To go part time without DHs support?

[user123532]

WIBU to apply for a part time job?

There’s a big back story but I really don’t like my current job. It’s a terrible fit for me. I have no work/life balance, it makes me anxious and depressed and has really wrecked my self esteem.

I’ve just seen a job that I want to apply for, that is part time. I’ve been thinking about going part time a lot lately and wondering if I should just apply for it, even though I don’t have DHs support in doing so?

We don’t have any kids and are lucky in the fact that we’re okay financially, not rich by any means but we could afford for us both to work part time if we wanted to, we have a “forever” house that we’ve just finished renovating that we only have a fairly low mortgage on. I can cover my half of the bills and monthly spending money but wouldn’t have much leftover, although we have a couple of joint rental properties that are bringing in a bit of money as well and I have some savings.

I would love to work part time, I think it would be so good for me. I’d finally be able to get a Golden Retriever puppy, could take care of the house/garden properly, volunteer, improve my fitness and spend more time with the people I love, all of which really suffer at the moment because of my job.

DH is really against it, he doesn’t want me to do it. He can’t understand why I wouldnt want the extra money, and working part time would be his idea of hell as he loves his job. Work is the only thing we ever really clash on. I know I might not get this job but I would look for others as well if not.

So, what do you think? WIBU to go part time?

Well, as long as you’re paying your side of the bills then I don’t see how he can justify objecting to it. It doesn’t mean you’re going to work part-time forever. Maybe you just need this time to recuperate from your current job.

Another suggestion
Both work FT
Pay extra to pay off the mortgage early
Then both work PT or retire early ?

You also need 35 qualifying years to receive a full state pension at age 68+
If you are in UK you can check how many qualifying years you have already via www.gov.uk under state pension forecast & National Insurance

If you work PT does this pay enough for state pension ?

a8mint I don't understand why you don't want to look for another ft job?

It's hard to explain and I'm probably going to sound really pathetic. I feel like I'm not good enough. The reason I've stopped here for so long is because I've felt like I can't go anywhere else. My current work environment is extremely toxic and I feel broken over it, if I think of getting another full time job I feel physically sick.

It doesn't feel like there would be as much pressure in a part time job, if everyone hated me or it was as awful as it is here, I would only have to be there 4 hours per day instead of 9+. It seems more manageable and less scary.

It would also allow me some time to do some things which I know would help me but that I don't have time for currently, like getting some counselling, some proper exercise, etc.

My husband works full time and I work three days a week. We have a young child but even when she's older I have no intention of going full time as I do all the cooking and cleaning and my commute is a lot longer.

So I think YANBU for wanting to work part time but one thing I do think is unreasonable is talking about cutting out things like holidays but then talking about buying a puppy.

Why not suggest to him that you give it a go on a trial basis, make a few cut backs but if you can't manage financially you could ask for more hours or look for another full time job?

It sounds like your current job has really impacted your mental health and self worth.
I would take the part time job if you are offered it, but make it a condition to your DH that you review the situation again in 6 months time once you've had some breathing space and chance to reflect.

Please don't get a dog just yet, as it doesn't feel like the right time, plus if it's a puppy they can also be very demanding mentally as you can't leave them alone. Maybe you could supplement your income by dog walking or do it for fun through borrowmydoggy.

You do already have time. Before and after work and weekends. You are in a nice situation with no caring responsibilities.

What it comes down to is how much you will find yourself relying on your OH financially. Will you really be able to pay for 50/50 of everything and what happens when you can't pay for any luxuries? What if you want to go out but can't pay, will you expect your husband to systematically pay for it all? Any repairs on your property, etc....

How would you feel if he starts going on nice holidays with friends and you have to stay home because you can't afford your part?

You only get one life. You can still meet your responsibilities financially so no I don’t think he gets to veto this and I would say the same if the sexes were reversed. Totally different if it meant downsizing, living hand to mouth etc. But this isn’t the case here.

One reason I’m never getting into another relationship is I don’t want someone else having control over my life. Telling me I “have” to work full time. I don’t see how that is ok. I wouldn’t subsidise another adult but if they can meet their obligations I don’t care what work they do and how many hours. That’s up to them. I do think that to do otherwise is controlling.

@MissConductUS

I think this would be potentially damaging to your relationship if you did so without his agreement. What if he changed his mind and wanted to work part time as well? How would that leave your finances?

She's said they can afford it

If my dh was in a job that made him feel so mentally unwell, and we could afford to take a hit financially if all it meant was missing some big holidays, then I wouldn't question it if it made a happy DH. If long term finance was an issue then we would work through it and I would support part time for a few years. There is more to life than money and if you are sorted for the important things, perhaps he should be more supportive? I don't necessarily think getting a puppy should be a main reason though.

You do have time for those things as no commitments outside of working hours.

What if he decides you put your wants first and leaves? What if you have non paying tennants etc.

Of course you have time for counselling now!

Why on earth haven’t you prioritised that when it’s having such a huge impact on your life?

I would start counselling now.

I would absolutely support a lower earning partner to work less, for their health... but not just so they could have a puppy when the mental health impact clearly wasn’t even such an issue they’d never bothered with counselling because of it!

