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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go part time without DHs support?

141 replies

user123532 · 27/05/2021 19:33

WIBU to apply for a part time job?

There’s a big back story but I really don’t like my current job. It’s a terrible fit for me. I have no work/life balance, it makes me anxious and depressed and has really wrecked my self esteem.

I’ve just seen a job that I want to apply for, that is part time. I’ve been thinking about going part time a lot lately and wondering if I should just apply for it, even though I don’t have DHs support in doing so?

We don’t have any kids and are lucky in the fact that we’re okay financially, not rich by any means but we could afford for us both to work part time if we wanted to, we have a “forever” house that we’ve just finished renovating that we only have a fairly low mortgage on. I can cover my half of the bills and monthly spending money but wouldn’t have much leftover, although we have a couple of joint rental properties that are bringing in a bit of money as well and I have some savings.

I would love to work part time, I think it would be so good for me. I’d finally be able to get a Golden Retriever puppy, could take care of the house/garden properly, volunteer, improve my fitness and spend more time with the people I love, all of which really suffer at the moment because of my job.

DH is really against it, he doesn’t want me to do it. He can’t understand why I wouldnt want the extra money, and working part time would be his idea of hell as he loves his job. Work is the only thing we ever really clash on. I know I might not get this job but I would look for others as well if not.

So, what do you think? WIBU to go part time?

OP posts:
drpet49 · 28/05/2021 05:56

* Can't believe the voting, you aren't even listing any benefits to the family - just to you.*

^This The OP is only 34 years old and instead of looking for a new job she wants to go part time doing her own thing for her benefit. If I was her husband I would resent her for this.

malificent7 · 28/05/2021 06:02

Well it's ok for him isn't it? He loves his job so presumably ft suits him. I have been in jobs that make me stressed and anxious and it's hell. Perhaps take pt job and then another job like cleaning or something you can do at home. He's not your master but i would try and be as independent as possible in case you have to ltb.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 28/05/2021 06:14

I don't think it's fair to say that op's dh is unsupportive or her mental health. His response might be different if op was suggesting finding a new job, or even resigning tomorrow to fully focus on finding a new job.

But she is essentially making a decision that from now on she can pay her share of the essentials but no more. So an unexpected bill, a weekend away, a big holiday would all fall to him or not happen, for an indefinite period, maybe forever.

Perhaps he doesn't want a life that is confined to the essentials only, or a life where any extras are funded by him in order to facilitate his wife's very early semi retirement of pottering in the garden and walking the dog.

OP, the compromise is moving jobs for a similar salary. If that doesn't appeal, your prime motive must be part time work and not leaving an unhappy job.

Divebar2021 · 28/05/2021 06:37

I don’t understand why the only choice is stay in this job or go part-time. No mention of a new FT job or re-training. I’ve worked long hours in a very toxic culture and really hated it but was single and didn’t have the option of going part-time or just resigning. . My fantasy option was moving to Canada and I did get as far as getting the visa. I have no idea what I would have done in Canada but really it was just about running away. Once I moved jobs I could handle the long hours because the culture of the office was no longer toxic. I then moved into a much lower stress position that I really enjoyed. I see your part-time job and dog ambitions as a bit of a running away fantasy but one that is only possible if someone else picks up the slack financially. I’m currently part-time ( 4 days) because of childcare reasons. I didn’t do it in my 30s though I did it in my 40s. It was a decision made jointly but I am aware of the financial impact it has had on my pension and the implications for me if I were to divorce. Your 30’s are not the time to take your foot off the gas.

Dozer · 28/05/2021 06:44

So the issues are your current mental health and that you dislike your current job/hours, and this is a stressor, and you think a factor in your health.

Think it’d be much better to do what you can now to improve your health, eg work fewer hours (still FT but less overtime) and seek another FT job.

Beyond the short term bills, PT wages would negatively affect your earnings, pension etc.

Krabapple · 28/05/2021 06:47

Go for it. Your mental well being is so important. You can always up your hours or look for something different in a few years.

Zzelda · 28/05/2021 06:49

Who would look after the puppy when you're at work?

PersistentComplaints · 28/05/2021 07:27

If you split up will it still be viable for you? Likely not.
So however you dress it up it depends on his income to allow you to do this.

If it was about your mental health then yes you might well change job, but if it’s to babysit a puppy then it’s just self indulgence.
Keep your self respect and the ability to support yourself.

Dozer · 28/05/2021 07:30

There’re a lot of considerations with mental health, and it’s not a given that working PT helps.

NerrSnerr · 28/05/2021 07:40

How many hours is the part time job and is your current job 37.5 hours or do you work much longer hours (or have a long commute?)

Could you try and wait for a better full time job? It does seem like quite a burden that your husband is to be the main earner for the next 30+ years.

Washimal · 28/05/2021 08:21

Why is it a choice between staying in a FT job that makes you miserable or getting a new PT job? Surely the ideal solution is staring you in the face, look for a new FT job. That way your DH doesn't have to shoulder the extra burden of being the main breadwinner, you don't have to worry about the impact on your pension, you could still support yourself in the event of a seperation etc. It seems like a no-brainer. The fact that you don't seem to have considered this does make me wonder if you just fancy the idea of more free time (wouldn't we all!) so maybe this is why your DH isn't on board.

Naunet · 28/05/2021 08:24

There seems to be a lot of men around recently who think they can dictate where and how their wife works. If you’re covering your share, the rest is your business.

Howshouldibehave · 28/05/2021 08:26

If you split up will it still be viable for you?

