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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants me to earn £1k per week

352 replies

MariaMackee · 27/05/2021 13:40

DH and I both work for ourselves but have very different jobs. He owns a business and works long hours as you’d expect being a business owner.

I work part time providing a specialist service to clients (nothing untoward) and am paid by the hour. I currently bring home about £750 per week.

Because he works long hours I do the majority of the household chores which includes all laundry, food shopping and cooking. He does all the recycling, bins and maintains the garden. We also have two teenagers who are pretty good and self sufficient.

We are reasonably comfortable financially, but DH says we need to make as much money as possible so we can retire earlier and not have worry about money. I see his point but I am happy as I am and would have to do at least 5 more hours a week to make £1k.

It’s causing a bit of friction and I feel pressured, he says another 5 hours is not much, but I already feel exhausted with running the home and quite like having some time to myself.

AIBU or should I increase my hours to keep the peace?

OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 27/05/2021 19:47

He's being an arse.

Maybe he could cut back his hours and do all the house etc stuff you're doing and you can do the extra hours then. Sure he'll say no. What does he want the extra cash for? Why doesn't he value the hours you're putting in on the home stuff?

TatianaBis · 27/05/2021 19:53

@BoxHedge

Your DH sounds like a saint.

61 years old

He suffers from fibromyalgia and sleep deprivation.

He works every day bar Christmas Day.

He can’t retire or even slow down, because he’s trying to get his son trained up and get the business in a position to hand over.

Given you are much younger and you have the skills to do so, do you not feel the need to contribute more if that would ease things for him?

It would be different if you would be happy for him to work the same hours as you do. But it sounds like that wouldn’t work out, either financially or for your son’s welfare, so you’re happy for him to keep on working himself to the ground?

A saint who doesn’t cook, does no house work and just about manages to get the bins out once a week.

OP earns perfectly good money.

If he would accept a cleaner let alone learnt to cook that would easily save OP enough working hours to do more paid work. But sir doesn’t like other people on his house.

Original poster
MariaMackee · 27/05/2021 19:53

@BoxHedge

Your DH sounds like a saint.

61 years old

He suffers from fibromyalgia and sleep deprivation.

He works every day bar Christmas Day.

He can’t retire or even slow down, because he’s trying to get his son trained up and get the business in a position to hand over.

Given you are much younger and you have the skills to do so, do you not feel the need to contribute more if that would ease things for him?

It would be different if you would be happy for him to work the same hours as you do. But it sounds like that wouldn’t work out, either financially or for your son’s welfare, so you’re happy for him to keep on working himself to the ground?

No I’m not happy for him to work himself to the ground. He does work hard but he also thrives on it. If he stays still his body seems to seize up and he says he gets brain fog. I don’t expect it but it’s necessary for the nature of what the business is and as you said he’s trying to secure a future for our boy(s).

I am much younger but feel I contribute enough financially. Also my working hours would not effect his working hours, he would still work the same amount. He just has this habit of expecting more and more.

He is very supportive and treats me very well, for example the other day he surprised me by designing a website for me. He is not a website designer but had spent hours and hours teaching himself to do it and working on it late at night (I was completely unaware as his office is at the other end of the house ) it was absolutely stunning! I was so impressed and grateful. Then I thought maybe he had his own motive to try and get me to take on new work? Maybe I’m just being cynical 🤨

Anyway, I can’t complain really but I feel I have the right balance and I know if I took on extra hours I would feel stressed.

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 27/05/2021 20:02

If only he’d teach himself to cook and clean eh?

blubberyboo · 27/05/2021 20:04

Can I go into partnership with you? I’ll do 20 hours a week for £1000 and give you £250 of it.

Original poster
MariaMackee · 27/05/2021 20:07

@blubberyboo

Can I go into partnership with you? I’ll do 20 hours a week for £1000 and give you £250 of it.
Sure 👍
OP posts:
justasking111 · 27/05/2021 20:13

A friend earns £50 an hour, cleaner, £12 an hour, professional laundry company costs £60 a week everything washed dried, ironed and returned. They say it's sensible to outsource labour at these prices Rather than do it themselves , they also have a lawn doctor

NiceGerbil · 27/05/2021 20:14

He generously spent hours and hours while you thought he was working, learning s fun new skill and not find housework Grin

NiceGerbil · 27/05/2021 20:14

Doing housework that should say!