Where have the rental properties come from? You said he earned a lot more than you in the past... if the income from those is part of why you feel you can afford to drop your hours, but that income exists because of him, well... does seem a bit unfair that his lifestyle is compromised by you contributing less.

As I said - if you really needed to, fine. But as a unilateral decision without addressing your current work issue? That would very much undermine my relationship with my partner.

She's said they can afford it

But she’s also said...

But you're right, bigger financial emergencies would fall to him because I wouldn't really be able to be adding to my long term savings

So she can only do this because of his financial backing.

Hi OP, is it the actual nature of the work you are doing that you hate so much, or just your current job and the number of hours?

If it is the nature of the work itself then going part time isn't really going to solve your problems. You really need to be thinking about a career change and move towards doing work that you enjoy rather than dread. You are only in your 30s, certainly not too late to retrain.

If it is just this particular job, maybe moving to a new organisation with a better culture re work life balance would enable you to still work full time?

If you do go for part time do be aware that if you are still working in a field with a long hours culture you may well still be pressured to get the same work done but be paid for part time hours.

@cocomarine

I have had counselling, it was my counsellors idea originally to go part time. I stopped seeing her just before pre-Christmas lockdown started as we were no longer able to do face to face appointments, but it got to a point where it was feeling a bit pointless, I know the source of all my unhappiness, I know I need to leave my job and until I do I can't start to get better. It was also hard to commit to a regular weekly session when my hours are so ridiculous, counsellors only ever seem to work week days between 10-6 around here, I would be late, have to cancel, my phone would ring while I was there and it would make me feel guilty and embarrassed and even more stressed out.

Your husband knows full well what his father is like but is refusing to support you in leaving your job, is in fact encouraging you to stay and continue being abused!? Because that's what it is, emotional and verbal abuse. That'd be a no from me, OP. How on earth does you husband justify not protecting his wife from his own father??

You'll be "letting his dad down"!!!?

Why is your husband not outraged that his father is "letting his wife down" by treating her so awfully?

Does your husband not recognise how badly HE is letting YOU down?

Your counsellor from back in 2019 sounds rubbish, if their suggestion to this situation was part time work!

It sounds horrible, I really feel for you. But holding down a full time job is not the issue here.

Recognising that this is utterly toxic and that you have to walk away from this shitstorm of a “job” and how to do that, is what your counselling should have focused on!

There are things you could do... be assertive and refuse to do anything related to his business outside of set hours for example. And being prepared to take the short term shit over that - which wouldn’t be worse over the long term shit of FIL’s demands! But... it’s such an utterly toxic situation, that I’d say there’s no point.

Go get another job... but why not talk to a decent counsellor about getting your self belief back and making that a full time one?

Are you going to let some bullying arsehole make you think you can’t cope with full time hours? No!

You want part time so that if that’s also toxic, at least you’re only facing it for 4 hours a day.

That’s the wrong way to look at it... if a job is shit for you 4 hours a day, you take the same action as when it’s 8 hours - you sort it (if you can) or you go elsewhere.

Please, don’t look for 4 hours a day with the mindset that you’ll grin and bear the shit cos at least it’s part time.

Go do a job (be it 4, 6, 8 hours...) where you feel valued and enjoy it. Or at least - it’s neutral!

That’s why I’m at your counsellor previously.

You can prioritise a decent counsellor though. The last year, surely you’ve been working at home for much of it? So you book your counselling that’s only available 10:00-18:00 and you turn off the devices that arsehole FIL is hassling you on for an hour. Take control. But... the whole world has learned how to move online... you can get counsellors from another area who work online!

Bottom line though, yes, your self esteem has been battered but there’s actually nothing wrong with you. It’s all external - your FIL is an arsehole.

I say, go for the part time job if that helps you get out, but do it with an eye to turn going full time. You should be compromising with part time as part of getting out of your current role because your FIL is a piece of shit - not because you want a puppy,

In the meantime... boundaries in your current job. What’s the worst that happens? FIL sacks you for (a) working set hours and (b) putting the phone down on him when he unfairly blames you? Well, that gets you out of the shitty job, doesn’t it?!!

You have a DH problem. He's enabling his father's abuse of you. Check out the Stately Homes thread for advice on that dynamic.

Well if you have no kids and can still cover your share of the bills etc then it's totally your choice what you do

You don't have children and can cover your bills, so it won't affect him. As long as you're happy to sacrifice some luxuries and not expect him to foot the bill then I totally would. You don't need his permission.

Except she can’t cover her half, she said her pension is v poor and any large household expenses will fall to him only.
Being able to pay the bills month to month is only part of the financial issue.

But they have shared investment properties also. I'm sure they'll be fine in their retirements.

The post has been deleted; why will you be letting his dad down?

OP you sound burnt out - by all means take a break but YABVU to go part-time without your husband’s support. Maybe as stopgap but you need to be fully honest with him.
I would 100% not support my partner going part time unless they brought in a similar income to a full timer (if we didn’t have kids). But that’s because I don’t see why they should be doing what they like on my dime. You have an odd problem in that your husband is financially generous but doesn’t see WHY you’d like to go part time
I’ll get flamed for saying this and it’s not very nice but i just can’t reconcile going out to work while my partner gallivants around having fun