To go part time without DHs support?

[user123532]

WIBU to apply for a part time job?

There’s a big back story but I really don’t like my current job. It’s a terrible fit for me. I have no work/life balance, it makes me anxious and depressed and has really wrecked my self esteem.

I’ve just seen a job that I want to apply for, that is part time. I’ve been thinking about going part time a lot lately and wondering if I should just apply for it, even though I don’t have DHs support in doing so?

We don’t have any kids and are lucky in the fact that we’re okay financially, not rich by any means but we could afford for us both to work part time if we wanted to, we have a “forever” house that we’ve just finished renovating that we only have a fairly low mortgage on. I can cover my half of the bills and monthly spending money but wouldn’t have much leftover, although we have a couple of joint rental properties that are bringing in a bit of money as well and I have some savings.

I would love to work part time, I think it would be so good for me. I’d finally be able to get a Golden Retriever puppy, could take care of the house/garden properly, volunteer, improve my fitness and spend more time with the people I love, all of which really suffer at the moment because of my job.

DH is really against it, he doesn’t want me to do it. He can’t understand why I wouldnt want the extra money, and working part time would be his idea of hell as he loves his job. Work is the only thing we ever really clash on. I know I might not get this job but I would look for others as well if not.

So, what do you think? WIBU to go part time?

@LegoPirateMonkey

CorianderBee, would it be a betrayal if she was physically too ill to work or is it only becoming mentally ill that’s a betrayal??

If she just up and quit without warning me yes. But like I said if it's making her I'll she doesn't have a choice about staying. But I'd expect to have a plan set out before me and a discussion about possibly upping hours later on.

@LegoPirateMonkey

CorianderBee, would it be a betrayal if she was physically too ill to work or is it only becoming mentally ill that’s a betrayal??

Sorry I misread this. I do think it's a bit different. But the betrayal is the lack of discussion and coming to agreement not the being ill itself.

You need a new job, or if you want to take the part-time job a plan and then implement a change to get a completely new career.

Pottering around to just do hobbies long-term isn't fair on your DH.

Also I unfortunately know couples where the woman worked PT and ended up divorced in their 40s to early 50s without children. Even though they got half the assets they had to really down size their lifestyle.

You said your lifestyle would have to change alot. That's a much bigger discussion - perhaps compromise of dropping to 4 days a week?

I'm a bit (a lot) older than you but have recently made the same decision. My DH on the other hand is fully supportive of my decision. He has seen how work has affected me recently and is looking forward to a less stressed wife, having me at home at night and weekends more and lots of home baked goodies! In addition I am aiming to help taking the stress off him by doing the additional shopping, general errands etc which his parents require. Perhaps consider putting a time limit on your part time work of a few months or so and then consider returning to full time or looking for another role which you might enjoy and find less stressful.

I wouldn’t want my partner to work part time with no kids either, especially if they were saying it was to do things like look after a puppy. If I’m completely honest, I would find it unattractive and I’d be embarrassed for other people to know about it.

My DH deciding he wanted to work part time and there would be no holidays as a result (but he gets a puppy) wouldn't work for me.

Can you get a different full time position?

If I couldn't go on holidays anymore because my perfectly able and childless partner decided to go part time without my agreement... well, it would make me reconsider the relationship. I'm not here to support an independent grown adult and give up my lifestyle so they can sit at home with a puppy.

I'm another one who agrees with your husband. You say you'd have to change your lifestyle a fair bit. He's allowed to disapprove. Now, if he said you couldn't change jobs at all I'd think he was unreasonable, but saying he doesn't want you to go to part time is perfectly fair, I think. If anything extra came up, which does happen, he'd have to subsidize you. If he wants to go on holidays, he'd have to subsidize you. Or go by himself and I can imagine what would be said if he did that. And I'd love to know what else he'd have to miss out on in addition to holidays. So he'd be giving up all of these things and taking on a greater financial burden in exchange for you getting leisure time. Not taking care of kids or anything, which would be for both of you. Just a puppy and leisure time. Does he even want a puppy? That's very unequal and likely to lead to resentment. Would you also be picking up the cooking/cleaning/admin for the household or would you still expect him to do 50-50?

That being said, you shouldn't be in a job that's tearing you apart like it is. I've been there and things got low for me, so I'm not unsympathetic. But I don't think unilaterally opting out of working full time is the realistic solution. Another full time position that suits you better would be the answer.

YANBU
A job with a bit extra cash isn't worth your own well-being. If your current job is making you miserable then get out of it.
It sounds like you can afford to go PT so you should.

Talk to your DH about how you feel mentally I'm
Sure he'll support you when he understands better
Good luck with the job application

Thank you for all the replies. Just to clarify a comment I made earlier, I should have quoted the person who asked it really.

We would still be able to have a holiday if I went part time, I meant if DH wanted to go part time as well then we would have to adjust things like that, but I could do it on a part time wage. But you're right, bigger financial emergencies would fall to him because I wouldn't really be able to be adding to my long term savings.

I really don't think he is worried about it from a money perspective, he earns a bit more than me now but not loads more, and there have been times in the past where he has earnt a lot more than me and never minded, or paid for things for me. Both of our attitudes has always just been that the money comes into the house and whoever needs it takes it, we don't divide things or anything, he's very financially generous.

I think he just genuinely does not understand my desire to do this, he is very mentally healthy and although he tries to understand I don't think he does. DH absolutely loves his current job, he has never had a job he didn't like, he thrives on a stressful work environment and problem solving, he loves the idea of being successful and earning money, and I think his problem comes from not understanding where I'm coming from, he can't put himself in my shoes to understand how I would feel and why I'd like to do this.

Getting a dog is effectively saying that you are going to work part time for its life span. I would be so so so against that if I were you DH.