This. If going part time is only a possible long term solution because you can use DH’s salary and then pension later on, then I think it needs to be more of a joint decision.

rookiemere · 28/05/2021 08:30

A bit like previous poster, but could you afford to go pt if it was just you and you didn't have DHs income as well ?

Cactusesi · 28/05/2021 08:31

This is so sad. The two of you no longer share dreams and ambitions.
Is your ambition to remain married? Or is it time to roll the dice?
Don't stay in a job you hate. Either find a well-paid full-time job you like if you want to indulge/appease/keep your husband or go part-time and take the risk that your relationship might not survive.

LolaSmiles · 28/05/2021 08:32

There seems to be a lot of men around recently who think they can dictate where and how their wife works. If you’re covering your share, the rest is your business
Whereas I'd say when two people choose to be a unit, they discuss things and neither makes unilateral decisions that affect the household, especially when they're expecting their spouse to pick up any extra expenses.

Cactusesi · 28/05/2021 08:55

When individuals in a couple disagree about what to do, the decision, even if it to preserve the stars quo, is unilateral.

LolaSmiles · 28/05/2021 09:01

When individuals in a couple disagree about what to do, the decision, even if it to preserve the stars quo, is unilateral.
That supposes that the options are:
A) preserve the status quo
B) do exactly what the person who wants change wants

Take the OP's situation, the options aren't:
A) preserve the status quo
B) OP goes part time without discussion because she wants hobby time and a dog

There's many other options:

  • a different full time job
  • flexible working in any future roles
  • discussing the household finances and exploring what part time options exist that don't cause a substantial drop in the finances
  • higher paying part time jobs so the hours drop, without a big drop in income
  • retraining into a new area that is interesting
  • freelancing, if viable
And so on

The OP has said that her husband is going to have to plug the gaps for big unexpected expenses, and not everyone wants to be the financial safety net so their partner can have more time to work on their fitness.

There are options .

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 28/05/2021 09:13

He can’t understand why I wouldnt want the extra money, and working part time would be his idea of hell as he loves his job.

The practicalities are important, but the fact he doesn't even understand why you want to do it is a concern. This is an intimacy issue as much as anything else. It's as if you are on two separate tracks which have run side by side for a long time but maybe they are diverging. I would talk to him very seriously about it and tell him that this is becoming a deal breaker for your marriage.

You need to talk to each other about more of the "big picture". What are your longer term plans? And his? Do you both have plans for children? When? You say "I could finally get a puppy" but does your husband want one? Because that's a big financial, time and emotional commitment for both of you.

Once you've figured out where you both are and where you each want to go, you can make a plan. Could you work part time for a year and then revisit the decision?

Naunet · 28/05/2021 09:57

@Cactusesi

This is so sad. The two of you no longer share dreams and ambitions. Is your ambition to remain married? Or is it time to roll the dice? Don't stay in a job you hate. Either find a well-paid full-time job you like if you want to indulge/appease/keep your husband or go part-time and take the risk that your relationship might not survive.
Yeah, do what men say or they might leave you...
Naunet · 28/05/2021 10:00

@LolaSmiles

There seems to be a lot of men around recently who think they can dictate where and how their wife works. If you’re covering your share, the rest is your business Whereas I'd say when two people choose to be a unit, they discuss things and neither makes unilateral decisions that affect the household, especially when they're expecting their spouse to pick up any extra expenses.
Yeah, very nice idea, but men who like to dictate, don’t tend to want to discuss problems and work out the best solution for everyone. OP is a grown adult, she can make her own choices.
vivainsomnia · 28/05/2021 10:21

What is it about the job that got you close to a breakdown? Long hours, unachievable deadlines, unreasonable managers?

Most people who don't have serious health issues and don't have children can cope to work FT at your age. To be honest, many would find it lazy to only want to work PT in these circumstances. More than fair enough to look for another role, but PT? Ultimately, it will inevitably have an impact on your finances as a couple and what you can and can't do.

If you go PT now because you want to enjoy life better, you are very unlikely to ever want to go back FT because indeed, you will find the balance very comfortable, so it is putting extra pressure on your husband now and for the rest of your future together.

As others have said, if my OH made that decision of his own, and that meant only being able to afford a week holiday a year in the UK as opposed to two weeks in exotic places, or it would be up to me to pay it all because he otherwise couldn't afford it, or having to go without him, I would quickly grow to be quite resentful.

LolaSmiles · 28/05/2021 10:24

Yeah, very nice idea, but men who like to dictate, don’t tend to want to discuss problems and work out the best solution for everyone. OP is a grown adult, she can make her own choices.

No adult has to accept another adult expecting to be propped up by them. It's not about men and women. The OP has acknowledged that any shortfall or big expenses would have to come from her husband, so her actions are directly affecting him.

If my husband took that approach, decided to go part time without discussing it, and expected me to pick up expenses because he wanted wanted get a dog and work on his fitness, he'd quickly find himself an ex-husband.

MiddleParking · 28/05/2021 10:36

I don’t see how the husband is dictating any more than OP is.

Howshouldibehave · 28/05/2021 11:17

If my husband took that approach, decided to go part time without discussing it, and expected me to pick up expenses because he wanted wanted get a dog and work on his fitness, he'd quickly find himself an ex-husband

Exactly! It sounds like the OP only has the capacity to do this if she has her DH’s salary to prop things up, so if he is unhappy with the arrangement, it seems it’s not going to be the best idea.

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