Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go part time without DHs support?

141 replies

user123532 · 27/05/2021 19:33

WIBU to apply for a part time job?

There’s a big back story but I really don’t like my current job. It’s a terrible fit for me. I have no work/life balance, it makes me anxious and depressed and has really wrecked my self esteem.

I’ve just seen a job that I want to apply for, that is part time. I’ve been thinking about going part time a lot lately and wondering if I should just apply for it, even though I don’t have DHs support in doing so?

We don’t have any kids and are lucky in the fact that we’re okay financially, not rich by any means but we could afford for us both to work part time if we wanted to, we have a “forever” house that we’ve just finished renovating that we only have a fairly low mortgage on. I can cover my half of the bills and monthly spending money but wouldn’t have much leftover, although we have a couple of joint rental properties that are bringing in a bit of money as well and I have some savings.

I would love to work part time, I think it would be so good for me. I’d finally be able to get a Golden Retriever puppy, could take care of the house/garden properly, volunteer, improve my fitness and spend more time with the people I love, all of which really suffer at the moment because of my job.

DH is really against it, he doesn’t want me to do it. He can’t understand why I wouldnt want the extra money, and working part time would be his idea of hell as he loves his job. Work is the only thing we ever really clash on. I know I might not get this job but I would look for others as well if not.

So, what do you think? WIBU to go part time?

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 27/05/2021 19:40

If your current job is affecting you as much as it seems to be, then I would definitely do it!

MissConductUS · 27/05/2021 19:41

I think this would be potentially damaging to your relationship if you did so without his agreement. What if he changed his mind and wanted to work part time as well? How would that leave your finances?

LolaSmiles · 27/05/2021 19:42

You're a partnership so neither party should be making unilateral decisions that will ultimately affect the unit.

Would you be continuing to fund your pension at the same rate?
You say you wouldn't have much left over after your share of bills and your spending money, so what funds:

  • unexpected bills
  • emergency payments
  • the cost of the dog you want to get
  • pet insurance
  • vet bills

Does that come from your husband's salary? Or does it mean the rental income goes to fund them, when I'm guessing there's other plans for that money? Or your savings?

Would going part time affect your income in retirement? Are you expecting him to fund the shortfall in your finances that could emerge from any unilateral decision you make?

YANBU to want to work part time, but YABU to consider making big decisions without discussing it.

Isanyholeagoal · 27/05/2021 19:43

If you can afford to pay for half of all joint outgoings and are happy with the remainder as your spending money without having to rely on DH to support you, then IMO he doesn’t really get a say. If the shortfall falls to him then of course he is entitled to have his say on the decision

CoRhona · 27/05/2021 19:44

I think you need a different job full stop.

SuperMonkeys · 27/05/2021 19:44

I think if you can cover your share of joint expenses and savings, then why does he get to veto?

Appuskidu · 27/05/2021 19:44

@LolaSmiles

You're a partnership so neither party should be making unilateral decisions that will ultimately affect the unit.

Would you be continuing to fund your pension at the same rate?
You say you wouldn't have much left over after your share of bills and your spending money, so what funds:

  • unexpected bills
  • emergency payments
  • the cost of the dog you want to get
  • pet insurance
  • vet bills

Does that come from your husband's salary? Or does it mean the rental income goes to fund them, when I'm guessing there's other plans for that money? Or your savings?

Would going part time affect your income in retirement? Are you expecting him to fund the shortfall in your finances that could emerge from any unilateral decision you make?

YANBU to want to work part time, but YABU to consider making big decisions without discussing it.

Yes-I agree with all of this. What are your pension plans?
Aria2015 · 27/05/2021 19:44

I don't think YABU to want to go part-time, I know a few people who have, purely for the work/life balance and none have regretted it. It's difficult though that you don't have the support of your husband though as it could cause resentment on his part which can be toxic in a marriage. Could you come to a compromise where you say that you'll go for the job and if you get it, give it 1-2 years and if he's still unhappy you'll look for something with more hours? Also, he's looking at the negative side of PT by focusing on the reduced income, but has he considered the positives, better for your mental health, you do more around the house, he does less etc.. I think maybe apply and in the meantime try and get him on board and then see if you even get it.

