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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go part time without DHs support?

141 replies

user123532 · 27/05/2021 19:33

WIBU to apply for a part time job?

There’s a big back story but I really don’t like my current job. It’s a terrible fit for me. I have no work/life balance, it makes me anxious and depressed and has really wrecked my self esteem.

I’ve just seen a job that I want to apply for, that is part time. I’ve been thinking about going part time a lot lately and wondering if I should just apply for it, even though I don’t have DHs support in doing so?

We don’t have any kids and are lucky in the fact that we’re okay financially, not rich by any means but we could afford for us both to work part time if we wanted to, we have a “forever” house that we’ve just finished renovating that we only have a fairly low mortgage on. I can cover my half of the bills and monthly spending money but wouldn’t have much leftover, although we have a couple of joint rental properties that are bringing in a bit of money as well and I have some savings.

I would love to work part time, I think it would be so good for me. I’d finally be able to get a Golden Retriever puppy, could take care of the house/garden properly, volunteer, improve my fitness and spend more time with the people I love, all of which really suffer at the moment because of my job.

DH is really against it, he doesn’t want me to do it. He can’t understand why I wouldnt want the extra money, and working part time would be his idea of hell as he loves his job. Work is the only thing we ever really clash on. I know I might not get this job but I would look for others as well if not.

So, what do you think? WIBU to go part time?

OP posts:
Bargebill19 · 27/05/2021 20:13

I have gone part time for most of your reasons. It works surprisingly well. I have enough money to confetti what we both want, and enough free hours to not only do things I want and we want to do, but I can take on more of the house work/admin/life stuff from DH - who tries, but works long hours doing what he loves. He doesn’t really have the time or energy to do house hold chores as well.
Both of us working full time is definitely detrimental to our relationship. We are both happier and achieve more towards our desired joint goals. The money was nice, but life is nicer and we cope just fine.

Discuss it with your Dh.

LolaSmiles · 27/05/2021 20:13

IceCreamAndCandyfloss
I think most people are being quite reasonable by saying it's OK to want to go part time, but unreasonable to want to make a unilateral decision and expect her husband to accept it.

katy1213 · 27/05/2021 20:14

If you're paying your way, you don't need his permission. Though he's under no obligation to make sure you have equal spending money/holidays.

Castlepeak · 27/05/2021 20:17

You can’t just unilaterally decide to shift more financial burden to your partner/spouse. Fair enough to need to look for a new job and consider ones with a lower salary, but going part-time really needs to be a mutual decision.

Velvian · 27/05/2021 20:18

I do not agree that a man would be slated. I fully supported my DH to go part time when he was suffering with stress and anxiety, because I care about him. It was really good for me too to have him at home on those days while I was working.

Definitely apply, you have nothing to lose in doing so. It may be that there is the option to increase your hours in future.

MissConductUS · 27/05/2021 20:18

I think the fairest thing to do would be to find a new job that isn't quite so draining for you but provides a similar income.

SuperMonkeys · 27/05/2021 20:19

I've seen a fair few posts even just recently where the wife was roundly slated for not supporting her husband in similar circumstances. One even with kids in the mix.

LegoPirateMonkey · 27/05/2021 20:24

When I was working (part time!) in a job that destroyed my mental health and made me desperately unhappy to the point of a total disintegration, my husband wanted me to resign even though it would have capsized our finances and put a huge burden on him. For people to not understand how a spouse could value their partner’s wellbeing and sanity over money - when the OP would still be earning enough for them to manage pretty comfortably by the sounds of it! - is so cold and strange to me.

As it happened, I had a massively lucky break into my dream career and now work a lot less for a lot more money in something that makes me very happy but we would have done anything to get me out of my previous job. Sold the house, downsized, given up all our extras, whatever. Because we’re a team and it was killing me. No job and no amount of money can ever be worth that.

SarahBellam · 27/05/2021 20:24

I think choosing to go part time because you want a puppy and to putter about in the garden while your husband works full time sounds pretty selfish. Have you thought about getting a full time job somewhere else?

LolaSmiles · 27/05/2021 20:25

SuperMonkeys
I didn't see those threads, but I do agree that nobody should have to remain in a job that is causing them harm. I think a lot of men experience mental health issues and the pressure to remain in particular jobs, and to provide is part of that.

However, no man or woman gets to unilaterally decide to quit their job, drop their income, without discussing it with their spouse.

StClairStreet · 27/05/2021 20:26

I think he is being unreasonable given that you aren’t asking him to support you financially. It would be different if you needed him to pay a greater share of the bills etc, but you aren’t asking for that. He should be more understanding of the toll your job is taking on your health and stop prioritising money at the expense of your well-being.

