To go part time without DHs support?

[user123532]

WIBU to apply for a part time job?

There’s a big back story but I really don’t like my current job. It’s a terrible fit for me. I have no work/life balance, it makes me anxious and depressed and has really wrecked my self esteem.

I’ve just seen a job that I want to apply for, that is part time. I’ve been thinking about going part time a lot lately and wondering if I should just apply for it, even though I don’t have DHs support in doing so?

We don’t have any kids and are lucky in the fact that we’re okay financially, not rich by any means but we could afford for us both to work part time if we wanted to, we have a “forever” house that we’ve just finished renovating that we only have a fairly low mortgage on. I can cover my half of the bills and monthly spending money but wouldn’t have much leftover, although we have a couple of joint rental properties that are bringing in a bit of money as well and I have some savings.

I would love to work part time, I think it would be so good for me. I’d finally be able to get a Golden Retriever puppy, could take care of the house/garden properly, volunteer, improve my fitness and spend more time with the people I love, all of which really suffer at the moment because of my job.

DH is really against it, he doesn’t want me to do it. He can’t understand why I wouldnt want the extra money, and working part time would be his idea of hell as he loves his job. Work is the only thing we ever really clash on. I know I might not get this job but I would look for others as well if not.

So, what do you think? WIBU to go part time?

I would absolutely 100% leave my spouse if they unilaterally did this. You’d be completely changing my lifestyle, security and life plan. You’d be signing me up for a life I didn’t agree to. And I would find it embarrassing to say to people that my spouse just looks after a dog, so we can’t go on holidays or enjoy ourselves anymore.

If you do this I think it’s absolutely a grounds for divorce. Working full time is the default for adults in the world.

Do you work for his dad? Apologies I can’t see it as the post seems to be deleted.

You clealry hate your job—you need a new job. That’s a totally different issue to full time vs part time

I think its a shame he is so dead against it .In a way you are both being! He is obviously happy and wants all the goodies and a good standard of living ,you would be happy with a pup and some more downtime . I think if you could explain your reasons in more detail to him, then he still doesnt think so you are at a stalemate .Can you arrange Doggy Day Care and carry on working ,maybe a compressed week (4 days or so).This may be more acceptable .You need to reach some sort of a compromise here!

Presumably you can support yourself without him carrying the burden? If so, I don’t see a problem. If you can’t then it’s not fair to expect someone else to have the financial weight on their shoulders.

@user123532 sounds like this is more about bullying in your current job than inherently not liking the type of work. Sorry didn't read your deleted post but inferring. That will destroy your confidence and take away your ability to see the situation clearly.

I've been there so really sympathise. You really need to get out of this job now. Resign and then take a bit of time off to heal and get your head together. You WILL get another job, you are just as competent as you were before you had the stuffing knocked out of you by the bullying. You will be able to see this once you have got away from this toxic situation. Maybe get some counselling as well but choose a better one than you had before. Your DH should really be supporting you in this, your mental health should be his priority here.

Part time work is not the answer to a toxic work environment where you are being abused. The only amount of abuse you should be expected to take is none. Once you get your head straight and find a healthier non abusive workplace you will find that you can cope with full time as your working hours will no longer be an endurance exercise.

Good luck

Not read the full thread but:

1. You only get one life - you have the means to try it. If it doesn’t work out then you can get another job. It’s not as fixed as some people are making out to be.

I was in a similar position, waited and waited and almost begged my husband to say we were a team, and I could take a break. He never would. He was petrified. Until one day I just resigned. It was one of my most empowering days because I put my health and myself first.

Now, three years later my husband goes on and on about how much better our lives are.

What about a full time job you love?
And getting a rescue dog if you do go part time?🐕🌈

I think if my husband decided to go part time to pursue his hobbies and interests I would be a bit as if wonder how this would affect our finances and is think what about me? However if he hated his job and needed to work part time to heal a bit then I would full support that. I'd be pissed off.if he decided without discussion or compromise.

I agree with previous posters that if you're burning out at your current job it's appropriate to do something fairly radical to take care of yourself. I don't agree with the getting a dog bit, but if you framed it as looking for jobs with a different work-life balance, which might or might not be part-time, and if part-time, then probably only temporarily, would your husband be more sympathetic? You could then apply for this job, and potentially other jobs (which you might or might not get), and gradually make a plan for transitioning to a new working environment and addressing your stress levels.
I'd strongly recommend keeping on with counselling, though, because if you don't find another job, seeing a counsellor could help to support you in negotiating things with your current job to make things a little easier.

You need to resign and try to get another job, even 4 days a week would be manageable and feel like a break without too much loss of income.

What I can't understand on this thread, is lots of people saying full time work is the default for adults. How do those posters explain women who have teenage children, started working 3 days a week when they were small and STILL do 3 days a week. There are a lot of women like this, at work and inlaws, and these women are not 60, winding down to retirement. A share of these women are 45 ffs. Their dhs support them as they are 'running a house and have 2 late teens'. These individuals have more energy than people of a similar age who work fulltime.

Yep I don't get it either, I think the poster upthread had it when she said no one is against people working part time if she had children, when children are a far more expensive lifestyle.

Say OP posted "we are thinking of having a baby, if it happens I'd go part time and we can pretty much afford our current lifestyle if I were to do that. We could even afford for DH to drop his hours although as a workaholic he wouldn't want to." Everyone would say go for it. Literally no one would reply "I dunno OP, what about your pension, what if your DH is laid off, nah better stay child free".

Is it because having children is seen as a "worthy" choice? That's ridiculous, everyone's lifestyle choices are equally important and valid.

FlyNow
That's a different situation entirely.

Wanting to go part time, make the decision knowing that doing it means your husband has to plus the gaps, and expecting to force a change your spouse's lifestyle because you want a dog and time for hobbies is totally different from couple choosing to have a child and both agreeing to change the household finances to reflect the situation.

For what it's worth though, there's lots of threads on here where women advocate fellow women paying attention to their pensions and long term security following children.

Lots of people give up work or go part-time when having children because the logistics of juggling childcare and high costs means it makes sense to have a parent perform that function ( plus a preference to do it themselves). You’re mistaken though if you don’t think posters in that position don’t get advised to watch their financial position because they do. Probably not so much those who are part-time because they may be able to increase their hours at their employers easily enough ( I know I could ) but SAHP do all the time on here. Women get screwed over all the time when it comes to financial settlements in the case of a divorce. A woman working part-time with older children IS taking a risk potentially if there’s no plan in place to top up her pension but it’s not insurmountable to resolve if the partner is fully supportive. A woman who steps back in her 30s - when many people are working their way up the ladder, is potentially impacting on her longer term career potential and financial stability and hasn’t got a trade off other than more leisure time and a pet dog.

The sensible thing to do would be to look for another FT job & take a holiday or unpaid leave whilst still being employed. Or use your holiday allowance, so that you work one day a week less.
It is generally considered easier to find new employment while you are still employed

What are your plans for 44, 54, 64, + ?

I agree with Divebar2021

You need to crunch the numbers

@Bourbonic

If my husband told me he wanted to go part time so he could get a puppy and improve his fitness I don't think I'd be all that supportive.

Yeah, I'd be thinking, 'See how you can afford all this on your own then.'