Original poster
user123532 · 27/05/2021 19:47

@MissConductUS we would have to change our lifestyle a fair bit, we wouldn’t be able to afford holidays abroad etc but if he wanted to I would support him fully

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 27/05/2021 19:47

Well. YANBU to want to go part time but I think I’d really need an agreement with DH to be happy doing it.

However I don’t understand his reluctance - I’d support DH doing this and he’d support me if we were in your situation.

KingdomScrolls · 27/05/2021 19:47

You need a different job, but you're essentially asking him to financially support you and it's not because you are at home looking after children, it's so you have more free time to pursue hobbies and leisure, if he's not ok with that then it's not ok. What if he felt the same and did the same? Or is he not allowed to have that option? I agree with @LolaSmiles who will cover any unexpected outgoings if your new income just about covers your essentials?

KingdomScrolls · 27/05/2021 19:50

You're asking him to significantly change your joint lifestyle because you want to work part time to have more fun/relaxation by yourself, isn't that a bit selfish? Where's his fun and relaxation which I assume come from the holidays etc you'd be willing to give up? He'd still be working full time but you'd have no sister money. Would you be looking for a new full time job?

ZaraCarmichaelshighheels · 27/05/2021 19:53

@SuperMonkeys

I think if you can cover your share of joint expenses and savings, then why does he get to veto?
I agree with this if you still contribute the same amount for all expenses I don’t see the issue. If you applied for another job which appealed to you but it was full time but paid less than you are on now, what would his reaction be? Is money more important to him than your well being?
Original poster
user123532 · 27/05/2021 19:55

@Appuskidu @LolaSmiles

The rental properties are our retirement plan to be honest, the plan is to use the money they make over the next ten years to reinvest to a certain number.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 27/05/2021 19:56

I don’t understand why you are thinking in terms of meeting “your half of the bills”. You are married and planning to spend the rest of your lives together there is a bit more to it than meeting your half of the bills as you might with a flat mate.

You need to consider together future plans and aspirations, travel, children, investments, building a nest egg, retirement. One of you going part time could seriously hamper some future goals, particularly if you are still quite young.

I think unilaterally deciding that you are going part time, is not fair and puts an uneven financial burden on him. Consider it the other way around, how would you like it if he announced he was going part time so as to have more time with his hobbies and interests.

Original poster
user123532 · 27/05/2021 19:57

Also I do have some savings to pay for the dog and should something major go wrong with my car for example. I would be able to afford the vet insurance from my wages

OP posts:
FreezeMotherHubbard · 27/05/2021 19:57

Can't believe the voting, you aren't even listing any benefits to the family - just to you.

beryltheperilrocks · 27/05/2021 19:59

You need a new job. perhaps a new DH as well...

partyatthepalace · 27/05/2021 19:59

Well you can do what you want... but if you want to keep a good relationship, you should plan it through with him - eg how will it affect your lifestyle, emergency funds, retirement, medical etc. Also you need to really spell out to him how unhappy you are - sounds like he doesn’t get it. You might want to compromise -

LolaSmiles · 27/05/2021 20:01

Enough savings to support yourself indefinitely and cover your share of any unforeseen bills or emergency expenses?

cultkid · 27/05/2021 20:01

Yes I would not do a job I hated by my husband would never even want me to work even 1 hour a week in a job that made me sad. Kids or no kids.

I'm

ZaraCarmichaelshighheels · 27/05/2021 20:02

If I was in job which was making me anxious, depressed and wrecked my self esteem my DH would move heaven and earth to get me out of that situation, he wouldn’t give a stuff if that meant reduced disposable income, same for me with him.

Original poster
user123532 · 27/05/2021 20:06

@Aprilx I do agree with what you’re saying, i am fairly young at 34 and I agree that ideally there should be no unilateral decision from either party. I’m just not sure where the compromise would be on this?

I don’t see it as just going part time to pursue my hobbies though, moreso to try and save myself. I feel like my job has drained all the life out of me. I don’t recognise myself anymore, I feel like a shell of my former self. Before my current job, I loved to work, I might feel like I wanted to go full time again down the line, I have a long time until I can retire.

OP posts:
SuperMonkeys · 27/05/2021 20:06

I don't understand why your mental health and well being isn't more important to him?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 27/05/2021 20:08

If a man posted this he would be slated not encouraged.

By all means look for another job if unhappy but you would be very unreasonable to go against his wishes and expect him to just put up with it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread