because he quite clearly didn't want the child.

Now as we both agree it is a woman's body so she has ultimately said no I'm keeping this child.

Why should the father then be held to account for financial support when quite clearly doesn't want the child. That is the objection.

We can argue all day over contraception sex etc but ultimately the onus of not falling pregnant should be on the woman.

It is that simple don't sleep with a man who won't or doesn't wear a condom. The women have the power here

Blimey.
You're right to be disappointed in him - I would be the same if my DS had behaved like that too.

I have a family member whose other half fathered a child in a drunken short lived fling (he wasn't in any other relationship at the time), thought the girl had had an abortion as she said she was going to, but then a few months later she got back in touch and told him she'd had the baby after all.
Long story cut very short - he took responsibility for the baby, as did my family member and that baby is now part of our extended family. Baby's mother, on the other hand, is long gone - she skipped out when baby was a few months old.

So not ALL fathers who accidentally cause a drunken pregnancy are dropkick deadbeat dads - some do take responsibility, and your son ought to be brought to realise that that is the ONLY honourable course of action.

So yes then, you are saying that women should either subject themselves to a medical procedure (which they may not want and which may have emotional or physical consequences) or undertake to raise the child alone bearing solo responsibility for the financial implications of pregnancy and childbirth

That’s the choice she has after she has had sex. Don’t want that choice, don’t have sex.

He has other choices.

@Loveacoseynightin

But contraception can fail. You can be using what you should to avoid pregnancy, but sometimes they fail and a pregnancy happens.

In that situation, are you saying it all falls to the woman and the man can walk away?

We can argue all day over contraception sex etc but ultimately the onus of not falling pregnant should be on the woman.

Why just the woman, why not the man?

"We can argue all day over contraception sex etc but ultimately the onus of not falling pregnant should be on the woman."

@Loveacoseynightin The woman was happy to take the chance to become pregnant (as she subsequently didn't have an abortion, and kept the baby). The man was not (as he subsequently rejected the child). Why should it be the woman who takes responsibility for contraception in this scenario???

That’s the choice she has after she has had sex. Don’t want that choice, don’t have sex.

He has other choices.

Ah! Gotcha @ANiceCupOfCoffee

You're basically saying we should retain the status quo of men maximising their earning power and always being able to absolve themselves of child rearing responsibility at the expense of women.

Just big standard misogyny then.

[quote BadNomad]@ANiceCupOfCoffee

The pregnancy has nothing to do with him. That's her physical condition. Equally if he wanted to keep the baby and she wanted to abort it has fuck all to do with him either.

If he didn't want a baby he should have made sure he didn't get her pregnant. That's where his responsibility lies. He made the baby.[/quote]
I’ve already agreed with your first statement. She chooses whether to keep or not. If he desperately wants to keep it and she aborts, he will have had no choice.

If she desperately wants to keep it, then she can. But he chooses whether to walk away or not.

He didn’t 'get her pregnant'. They both engaged in an act which ended up in her pregnancy. They both made the baby.

I would definitely contact the mother of your grandchild and say you’ve only just found out and you would like to have an independent relationship with your grandchild.

As for the issue with your son, maybe you can get him to see that there is a direct correlation between his GF dumping him and the poor treatment of the mother of his child and his baby. Decent women will not touch him with a barge pole unless he learns to take responsibility for his actions. I can sort of see where he is coming from with the ‘told her to get an abortion’ though (obviously the phrasing and sentiment are wrong) but to his young mind - he has kind of been railroaded into having a baby he didn’t want. Once a woman is pregnant, the father has no control over whether the baby is born or not, which I can imagine must be hard. If you image the other way round and there must be men who have their much wanted babies aborted. This is of course how it must be because ultimately a woman MUST have autonomy over their own body but it must be hard. Talk to him and explain why the decision ultimately has to be with the mother (get him to imagine the alternative) and remind him that there is now a baby in the world who is completely innocent and needs him.

Sorry very rambly post!

People are saying it’s her choice and fair enough but she then also needs to accept that she will be raising a child alone with not input from the father if she continues, everyone has choices and men can choose to walk away when the baby is born which she was aware of.

@KidneyBeans

That’s the choice she has after she has had sex. Don’t want that choice, don’t have sex.

He has other choices.

Ah! Gotcha @ANiceCupOfCoffee

You're basically saying we should retain the status quo of men maximising their earning power and always being able to absolve themselves of child rearing responsibility at the expense of women.

Just big standard misogyny then.

What’s your 'gotcha'? I phrased my answer that way I when replying to another poster.

She doesn’t want to lose her earning potential, then she can have an abortion.

She wants to absolve herself of child rearing responsibility, then she can have an abortion.

That’s her choice. Not his.

He didn’t 'get her pregnant'. They both engaged in an act which ended up in her pregnancy. They both made the baby.

And that's why she has a baby now. As does he. He can't nor should he be able to walk away at this point. The child is here. 50% hers and 50% his. As soon as a pregnancy occurs it is too late to prevent it.

@Loveacoseynightin

Why should the father then be held to account for financial support when quite clearly doesn't want the child. That is the objection.

The mother may not want a child either. It's just that she may want an abortion less.

If the father doesn't want the financial consequences of a child then he needs to take steps to prevent that. Not expect the women to undergo an invasive medical procedure to bail him out.

It is that simple don't sleep with a man who won't or doesn't wear a condom. The women have the power here

Why - are you arguing that men are cognitively challenged? How about they take responsibility for their own ejaculate and wear a condom if they don't want the financial responsibility for a child. Why do the women have to be responsible for everything - even protecting men from their own decisions and the UK legal system?

@ANiceCupOfCoffee

Every abortion could be seen as the woman abandoning responsibility for a child.

Don’t be an idiot, abortions are carried out for many reasons.

She doesn’t want to lose her earning potential, then she can have an abortion

She wants to absolve herself of child rearing responsibility, then she can have an abortion.

Ah yep. Simple isn't it? Definitely no physical/emotional consequences there?

That’s her choice. Not his.
Absolutely. His was whether to use contraception or not.

And that's why she has a baby now. As does he. He can't nor should he be able to walk away at this point. The child is here. 50% hers and 50% his. As soon as a pregnancy occurs it is too late to prevent it.

People keep saying this but no one is saying how they will force someone to take responsibility for a child they don’t want? you can’t force someone to be a parent and the child will end up either being neglected or worse abused, the child will also know that their other parent doesn’t actually like or love them and is just being forced into having a relationship.