Husband wants me to earn £1k per week

[MariaMackee]

DH and I both work for ourselves but have very different jobs. He owns a business and works long hours as you’d expect being a business owner.

I work part time providing a specialist service to clients (nothing untoward) and am paid by the hour. I currently bring home about £750 per week.

Because he works long hours I do the majority of the household chores which includes all laundry, food shopping and cooking. He does all the recycling, bins and maintains the garden. We also have two teenagers who are pretty good and self sufficient.

We are reasonably comfortable financially, but DH says we need to make as much money as possible so we can retire earlier and not have worry about money. I see his point but I am happy as I am and would have to do at least 5 more hours a week to make £1k.

It’s causing a bit of friction and I feel pressured, he says another 5 hours is not much, but I already feel exhausted with running the home and quite like having some time to myself.

AIBU or should I increase my hours to keep the peace?

Yes I have thought about that, it’s a good suggestion but one of the main reasons I am successful is how I am and how I deal with the people I work with. Sorry I know that sounds really big headed

No that’s not big headed at all! Some jobs you can outsource quite easily but others you can’t.

I work full time and have young children and do housework. Earn as much as you can go full time

Am I getting this right OP, he wants you to work these extra 5 hours and pay the money into his pension?

if you unquestioningly follow that plans he has laid out you will find in time that those plans were designed to benefit the person who designed them

@Naunet

Am I getting this right OP, he wants you to work these extra 5 hours and pay the money into his pension?

No, the extra money would go into our joint savings account

Explain why that is when she does 15 hours of work and he most likely does a minimum of 45?

He makes a choice to do these hours (and avoid domestic responsibilities). It's a choice many men make when kids come along - work longer hours and have an excuse to avoid the kids shit.

What often happens is that women build their careers/businesses around the children - they earn what they can by working school hours, evenings, weekends. They have to balance things - kids, house, work. While their OH only has one thing to concentrate on - work.

It's stressful in the early years when the kids are young and you need to run after them, sort holiday childcare and ferry to and from activities and parties. But then they become more independent and it's not so stressful anymore. And mums who have been doing this all suddenly find they have more time to themselves (shock horror !)

And suddenly it's not true that a woman's work is never done. And the one working long hours in the office no longer has the easier life.

Why shouldn't the OP enjoy this time and take it easy? She's done the hard bit.

I don’t really know. I don’t like thinking too far ahead

Yes of course, but DH and I are quite intelligent human beings and know what will work and what won’t. We don’t make assumptions.

And, yet, here you are.

Intelligent people can be less so in some areas of their lives. But can think that they are in all areas.

No, the extra money would go into our joint savings account

Ok, and what are the savings for? Retirement or something else specific?

I don’t think it’s fair that one person in a partnership gets to dictate all of the terms, so I can’t agree with the posters that think you should work more if you don’t want to, are already paying everything 50/50 AND do all of the housework.

You say your teens are pretty good, and that you can up your income (take-home?) by £250 by working 5 more hours. So... you can make £50/hour. I imagine you could bribe your teens with 5 hours of housework between them for substantially less than that - say £10/hour. Could that be an option? You working more, with your teens doing more (and getting "paid" to do so, so they don't resent it).

You wouldn't net quite the full £250, but your additional expenses would be income within the family, so keeping the wealth together.

And mums who have been doing this all suddenly find they have more time to themselves
and someone will move in and try to use up her spare time lest she gets any ideas about freedom and living life for herself...

He sounds a joyless knob.

So you work around 15 hours a week but only term time.
He works 45 hours a week all year round.
He thinks you could work 5 hours a week more again only term time so you could both retire a bit earlier.

Umm you have it easy really. Lucky you. Now is this a stealth boast (since many people earn less per week for a lot more hours) or do you really want to know whether you could do a few hours a week more term time?

[quote me4real]@MariaMackee 'Show me Heaven' by Maria McKee is one of my all time favourite songs of my childhood/early teens BTW. I still sing it round the house sometimes more than 30 years later.

I'm a bit worried about the 'ensuring DS has a career' bit. This is all very well but there might've been other issues contributing to his school refusal etc which need to be addressed, such as mental health or not being neurotypical etc. This could all be looked into, to try and help him. CAMHS can be a bit shit, so if he had bad experiences with them, they aren't really representative of consultants etc in general.

How far did he get with his education? Maybe there's a course he could do at college in case he ever had to apply to work for another company.[/quote]
Oh yes, there are definitely issues with my eldest. He’s always struggled especially in school. He blatantly refuses to be told what to do, refuses to follow instructions and generally has a problem with authority (his dad was the same as a teen). He fits the profile for ADHD but refused to engage with any sessions from Camhs or other professionals claiming that it was everyone else that had a problem, not him. Therefore never got a diagnosis.
He has been much better since he is not longer in a school environment - not that he went very often, in the end he was placed in the IRU.
His dad and I have always fully supported him despite these issues and have always encouraged him to try hard and aim high. He knows if he doesn’t want to work in his dads business he doesn’t have to, but he will have to do something. He seems quite happy starting at a basic level, packaging items, labelling and doing other basic tasks. We’re hoping in time he will learn the ropes and develop skills in particular areas maybe sales. We are a pretty dysfunctional but easy going family. My youngest DS 15 has ASD and we will create a job if he wants one, but he wants to work with animals.

I'm sure only working 15 hours a week means she has plenty of time to do hobbies. I cannot imagine she spends 30 hours a week doing chores to match up with husband's working hours! Teens should be joining in with chores anyway.

@Lweji

I don’t really know. I don’t like thinking too far ahead

Yes of course, but DH and I are quite intelligent human beings and know what will work and what won’t. We don’t make assumptions.

And, yet, here you are.

Intelligent people can be less so in some areas of their lives. But can think that they are in all areas.

That’s a bit uncalled for

If the extra money you'd earns goes into your joint savings account it won't pay for your retirement. It will reduce in value in real terms as cash savings are worth eff all over the long term. Just pay more into your respective pensions.

@SpeakingFranglais

Tell him you will if you swap chores, you do the bins and cut the grass and he does everything else.

Perhaps she can take on his 45 hours a week in exchange for her 15 and she can take on his health problems in exchange too?

He seems to work pretty hard at the business not part time and hobbies so cut him some slack - I guess it's because men are never doing the right thing on MN no matter what they do

@MrsBobDylan

He sounds a joyless knob.

Why’s that?

Add up all the hours you spend on housework, cooking, childcare.
Apply your normal hourly rate
Charge "D"H 50%
Sorted.

I do think there is some wisdom in the make hay while the sun shines approach. But I also see wisdom in not overdoing it and making what is currently a pleasant and sustainable lifestyle into a miserable one in the hopes you can then give it all up in a few years.

I think your DH is being unreasonable to expect you to want to, asically, retire when he does. It's very much a matter of your life fitting around his rather than you both discussing what you want the next 20 - 40 years to look like.

I can see, from his point of view, why retiring and then not being able to do things because you are working might not be the most appealing. But since you have 3 months a year when you can't work and you only work a few days a week when you do work, I think he needs to suck that up, tbh.

Since it seems he has an endless supply of reasons why he can't do household chores, I do wonder if (maybe subconsciously) what he doesn't want is the situation where you are working and he is expected to pick up all the wifework. What's the likelihood, do you think, that he'd get over his dislike of having a cleaner etc. in that situation? Maybe he's picturing his life in retirement as sitting around while you make dinner and he plans your next excursion?

I think you're right that you need a candid discussion about what you're both picturing for the next stages of life and you probably need to emphasis that you aren't as old as him and don't want to either push your working life now nor slow it down in just a few years time. You'll still have plenty of time to spend with him, and it's not as though you haven't had to busy yourself for the last 16(?)+ years while he's been too busy to do anything when you've had more time.

@ThinWomansBrain

Add up all the hours you spend on housework, cooking, childcare. Apply your normal hourly rate Charge "D"H 50% Sorted.

I like this

That’s a bit uncalled for

It's not meant as a insult. It's a comment on your reply to a pp.

I consider myself intelligent, but I realise that sometimes my decision making is not the best.
We should not assume that we are intelligent in all areas of our lives and that our decisions are always the best.

You say you don't like to think ahead, but you implied before that saving for your own pension might not be beneficial to you. Is that the case that you have analysed it thoroughly, or just don't want to think about it?

And don't assume your DH is not assuming anything in relation to your DS, despite his intelligence. Intelligent people can do very stupid things when blinded by emotion.
The whole working hard to pass on a business to a DS who may well not want it and may squander it all, plus ensuring his salary, which he might not be able to earn otherwise, doesn't seem to come from a place of rationality, sorry.

He has fibromyalgia, so has good reason to want to retire at a reasonable age, he is working hard to build a business not only for you but so your children have options for the future as they may well be limited by other factors. You work very part time and have no young children to raise. Some people both work full time and have small children and still do their own housework. You have a charmed life, I'm not sure working an extra 5 hours a week to a total of 20 would be detrimental to your quality of life. If it's that stressful outsource some of the cleaning or get your sons to pull their weight

You work 15 hours a week for 9 months a year and your husband works long hours , so you do the housework.

You're thinking of making the (massive) jump to 20 hours a week and you think that you're now entitled to a cleaner or some relief from the household chores?

That's lazy and unfair of you. You barely do anything as it is.

@CinnamonJellyBeans

You work 15 hours a week for 9 months a year and your husband works long hours , so you do the housework.

You're thinking of making the (massive) jump to 20 hours a week and you think that you're now entitled to a cleaner or some relief from the household chores?

That's lazy and unfair of you. You barely do anything as it is.

This did make me laugh 😊