Original poster
MariaMackee · 27/05/2021 20:17

@NiceGerbil

He generously spent hours and hours while you thought he was working, learning s fun new skill and not find housework Grin
I know, I caught him having a nap once as well (he has a sofa in his office). Maybe he’s not working hard at all - just enjoying his own company 🤣
OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 27/05/2021 20:26

I work in IT and this is s common thing tbh. The men have their nice offices and we have drinks after work etc and when there's a knock they hide them...!

ittakes2 · 27/05/2021 20:45

I am guessing your hourly rate is higher than a cleaners - pay for a cleaner as this would be cheaper than you doing the cleaning.

waitingforthenextseason · 27/05/2021 21:08

I imagine you working term time hours benefitted the family massively because you wouldn't have had to pay for childcare for all the school years... plus you do the heavy lifting at home.

YANBU

Mandalay246 · 27/05/2021 21:09

There wouldn't even be any debate from me. How dare he think he can dictate how many hours you work!! Just tell him you aren't doing it.

partyatthepalace · 27/05/2021 21:26

Increase the hours and get a cleaner and he cooks an extra night or does blah? And maybe Chuck in some M n S meals.

If you can earn that it seems pretty crazy not to put in those extra hours because you could offload the cleaning for much less.

TheVoiceInMyHead · 28/05/2021 03:01

Well, you may not share his desire to retire early (although I think it's possible you may become resentful when he does if you're still working) but it may be the case that he's having to spend much more of his salary facilitating you not working, which in turn means he'll have to work longer.

TheVoiceInMyHead · 28/05/2021 03:08

I must admit I'm often sceptical when I read these threads where the husband is working 80 hours a week and the wife is working less than a quarter of that but claims to be making an equal contribution through housework.

A true solution would be to split both housework and financial contribution 50/50, which I think many of the part timers would suddenly find less attractive.

BoxHedge · 28/05/2021 05:52

Sounds like a very unbalanced setup, with him being a workaholic, and you barely wanting to work at all.

Ideally you’d both meet somewhere in the middle in terms of working hours. Only then would the conversation about housework/cleaner be relevant.

TatianaBis · 28/05/2021 06:35

A true solution would be to split both housework and financial contribution 50/50, which I think many of the part timers would suddenly find less attractive.

Too many men think domestic work is wifework so the result for the woman is 50% financial contribution and 100% of the domestic work.

georgarina · 28/05/2021 06:42

Ultimately it's up to you how much you work but I see his point.

If he's working all the time only relaxing Christmas Day and you're only on 15 hours a week it makes sense you'd be doing the majority of the housework and could fit in more hours besides.

If it doesn't affect him that's one thing but is he needing to work so hard to support the whole family/your future? Could he relax more if you did more hours?

Delatron · 28/05/2021 06:44

With a man like OP’s husband she will never get true 50:50 on the housework/cooking. She knows that so does what works for her without getting stressed. My DH is the same. Ridiculously long hours. So how do you get 50:50? You have to get outside help and her DH won’t even get a cleaner.

Delatron · 28/05/2021 06:45

I wouldn’t say OP is ‘barely’ working at all. She brings in £750 a week! She is doing very well.

rookiemere · 28/05/2021 07:30

Exactly @Delatron I'd be delighted if I did a job I loved and managed to earn as much as the OP. She's set up her life in a way that works well for her and earns a very decent wage and all credit to her. I'm sure when the demanding DCs were younger her remaining time was more than taken up with parenting.

I don't think she has said anywhere what her DH earns - maybe he's not the higher earner after all. Also if her DH has time to set her up a new website and take naps, feels more like he is avoiding interacting with his family than anything else. I'm not saying he isn't working hard, but as with anyone who works super long hours, I suspect it could be done more productively.

If he wanted OP to work more because he wanted to step back a bit and the family needed the money then I could see the point of the request, but it seems to be driven from a desire to even things up, rather than any financial need.

Naunet · 28/05/2021 07:39

@TheVoiceInMyHead

I must admit I'm often sceptical when I read these threads where the husband is working 80 hours a week and the wife is working less than a quarter of that but claims to be making an equal contribution through housework.

A true solution would be to split both housework and financial contribution 50/50, which I think many of the part timers would suddenly find less attractive.

Ahh, so she’s already paying 50% AND doing all the housework, so you must agree that it’s him who needs to step up, right?
IgglePiggleHater · 28/05/2021 07:45

I agree @Naunet. The OP is doing her share of earning the money. Let's say she earns 30%.

It's her husband who isn't pulling his weight. If she earns 30% of the household income, he should be doing 30% of the household chores on that logic.

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