I think the dog is a bigger commitment, you could agree to try a part-time job for a year and look for a full-time one then if your dh can come up with a valid argument.

You only live once...Work to live or live to work?

DH absolutely loves his current job, he has never had a job he didn't like

Interestingly job satisfaction is mildly heritable. It's genetic to be like your DH. I am too. I've had a lot of really terrible job and even then only mildly dislike then. I like stress and working.

Are you planning on children because a lot of the need for hard work and savings is to do with other people's needs? I can choose to sleep on a park bench if things go wrong for me. I can't for DH and DD.

If you would be relying on him for holidays and emergencies, then I don't think it is reasonable to do it as a permanent thing. But it might be reasonable to go part time for now while you look for a job you would like that (full or part time) would pay more or look for something else you could do in the non-working hours that would bring in more money (like renovate another rental property, maybe?). Long term, though, I think you should expect to pull your weight financially. That could include a discussion about paring your lifestyle back so that you can afford to contribute fairly on less.

Ten billion posters: no way is that fair, what if he did this, what then, huh?
OPs original post: we could afford for us both to work part time.

he doesn’t want me to do it. He can’t understand why I wouldnt want the extra money, and working part time would be his idea of hell as he loves his job.

OP he needs to realise you are not him. You're a separate person with your own beliefs, opinions, feelings, needs and wants. Which are just as valid as his. Sounds like he hasn't had to face this before because you've always been in tune on everything before.

Now you're sick, basically. Maybe not dramatically physically or mentally yet, but you will be if you carry on as you are. You need time out to recover and for you this means part time in a different job, better work/life balance and a chance to do the things that make life worth living, whilst you lick your wounds and heal. It's not unreasonable.

Definitely discuss it with DP but 'discussion' isn't the same thing as asking permission. Discuss how to make what you need right now, work.

A lot depends on if you are planning to have children. Most people who hate their job look for another one, it’s less common to be young, no kids, and decide to jsut work part time. I’d struggle with that as a decision from my partner tbh.

I wouldn’t support an adult essentially semi-retiring who can first try a different job. I’m a bit triggered by the way OP said her husband loves his job. I was the higher earner and under constant pressure to earn even more due to someone else’s demands and expectations and was described as liking my job and being able to work at a higher level of stress. Well, I wasn’t able to given I ended up in hospital from being run into the ground. The difference in financial expectations and having me make all the sacrifices would now have me heading straight to a family lawyer.

Since your financial situation is good and your husband loves his job, I think there's nothing wrong for you to want to work part time. Also you wrote you'd be happy for him to go part time also.

But you need to make sure he's onboard. I think you should really talk about your mental well-being as that's the biggest factor. I wouldn't want my husband to have a very stressful job he hates, I'd rather have less money. And I hope your husband comes to the same conclusion.

OP, the feelings you have described are burn out. It isn’t uncommon. I understand you wanting to go part time but agree with others that a unilateral decision is unfair to your partner.

Lolasmiles nailed it in her post. You have to think of the long term financial consequences of this to both you and your partner. Ok, so you were planning to use rental income to fund retirement. But working part time until retirement will also affect your pension contributions which will affect the final outcome of not only your retirement but your DH’s as well. For example, he might want to do things together (travel etc) that you can no longer afford to contribute to. Would you expect him to scale back his plans to pay for you or would you sit it out and expect him to do things on his own?

As i said, burn out is not uncommon. And going part time is often thought of as the perfect solution. But you haven’t tried a new job yet and you might find that also cures your burn out. I do think you need to try that first, especially since your DH is not supportive of you going part time. He might change his mind if he sees you continue to struggle in another full time job.

It is also worth talking to him and trying to identify why he wants you to work full time. Is he worried about being the major breadwinner and the financial stress of ‘what if’? Does he think your attitude is unreasonable and you should both be contributing equally financially to your partnership? Does he value the extra work you could do around the house if you were part time (if you would do it)? Or does he think your work ethic is wrong?

Hmm how would you cope if you go part tine and dh gets layer off or gets injured and cant work

He sounds awful - insensitive snd thoughtless. From what you've said it doesn't sound like it would affect him much anyway! Go for it!

Such a hard one. I quit a job 2 years ago after a period of burnout and major issues with my mental health. My savings were huge and my partner didn’t need to pick up any financial slack but was supportive and I think he would still have been if that wasn’t the case.

Luckily I got a better paid job straight away and was only “off” work for 5 weeks. Unfortunately this job turned out to be just as bad as the previous one. Hubby supported me and I’m currently on maternity leave but will likely go back part time and try to find something else (am applying now with a 7 week old).

He was made redundant and I wholly support him while he looks for new work. Again his redundancy payout means I’m not picking up any financial slack but I would.

Long story short we’ve discussed and agreed what the case would be if one of us did need to financially support the other because of ill (mental) health and are on the same page.

My friend has a hubby just like yours who loves work and is financially very generous. She’s been off work for 4 years raising their children. They’re both happy with the deal but again it’s probably because they have kids.

In your case I do think I’d go part time but would only do so if I could afford not to rely on hubby to pick up slack. Once you have kids it’s a different story.

Having a discussion is not the same as needing your DH’s permission to go part time, especially if you can support yourself anyway. You shouldn’t be trapped in a miserable job if you can live without the extras like fancy holidays.

How about agreeing with him you’ll go part time for the next year so you can improve your mental health? If he values your well being I don’t think he can reasonably object to that. It’s different to going into semi-retirement permanently, which would be a much bigger incompatibility in your relationship.

A decision to go part time temporarily isn’t compatible with getting a dog though IMO, that’s a long term commitment to part time working.

I don't understand why you don't want to look for another ft job?