Redjumper1 · 27/05/2021 20:30

You should change your job as you are unhappy. It doesn't need to be to a part time one. Having no holidays to me is a very significant lifestyle change.

DinoHat · 27/05/2021 20:30

If you can afford it then why not? I have never understood the requirement to have kids to go PT - you have less money with kids not more!

LittleOwl153 · 27/05/2021 20:31

I think the health angle is kind of overriding here. There have been many a post of male breadwinners needing to step back for health reasons.

OP could you discuss it with your husband on the basis that you apply for this job or something similar for 1 year, at which point you reassess and probably look to returning full time and returning to your previous income levels? I think ignoring your health could bring big future issues but clearly giving up work before the while kids etc discussions / long working life to go puts a big burden on him also.
He doesn't understand your lack of desire to earn - fine. But does he get the health detriment?

Namenic · 27/05/2021 20:34

OP - I think it is a bit unfair to go part time unilaterally. He might feel more pressure if your income reduces - eg what happens if he gets sick? Would your employer simply be able to increase your hours? Would it be easy to increase your earning power quickly with your skill set? Would you think about children in the future?

But I do sympathise with hating your job. I career changed at about your age - and the difference was amazing. However, as I had a mortgage and kids, I was careful about what I chose (was looking for about 3 years while I was still in my old job) and ended up with similar salary, but hugely improved work-life balance. Perhaps if you could look around at different options - that might give a middle ground (eg 4 days per week instead of 5 or career change to something with a better work life balance - so initially take a salary hit but potential for progression if you decide to later)? I hope you can both understand each others’ points of view and come to a compromise.

BrownEyedGirl80 · 27/05/2021 20:35

I work very part time but would be reluctant to without dh full support.

Iggly · 27/05/2021 20:38

Your husband seems to be lacking in empathy and only sees it as he’s experiencing things. That’s pretty poor.

TiredoutMum93 · 27/05/2021 20:41

My ex was the same. We never lasted. It was his way of control making me feel bad when it came to work decisions. It’s your life. You can pay the bills why should you explain? I usually find it’s because they’re envious

CorianderBee · 27/05/2021 20:42

I'd be very resentful if I was your partner. It leaves him to pick up the slack if you have any emergencies financially and means you won't be able to afford to do things with him without him subbing you.

But if your job is killing you I suppose you have to. Though, it's a pretty big betrayal.

LegoPirateMonkey · 27/05/2021 20:46

CorianderBee, would it be a betrayal if she was physically too ill to work or is it only becoming mentally ill that’s a betrayal??

FinallyHere · 27/05/2021 20:46

We don’t have any kids

Please, have a really, really serious think about what you want to do with your life.

Without DC, how are you going to ensure your husband does his fair share of the household chores with you are only working part time ? Will you pick up the giants share, and skivy for him?

How are you going to ensure that you build a pension sufficient to keep you in your old age?

What is it that you don't like about your current job? What differences would you want from a job in order to enjoy it and find it fulfilling?

Claiming the resources to support your lifestyle so that you can no longer have interesting holidays does seem a tad selfish.

Even when married, you make yourself so vulnerable when you do not earn your own living.

Bourbonic · 27/05/2021 20:50

If my husband told me he wanted to go part time so he could get a puppy and improve his fitness I don't think I'd be all that supportive.

Namenic · 27/05/2021 20:56

I think it’s one thing to resign from a job for health reasons - to avoid damaging stress. I would have been happy to work in many other jobs full time, but took a long time to leave as I had already invested a lot in my first career.

But is working part time and getting a puppy really a necessary for health? I think it is for some people - who have a breakdown or develop medical conditions. But it isn’t for others. So I think it really does depend on the circumstances. Perhaps you building up a bigger saving pot for this - ie reducing your normal personal spending to fund it. Might help him see that you are being financially responsible - might that help him compromise?

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 27/05/2021 20:57

My DH mental health and self esteem are being massively affected by his job. I’m pretty much begging him to get a new job, even if it’s lower salary- it will be a step in the right direction and we can tighten our belts. I can’t fathom your DH not feeling the same. Mental health is more important than holidays overseas.

VodselForDinner · 27/05/2021 20:57

Sorry OP, but I’m with your husband.

(For context, double-income no-kids couple here too).

I would be so pissed off if I had to give up holidays so that my husband could stay at home with a puppy.

You definitely need a new job, though. The current one doesn’t sound sustainable. Do you think if you got away from the strain of it, it’d be as freeing as working part time?

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